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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My husband just acted like a cunt didn't he?

164 replies

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 09:27

So my husband has had to go into work today, admittedly he didn't want to buy anyway.

DSC are here from last night but supposed to be back with their mum this morning. I said I would drop them off but no one has discussed a time yet so I have no idea what's going on.

Told H to ring his ex or something so I know what's going on as I have my own stuff to do today (going out later and need to nip to shops too first) and I don't want to be sat around for ages not knowing what's happening.

Cue H shouting downstairs in earshot of DSC that clearly I just find them such a burden why don't I just tell them that I don't want them here so I can go out blah blah blah.

I'm so angry. He always does this, just acts like DC are my issue and swans off to work leaving me not knowing what's happening and if I ever dare say anything it's 'you find them such a burden'. Well yes it IS a burden not knowing what's going on!!!

OP posts:
tulips27 · 27/12/2022 09:52

If there's something you can all do together that you would enjoy I'd just go off with them and do that tbh. Your husband and the stepchildren's mother having been decent enough to let you know so have a fun day out and sod them if it messes up their plans.

tulips27 · 27/12/2022 09:52

*haven't been decent enough

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 27/12/2022 09:52

He is gaslighting you and DARVOing you. HE is the one who acts like they're a burden. It seems he is with you only so he has a glorified babysitter. He is not a nice man at all and why get with him if you cannot communicate with him? I'd tell him he starts treating you with some respect, agrees to marriage counselling, or you'll file for divorce and walk. He needs an ULTIMATUM. He needs to be made to face the consequences and if you have to threaten to file for divorce, if that will shock him out of it, do that. But do not put up with his behaviour one day longer. Things must come to a head, tonight.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/12/2022 09:53

I don't think it's a big ask for you to look after your own DC's siblings at Xmas whilst your DH works despite the usual responses that these kids are fuck all to do with you and you owe them nothing.

It's their home too and your DH works for the benefit of the family unit, not just himself presumably.

So it depends on your reaction to having to look after them. It's one of those situations where in the face of it, you appear to be in the right but I would've liked to have heard his side of the story too.

But announcing to his kids like that that you don't want to look after them? That is spectacularly shit. Poor kids, they must be on eggshells.

OP, rather than sitting around fuming, remember these kids didn't ask for this situation and to be unwelcome. Can you not take them all out for a hot chocolate and a walk round the shops; maybe you'd all feel better with some fresh air!

That may not be the advice you want to hear so feel free to discard. Someone will be along in a minute to say ring social services as the kids have been abandoned.

StrawberryPot · 27/12/2022 09:57

Poor kids must be feeling very uncomfortable and upset hearing what he said and the manner in which he said it. You say one of them has messaged their mum but she hasn't responded? Are they okay? Have you been able to reassure them?

Ragruggers · 27/12/2022 09:59

Poor children with such an awful father.Why are you married to this person.Make plans to leave as soon as possible.This is no life and you know this why stay?

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2022 09:59

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 09:34

I can't just go and drop them off as I have no idea if there mum is even in or what's going on. This is what I find so frustrating. I'll just sit here now waiting until either parent decides to inform me what's happening. So fucking rude.

Show quote history

Drop them off at his work then. The kids have two parents and you happen to know the precise location of one of them.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 27/12/2022 10:01

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/12/2022 09:53

I don't think it's a big ask for you to look after your own DC's siblings at Xmas whilst your DH works despite the usual responses that these kids are fuck all to do with you and you owe them nothing.

It's their home too and your DH works for the benefit of the family unit, not just himself presumably.

So it depends on your reaction to having to look after them. It's one of those situations where in the face of it, you appear to be in the right but I would've liked to have heard his side of the story too.

But announcing to his kids like that that you don't want to look after them? That is spectacularly shit. Poor kids, they must be on eggshells.

OP, rather than sitting around fuming, remember these kids didn't ask for this situation and to be unwelcome. Can you not take them all out for a hot chocolate and a walk round the shops; maybe you'd all feel better with some fresh air!

That may not be the advice you want to hear so feel free to discard. Someone will be along in a minute to say ring social services as the kids have been abandoned.

I dont think OP has an issue looking after them. The issue here is the being in limbo. If OP has plans, its not fair to not be able to spend her free time doing them rather than looking after children that are meant to be going back to their mums.
Why should her day be ruined because the childrens parents cant get their acts together?

OP Id ring the Mom and tell her you are on your way to dropping them back. As for yoir DP. He'd be told to find somewhere else to stay tonight whilst you have time to think.
Treating your toddler like that is appaling. I was in a situation similar to this. SC were always included, sometimes he didnt even say goodnight to our little one.
I was also a back up babysitter.

