My husband just acted like a cunt didn't he?

[Bahhhh1]

So my husband has had to go into work today, admittedly he didn't want to buy anyway.

DSC are here from last night but supposed to be back with their mum this morning. I said I would drop them off but no one has discussed a time yet so I have no idea what's going on.

Told H to ring his ex or something so I know what's going on as I have my own stuff to do today (going out later and need to nip to shops too first) and I don't want to be sat around for ages not knowing what's happening.

Cue H shouting downstairs in earshot of DSC that clearly I just find them such a burden why don't I just tell them that I don't want them here so I can go out blah blah blah.

I'm so angry. He always does this, just acts like DC are my issue and swans off to work leaving me not knowing what's happening and if I ever dare say anything it's 'you find them such a burden'. Well yes it IS a burden not knowing what's going on!!!

Also, it's absolutely ridiculous that you are regularly in sole care of these children and don't even have their mothers phone number - why is that?

Im betting DH has forbidden you to talk to her, citing her as some kind of psycho bitch?.. when more likely it's that the doesnt want the two of you getting your heads together? Wonder why...?

OP your instincts are right: leave this relationship. Maybe you need to figure out how, but don't let that put you off.

Read up about gaslighting and DARVO. As a start I think you'll recognise a lot.

You're inadvertently enabling him, because you're in planet "Let's treat everybody with respect and behave decently" and he's on planet "This works for me". When they come together, only one is satisfied. And only one is on the receiving end of the sort of subtle abuse that makes them doubt themselves.

The way out is to literally get out of the relationship (do not attempt joint therapy). Until then, remember that whatever he says or does the underlying aim is to suit himself, distance yourself emotionally (takes energy) and go about your life in away that works for you. One that makes you feel good.

So if you think him saying those things in earshot of DSC is damaging, unfair, not true, go in and tell them that you don't know why he said that, it's really not true. You're upset he would say that, but not upset they're there. For example.

You could turn off your phone and go about your day with the DSC, tell then they're going to have to tag along a bit, but you'll see if you can make it not too boring. Take control back. Don't be waiting for him to deign to inform you if anything. If they're still with you when he comes home from work, his problem. If the mother contacts them then she can meet you wherever you're at to collect them. Do not be bending to accommodate anybody other than your DC and DSC well-being. If the adults are inconvenienced then their problem.

These are suggestions of examples, but the bottom line remains the same: he will not change and if you stay in the relationship you'll become increasingly unhappy because he's abusive. You're allowed to get on with things and not wait for him to give you the green flag to drop his kids off. He has you literally right where he wants you: waiting for him. Fuck that shit OP. Get your life back.

It will feel strange to prioritise yourself, but you're not being unfair in these circumstances. With someone else you prioritise them and they do the same for you and it works. With people like DH, they just take your kindness and trample you into the ground, slowly, over time.

You need to leave. Your poor child.

Good idea

Hmmm. Yes obviously this man was a total prick to shout what he shouted, and yes he should have made arrangements and not assumed.
But...also, you have a child with him? So the step children are siblings of your child? So they are not really nothing to do with you , they are part of your family.
I also find it really strange you don't have the children's mum's phone number! What if you had agreed to look after them and you needed to contact her for some reason?
I don't think this situation is as cut and dried as it might seem tbh, but then I grew up in a step family and there was no " your kids my kids" we were all just " the kids" (and all still feel like siblings for what its worth)
You need to read him the riot act about what he said, it was way out of order, but maybe try to have a calm conversation about how you both envisage this family functioning in the future.

You know where the mum lives, just go round. If she’s not home then no big deal, if she is then you can drop the kids off.

He's being a rude, awful arsehole to you. No doubt about that.

The worst thing , is that he's even worse with his kids. Cruel and hurtful to the SC by saying that kind of shit around them , and spiteful to the little one by ignoring them when he left. Basically he despises/hates you more, than he loves them and he'll happily hurt them to make a point and get you to do what he wants.

At least you're an adult, with options and choices. The poor kids stuck in the middle of his shitshow of Billy Big Bollocks have none.

I don’t doubt it but what else is the OP to do? She needs to go out so can’t have the kids, I do think it would be best to message first though to tell him.

