Things that us step mums have to "suck up."

[malificent7]

Sorry bout the turn of phrase " suck up" but i think it sums up what we have to put up with as step mothers. Fwiw, dp is a wonderful man in many ways and is an excellent df to ddsd who I do love but i need to get this off my chest. So here follows a bit of a rant.
We have been together 7 years and due to be married.

When I 1st got with dp his ex wife ( who had cheated on him and set up home with her lover pushing dp out) got jealous and started reminiscing with dp about the good times...trying to reel him in.

Every other weekend I can't spend with dp due to daddy dd time. In some ways it's good but it also means I get less time with dp.

I've met with their mutual friends and most are great but some are off with me.

His dm ( late mil) found me and my dd hard to accept me at 1st and even after e years , showed me his wedding cake from ex wife that was kept frozen and pointedly placed a wedding photo of them when i came to visit.

Once , starting a new job in healthcare, the only annual leave i could get was in the middle of the holidays. Dp relayed a message from ex wife " in the future could i please take AL either at the beginning or end of the summer hols.

I had to really fight for his ex not to come to our wedding ceremony as for once I wanted something just for us. She threw a massive strop and ignored me for a few months as apparently she was " confused as she thought we were all one happy family."

Dsdd is lovely. I genuinely love her but sometimes i feel like I am not cut out to be a step mum.

Well it is because she will hardly see him.

and you could say OP made her choice to be with him knowing he already had a child.

the children (both of them) come first.

It doesn't have to be presents, day trip and meals out. It can be helping with school work, discussing whatever is going on in the kid's life (moving up to senior school, gcse options, friendship issues etc). I know all of that takes more than a few hours a fortnight and that, as kids get older, they need more focussed one-to-one attention and input

No, stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished for that.

It's not punishment. A man who chooses to take on multiple responsibilities has to tend to them all unless he (unlikely) explicitly makes an agreement with his partner that he will not be pulling his weight, or potentially organises things so he's making up for not helping while they are there by doing far more the rest of the time. He cannot simply opt out without the agreement of the partner he has chosen to have.

*Well it is because she will hardly see him.

and you could say OP made her choice to be with him knowing he already had a child.

the children (both of them) come first.*

Idk that teaching a child that the whole world stops EOW and turns into a world of non stop fun without normal life/chores is particularly good parenting and good for any child to experience and witness.

In balance it's also not very fair on mum because dad becomes the fun one and mums having to teach a child that chores and normal life still happen. It's not a great lesson for girls iMO to show that dad doesn't do chores (if she only sees him EOW) and it would be a natural assumption that he doesn't do any at all (especially when she sees mum doing chores all the other time) eg : chores womens work.

I get a step child should get one on one time with the parent. But parenting isn't all fun. And it's a weird perspective to encourage just because the parents split.

Don’t think you have answered the question- how do you know the ex was trying to ‘reel’ your husband back in? Or do you not know that at all and just think it?

@Eyerollcentral op doesn't owe anyone the gory details of something that must be painful to her.

We asked. She answered. That's it

Why why why are you allowing yourself to be dictated to by another woman??? Where is your self respect? If my 'D'P relayed a message to me about MY annual leave he would have been told to FUCK OFF after I'd finished laughing. I just do not get it, are you so desperate for a man that you have tolerated 7 YEARS! of your life been dictated to by his ex wife? Jesus Christ, learn to stick up for yourself woman. He certainly won't.

Living with your parent full time is not a consolation prize.

No. it is not. But it seems that on MN those children should just feel grateful that they exist at all.

And why can’t the lovely one to one time be doing household chores together? It has to be specially carved out ‘quality’ time. Talking about them. Not talking about laundry. Doing things focused on them. Not folding laundry - even if it’s their laundry.

If a man chooses to have more children and another relationship, he doesn’t get to drop his other responsibilities EOW. He knew he had kids when he made his choices, and that he was taking on additional responsibilities.

