Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Yes. I want them all to squabble like rats in a bag until the Penny drops that DSD is orchestrating all of it watching with a bag of popcorn and a smile on her face.
I think that when all of her care takes place under one roof, it will be much harder for her to pit her parents against the other. It should force them to break the drama triangle and actually DO something!

you make some valid and relevant points that have been completely overlooked in the attempt by OP to mitigate her DH of any responsibility and the lay blame pretty much at the door of the mother.

"This is exactly what I wanted to happen. I wanted to hand back all of the crap I’ve been silently dealing with thanklessly for years on end to those that should really be doing something."

I applaud you OP. You have clearly tried everything and given this girl everything.

I wish you a much happier and calmer 2023

I think this is actually a good plan @Boundaryqueen1

take away the wriggle room they’ve all been using NOT to tackle this issue is genius.

She has many talents. She’s good at maths, understands things about evolution and nature deeply, has always had glowing reports from teachers especially at primary school, she is absolutely phenomenal at art and has an amazing vocabulary. She has a very good sense of humour and understands irony and meta jokes which used to make her good company.

it is so sad to see all of this gone waste. She used to as a child be very muscular, doing loads of climbing and circus skills type workshops, she used to write songs and do cookery. She’s very knowledgable about animals and has a way with them.

All of this gone to waste because x y and z.

My hope for her is that she gets the support she needs and has a happier existence where her main hobby isn’t terrorising her family.

As for my relationship with her, it may never be restored but I can’t ever say I haven’t tried.

You’d be including yourself in that then:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/general_health/4544313-red-criss-cross-lines-all-over-body-in-morning

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4633349-help-mil-driving-me-crazy-over-washing-things-for-her

If everything you do comes too easily to you, then you don't learn the necessity of working at something until its too late. There comes a point when the A grades slip away and bewilderment sets in. Maybe this was when school became unbearable for her? Or does she lack some social skills as well? Masking angel at school, hellhound at home?

With the abilities you mention, if I was looking for a lure to get her back into the real world, I'd take a look at 3D animation skills, world building, 3D modelling etc - being the game creator, not the consumer. Art, maths, nature, games all in one. A pull, not a push.

I know it's not your problem, I know you're drained to the last drop, but please put that idea in your back pocket - just in case.

Yes she was masking at school then had the common breakdown when starting secondary. The social complexities overwhelmed her and anxiety crept in and became unmanageable.

She was then diagnosed with PDA/ depression and anxiety and medicated for such.

Socially she has always been a little under developed. I remember watching her play as a little one and everything ended up with her physically hurting another child. She could never really play with others, just control them.

Slowly the invites stopped coming and various families banned her from their homes because she was rude, horrible to their children or their children’s younger siblings and people just closed ranks.

social stuff is just an area she just doesn’t seem to be able to understand.

We are a family with contacts in many creative industries so she would be well supported if she were to meet half way with any form of effort. But there’s no way she will even make herself a bowl of cereal or brush her teeth let alone try some work experience.

But there’s no way she will even make herself a bowl of cereal or brush her teeth let alone try some work experience.

Yep, that's pretty far gone... Hikikomori, Peter Pan syndrome, failure to launch. Wonder if any psychologists offer live-in support? Astronomical cost though. Some bootcamps in the US for guys like this, but not seen anything for the girls.

www.quickanddirtytips.com/articles/failure-to-launch-syndrome

DSD has school-refused for the past 5 years

As someone who works in this field I find it difficult to believe she has not been to school for 5 years, especially if there are no SS or CAMHS involvement which there absolutely would be if her issues are so bad that she can’t go to school.

Not necessarily. Could have been deregistered with school and home educated.

Over 5 years her attendance has gone from 10% down to 1% the school have tried everything even cutting her study programme down to just 2 subjects at DSD’s insistence and even then she won’t go in. Her grandparents have been paying for her to do GCSE maths and English on zoom with a tutor 1:1 but even then it takes a lot of cajoling to get her to log on and do it.

I don’t. It does happen.

I've seen this once, and there was a weak and ineffective parent then too.

@NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:39

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

I couldn't agree more.

@KettrickenSmiled
PP are responding to the combative, gleeful tone of the initial post.

If OP had opened with what she feels are the facts of the later dripfeed, responses would have been markedly different.

Absolutely 💯% bang on.

What's more, is that when this was mentioned by a pp... the OP responded with sarcasm.

Congratulations on the ban... the solution of her dad seeing his daughter at her mum's house is best all round.

It's quite different to have a SM who isn't jealous and is clearly secure in her relationship for this to happen as many freak out when the Ex sends a text.

I did this op, my dsd assaulted me aged 16. She was able to see her dad whenever she liked, she could come to the house whenever and I would make myself scarce but no overnights. That was 3 years ago. She's now turning into a lovely woman she's independent, is close to her dad and we get on much better.

Love a story with a happy ending.

All of this gone to waste because x y and z.

What do you mean by this OP? Where has this bright, funny girl gone? I feel terrible for her that she's now so damaged that you would describe her as a basket case.

Ach. If you read the thread you’d see it’s because she has been allowed to lay in bed on an iPhone for 5 years.
Not going to do anyone much good is it?

Dyslexia is a specific learning difficulty and can lead to a huge amount of frustration in kids. How much mental distress it causes is only just being understood. This girl sounds extremely depressed and unsupported - with some unconditional love, people who understood her and time to mature she could become a very different person. Sad she is being written off. People tend to lie in bed on an iPhone when depressed.

… despite @Boundaryqueen1 best efforts.

you forgot this.

as I see it @Boundaryqueen1 HAS tried, really tried, but the dsd own parents have done little themselves or undermined anything she’s done.

at the end of the day, dsd is not her dd. Not her dc, not her responsibility. She’s now saying that there are boundaries and behaviour that she won’t accept any more.

good for her. SM are not emotional or physical punchbags, expected to just keep taking more and more shit because parents aren’t dealing with their child responsibly.

VERY late to this but definitely wanting to add support for the OP here. Every step of the way (pun intended).

Have walked in the same shoes exactly. Been with OP for 7 years. He and his ex are weak, ineffective parents. His dd has been at home with naice middle class mum (also has MH issues and lethargic) and step dad…. dad on the periphery - all adults who have enabled loafing about the house for 8years/sleeping/ scrolling on iPhone taking selfies/Netflix. She turns 22 this year, anxiety/likely personality disorder. No exams or quals. Can drive. Can’t swim. No job. All is very sweet unless getting a job is suggested! Then she’s not very sweet at all!

I once suggested on a sunny summers day that his dd aged 18 (if wanting juice with dinner that I was cooking) pop to shop up road 0.5 mile away. Her reply came: ‘are you threatening me’.

all this stuff is innocuous on the surface but exrreme when said surface is scratched. Plenty of young people like this manage to do under the radar and become NEET/perpetual young children.

I also have my own boundary drawn. She has been previously banned from my home. Now she can come visit for short spells. I refuse to merge my finances with OH because of all the potential future destructiveness.

go you, OP!

Could have written this word for word. Sad.

But not my problem any longer and that’s such a relief

Well said @MzHz

If neither of her parents are bothered enough by her behaviour, they really can't object to the OP deciding to refusing to have this drama in her home.

Perfectly reasonable IMO.