Things that us step mums have to "suck up."

[malificent7]

Sorry bout the turn of phrase " suck up" but i think it sums up what we have to put up with as step mothers. Fwiw, dp is a wonderful man in many ways and is an excellent df to ddsd who I do love but i need to get this off my chest. So here follows a bit of a rant.
We have been together 7 years and due to be married.

When I 1st got with dp his ex wife ( who had cheated on him and set up home with her lover pushing dp out) got jealous and started reminiscing with dp about the good times...trying to reel him in.

Every other weekend I can't spend with dp due to daddy dd time. In some ways it's good but it also means I get less time with dp.

I've met with their mutual friends and most are great but some are off with me.

His dm ( late mil) found me and my dd hard to accept me at 1st and even after e years , showed me his wedding cake from ex wife that was kept frozen and pointedly placed a wedding photo of them when i came to visit.

Once , starting a new job in healthcare, the only annual leave i could get was in the middle of the holidays. Dp relayed a message from ex wife " in the future could i please take AL either at the beginning or end of the summer hols.

I had to really fight for his ex not to come to our wedding ceremony as for once I wanted something just for us. She threw a massive strop and ignored me for a few months as apparently she was " confused as she thought we were all one happy family."

Dsdd is lovely. I genuinely love her but sometimes i feel like I am not cut out to be a step mum.

I suspect it's part of the the insidious part of sp and actually what a lot of sp are mentioning here and people are getting upset by.

The part that because you chose to be with a man with kids, you should expect it all to be hideous and shouldn't complain when adults are being ridiculous.

What I find sad actually is because of loyality binds that DSC might think people are complaining about them. The majority of posters aren't actually.

They are usually complaining about a situation in which the adults are failing the kids and being forced to watch and shut up and not acknowledge it's hard.

People chose to have children, and have a right to say god this is hard however it would seem that's different when it came to sp because they also chose it they don't.

Almost like there's a social narrative underpinning ... that certain people stead factly ignore.

Sorry for all the typos (babies in arms and he's being a horror) as per

I hear you OP. In my world everyone involved is allowed to say what they want, when they want it and how they want it. Except for me as the stepmum.

When I drew a firm boundary in my home, the exw of course saw it as an opportunity to unravel her already alienated daughter from her dad, and teen SD saw it as a chance to milk the situation for all it was worth to get her own way.

I no longer speak to her (now adult) and she's not welcome in our home. Her brother is very much welcome.

Ripples from extended family at the time spoke volumes about how the 18 year old's stepdaughter's wishes were far more important than mine even though she didn't live here and hadn't visited for months. It's a shocking reflection of how poorly stepmums are regarded in the whole dynamic.

I couldn't give a shit what other relatives think of this. I have a right to online privacy of my home, it's location and the contents inside of it. A non stepmum would expect the same from a family member.

Nail on the head there. The vast majority of issues in here are that the mum/dad/gradparents/all Of the above are usually being rubbish and the SM has posted that this has affected her life in some way and it's a pile on about how you should just put up with this as you knew what you were getting into.

I'm not sure people do actually, unless they are in the second relationship with someone with kids. With my ex I had no idea what I was going into, it wasn't a good relationship, for many reasons but none of them down to the kids themselves, mainly their parents being narcissists and squabbling all the time.

When I started dating again I expressly didn't want to be with anyone with kids again, not because of the kids but because there's always a part of your life that someone else has a level of control over and I think that's what people don't get maybe.

Lucky for you and eveyone I can do both.

Do I win?

The fact is, I love my step dd. She's great and far mote chilled than my dd who i also obviously adore. I have no issue with the child at all. She's a pleasure to be around but is neuro diverse so that comes with its own issues.

As for the annual leave; it was take it or leave it according to my boss so not even my decision.

@malificent7 I have one of those bosses.

They also tend to ignore when your on holiday and often pop up several times with questions. You have my sympathies.

@Laurdo You're right and I clarified why that was in my subsequent post. I assume having a relationship with a man with kids and or an ex wife is going to require the sort of patience, selflessness and kindness that I know I don't posses.

I think what ruined my opinion of the ex for me was when she tried to reel dp in when he 1st met me. I felt that this was the height of cruelty who she had

I think I would be ok with the ex if she hdn't tried to reel dp in when he first started dating me by reminiscing about the good times.I was fuming with them both and nearly left him. I felt this to be the height of cruelty as she literally just moved her lover in who she had been cheating with for 5 years.
I felt she didn't want to loose control of dp to another woman bit didn't want him herself.
If it wadn't for this, I'd prob get ok with her as we are quite similar in outlook...just not in sexual morals!
Apparently she ignored me as she didn't know what to say...hmmmmmm. i think she was just pissed that just for once, she can give us some space.

I think it's a classic case of " man dosn't want to loose custody of kid so has no spine when dealing with ex."

You are painting a picture of an incredibly sub-standard man in your husband, @malificent7.

Sub standard he is most definitely not. Scared of his ex...yes.

It’s not an attractive quality. Then neither is you talking about his ex trying to ‘reel him back in’. How did you actually come to know about that? Did he tell you?

@Eyerollcentral I can't believe I'm agreeing with you but I did too wonder how op found out ?

@malificent7 do you know what's at the bones of the fear with the ex ? (I a suspect I can guess but I really shouldn't assume)

I can't comment on your DH, all I can say is that must make life very hard and v complex, and you have my deepest sympathies (sorry if you have already covered this - sleep deprivation is real)

I think the ex has poor boundaries and has convinced dp that lack of boundaries is best for the child as this lack of propriety has enabled her to move on with lover....and everyone has accepted it.
It stops people questioning her. Dp has gone alog as he dosnt want to damade his dd.

I do get that it would be goid if we could all be " one hapoy family" but her overstepping by the reminicing etc hasn't allowed me to warm to this.

Typos sorry.
Damage to his dd*

@malificent7 tbf I wouldn't be ok with any ex of DH doing this. Blended family or not I certainly wouldn't be like okie dokie come over for tea.

I don't think though this behaviour is acceptable on any level, and I hope you were told by DH directly rather than finding out any other way.

It's one of those situations that in any other type of family dynamic you wouldn't have to suck this up and everyone nod and make your feelings on the matter small.

It's a weird one because it looks like a duck, but actually isn't. This must have been v hard !

Because if you only see your child EOW there's a lot to cram in, I suspect. It's not great, and I agree it distorts family dynamics, but if I only saw my kids 2 days out of 14 I wouldn't be spending that time doing chores etc

So your dp lives with a child that is not his full time yet you are moaning about him having 1.1 time every other weekend with his own child?

Because if you only see your child EOW there's a lot to cram in, I suspect. It's not great, and I agree it distorts family dynamics, but if I only saw my kids 2 days out of 14 I wouldn't be spending that time doing chores etc

Well you might have to if you've chosen to cohabit/have more children and thus need to pull your weight.

No, stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished for that.

It’s not punishing a stepchild for their father to actually attend to his responsibilities.

He’s made choices and he doesn’t get to pretend life doesn’t go on so he can play Disney dad (while his new partner sorts everything out to make up for his behaviour).

It’s not even good for the step children - who aren’t part of family life and are taught to think love is presents and day trips and meals out. While chores are for other people. That’ll set them up well for
adult life.

Those other kids get their parent full time.