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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:10

Those suggesting we enlist the help of multi- agency workers, have you seen the state of it out there? CAHMs are so underfunded and overstretched (thanks to 22 years of Tory cuts) that you can not get any help from anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:12

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:04

OP sorry to thread hog but I find the same. I told my DH it was like two ends of a shitty stick. Child is a nightmare and so is the ex. One throws a wobbler and the other follows closely behind.

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Yes. And why the fuck should we?!

OP posts:
Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:16

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 18:59

Can I ask if you really think a positive behaviour support plan will actually turn this around?

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Yes it does I have worked with attempted murderers , arsonists , people who destroy property with complex needs. Much worse than the OP is describing and we have turned it around with complex support and interventions. Behaviours of concern is a form of communication. Our job is to work out why , the triggers , proactive and reactive strategies.

Going into inpatient services isn't normally beneficial hardly ever they can get stuck for years because of a lack of suitable placements on discharge or making the parental home safe. The trick is intervention now not later.

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:18

Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:16

Yes it does I have worked with attempted murderers , arsonists , people who destroy property with complex needs. Much worse than the OP is describing and we have turned it around with complex support and interventions. Behaviours of concern is a form of communication. Our job is to work out why , the triggers , proactive and reactive strategies.

Going into inpatient services isn't normally beneficial hardly ever they can get stuck for years because of a lack of suitable placements on discharge or making the parental home safe. The trick is intervention now not later.

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I’m really pleased to hear of some success stories. I am biased by my own experiences which haven’t been positive but I’m glad it’s useful to some.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:18

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 18:30

On a one night stand.

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That's how his daughter was conceived? What contraception were they using?

Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:19

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:10

Those suggesting we enlist the help of multi- agency workers, have you seen the state of it out there? CAHMs are so underfunded and overstretched (thanks to 22 years of Tory cuts) that you can not get any help from anyone.

Has your DH and ex pushed ? A private psychiatrist doesn't really deal with behavioural interventions , a psychologist , nurses , OT and SALT deal with this. Does your DSD have a learning disability as well as autism ?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:26

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:18

That's how his daughter was conceived? What contraception were they using?

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And the missing the point award goes to..!

OP posts:
Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:26

I'd also say boundaries work but in a specific way , you can't place the same boundaries with ND as NT. Both your ex and DSDs mum need to come together for any planned interventions to work. To be honest if I was in your shoes and had no training I would also take a step back, it's not your problem to fix and you need to safeguard your own DD. What's the plan going forward , is DSD going to remain at home? Will she ever be fully independent or will she have to go into supported living at some stage ?

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:28

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:26

And the missing the point award goes to..!

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Well? What kind of contraception were they using?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:30

Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:26

I'd also say boundaries work but in a specific way , you can't place the same boundaries with ND as NT. Both your ex and DSDs mum need to come together for any planned interventions to work. To be honest if I was in your shoes and had no training I would also take a step back, it's not your problem to fix and you need to safeguard your own DD. What's the plan going forward , is DSD going to remain at home? Will she ever be fully independent or will she have to go into supported living at some stage ?

If her parents stay as they are, DSD will be doing what she’s doing now in 20 years time. But at least she won’t be using my resources to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:31

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:28

Well? What kind of contraception were they using?

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Amazing.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 31/12/2022 19:31

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:31

Amazing.

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Spectacular! I think this might be the winner.

Reugny · 31/12/2022 19:32

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:10

Those suggesting we enlist the help of multi- agency workers, have you seen the state of it out there? CAHMs are so underfunded and overstretched (thanks to 22 years of Tory cuts) that you can not get any help from anyone.

They are also ignoring that she doesn't go and hasn't been going to school.

Reugny · 31/12/2022 19:32

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:31

Amazing.

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You are too polite 😂

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:33

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:31

Amazing.

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Why don't you want to tell us what your husband did to prevent conceiving a child when he had a one night stand?

