Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Praps you’ve knocked against one of my boundaries 😉

It's relevant because OP downplays her husband's responsibility a lot and it shows just how far it goes.

It's not because I think she can put the stepdaughter back where she came from.

Oh, clearly I have. Only you know why this question is so much more sensitive than everything else you've told us, but I can guess.

Wheedle wheedle, eye and needle.
🤐

I know. That's why I asked. But the response wasn't "he wore a condom and it split", it was <<personal insult>>". I wonder why.

Your the type of person I avoid at parties. Even on a forum asking someone who didn't part take in the intercourse whether two adults used protection and if their baby was a whoops baby is odd.

For you think because she posted on a public forum that your owed a answer and can draw conclusions from that is down right odd.

Imo 🤨

My DN sounds similar to your DSD. Complete lack of boundaries throughout her childhood, crap Dad and a Mum who buried her head in the sand.

DN has ended up in the care system. I don't think much of her Mum as a person (been very selfish and nasty to me and DH at times) but I sure as hell understand why she agreed to it, her other DC and herself needed protecting.
Her ex is worse than a waste of space, her 2nd husband went the extra mile of trying to parent and support everyone.

The family abuse that goes on that parents are expected To suck up without support or training is unreal.

Good, solid answer.

It's OK, I get it. You will happily tell us that your husband has co-raised a knife-wielding school refuser who isn't safe to have in your home, but it's hardly his fault at all, it's all the mother's.

But your boundary comes when someone asks what this wonderful, responsible man ever did to ensure he didn't conceive on a one night stand with a woman who turned out to be a nightmare.

You've done right to keep your home and child safe from the stepdaughter. Mind you don't completely downplay your husband's responsibility as an adult and a parent this time round.

Your the type of person I avoid at parties.

You should see what I do when people tell me about their knife-wielding stepchildren at parties.

Is this a trick question? You ask how they were conceived? Once you’ve established that what’s next?

The child has existed for 17 years.

They can't be shoved back so your question is irrelevant.

Hell lots of children are unplanned or the result of one night stands doesn't mean you become a knife welding fuck up as a teen threatening the well being of your younger siblings if you have a step-parent in your life.

What was the personal insult? I must have missed it…

You seem very sensitive for someone asking very searching questions…

You should see what I do when people tell me about their knife-wielding stepchildren at parties.

😂😂 love this, is it your party trick @ReneBumsWombats? Sounds epic!

I really don't think you are being unreasonable banning her from your home. If another more serious incident happens. You will get blamed and worst case scenario your DD will get put into care. I've seen a few times a parent wants to have their ND child back at home after discharge and services will raise a safeguarding because of the other children.

Anyway I know you hate your DHs ex but to me your DH doesn't sound like he's done much either. Both need to work together to get your DSD treatment. You never answered has she been diagnosed or assessed for a learning disability ?

@ReneBumsWombats I suspect what ever trick you have it involves a knife and you really don't need it.

Your invasive questioning, and lack respecting boundaries when someone says no, would make you a walking red flag to me. And I'm not known for picking up on social niceties.. so it would be a run not walk situation for me.

I digress..

She’s not got a learning disability no. She’s dyslexic but very bright and capable. Unfortunately all of this pandering to her love of laying in bed playing on her phone has meant that she doesn’t show up to exams etc.

@Boundaryqueen1 I don't think some people here realize that you are feeling really brittle and close to the edge after years of fear and being abused. Finally, respite, and if you sound a little manic, seems perfectly understandable to me.

However, the respite is not a magic wand long term, and the plight of DSD will affect you all, even from a distance. So, some sort of plan...

With DSD, you are pretty much in failure to launch territory. I've got some experience of this... Behind the knife stuff, I'd guess she's actually terrified of how she is going to function in the real world. Does she bring on the knife when people try to make her see into her future, rather than living in the moment with the phone etc? Is she trying to compel you all to look after her financially and practically for ever?

Going out on a limb here... She knows how to play computer games, but does she believe she has any other useful abilities to support herself with? If she is ND, then things that are obvious and easy to most people may be mountains to climb for her, and conversely, the pig difficult for most people might be just a touch of a button in her eyes.

She's been avoidant for so long, the mountains are now Everest, rather than Mt Snowdon. For DH, moving her forward will depend on creating a very gently sloped ramp to the future. Starting with small practical tasks, and as confidence grows, increasing the slope of the ramp. She needs to learn to like herself (I suspect she loathes herself, actually). Each small success builds confidence, and building confidence helps her to like herself.

I don’t know. I’m tired of it all. I’m looking forward to my home feeling relaxed. Her parents can now deal with her.

So do you envisage that your husband will be living with you on a part-time basis for the rest of his life, even after your own DD has grown up and flown the nest? Is that sustainable for you and your marriage?

She is almost an adult so will need to be linked in to adult social services for an assessment. There are supported living and respite care places that could be investigated.

That is up to her husband to sort out the OP has no PR for her step-daughter so no say.

Clearly it is, but that's her DH, so OP can be discussing with him what his plans are.

Especially if involves him being a part-time DH for the rest of his life.

Especially if the child's mother also has significant LD/mental health difficulties and isn't really capable of taking responsibility for finding a long term care solution.

I'd want to know how my family life was going to look going forward, if I were the OP.

Is the DH going to provide live in care at the DD's house for the rest of his life?

Will the DH be absent for Christmas some years, as he will spend it with his other DD?

Will he be taking her on holiday by himself, or going with e'(

As you can probably imagine, Christmas, holidays, DH being with me and our DD part-time have all been tricky and a part of our lives the whole time so the only difference will be that I no longer have to be in DSD or her mother’s presence.

I genuinely want for DSD and DH to spend time together and continue their relationship, so obviously this means there’ll be times where me and DD go away on our own, have some of Christmas without DH, spend some of Christmas without DH. This is all preferable to how it has been so I’m completely fine with that.

DD is used to just spending the weekends with me when DSD is at our house because DSD refuses to come out to family walks or activities for a long while, DH was afraid to leave DSD on her own so he has been held hostage in our home for years anyway.
It’s just not happening in my space anymore.

DSD’s maternal grandparents messaged me this morning offering their help and support (they know full well what their daughter and grand daughter are like).

It’s too late.

This is exactly what I wanted to happen. I wanted to hand back all of the crap I’ve been silently dealing with thanklessly for years on end to those that should really be doing something.

Now they will really have to feel what I’ve been feeling all this time but haven’t dared to say lest I get called names and painted to be the bad guy. When they fully feel the impact of this teenagers behaviour they may be motivated to seek professional help.

I envisage that her kind grandparents will probably buy her a house to live in (or rent her a house in the same village as her mum’s) and she can sit in her hoodie playing on the internet not working or paying for anything for the rest of her life.
either that or in some kind of prison or psychiatric hospital.

This is exactly what I wanted to happen. I wanted to hand back all of the crap I’ve been silently dealing with thanklessly for years on end to those that should really be doing something.

Now they will really have to feel what I’ve been feeling all this time but haven’t dared to say lest I get called names and painted to be the bad guy. When they fully feel the impact of this teenagers behaviour they may be motivated to seek professional help.

I can relate to this, 100%. It’s good you’ve forced it into the open. Now all the people in her life who’ve been trying to look the other way will have to actually step in.

Is your DH one of those who should really be doing something and getting professional help in, is that part of it? To force him to do something more?