Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

Yeah I completely agree, and he would never shy away from his responsibilities, just wish my ex felt the same.

@Pinkgreyfluffyrug please start your own thread.
It will get more responses for your help and advice

Sorry you are having such a hard time. With your step Daughter I would just step back and see if SS can get involved and the police.

With you step son, I know you have said you received proof but I would seriously consider doing a court ordered DNA test to be sure and then maybe he could still see him going forward.

I hope things are okay as you haven't posted for a few days.

Yep exactly the same. But as I said pales to insignificance next to your issues

Sorry I haven't been back on,
I had a complete mental breakdown, it was horrific, the last year has just completely destroyed me.

The police are involved and SS are now involved again.

As I said in my first post, I left a severely abusive relationship, I've now found out out SD mum has been trying to contact my ex.

It all just feels like a bad dream that I can't wake from. DP has been amazing, trying his best to support me and help me through this.

This has obviously turned very serious now, I don't know what is going to happen going forward. What I do know, is SD is a danger to myself and my children. She will never ever be allowed near us again, I won't allow it. Even if she does get help, yes I know that sounds harsh, but I can't forgive any of this now.

I've contacted the police once again, with evidence SD mum is trying to contact my ex. I'm going to see my solicitor tomorrow afternoon for some advice too.

Wow easy to see where dsd is getting her ideas from.. You really are best out of it.

@horrificbiology
The DNA test is legitimate.
DP spoke to his solicitor on Thursday, apparently the company she used, is one the court uses.

Harsh, but has your DP paid maintenance for someone else's son? Does he get any recompense for this? Does the real father get any consequences?

I am horrified to be reading this, that alleged 'caring mothers' can behave towards other people like this, especially when you have been nothing but lovely to your SD. Total btches the pair of them and you do absolutely right to not allow her back in your life ever again. Glad your DP is so supportive. Remember to keep strong. It boils my pss to bggery fck as to why people actually behave like this, surely they are wired wrong? I didn't behave like this as a single mum when I split from my son's dad.

How did you know the mother was in touch with your ex? I know you're on to it but the only thing she has to gain from that is either a) ammunition to b*tch at you with or b) gain ammunition to show that her DD must never be left in your company (your unstable or whatnot, might hurt her darling child). Just be warned.

I've been horrified reading some of these experiences on here, not just from you but others. I like to think I'm a firm but fair 'mum' (whether biological or not), and that I have a reason for everything I do in terms of boundaries (giving the kids life lessons etc). However, my SD is a spoiled little witch already. I was dreading her being a teen, but I'm triple terrified now. Apart from anything else DH is not supportive and sensible like yours, he will make every excuse to enable her behaviour.

@wickedstepmothfker

Regarding maintenance, DP was paying £1000 a month. A lot more than what was needed, but he likes to make sure his kids are provided for.
She has now cancelled the CMS case, (it was only opened as she thought she should get more than £1000!)
There will be no fallout for her, she's dropped a bomb and acting like it's all fine and she's the victim.
We don't know the dad, so unaware as to his feelings on it.

SDs mum was contacting my ex to tell him where we were. He has no idea where we were, thankfully she wasn't able to do this, but she knows exactly what myself and the kids went through with him. And she's completely put our lives in danger. I'm just so grateful someone told me so I could report and get it stopped in time.

@wickedstepmothfker
I forgot to say, I found out through ex's old work. He has a unique name, she googled and found his old business.

The company was part ex's, he was removed once police were involved in what he did to me. The other partner for the business reached out to support me.

Jesus christ that woman is a danger, so happy you were able tot get in front of it. WTF is she thinking??

Yes I think moving is best you, DP and kids. So so sorry this has escalated to this insanity in such a short time.

@beAsensible1

I really don't know what she is thinking, I wish I did, if I did i might have been able to sort it, I still wish I could, I just want it all to stop, but I know people like that, they won't stop

Beyond grateful someone told you. FML if your relationship was that abusive like you say, then she has certainly jeopardised your safety. I get the impression you’ve also reported this recent development to the police thank god. I know pp have asked this but does the step dad know all this? Is he coercively abused? Why in fuck’s name would you (as a man) stay with a woman with those kind of behaviours?

That’s so nice to know that people have your back

I wish I could give you a big hug. You have gone to utter hell and not quite back yet. The problem here is you are a logical, rational woman who sees the good in people. But SDs mum is nothing like that, her moral bar is lower than a limbo pole, she's making decisions out of spite, vengeance and hate rather than for the sake of her disturbed child and reason. Don't judge her by your standards- she doesn't share your values.

Remember you got out of hell before and you can do it again. I too have an extremely dangerous and abusive ex too and you never know how you survive but you just do . I always used to say I'm like a cockroach not even a nuclear blast will finish me off.

You have a good man who is also going through this desperate with you- the silver lining is you both will get through this, you both will chose an amazing new home and place to live and you both will live out your days happy. However cruella de ville will always be bitter, always miserable because she makes choices based on self interest and vengeance. Those qualities shape a person no one wants to be around.

Thinking of you x

@wickedstepmothfker

I don't think he knows half of what's going on. He's away majority of the time.
I also have no idea if he's abused. He's very quiet, doesn't spend a lot of time at the house when he's home, usually goes to his mums a lot. It's a very strange situation. I feel so sorry for him, I do think he only stays because of his son.

So sorry you've been through an abusive relationship too. My ex isn't long out of prison because of what he did. He's extremely dangerous, she knows this too.

It's really difficult trying to get all of this straight in my own head, that is what's causing my breakdown to be honest, I couldn't imagine doing anything like this to anyone. I don't understand the mindset at all.

Hopefully it all comes crashing down on her.

@stepmumnamechange I'm so sorry to read your updates. That woman needs locking up, wicked cruel individual that she is. I hope there are repercussions for her deliberate attempt to put you and your children at risk. Disgusting individual.

I really think you, your DP and children need to leave, move away now. Rent out your home whatever. It is beyond toxic for all of you staying where you are. Change your phone numbers and emails. Also get a non-Mol against this horrific woman - I would imagine you have grounds for an ex-parte order in the circumstances. This woman is abusing you and without a doubt has done untold damage to her own daughter in the process. For that she is responsible and she alone - no one can help that child now other than social services. The child shouldn't be in her mother's care nor can she ever be in your DP's care now -too much damage has been done to all parties.

People speak of alienation - this is one of those rare cases where alienation has indeed occurred. Deliberately, and with malicious intent. Please do not try to find a rationale reason for why - there is no reason a normal person can understand. It is pure malice that motivates this kind of behaviour, a desire to hurt, destroy at any cost.

You poor soul, I so wish I could do something to help you. Please keep posting so we can at least offer support here for you.

Maybe time to fight fire with fire and try and get in touch with the step dad or his mum?

No she should leave it alone and concentrate on herself.

The fact he's away and when he's there spends time at his mum indicates there are problems in his own relationship with that woman.

Way too dangerous, clearly that woman is willing to put other childrens lives at risk for petty squabbles and oneupmanship.

They should all stay absolutely clear of all of them.

Given your most recent update I'm just so sorry.

I work with dv victims and it has to be said what mum has is just beyond the pale and I'm so bloody sorry.

I hope you get to move away from this madness, sometimes you just have to put yourself first.

No words just hope your ok. Please be kind to yourself

Sounds like your step daughter has lots of issues. No you shouldn't leave. Your dp should stop responding to the messages. He should suggest to the ex that they all engage in family therapy. They should pay half each. In the meantime you should not have her over. I think all the adults involved with your dd need to stop instantly reacting to her statements and demands.