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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My husband just acted like a cunt didn't he?

164 replies

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 09:27

So my husband has had to go into work today, admittedly he didn't want to buy anyway.

DSC are here from last night but supposed to be back with their mum this morning. I said I would drop them off but no one has discussed a time yet so I have no idea what's going on.

Told H to ring his ex or something so I know what's going on as I have my own stuff to do today (going out later and need to nip to shops too first) and I don't want to be sat around for ages not knowing what's happening.

Cue H shouting downstairs in earshot of DSC that clearly I just find them such a burden why don't I just tell them that I don't want them here so I can go out blah blah blah.

I'm so angry. He always does this, just acts like DC are my issue and swans off to work leaving me not knowing what's happening and if I ever dare say anything it's 'you find them such a burden'. Well yes it IS a burden not knowing what's going on!!!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 27/12/2022 10:09

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:07

I've wanted to leave many MANY times but it all feels so daunting.

Honestly I think, in a relationship, if you’ve wanted to leave many times you’ve already left.

How daunting can it feel? Worse than always sitting on eggshells? I’d have left the first time this shit was pulled.

Fireflygal · 27/12/2022 10:09

A good rule of thumb when dating a divorced man is to assume that he is the reason they're divorced. There is a slither of a chance that it wasn't him, but I'd say only a tiny one

How disappointing but likely to be true.

Op, you have nailed it - it's emotional manipulation. He is also punishing you by disregarding your toddler, knowing it would upset you. He obviously has a sense of entitlement as you are an appliance to him to look after the children. If you attempt to have a boundary he will explode as he doesn't want an equitable relationship.

Speak to the dsd, say they are welcome to stay with you but just wanted to know when their mum was collecting them as she must be excited to see them.

JoyPeaceSleep · 27/12/2022 10:10

You see the situation very clearly. It's just what to do

After the step DC heard that, I'd say to them that they're not a burden, their dad was wrong to say that. Don't protect him! say to the step DC that they're not burdens at all, you merely asked what time their mother was expecting them back. I'd ring her, she couldn't possibly be harder to deal with.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 27/12/2022 10:10

'DH I love your kids and am happy to help care for them in a respectful way but I'm not their parents or their live in nanny. It's your responsibility to sort out childcare with their mum and you need to request any childcare that I provide not expect it. If you ever emotionally blackmail me or bad mouth me like that in front of your kids like that again you can f%*k off out of my house for good. I will play no part in you psychologically damaging your children for your own self-gratitude'

This is what I'd tell him x

PritiPatelsMaker · 27/12/2022 10:10

And it's not just as simple as telling him to find somewhere else to stay. He is joint owner of our house he'd never just leave

Please call Women's Aidd* and talk through this with them. You can't live with someone just because they won't leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 10:11

What’s more daunting, leaving and having a nice stress free life where you can focus on yourself and your child, or putting up with more of this utter shit living with a selfish heartless arsehole and your child watching you being treated like a fucking doormat in your own home?

I know which I’d choose.

WandaWonder · 27/12/2022 10:11

Maybe this is why previous partner got rid of him?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 27/12/2022 10:12

When I was small my dm's bf had 2 dc. He used to do this. Dm didn't drive. She used to put his dc in a taxi and send them to his dps... Every time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 10:13

WandaWonder · 27/12/2022 10:11

Maybe this is why previous partner got rid of him?

Maybe it is but what has that got to do with OP’s post? It’s an unhelpful stupid thing to say and suggests you think OP is to blame for being with someone who’s had a relationship before. What’s your point, just to stick the boot in?

MamaFirst · 27/12/2022 10:17

Such an arse hole! It's also incredibly unkind and inconsiderate on his own children having two parents who both can't be arsed to keep them in the loop so they know what's happening. They must feel so awkward.

He doesn't have to talk back to you telling him that is unacceptable behaviour and you won't tolerate it. You can tell him you want to split, even if he won't leave the house just now. If you never start, you'll never get any further.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 27/12/2022 10:19

Usually I'm of the opinion that it's crazy to marry someone with kids and not take on a caring role in their lives but he's being a massive prick about it. He should be the one dealing with his ex and it shouldn't be that hard for him to just text her and make arrangements. Whatever else was happening shouting that you hate his kids in their earshot is absolutely fucking awful behaviour. Poor kids being made to feel like that!

Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong · 27/12/2022 10:21

He is angry because his plan hasn't worked out as he wanted.

His replacement babysitter for his dc's isn't shutting up and doing what she's told and being a total mug like he expected, so he's getting all shouty snd manipulative instead to try and put you in your place. I bet you do all the housework too don't you OP?

Id start looking for a way to leave - he sounds horrible. He doesn't care that his behaviour is probably emotionally scarring his children and upsetting you. He sounds like a nasty prick.

Bigbadfish · 27/12/2022 10:21

Grandparents, Aunts or Uncles? I would find anyone ASAP and get them dropped off. And this is it. I would start leaving.

reader12 · 27/12/2022 10:23

I’m so sorry but he sounds like an irredeemable arsehole. Anybody who can treat all the children involved the way he has just treated them is not worth any more of your time or effort. Time to start working on your plan for how to leave.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 27/12/2022 10:24

He's a bastard and a crap dad

MichaelFabricantWig · 27/12/2022 10:24

What an absolute wanker. I also agree with dropping him off at his work. Or messaging him to say that unless he gives you a precise time that is what you’ll be doing. And have it out with him later on about his behaviour, what an utter prick.

Passthechocolatesplease · 27/12/2022 10:25

Surely the most important people here are the children, the OP should be focusing on ensuring they don’t leave feel completely unwanted after they heard that awful comment. Surely a quick phonecall to the Mum isn’t beyond the realms of possibility by her to arrange a pick up time.

maddiemookins16mum · 27/12/2022 10:26

As awful as the situation is, the main people to consider here are the SC. None of this their fault, none of it. They are probably feeling the aftermath of this, feeling scared maybe or upset.

Thenose · 27/12/2022 10:26

If he cared about his children, he wouldn't have shouted this in their earshot. So he clearly doesn't believe what he's saying.

It's more likely he knows you care about his children's well-being more than he does, and he's using this to manipulate you into doing whatever is easiest for him. He thinks he can stop you from disagreeing with him in the future if he makes you worry that it will lead to his children being hurt.

And, if you're honest with yourself, you probably will think twice next time, won't you?

What an absolute fucking prick.

maddiemookins16mum · 27/12/2022 10:27

MichaelFabricantWig · 27/12/2022 10:24

What an absolute wanker. I also agree with dropping him off at his work. Or messaging him to say that unless he gives you a precise time that is what you’ll be doing. And have it out with him later on about his behaviour, what an utter prick.

I really don’t agree, imagine being the child in this situation, it would be awful.

converseandjeans · 27/12/2022 10:27

How old are DSC? Could they not be left for a few hours?

If not I would ask children to call to find out what time they can go home.

I feel sorry for the DSC tbh if your DH has been ranting on. Was he not like this before you decided to have another one? Or has he got worse since the third one arrived?

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2022 10:28

Bahhhh1 · 27/12/2022 10:08

And it's not just as simple as telling him to find somewhere else to stay. He is joint owner of our house he'd never just leave.

It feels daunting but break it down into steps. First of all, tell a good friend or family member you can trust. Get some support. Then get an appointment with a solicitor, work out what your next steps are. If you just do those two things for now, you'll set the wheels in motion and the rest will come more easily.

PopUpMoon · 27/12/2022 10:28

maddiemookins16mum · 27/12/2022 10:26

As awful as the situation is, the main people to consider here are the SC. None of this their fault, none of it. They are probably feeling the aftermath of this, feeling scared maybe or upset.

And her child, who might miss a birthday party today due to this, what about them?

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2022 10:28

Told H to ring his ex or something so I know what's going on as I have my own stuff to do today (going out later and need to nip to shops too first) and I don't want to be sat around for ages not knowing what's happening.

Were you shouting this UP the stairs at him? Otherwise I'm a bit confused about how you managed to say this directly to him but he responded by shouting DOWNSTAIRS at you? Did he stalk off upstairs after you said this to his face?

If your child misses their friend's birthday party because of him, it will be appalling. Sad.

Bestcatmum · 27/12/2022 10:30

Reading this crap daily on mumsnet I thank God everyday that I'm single, own my own home and have a decent job and pension. The thought of being trapped with an ass like this makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Do what I did for a house leaving refuser OP. Start the divorce rolling andet the courts sort it out.