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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Difficult situation, advice needed.

308 replies

stepmumnamechange · 28/11/2022 14:50

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2023 20:35

This is my hope too. She's had enough chances and enough forgiveness. It's done her no good at all. She isn't going to change or learn unless she gets punished.

I'd argue she hasn't been given enough chances. Not by you and your DH, you've bent over backwards. But she has no chance with her mother and she won't be OK as a result. What kind of parent commits on offence with their child?

And yes, if love and kindness don't work or aren't offered then consequences and time are the only chance.

I wish you all the very very best.

justgettingthroughtheday · 01/01/2023 21:42

@MrsTerryPratchett I kind of agree with you. In some respects the best outcome here may well be the daughter being taken into care or even a youth offender unit. Somewhere she will get some tough love and consequences for her behaviour.
Her mother is at best incapable of parenting and neglecting her daughter and at worst she's driving the behaviour.

Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 01/01/2023 22:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2023 20:35

This is my hope too. She's had enough chances and enough forgiveness. It's done her no good at all. She isn't going to change or learn unless she gets punished.

I'd argue she hasn't been given enough chances. Not by you and your DH, you've bent over backwards. But she has no chance with her mother and she won't be OK as a result. What kind of parent commits on offence with their child?

And yes, if love and kindness don't work or aren't offered then consequences and time are the only chance.

I wish you all the very very best.

You're right.
Her mum believes you should treat your children like friends, but this is the result.

I wish I could post stills of the footage, it's absolutely horrendous, both laughing uncontrollably, they actually walked around together picking up and choosing a rock. It's just so unbelievable. I keep watching the video, as it just doesn't seem real.

I really hoped SD would learn, she's gotten worse. She needs serious intervention and hopefully the police do just that.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 02/01/2023 02:02

Damn...what a fucking nightmare! I definitely think the sd's maternal line descends from the De Borgia's family and needs an exorcism! Sorry I'm trying to bring humor to an utterly vile situation. You're a strong and loving woman who has been through hell and back and your children and your partner are so lucky to have you. The police don't catch the clever ones do they? Thank god for your video security camera! Tbh I've got a close family member exactly like the SD she's got TWO personality disorders. Best of luck in your future

MeridianB · 02/01/2023 08:37

Just RTFT.

Oh @stepmumnamechange I am so sorry this is happening. When you described it like a bomb going off, that was how I was reading it. It’s so devastating and terrifying.

Now that police, SS and school are involved, it makes sense for your focus to be entirely on the wellbeing and safety of you and your children.

Could DP block them on his phone, get a PAYG phone, tell ex his new number and then leave it switched off so they can fill it up with texts and messages but he doesn’t have to see/hear then unless/until he chooses to. Also helpful to share with authorities.

Is there a plan to keep MIL safe? She also needs to block them both.

Restraining orders?

To have the news about DSS and to lose that relationship in the middle of everything else, is simply heartbreaking. I feel so sad for DSS and your DP and family.

Stay strong. I really hope 2023 will be a more positive year for you all.

Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 02/01/2023 13:29

EKGEMS · 02/01/2023 02:02

Damn...what a fucking nightmare! I definitely think the sd's maternal line descends from the De Borgia's family and needs an exorcism! Sorry I'm trying to bring humor to an utterly vile situation. You're a strong and loving woman who has been through hell and back and your children and your partner are so lucky to have you. The police don't catch the clever ones do they? Thank god for your video security camera! Tbh I've got a close family member exactly like the SD she's got TWO personality disorders. Best of luck in your future

That did make me laugh, thank you Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 02/01/2023 13:33

MeridianB · 02/01/2023 08:37

Just RTFT.

Oh @stepmumnamechange I am so sorry this is happening. When you described it like a bomb going off, that was how I was reading it. It’s so devastating and terrifying.

Now that police, SS and school are involved, it makes sense for your focus to be entirely on the wellbeing and safety of you and your children.

Could DP block them on his phone, get a PAYG phone, tell ex his new number and then leave it switched off so they can fill it up with texts and messages but he doesn’t have to see/hear then unless/until he chooses to. Also helpful to share with authorities.

Is there a plan to keep MIL safe? She also needs to block them both.

Restraining orders?

