Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I don't blame you in the least for your decision, OP. I wouldn't have lasted a month. You have have a right, a duty in fact, to protect your child and yourself. You're not her mother.

But I can't agree that your husband is a decent parent.

DH and DSD’s mother haven’t taught her how to do laundry/ washing up/ cooking and there has never been any consequences for her bad behaviour so she has almost been disabled by her parents’ approach. She was much more independent and able as a 9 year old...

...on the days that DSD is with him, he just plays good cop (for the best of reasons) and her mother does the same so there is no home environment where DSD is being given any indication about acceptable behaviours or being prepared to be independent.

and

Sad for DH having to be treated as a bad guy when he is the opposite

This is partly his doing. You can't say that when he plays good cop, he's got the best of reasons while her mother hasn't. He's jointly responsible for all these failures of parenting.

I don't think Disney dadding (which I agree isn't good) is on the same level as allowing your child to wield a knife around and enabling said child to have pointy objects because it's easier to just give it to her (which mum has done)

But your right OPs DP is responsible for dealing with it as much as mum. Which is why what op has suggested makes 100% he's not not seeing her. It's just she isn't welcome in OPs home.

I don't think Disney dadding (which I agree isn't good) is on the same level as allowing your child to wield a knife around and enabling said child to have pointy objects because it's easier to just give it to her (which mum has done)

While this is obviously true, the knife incidents (which are horrifying) are a culmination of many other failures of parenting that came before that. This sort of thing doesn't happen overnight or out of nowhere.

I have no criticism of OP at all for ensuring her home is safe from this dangerous girl but from what I've reading, I think the SD has been failed by both her parents. Although she's at an age where she has to take responsibility for herself now.

It is very very hard parenting a ND child though. I can see how (with so little instruction or understanding from society at large) how both DH and DSD’s mother have doubled down on their “method” for parenting such a challenging child.

I don’t judge them too harshly as it seems an unsolvable problem but I personally couldn’t have allowed her to get away with so much. It’s never been up to me though and my powerless position combined with need to protect my daughter and having to live with the consequences of their lax boundaries was just unbearable for me to live with.

The reason Social Services and CAHMs have never kept DSD on their books for too long is because she has two loving parents, willing to pay privately for psychiatric support for her. They have to triage and DSD with her loving parents is not at the top of their priorities unfortunately.

@Boundaryqueen1

Out of curiosity, what is the step daughter 's mum (and partner) saying to you?

You'd think they'd be mortified.

What do you mean what are they saying to me? If you mean about this- DH is finally able to see my point of view and is supportive, DSD’s mother is just full victim mode which is predictable.

I just wondered if she is challenging your decision, or insulting you, or trying to negotiate, minimizing step-daughter issues or ??

I fully support your stance here, btw.

Which is partly why her daughter acts like she does.

DSD’s mum’s boyfriend has been helpfully tome policing my husband throughout which is what his mo. The wingman to a bully.

I think you're getting mixed up between being a good guy and being a good parent. Being just the good cop is not good parenting. It's about balance. This child has not had balance in her life, and this is the result. Your DH is every much to blame for this as his ex is. They've both let this girl down. They've both been bad parents. They both need to realise this. You need to realise this. Stop calling him a good father. Expect better for your own child.

I dunno- who are any of us to judge bad parents when the child presents with such a misunderstood profile? They’ve both loved her and cared for her for her whole life. Their patience is immeasurable. Mine is not and there’s the rub.

You've had a hard time on here @Boundaryqueen1 , quite predictably, because as the SM a lot of people want to believe you're in the wrong saying your DSD can't come to your home any more. Having read your thread I don't blame you, your DSD is a threat to your DC.
Your DSD sounds a very, very difficult child but I'm afraid your DH and her DM are responsible for this sad state of affairs- how can they have let a child school refuse for five years, threaten people with knives and seem to have done nothing much about it? They obviously don't coparent well and neither wants to be the bad guy but frankly at this rate your DSD will do nothing, and be nothing, all her life- how can that be an acceptable outcome?
I hope you can have some peace now, you certainly deserve it

@Daleksatemyshed thank you.
I think you’re right. They haven’t coparented very well but I genuinely think that that is due to her mother who has a lifetime track record of being unable to co-anything with anyone.
I’m completely fine with having a hard time on here. I am just documenting it all to help people.

I mean, if your parenting (lack of boundaries and discipline) has contributed to a situation where a child thinks it's acceptable to threaten people with knives, then it's not judgemental to say that was bad parenting. Can you honestly say you think this is just the way she is and there was nothing that could have prevented this? Love isn't enough.

I love that- she's obviously not an easy woman to get on with!

It will never happen but wouldn't it be a great thing if every pair of warring parents had access to a service- a trained adult would look at the situation in a cold and dispassonate light, then pass judgement on who should be doing what, when and how- and the parents had to comply. No she said, he said, just shut your face and do as you're told😀

You keep blaming the DM but they are both to blame. A private psychiatrist won't really do anything as they don't link up to other services in the network, it sounds like your DSD needs a multi agency approach but parents are pretending that everything is fine.

Your ND DSD is threatening people with knives , has refused to go to school , lies in bed watching TV all day. Your DSD needs a positive behaviour support plan , or she will end up in crisis in an inpatient in services unless your DH and DSDs mum work together and push for interventions. She won't get better or magically get out of bed it takes cohesion from both of them.

I've worked with challenging behaviour for a number of years.

Your DSDs quality of life sounds very poor it will get better with intervention. Get your DH and DM to contact the local Community Learning Disability Team.

It will never happen but wouldn't it be a great thing if every pair of warring parents had access to a service- a trained adult would look at the situation in a cold and dispassonate light, then pass judgement on who should be doing what, when and how- and the parents had to comply. No she said, he said, just shut your face and do as you're told.

Iirc there was a plan for this in Scotland where every child had a named person but then the plan was abandoned. ‘But it was delayed when the Supreme Court ruled that part of the plan breached Human Rights laws’.

she will end up in crisis in an inpatient in services
That might be the best thing for her. There will be no more opportunity for denial, and the girl will gat access to services.

but I genuinely think that that is due to her mother who has a lifetime track record of being unable to co-anything with anyone.

And your husband chose her.

On a one night stand.

Can I ask if you really think a positive behaviour support plan will actually turn this around?

OP sorry to thread hog but I find the same. I told my DH it was like two ends of a shitty stick. Child is a nightmare and so is the ex. One throws a wobbler and the other follows closely behind.

Do you really think this close to 18 she’ll even get a CAMH support plan or even get on the adult services waiting list? And I’d you think OP hasn’t tried to push her DH into arranging help and support - which is only available IF both parents agree to anything?

Personally I think DSD and her mother have a range of undiagnosed mental illnesses aside from the ones that are already being dealt with. Time will tell.
My job is to keep my DD safe so…