Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Strength to you OP for clear boundaries and protecting your DD. Hope things get better now.

Just her DD?

Sorry,of course for protecting herself utterly agree.

Things weren’t working as they were. An update on forging a new pathway across this complex and thorny terrain…

I have seen my own DD’s well-being and happiness soar, I have re-decorated my living and dining room to symbolise this new, serene and safe chapter in our lives, DH has more energy although, poor guy has received a lot of nastiness from DSD’s mother but it’s tapering off a little now as he’s stood firm and resisted biting.

DSD’s mother sent a continuous stream of abuse at DH for weeks day and night until he told her that he would be blocking her phone number if she continued to abuse the communication channel. She then blocked him!! Bye 👋 then!

Of course she then continued the abuse, threats and blame via email. It upset DH so much that he became physically ill and had to take time off work to recover. This also meant that he couldn’t make it to one of DSD’s many appointments that her mother had organised for her and insisted that he attended with no regard for his work schedule. Of course she weaponised his absence to reinforce the fact that DH was not a good dad and that it would hurt DSD.

It is so clear to me now that he has been bullied by her for so very many years that he does seem to struggle to identify that she is a very nasty lady. He has internalised some of her venom and believed her to be right.

Her self image is that of a saint but her actual actions and impact of her behaviour are so dark and unkind. She really can’t see herself for who she truly is and that’s why I don’t waste my energy on trying to create a dialogue because she doesn’t see reality at all. The beauty of the fact that her reputation as a saint is so central a concern for her is that she has to not retaliate and won’t even talk about me negatively, because the moral high ground is her favourite presentation of where she abides.

DH took DSD for a McDonalds last night and they sat and chatted for a couple of hours. DSD asked DH what the beef was between him, me and her mum and DH answered that she has no boundaries or respect for me. DSD replied and said that that is what she too dislikes about her mother the most as well. DSD hugged DH and although it apparently wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I think the fact that they went out together and had organised it amongst themselves with no interference from DSD’s mum is a small step in a new and better direction.

Also DSD’s mum’s parents have been in touch with DH and I in full sympathy for our position and have shared that they too have major concerns about the mental health of both their daughter and granddaughter. It was nice to hear from them and for it not to be a combative dialogue but a loving one.

Thanks PPs who have written lovely, understanding messages.

I'm glad there has been progress.

I'm very glad you and DD are both much better and your DH is on the way up.

Let's hope DSD continues to meet up with DH with no external interference.

💐

Thanks, what a lovely update. Wishing you more and more happiness in 2023!

That's a stonking update OP. Congratulations on maintaining the boundary, & sorry to read about poor DH reaching the end of his tether.

Have you considered parenting software eg My Family Wizard, so he could protect his MH by then blocking Ex on all other comms? It's recommended for many reasons, one of which being if post-separation abuse is ongoing.
It might give the Ex pause for thought in her persecution campaign, as she's obsessed with protecting her saintly image.
For DH, it means no more stomach-lurching doom feelings when her name pops up on his devices. It also stores, dates & timelines all messages & holds them securely, & has various tools like calendar scheduling for contact arrangements.
I think the relief from seeing her name in his private comms might be well worth the smallish cost & set up. It may also help DH to feel more 'distanced' & empowered.

Hope he is soon feeling more himself, & is bouyed by being at last able to have the beginning of an honest conversation with his DD.

Thanks all.
Yes, we looked into My Family Wizard but I think the cost put DH off. Now DSD’s mother has stopped texting, he seems to be able to cope with emails. He’s not someone who checks his emails all the time.
She apparently sent DH lots of long (incoherent) emails but I blocked her emails a month ago because you can’t reason with people like her. I’ve placed my boundary and as far as I am concerned, I don’t want to see or hear from her again in my life!
We might end up using my family wizard in the future but perhaps DSD is too old really for that to be necessary.

Great to hear that you are feeling better!

Fantastic positive results for you and your family OP. Well done for staying clear and strong. Hoping DH can also grow stronger too.

DSD’s mother sent a continuous stream of abuse at DH for weeks day and night until he told her that he would be blocking her phone number if she continued to abuse the communication channel. She then blocked him!! Bye 👋 then!

This is the same women he was planning on living with for half the week every week?

What’s going to happen now?
He’s just going to see his child for a couple of evenings a week instead?

He sounds like a great dad 🙄

A couple of evenings a week of decent communication without making life miserable for the rest of the family sounds like very good parenting to me. There is more than one child to be considered.

If you have rtft I have to ask what you have been sniffing for this to be your response ?

If you have rtft I have to ask what you have been sniffing for this to be your response ?

If you have rtft you would see that OP says it’s DP’s lack of parenting that has caused/ not helped these issues.

His solution was to live at his ex’s house for half the week (even though she was apparently abusive and he blamed everything on her) and that obviously hasn’t worked out which was to be expected.

He’s now pulling back on the tiny amount of parenting he was doing.

The poor man is so upset that his ex sent his abuse over the phone after he told her he didn’t want to have his own DD overnight anymore (which why parent would be fuming about) that he’s now physically ill and couldn’t make it to his own child’s (who has SEND and MH) appointments - can you really imagine a women acting this way and being congratulated for it?

If he thinks the mum is so abusive then he should 100% be at her appointments.

@Boundaryqueen1 a little tip for you to pass onto your DH.. I received so many abusive emails, texts etc from my ex husband that it started to make me unwell. The following helped me detach myself:

1. I sent him an email stating from now on I would only respond to emails concerning contact (i.e. he needed to cancel) or medical emergencies. Anything else would not be responded to.
2. I set up a rule in my email to move all emails from him into a folder so I would not see them.
3. I check the folder 1-2 days before contact only.
4. I never respond to anything that doesn't fall into the categories in point 1.