And that's why he's not with his ex! because he's a fucking idiot.

OP, I'm a single parent, and reading this all I think is 'thank God I'm single and not with someone like that.'

Of course it's hugely daunting but I really think once you get the ball rolling you'll feel so much better. Can you call Women's Aid just for advice as a first step?

Why get into a relationship with someone like that? Were there no warning signs? Can someone turn into such a numpty out of nowhere? Gawd knows. Hope it doesn't mess up the children too much, although it's too late by now I expect. Please don't bring any more children into the world with this horrible specimen.

I would do a couple of things.

1. Ask DSC for their mum's no.
2. Message both of them and say they need to communicate better about DC's drop off's and pick ups as it is causing both you and DSC stress. Be professional about it.
3. Sit down with DSC and tell them you care about them/ love them, but are stressed out because their mum and dad needs to sort out better communication.

3 may sound bad, but it is actually their fault. Why should DSC and SM feel shitty when they are the useless ones.

Oh and 4) Tell your DH you are thinking of leaving because it is too stressful for you and you wont be spoken to like that.

How old are the children and how many?

If at all possible I’d bundle everyone up and take them with you today. I’d make sure they were content and not feeling unloved, while refusing to allow him to control your schedule.

Next time I’d be up and out of the house with toddler before he’s awake. Probably immature but he’s just a control freak for refusing to provide you with simple info required to plan your day.

OP however this pans out please don't.ever let DH, DSC or their mum tell you that you're responsible for the therapy that they're inevitably going to need when they get older. They have 2 parents who are responsibile for creating them but don't seem to want to take responsibility for caring for them. They are either totally oblivious or callous to the damage that this will be doing to their children but either way it's not your circus and not your monkey. I'd be seriously evaluating whether I want to stay with this type of man too. What value is he bringing to you or any of his children? I hope you can manage to sort things for all involved but especially the kids

For those saying 'it's not fair on the children' , whilst you're not wrong, this is what arsehole fathers do time and time again. Because women will pretty much always be kind and put children before themselves. The arseholes know this, don't do it themselves, in fact they always put themselves first, and can continue their single lives because of it.
It's a really really difficult one.

Op. I think you will be extremely surprised by how much happier you will be if you can get this horrible selfish man out of your life. I know it's daunting, so start making baby steps towards it.

I tell you what being a single parent is sometimes tough going without a doubt but it’s a much nicer more authentic life than being in a relationship with someone like your partner.
Please don’t drop the SC at his work place that’s the kind of thing he would do but definitely take the advice on taking the first steps to leaving this man.

With their dad going off to work, their mum uncontactable and no pre arranged drop off time sounds like you're not the one who finds them a burden.

Well he’s clearly awful. But you are choosing to stay.

Placemarking

It's not the OP's fault at all. Her dickhead husband is entirely to blame.

They are at home already.

Was today meant to be a custody exchange day? Were they supposed to be going back to their mother’s today?

did he get called into work unexpectedly? Does he have a choice about going in or not?

How awful of him! I’d go to the shops with all the kids so at least that’s done and you’re not wasting so much of your time. I guess I’d just hope that you’ve heard from ex and they could be dropped off before the party too. Nightmare.

Of course he treats you with no respect.

You clearly have no respect for yourself.

You are the mug he found to be skivvy/aupair to his children and you fell for it.

He's utter scum and abusive, but unfortunately your bar is so low you fell for it.

He's a disgrace of a father and you have inflicted him on your child too.

Instead of being daunted and used, start planning.

Can you call Womens aid for advice?

Two people are using you for childcare.

This is your life until it gets better.

You should have left the house before he did today.

Those are not your children but you are being used and abused for childcare.

I feel very sorry for your child that you have brought into this mess.

Get advice.
He is abusive.
You need to leave him.
That house needs to be sold.

Stop being used.
Call Womens aid and ask them what you should do legally when he walks out and leaves children that are NOT yours in the house.

You are a mug and being treated like one.

This is your life until you take action.

In answer to the OP: yes, he is. What do you get out of being with him, and being a nanny for his children?

Christ, you have your own child, too? And you have inflicted this man on YOUR child?

I never cease to be appalled by some of the arseholes that some women allow into their children’s lives and homes.