Things that us step mums have to "suck up."

[malificent7]

Sorry bout the turn of phrase " suck up" but i think it sums up what we have to put up with as step mothers. Fwiw, dp is a wonderful man in many ways and is an excellent df to ddsd who I do love but i need to get this off my chest. So here follows a bit of a rant.
We have been together 7 years and due to be married.

When I 1st got with dp his ex wife ( who had cheated on him and set up home with her lover pushing dp out) got jealous and started reminiscing with dp about the good times...trying to reel him in.

Every other weekend I can't spend with dp due to daddy dd time. In some ways it's good but it also means I get less time with dp.

I've met with their mutual friends and most are great but some are off with me.

His dm ( late mil) found me and my dd hard to accept me at 1st and even after e years , showed me his wedding cake from ex wife that was kept frozen and pointedly placed a wedding photo of them when i came to visit.

Once , starting a new job in healthcare, the only annual leave i could get was in the middle of the holidays. Dp relayed a message from ex wife " in the future could i please take AL either at the beginning or end of the summer hols.

I had to really fight for his ex not to come to our wedding ceremony as for once I wanted something just for us. She threw a massive strop and ignored me for a few months as apparently she was " confused as she thought we were all one happy family."

Dsdd is lovely. I genuinely love her but sometimes i feel like I am not cut out to be a step mum.

To me, your "rant" sounds more about the ex wife, mother of the child, then his mother who has passed that you find hard to deal with rather than your step daughter or have I misinterpret this?

No one is having a go at the step child jfc this board!

Op is having a rant about step parenting in general and how its hard and how other people make it so hard like ex mil and step childs mother.

This.

It's exhausting how desperate people are to look for ways a step parent is "blaming" a step child, like in their head there's no way they could struggle with aspects of step parenting without this being what they are doing. It's a really simplistic and paranoid way of looking at things. When you struggle with something, are you always blaming someone for it? People can feel things without blaming anyone, especially specifically step children.

@gemloving I think this in large it but with one tiny thing. From my understanding most people who date when with kids assume it's a package deal.

No one could predict a nutter ex, or a passively aggressive ML who would have influence or even a good deal of control of what goes down in your own house (see thread which mum let herself into OPs house and screamed at her because she had a right to rummage through their post)

This impacts the kids which then impacts the relationship with the DSC. Because they love mum and ML.

And some people have the unfortunate problem of being married to people who actually make the problem worse and silence their partners and scapegoat them.

As I said it's rarely about the stepkids

And to answer the OP, god so many things, too many to even begin listing.

The whole thing is just sucking things up, for me at least!

Oh get off the bus.

"Choice they made".

This. Absolutely this.

Yup. I've been ostracized to the bedroom as the kids felt like the living room wasn't "theirs". Apparently they're having a great time while I'm on the verge of tears. I know from the past that trying to get in between my partner and their kids is pointless as they can do no wrong and I'm the problem when I do.

@hourbyhour101 do you really think the phrase "throw a paddy" is an acceptable phrase?

@hourbyhour101 makes sense. I have no clue what it's like.

I find just the fact that you have to be so involved with someone you’re DH used to be with quite a mind fuck.
But having my life so impacted by someone else who I’d never normally choose to be involved with is certainly something I’ve had to “suck up” and I was very naive about

Agreed. Dislike this post a lot. My step mother of 30 years has subjected me to a lifetime of trauma that I will never forgive either her or my dad for allowing it.

Being a step child of a step mother is probably even worse than being a step mother, at least you chose this life.

@ThirtyThreeTrees

"ex not to come to our wedding ceremony as for once I wanted something just for us. She threw a massive strop and ignored me for a few months as apparently she was " confused as she thought we were all one happy family."

Yes I think that's entirely a good description to describe a fully grown adult who demanded a invite to her ex's wedding and ignore someone for months because they didn't get their way. Who's that entitled to think that the wedding was about their wants in anyway, and they have say over the bride.

My 4 year old acts similarly when I use the wrong plate. But then she's 4.

I'm a ex wife btw 😊

Hmmm I’m going to reluctantly agree. I don’t think stepmums realise quite how shit being a
stepchild is - and that there is zero choice in the matter. I recognise stepmums probably can’t do anything right as far as many exes are concerned (and mother in laws) but it makes me sad when I read the ‘just don’t want my stepchildren around, I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it’ type threads. But I digress as I don’t think that is OP’s complaint it seems to be more about the nutty MIL and ex.

Once , starting a new job in healthcare, the only annual leave i could get was in the middle of the holidays. Dp relayed a message from ex wife " in the future could i please take AL either at the beginning or end of the summer hols. why?? Your holiday is shit all to do with her!

@sleephelp2022 I'm sorry you had a awful time as a step child. Truly.

But you don't have to read this. As it's not about you. And even op and several posters have stated. It's not about the DSC or slating them in anyway.

It's about the adults in blended families making things hard. And if you cant see that, then you must be in a lot of pain.

I hear you but this post isn't for you.

@hourbyhour101

I don't care who had a strop about a wedding.

I object to your use of a racial slur. It's very ignorant and defending it is worse.

Start your own thread. This is not the place. Said as a step child and a step mother.

Yes, agreed, fair enough.

But this thread isn’t about being a stepchild, it’s about sometimes how tricky it is to be a step parent.

So rant away OP. I’m a step mum and get where you are coming from. Even if you ‘choose’ to be a step parent it’s hard work. My DH is step parent to my kids and has had to deal with all sorts as they’ve gone through puberty, exams, rejection by their own father. And I have had to support him as my DSC (14) has chosen to no longer be a part of our family. I could not have done more to include DSC, but the more welcoming, laid back and the better relationship I had with DSC, the more their mum hated it. So DSC is no longer in contact with my DH as their mum couldn’t cope with the fact that we refused to bend over backwards to her ridiculous demands (examples include Dh should not having anyone in his life except DSC, for him to live within an hour of DSC on the off chance DSc wanted to see DH in the week, that DH should not plan anything on his non contact weekend in case DSC wanted to see DH, that DH should pay enough maintenance for mum to be able to work PT and be home by 3:30pm as DSC could not possible go into an ASC setting, for DH to only buy DCS clothes from certain brands…. the list is endless ….). Anyway, as I said, rant away but be prepared to be moaned at…

I'm not a stepmother but I was kind of a step child (long story lol), so just reading this thread out of interest. I'm curious about this bit so just wanted to ask - what has your holiday got to do with your stepdaughter and husband's ex wife? I'm genuinely confused - what am I missing? I'm gathering she's being unreasonable, it certainly sounds unreasonable lol, but I don't understand why she'd even ask this specifically?

@ThirtyThreeTrees thank you for the information. Just for reference I'm Irish. So thank you for correcting me, I really appreciate you explaining this to me.

I have been a stepmother to two for 13 years (they are now 18 and 15).

I suck up plenty as both parents and step parents do, but i wouldn’t put up with quite a lot of what you describe and neither do I think it’s good for anyone. Of course he needs 121 time with his daughter, but not not and entire weekend every other week, holidays are agreed mutually, and there is no way he would allow his DM to be rude to me.

I am glad your DSD is lovely, and I am speaking from an easier position than you (my DSC’s mother is a nice woman and if we ever marry and have guests she would be there) but still, you might want to use the fact you are getting married to re-enforce some boundaries.

Because the daughter will split her holiday time between both parents, and her father’s holiday time is being dictated by the OP’s in this example. When you are a step family you have to organise your shit so the kids can go on holiday with both parents / be with the other parent when one parent is on a long weekend with mates / be looked after by one parent when the other is working and there is no childcare. It’s a lot of admin.