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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex want's his daughter less!!

251 replies

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:01

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

OP posts:
Lizziet64 · 26/01/2023 14:03

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Thingsthatgo · 26/01/2023 14:04

You can't make him have her, but you can get more CMS.

audweb · 26/01/2023 14:05

I’m not a step parent but have an ex - what I have discovered is that there’s no way to force someone to be a parent. It’s not on your exes partner to step up, that’s not the solution. She doesn’t have to sacrifice her social life for you and your exes child!

also, it’s not a punishment to you. I get it, I used to feel that way, but it’s not fair on your kid, and that’s the main thing.

definitely see if meditation helps, and yes go to CMS but if he won’t have her he won’t have. Is it fair? Is that how it should work? No, but that’s the reality.

Lollypop701 · 26/01/2023 14:05

If you are not a troll… Sorry op but yabu about gf … your child is not her responsibility and your comments on her social life are frankly none of your business. Why is it so bad to have dd on Friday?

WFHbore2023 · 26/01/2023 14:06

I understand your frustration, but I feel like you've come in to this on the back foot, and your anger is showing.

Don't discuss it any further with him, go back to mediation as you have said, and see what you can come up with.

TokyoSushi · 26/01/2023 14:06

I'm not in this situation so maybe wrong, no it's not great, but I wouldn't want DD being palmed off to anybody who'll have her on a Friday either if that's what's going to happen so I'd keep her with me.

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 14:06

Seriously? You think it's fine for his mother and his girlfriend to look after his kid?

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 14:07

see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here

Is this a joke?

LittleOwl153 · 26/01/2023 14:07

Unfortunately as you appear to be the resident parent he does not have to have her, you have to make her available though... he can take her or leave her... annoyingly isn't it and totally unfair on the child.

I'd go back to mediation and ask for whatever you think will work for your child and you - and if this isn't 50/50 then tough luck on him - and yes he will have to pay maintenance. I'd mention it to him in reply to his email as if you go to CMS he can send the court order and get your claim squashed without proof that he is changing it - again annoyingly!

rosegoldivy · 26/01/2023 14:09

Why are you even on his girlfriends Instagram looking at what she does in her free time?

Get that it's annoying of ex needing to change his days but it's absolutely nothing to do with his new girlfriend.

ijustneedanamefgs · 26/01/2023 14:09

How is having your child a punishment? He has your child 4 nights every other weekend plus nights in the week. I can understand the frustration with shift work though, but if yous have sorted it with plenty of notice I can’t see what else he can do. It’s not his partners job. Your child goes to him because they are entitled to see/have both parents, not for childcare.

Original poster
Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:09

He said he'd like to have DD Sat-Wed those weeks but I don't feel that's the point really as I have plans on Friday's! It's just so infuriating.
He said work won't let him block off lots of Friday's so he'll only be able to do a couple every few months.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 26/01/2023 14:10

You can't make him have her, and it certainly isn't for his gf to look after your dd.

Is it really a problem? Isn't it nice having your DD for an extra evening? If you want to go out, find a regular babysitter and use the extra CMS for that overnight to pay for it.

WFHbore2023 · 26/01/2023 14:13

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:09

He said he'd like to have DD Sat-Wed those weeks but I don't feel that's the point really as I have plans on Friday's! It's just so infuriating.
He said work won't let him block off lots of Friday's so he'll only be able to do a couple every few months.

So he doesn't want to have her less, he wants to change a Friday night for a Tuesday night?

chillipepper28 · 26/01/2023 14:13

' I shouldn't be punished ' wtf??
An extra night with your child?
and yeah the insta comments - bitter

ScatteredMama82 · 26/01/2023 14:14

How old is your daughter?

thestepmumspacepodcast · 26/01/2023 14:16

You've "demanded" a yearly schedule but say that he can't book that far in advance.

Likewise you're checking out his new partners instagram page and making judgements about how she should spend her time.

If a grandparent has said they don't feel up to it then drop it, not her responsibility.

You and your ex need to go back to mediation and work TOGETHER, not against each other to manage your work and childcare.

vodkaredbullgirl · 26/01/2023 14:17

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:09

He said he'd like to have DD Sat-Wed those weeks but I don't feel that's the point really as I have plans on Friday's! It's just so infuriating.
He said work won't let him block off lots of Friday's so he'll only be able to do a couple every few months.

Yes it is annoying, but he has given you a different days to have her.

Original poster
Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:17

Yes looking at insta was a low point. It's not regular it's just since all this has kicked off. I know she's not responsible but my DD & her have a good relationship so you'd think she want to help out a bit? My DD is 7.

Thing is we agreed initially at mediation that him having her the entire week when he is working day time would not work because he still has to be at work before she starts school so my DD was being taken to a pre-school club for over an hour and I felt she was very tired these days, so I'm not really for the idea that he has her an extra day in the week. The pattern was working really well that is what is annoying!

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 26/01/2023 14:18

Either this is a wind up or you are the girlfriend turning it around lol

Eastereggsboxedupready · 26/01/2023 14:19

Why not be like yeah I get to see my dd more?!

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/01/2023 14:19

Sorry but your poor daughter. Are you concerned about your own social life? It sounds like he has her plenty and I'm usually not the first to defend the ex. Of course it's not his GF's responsibility to look after a child who isn't hers.

My DD stopped seeing so much of her dad when she got to a certain age. He also used to dump her on his mum while he went out on the piss. TBH I was glad to have her with me more.

SouperNoodle · 26/01/2023 14:19

It's weird that you see having your dd an extra night as 'being punished' Hmm

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 26/01/2023 14:21

Awww poor you and poor your social life. Do you even care about your DDs feelings here or just your social life?

It's not the girlfriend's responsibility!

Stressfordays · 26/01/2023 14:23

He just wants to shift it a day because of his working pattern and you're annoyed because you can't go out on a Friday now? What a joke.