Reugny · 31/12/2022 19:34

Fifi00 · 31/12/2022 19:26

I'd also say boundaries work but in a specific way , you can't place the same boundaries with ND as NT. Both your ex and DSDs mum need to come together for any planned interventions to work. To be honest if I was in your shoes and had no training I would also take a step back, it's not your problem to fix and you need to safeguard your own DD. What's the plan going forward , is DSD going to remain at home? Will she ever be fully independent or will she have to go into supported living at some stage ?

This is absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

And it's clear her husband can't be fucking bothered to listen to alternative views and stand up to his eldest child's mother.

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:34

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:33

Why don't you want to tell us what your husband did to prevent conceiving a child when he had a one night stand?

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I’m going to go out on a whim here but I don’t think OP was there….

Reugny · 31/12/2022 19:35

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:34

I’m going to go out on a whim here but I don’t think OP was there….

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😂

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:35

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:10

Those suggesting we enlist the help of multi- agency workers, have you seen the state of it out there? CAHMs are so underfunded and overstretched (thanks to 22 years of Tory cuts) that you can not get any help from anyone.

Quite. That’s why I’m surprised to hear of success stories.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:39

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:34

I’m going to go out on a whim here but I don’t think OP was there….

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I'm assuming that in the course of their long relationship and the effect of said child and her mother upon it, they had a conversation about it at some point. Especially since they have presumably used contraception themselves at some point and given he's already got one unplanned child, he presumably didn't want another.

But on the off chance that all the obtuseness is genuine, the reason I asked was because the guy clearly isn't a responsible parent and I was wondering just how far his irresponsibility went. I wasn't making any assumptions - that's why I asked. But OP's decision to insult me instead of answering, or even just saying she doesn't know, is an answer in itself, I suppose.

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:42

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:39

I'm assuming that in the course of their long relationship and the effect of said child and her mother upon it, they had a conversation about it at some point. Especially since they have presumably used contraception themselves at some point and given he's already got one unplanned child, he presumably didn't want another.

But on the off chance that all the obtuseness is genuine, the reason I asked was because the guy clearly isn't a responsible parent and I was wondering just how far his irresponsibility went. I wasn't making any assumptions - that's why I asked. But OP's decision to insult me instead of answering, or even just saying she doesn't know, is an answer in itself, I suppose.

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It’s totally irrelevant. The horse has bolted!

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:42

PeppermintChoc · 31/12/2022 19:34

I’m going to go out on a whim here but I don’t think OP was there….

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🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:43

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 19:39

I'm assuming that in the course of their long relationship and the effect of said child and her mother upon it, they had a conversation about it at some point. Especially since they have presumably used contraception themselves at some point and given he's already got one unplanned child, he presumably didn't want another.

But on the off chance that all the obtuseness is genuine, the reason I asked was because the guy clearly isn't a responsible parent and I was wondering just how far his irresponsibility went. I wasn't making any assumptions - that's why I asked. But OP's decision to insult me instead of answering, or even just saying she doesn't know, is an answer in itself, I suppose.

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Sorry to have insulted you. You have every right to know after all. 😂🙄

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 19:51

@ReneBumsWombats look without being blunt. Having sex on a one night stand could result in a baby even if contraception is used. It fails and it happens.

Being married and having a second baby isn't a sign of a bad parent or a sign the second baby wasn't planned

He's not left mum to raise said child on her own so not a shitty parent at all. He's made mistakes sure but I'm not a perfect parent are you ?

ReneBumsWombats · 31/12/2022 20:01

Boundaryqueen1 · 31/12/2022 19:43

Sorry to have insulted you. You have every right to know after all. 😂🙄

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Well given you posted at length about your life on a public forum, I felt I had the right to ask. It's obviously a touchy subject.

look without being blunt. Having sex on a one night stand could result in a baby even if contraception is used. It fails and it happens.

I know. That's why I asked. But the response wasn't "he wore a condom and it split", it was <<personal insult>>". I wonder why.

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