I left and the relief is enormous

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/12/2022 10:01

Yes he did. And it doesn't sound like it's anywhere near the first time.

So what are you going to do about it?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2022 10:02

If the DSC have her number then can’t you get it from them and give their mum a call? Much simpler solution than sitting around waiting for her to text via them.

Kanaloa · 27/12/2022 10:02

I would tell him due to his behaviour any goodwill babysitting is unfortunately impossible now. You aren’t able to offer any at all, even five minutes while he nips to the shops, he must never leave the house without his children unless he’s arranged childcare. Make it clear to him that they aren’t your responsibility and you’re not willing to have them pushed onto you and abandoned by their parents.

Personally, I’d just dump him. Less work and he can pay out of pocket for a full time servant instead.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2022 10:04

A good rule of thumb when dating a divorced man is to assume that he is the reason they're divorced. There is a slither of a chance that it wasn't him, but I'd say only a tiny one.

pictoosh · 27/12/2022 10:04

His method of bringing the kids into it, hurting them to punish and control you, is frankly sociopathic. It suggests a pit of such deep, callous selfishness that I don't believe you have any hope of resolution. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but he is bullying you. Deliberately.

Kanaloa · 27/12/2022 10:04

Although it does sound absolutely shit for the poor kids. They don’t deserve to be treated like this by their parents. But the only way it will stop is if you’re no longer available to dump them on and the parents need to take responsibility.

Original poster
Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:04

It's not that it's a big ask. As I've said already if it was a case of asking me to drop off with ex at whatever time, he'd organised it with her and it was just a case of me going and dropping off that's fine.

It's the fact he refuses to organise anything and just leaves me not knowing what's happening when he knows I have my own stuff to do.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 27/12/2022 10:05

I don't think it's a big ask for you to look after your own DC's siblings at Xmas whilst your DH works despite the usual responses that these kids are fuck all to do with you and you owe them nothing.

It's their home too and your DH works for the benefit of the family unit, not just himself presumably.

Um, she IS looking after them. They are expected back at their mother’s this morning. So the OP is trying to make that happen.

She’s not kicking them out of the house at dawn. She didn’t even expect ‘D’H to drop them on his way to work. She just needs their two parents to give her the courtesy of a time so she can drop them back and plan the rest of her day.

Original poster
Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:06

And my plans today can't just easily be adjusted either. My child has a friend's birthday party that he's known about for weeks.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/12/2022 10:06

He’s a knob
Ask the kid for her number and call her yourself to sort it today- don’t hang around for this to keep happening

BethJ62 · 27/12/2022 10:07

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/12/2022 09:53

I don't think it's a big ask for you to look after your own DC's siblings at Xmas whilst your DH works despite the usual responses that these kids are fuck all to do with you and you owe them nothing.

It's their home too and your DH works for the benefit of the family unit, not just himself presumably.

So it depends on your reaction to having to look after them. It's one of those situations where in the face of it, you appear to be in the right but I would've liked to have heard his side of the story too.

But announcing to his kids like that that you don't want to look after them? That is spectacularly shit. Poor kids, they must be on eggshells.

OP, rather than sitting around fuming, remember these kids didn't ask for this situation and to be unwelcome. Can you not take them all out for a hot chocolate and a walk round the shops; maybe you'd all feel better with some fresh air!

That may not be the advice you want to hear so feel free to discard. Someone will be along in a minute to say ring social services as the kids have been abandoned.

There’s always one ……..

Why can’t the children’s parents sort it out ?

Original poster
Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:07

I've wanted to leave many MANY times but it all feels so daunting.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 27/12/2022 10:07

He sounds like a total moron.

You should start 2023 without him, I’m certain you’ll be 100% happier this time next year if you did!

Gingerbreadhouseofhorror · 27/12/2022 10:07

How far away does the mum live? I would drive them round there now tbh.

Original poster
Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:08

And it's not just as simple as telling him to find somewhere else to stay. He is joint owner of our house he'd never just leave.

OP posts:
OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 27/12/2022 10:08

Get the mums number from the DSC and give her a call.

I hate the "it's not your responsibility" crap responses on here. Somebody needs to step up and take responsibility for todays arrangements and unless you do it then it's stalemate isn't it.

And please reassure DSC that they are not a burden and that you very much care about them. It's horrible hearing things like that as a child.

I would also be letting the mum know that was said in front of them so she can give some reassurance too.

User359472111111 · 27/12/2022 10:09

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 09:31

It's complete emotional manipulation. Do what I want or I'll say you hate my kids.

i honestly don’t suggest LTB all the time but this would be a deal breaker for me. This is truly appalling.