Not at all. But there needs to be recognition that any hands on parenting for dsc needs to be done in those 2 days. They don’t have the luxury of being able to have a proper discussion with their parent whenever they choose. And as kids get older- particularly teens- it’s incredibly important to make time to listen to them, without younger siblings and step parents around. I find that hard enough to juggle living with my kids full time. If I were only seeing DS1 every few weeks, yes I would want to make sure we had space and time 1-1 (whether that’s while we folded laundry, went for a long walk or went for dinner).

I agree. Having the child be the centre of attention EOW makes it bloody hard work when the child goes back to the primary carer. "why do I have to do chores? I don't when I go to dad's/mum's....it's not faaaaair", "I can eat chocolate for breakfast there" etc. All the PP's saying the SDC should come first EOW, clearly have never been the primary carer that's left to deal with the after effects of that.

I don’t think it is. It’s the small payoff for having separated parents and being shunted back and forth which is pretty hellish to be honest. OP and her daughter are faring better than stepdaughter whether OP feels like it or not.

@CashierNumberSixPlease - I am one of those parents. And I would much rather deal with that than questions as to why their father can't make proper time for them. DS1 gets on fine with his dad, but I can see first hand the impact on their relationship. He never turns to his dad with any issues, problems etc because he hasn't been available. I'm not talking about Disney dad stuff- exh has done plenty of that- but making proper, regular time and space to listen and show genuine interest.

@Cuppasoupmonster I think that's your opinion and your entitled to it.

But it's not fact.

I was a step kid, and frankly Disney parenting is the very last thing I want me ex to do with our daughter. But then I'm quite aware of the type of person I would like my child to be and hope even my ex can set a decent role model showing that quality time one on one doesn't have to be funfairs and days out. It can be general chit chat over doing normal family stuff like chores and hopefully showing her that he partakes in chores in equal measure to his wife.

I'm not advocating for him to treat her like Cinderella- But she is part of their family also and that means being treated as a family member, not some type of royalty that descends from a high at his house. But that's only my opinion.

Others disagree and that's ok.

@hourbyhour101 how often does he see your child? If a few nights a week, then absolutely it can’t be all Disney. But if you only see dad for a day every 2 weeks then to spend it washing the car and going to Screwfix is a bit depressing.

@CashierNumberSixPlease right ? I have asd so maybe I'm off base here.

And I will openly admit to being off base frequently on here and I just don't get why people would want that for their children or themselves.

I would love to be enlightened by people why they think this ? (I'm not being trolly - I just really don't get it) or maybe I haven't had enough sleep 😵‍💫

@Cuppasoupmonster varies tbh depending on his work schedule. It's certainly not 50/50 but a tad more than EOW. But to be fair that was the case when we were married so I did know that.

I just think (and maybe I'm wrong) that what I wanted as a kid was just someone to listen, I didn't really want to be treated differently (and it certainly wouldn't have made me popular between my siblings and I) but luckily I was listened to my the most part and learn some cool skills in the process (textiles, fixing cars ect) none of it glamorous or "exciting"

Just welcomed home. And actually again only my experience I kinda liked having two homes but again that maybe my weird preference not shared by most people.

A trip to screwfix and washing the car are perfectly reasonable things to do in contact weekend. Not least because it’s a chance to talk while doing those things.

The language around compensating SC for their parents splitting up is always telling and a source of dysfunction. No one’s life goes to plan. Treating children as victims who must have things made up to them is not good for anyone.

Dropping everything and acting like normal life goes into suspension when they see you is not a good way to bring up children. Especially not if they can see that a woman has to pick up all the slack so you can do so.

My DS has to do chores at his dad’s house EOW. His stepmum doesn’t go into domestic drudge mode so his father can play super Disney dad. And not should that happen.

I have to say, dp is great at doing chores tbh, even when sdd is about.

I think you need to discuss your feeling with DP. Don't exclude you're self completely from you're partner on weekends. Plan something together as a family maybe every other weekend to strike a balance.

But don't be a martyr for a silent cause.... no one will understand or appreciate it. It take good communication and forward planning. Things will get better.

It's definitely a no to the ex coming to the wedding if you don't want her too attend