To have the news about DSS and to lose that relationship in the middle of everything else, is simply heartbreaking. I feel so sad for DSS and your DP and family.

Stay strong. I really hope 2023 will be a more positive year for you all.

He's been advised by everyone to just block and have no contact. So that is what he's done.
The whole family have now blocked them, as everyone is now getting abuse.

We are concerned about MIL, she will be alone in the house once we have left, but we don't know what to do.

To be honest, I don't even think a restraining order would keep them away, we are meeting up with BIL today to discuss what to do, especially in regards of MIL.

I'm still hoping SD wakes up and realises what she's doing, I really don't want her to end up in prison or care, it would ruin her life. But I also understand that we can't do anything to change that.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/01/2023 13:59

Totally agree that the restraining order doesn’t prevent, but it does give them both consequences if they breach it, and so presumably will deter if they are stupid enough to do it once. Unless they are turning into Thelma and Louise.

Could MIL stay with BIL for a while?

I think the pair of them breaking the window (after SD had called BIL to check you were at his) was a watershed. It says that the mother has lost the ability to behave in a rational way. Counting the days until her DP disappears.

Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 02/01/2023 15:07

MeridianB · 02/01/2023 13:59

Totally agree that the restraining order doesn’t prevent, but it does give them both consequences if they breach it, and so presumably will deter if they are stupid enough to do it once. Unless they are turning into Thelma and Louise.

Could MIL stay with BIL for a while?

I think the pair of them breaking the window (after SD had called BIL to check you were at his) was a watershed. It says that the mother has lost the ability to behave in a rational way. Counting the days until her DP disappears.

I didn't think of that, her calling to check we were at BILs. It didn't even cross my mind, but I suppose it makes sense.

A restraining order does sound like the best option, but I just don't want to rock the boat anymore, calling the police has massively stepped up their behaviour, I don't want to give them any more ammunition.

Will suggest to BIL about MIL staying with them, she could even come with us, I just don't think she'll leave her house, she's lived in it since she was 19, she still has all her DHs stuff in and he died 9 years ago.

It's awful that a child has completely wrecked our lives.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/01/2023 17:18

That's why I referenced Thelma and Louise. Most people would be horrified if the police got in touch about their behaviour and would quieten down. The fact that it has escalated things with ex and DD seems unusual and worrying - almost as if they have nothing to lose by getting worse.

Yes, it's too much of a coincidence that DD called BIL and then the window was broken while you were there.

RandomMess · 02/01/2023 17:20

I don't think this child has ruined your life, I think it's her mother tbh. I think DSD has been a pawn.

Regardless it's complete shot all around and DSD is not innocent.

Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 02/01/2023 20:32

MeridianB · 02/01/2023 17:18

That's why I referenced Thelma and Louise. Most people would be horrified if the police got in touch about their behaviour and would quieten down. The fact that it has escalated things with ex and DD seems unusual and worrying - almost as if they have nothing to lose by getting worse.

Yes, it's too much of a coincidence that DD called BIL and then the window was broken while you were there.

I really believe they do feel that way, they feel invincible, like nothing can touch them.
Im worried for SD when it does all come crashing down.

Nothing I can do about it though, whatever happens, she will never be allowed near me or my children again. Neither will she be allowed our new address. I need to keep my children safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 02/01/2023 20:34

RandomMess · 02/01/2023 17:20

I don't think this child has ruined your life, I think it's her mother tbh. I think DSD has been a pawn.

Regardless it's complete shot all around and DSD is not innocent.

Hopefully it all gradually stops now, surely the police won't let them get away with it. They have been really good to be fair to them. But I want the book thrown at SDs mum.

OP posts:
Okki · 30/01/2023 18:04

@stepmumnamechange how are you all?

Goodread1 · 12/02/2023 18:23

Hi Op

The step daughters mum sounds like she could be a proper Narcissistic unfortunately,i agree that your step daughter sounds like a extremely messed up child, that desperately needs much firmer boundaries is emotionally insecure, Cause of type of mother home life she has with her

Step back, put in firmer boundaries in place with her,

Show step daughter a reunited front, whilst keeping door/communications open emotionally for her,

Which I know is hardwork,

Even go into good counselling ect just to be able to sound off , able to destress one's feelings or and as a couple,

Don't for heavens sake, split up, not even temporary, as that will 100 per cent play into your step daughters hands,

That's obviously exactly what she wants,

Also start looking after yourself better not neglect yourself,

Pamper sessions Holistic Therapies , and or healthspa membership treatments..