While it's not stopped the abusive emails, they don't invade my life daily anymore. I choose when I read them and I choose what I engage with. It's taken time, but they have little impact on me now. You can't change people, only how you respond to them..

Update: 7 months after drawing a line around my sanctuary…

Zero regrets.

Developments…

DH has enjoyed lots of weekends with DSD this year at her mum’s house while her mum stays away at her partner’s house. They’ve watched movies, been to McDonald’s, car-boot sales, cinema and walks. Also lots of nothing, just chilling.

Earlier in the year, DSDs’s grandparents emailed me to tell me that they were going to be taking DSD and her mother on holiday from 1-8th July.

8th July was one of DH’s agreed days to be with DSD but he didn’t mind.

We went out for the day on 8th and then on 9th, DH texted DSD and asked if he was back from holiday and would she like him to go round. DSD ignored all texts (which she often does).

The next thing we know, DSD’s mum’s partner is emailing DH, berating him for not showing up and demanding concrete dates. DH will not stick up for himself (boundary issue) and I believe that DSD’s mum’s partner is firmly in the flying monkey camp.

Cue - DH being really depressed for days, ill in bed and feeling ashamed that he’s a ‘bad dad.’

I told him that he couldn’t have done anymore aside from knocking DSD’s door down when she failed to reply to his texts but he’s so passive and won’t fight.

Last August, I booked a holiday for DH, DD and me to go away for a week (coming up soon). DSD’s mother has now known about this for nearly a year and originally DSD was included in this plan.

Again DH is thinking it’s he who has ‘fucked up’ because DSD’s mum forgot about this.

Recently, DSD has kicked DH out of her mum’s house where he was staying for the weekend when she found out that we’d visited my sister abroad. I get it. This is a teenager who feels left out and I understand that. I’ve been urging DH to take her on holiday all year if only to stave off this kind of thing.

Anyway. Today DH texted DSD and asked if he could go round to her house as Weds is an agreed evening. DSD said no because it will now be a month that he hasn’t seen her.

DH said, ‘scroll back through your texts, I tried to see you but you ignored my communication’ and he got a ‘whatever’ back.

The following weekend where we will be away, DSD’s mother has been aware of all year so it’s her dropping the ball if anyone.

Neither of the days DH has missed have been a fuck up from him, yet he allows
DSD, her mother and Step dad to pedal that narrative.

In a way it’s been good to step completely out of the situation myself and observe the mechanics of how DSD’s mother undermines DH’s relationship with DSD. It’s tragic to see the interplay between everyone involved because everyone’s getting hurt.

All this recent crap has vindicated me in my decision to keep our own DD away from all of this nastiness.

Life’s good and hopefully DH will set some more boundaries soon.

Wow, thanks for the update. Tgey all sound so toxic.

Your husband needs some counseling to put things in perspective and establish boundaries.

Good update OP, shame about your DH but if he isn't prepared to stand up for himself them what can you do? Rolling my eyes at him laying in bed for days, depressed. Lovely for your dd to witness. Apart from the potential effects on your child seeing her father like that, its not your circus or your monkeys. Keep well back, it sounds like you and your dd are thriving. Has he tried putting his woes on your shoulders now you have stepped back? If so I'd be shrugging them right back off and bluntly telling him you are not interested.

Op I can only congratulate you on your recent update.

I realise however it must be painful to watch your dh in this.

However this really is a case of sometimes not responding to something is the e only way to deal

You have the patience of a saint OP.
Well done for dropping the rope.

Your husband isn't far off them in the drama stakes taking to his bed for days🙄.

I wouldn't be impressed at my child being around such drama llama behaviour and I wouldn't be behind the door in pointing it out to him

So unattractive.

Clearly you are the only adult in this scene, which can become very tedious.

Mind yourself and enjoy your holiday.

Thank you!
It’s good to check in on the thread from time to time to remind myself of the hellscape I came from and how lovely my life is now, compared to before.

Amazingly, I spoke to DH tonight and asked why he didn’t stick up for himself when his ex smears him.

He really took it on board and sent DSD (time stamped) screen shots that he sent to DSD’s mum to prove he and her had agreed on dates and times for the entirety of 2023.

Even more amazingly, DSD replied applauding to DH and told him that seeing the screenshots helped her to see that he wasn’t the one to drop the ball.

This was win-win because DH got to see what it’s like to stand up for himself, DSD got to see that her mother had
teief to paint DH out to be the bad parent when it was really her who had messed up.
And DSD’s mum has not got an out when she tries to mess around with dates because DSD now has all of the 2023 dates in her phone and will see that her dad shows up for every one of them because DH genuinely wants to see her whenever he can.

This thread has been so helpful!

Apologising not applauding!

I’m so please for you all. It seems to even be working for Dsd and dh in terms of them both learning where the lines are and where the truth is.

So she should just shut up and suffer?? I think she’s probably at the point that she’s prepared to risk the marriage ending rather than put up with this awful behaviour in her home.

Thank you.

I wish it never had to be this extreme and it’s sad it can’t to this but overall, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.

Earlier this year, DH had a big birthday party which I organised for him. He invited DSD and she was set to come along with her mother’s partner (who amazingly, DH still has a good rl with).

At the last minute, DSD didn’t attend but that will have been the first time I would have seen her face to face since all of this happened.

To the Pp who said it could be the undoing of my marriage, it’s actually being the making of it.