You be able to cope with demands of crap stuff to do with step parenting better

lamaze1 · 12/02/2023 22:16

@Goodread1 things have moved on per the OPs updates.

NBquestion · 15/02/2023 08:18

Hi there, I am married have 2 kids from previous marriage, have 2 step daughters. Husband and I don't have kids together as we didn't meet till 41 was just too late for us. Oldest step daughter is having baby due soon. She asked her dad to be in delivery suite with her. Totally happy for him. I feel sad that I'm excluded. But I also under stand. Her mum will be there so the ex wife. I feel sad that my husband gets to experience another baby with her ex wife which I'm not part of, it's Def jealousy, I don't know how to explain to him why I feel sad but I don't want to hurt him. I am happy he's part of it but I feel so left out, but I don't want to say anything. He is excited I'm trying to be excited for him too I'm just also feeling sad. Any advice greatly appreciated

katmarie · 15/02/2023 08:54

@NBquestion you need to start your own thread lovely, you will get more replies that way.

Original poster
stepmumnamechange · 15/02/2023 15:19

Hi all,
Sorry for the silence, things have indeed escalated. I can't say much at the moment as there is heavy police involvement and I'm worried what I say will be found.

I'm okay though and so are my children. Hopefully soon I will be able to give you a full update.

Many thanks once again to all who offered help and advice Flowers

OP posts:
Teatime55 · 15/02/2023 15:21

Bless you for even updating. I hope one day you can come back to say everything is settled.

SeulementUneFois · 15/02/2023 15:23

OP

Wishing you all the best...
It's appalling how people can be so horrendous with hardly any repercussions.

AnotherForumUser · 15/02/2023 15:25

@stepmumnamechange Like the previous poster I hope this horrible situation gets resolved and you can start living a peaceful life without this stress. Take care. Hope to see you back when life gets easier x

harriethoyle · 15/02/2023 15:48

@stepmumnamechange so very sorry to hear this - look after yourself and your family and shout if you need to vent here.

WickedStepmomNOT · 15/02/2023 22:50

stepmumnamechange · 15/02/2023 15:19

Hi all,
Sorry for the silence, things have indeed escalated. I can't say much at the moment as there is heavy police involvement and I'm worried what I say will be found.

I'm okay though and so are my children. Hopefully soon I will be able to give you a full update.

Many thanks once again to all who offered help and advice Flowers

Hi @stepmumnamechange very sorry to hear this. Ive read the full thread and Im very sad for you, DP and your DC. Not DSD or her mum though, as whats going on could be stopped by them and while DSD is only 12, it is considered an age of responsibility, and she has had plenty of chances but decided to follow her mum instead of her dad. She had nearly half a year living in your calm, rational, loving household but chose to do some truly wicked things to her SD, no doubt egged on by the mum, and has tried the same with you.

As for the mum, trying to set your ex on you despite knowing he went to prison for what he did to you and your DC, that is just evil incarnate. Sadly DSD has no chance living with such a person but she was shown a different way and given an alternative but turned it down.

I am glad the police continue to be involved - your priority now is you, DP and your DC. Keep yourselves safe, and make the most of any moments of joy and happiness that come your way.

I was thinking of starting a thread about my DSD (nearly 14) but after reading yours now see my problems with her as trivial and petty, and will talk to DH about presenting more of a united front which will help, and will try to grow myself a thicker skin which will do even more good. You have helped me, albeit inadvertently, and I thank you for that and I fervently wish that things pick up for you and your family - sending you love and strength.

beobeau · 16/02/2023 07:44

@NBquestion
I'm not surprised you're a bit upset about that, does your DSD not have a husband? I think it's a big odd personally. I think a mother is fine in the delivery room but a father?? I watched an episode of one born every minute where an over-bearing father (not implying your DP is that) was in attendance and it really seemed odd, definitely was made out to be totally out the norm. I suppose you can't say anything but what's wrong with a visit at the hospital