Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

@cansu you need to read the rest of the ops posts, it has hugely escalated

I'm not the type of person that can do that, I hate trouble and I have a huge conscience.
I also don't want to stoop to her level, at the minute, I've done nothing wrong and she's doing all this to me. Imagine how much she'd ramp it up if I did retaliate.

Thank you for the work you do, the women who helped me were incredible.

Unfortunately, it's gone far beyond anything family therapy could solve.

@Pinkyxx

Thank you for your message

We are selling up and moving asap.

I'm upset to leave my house as I love it, but it all just feels tainted now. We plan on moving completely out of the county. We have an area in mind.

Hopefully it won't be too long 🤞🏻

I really hope things improve for you and DH.

I hope at some point your DSD get the help she needs, could be years away though.

No words for her mother - clearly has major issues and happy to damage everyone and everything thing.

@stepmumnamechange I'm sure you are, but please make sure you're all off of the electoral role and that your workplaces know of the risk so no info is every shared.

We aren't registered anywhere. I'm 'off the map'

Workplace and school have been excellent with it, thankfully.

She won't get help, unfortunately she will grow up entitled and like her mother.

I've now been told a few things about SDs mums mum. It seems to run in the family. She has also threatened me now. Crazy family.

I wish SD wouldn't follow the cycle but it's obvious she will. It's so sad.

@stepmumnamechange I'm so glad you are going to move away. It will be sad leaving your home, but that's the past now and you all deserve a better future. Home is where you lay your hat...

In respect of your DSD, this may sound harsh, but at a certain point you can't influence situations like this anymore and trying to only creates more trauma for all concerned. You're past that point all of you. The damage is so extensive and it will not change while your DSD is under her mother's care. The woman is pernicious. Your DSD will have to walk the very hard road of facing who she is and making her own choices. She has to decide who she wants to be. We all have the choice in the end That's on her, not your DP, not you.. Harsh yes, true yes.

Take time, heal, disconnect. Purge your life of her and her mother.

I'm crossing my fingers for a quick sale and new start for you all x x x❤

Is it feasible to
Move into rented somewhere else whilst you sell up?

I hope you all are coping well x

FFS, why is your partner not going for full custody of his child, when it’s clear she’s being massively damaged living with her mother? Instead, you’re encouraging him to abandon her by moving away when she needs him the most.
You need to leave because clearly you can’t live in the same house as this girl, and she should be the priority here.

I also think people need to remember this is a very disturbed 12 year old child we’re talking about, calling her a bitch is fucking disgusting.

Oh ok then, let's pander to the child. Cos that'll work 🙄

I'm sorry but actually no. Yes her DSD is disturbed and clearly is her mum.

But what do you suppose her DH does gets a giant net and captures her and locks her in the house.

He has two children, one very young child. Why is someone who acts in a abusive way, get to destroy op and take away a dad from a sibling because they said so.

Legally she's of age to be held account for her own actions.

This comment as a step child myself makes me feel a bit sick.

OK so OP doesn't deserve to be happy or have a decent life whereas this entitled little brat does at her expense? I take it you have never been in a senior school class full of 12 year old girls, and yes, they can be little bitches. Have you actually read the full post that this 'child' has been violent towards the OP and her children? Have you any idea what enabling behaviour is? Because right now, patting this 'child' on the head and saying 'there there, you're just misunderstood' is not going to resolve the problem - sometimes people (yes that includes kids) need to have a person back off before they realise that yes, they really are behaving like a twat.

I also take it that you're too young to remember Jamie Bulger? The kids that murdered him were 2 years younger, but let me guess, you know this girl personally and she's 'nothing like that' and I'm probably 'exaggerating'. And maybe his murderers were 'misunderstood' and just needed some fatherly love?

Pander or parent?

No, he fights for custody like a responsible parent. Would you leave your child with their dad if you thought their dad might be making them this fucked up? Would you move away and abandon your child to their fucked up father?

You’re disgusting. How fucking dare you compare her to a murderer? Sick.

@Naunet the problem is I know the courts and he can get a court order and say you live here now baring the fact the judge will bloody ask the teenager and a choice made on that.

And a teen that's acted like this is hardly going to go, yes I wanna live with my dad who insists on me acting like a decent human being opposed to my mum who actively encourages it.

It would be totally waste of time and money.

Sometimes to parent you have to parent and that doesn't mean letting them blackmail them into divorcing their spouse.

Christ I would be saying the same thing if op was a dad, and I would be saying if mum was being blackmailed.

I like how you side stepped the question over the youngest though

@Naunet if you don't understand that this teen has attacked the youngest child and op and the comparison to bundy case the connection (is slight)but relevant then maybe your the type to excuse the actions of the mum and the daughter which are actually red flags.

Which is exactly I imagine what the boys parents did too.

Can you imagine if DH caved and then said right you chose me or your other Dc ?

Would you encourage him to cut off his youngest to capitulate to what is a temper tantrum of a teen. No matter what the cost ?

Says someone who hasn't been through the Family Courts.

Also you are aware the child is 12?

As a PP pointed out the CAFCASS and then the judge will talk to the child. If the child is viewed as competent they can say they rather live with their mother.

In addition even if they are forced to live with their dad, most 12 year olds where I live in London are capable of getting on public transport and taking themselves to where ever they want. Some are even good at fare evasion especially on buses.

@Naunet

Your post has really upset me, i have tried for two years, since the difficult behaviour started. I have ALWAYS been there for SD, so has my DP.
I always put kids first, as that is the basics of being a parent.

SD did live with us for a while. We did what SHE wanted, we were perfectly happy for her to stay permanently. However she changed her mind.

You seem to be under the illusion that my DP is going to abandon her, not true at all, if you'd read the thread, you'll see we currently have SS and the police involved with this, we also have instructed a solicitor. At the moment, DP has been advised to cut contact, this was advise given by SS and the police.

With all due respect, you have no idea what this is like, you have no idea how much my DP loves his daughter, you have no idea what it's been like having to go through this, something is drastically wrong with SD and we are trying to get her help.

What else would you suggest?
If we bring her here kicking and screaming, she'll just run away, or her mum will come round being violent.

Go to the court and get custody? we have been advised, because of her age, she will get the deciding vote. And she will not leave her mum. However, we still have a solicitor in place to go through other options.

And you think I should leave? Leave my house that I've paid for, with my children, all because of this. What difference do you think that will make? Do you think SD and her mum will just stop? Do you think she will come running back into her dads arms? She won't.

We have contacted her therapist, I am willing to pay, however SD won't engage. Can we force a 12 year old? When her mum is behaving as she is?

I'm always open to suggestions, if you have any ideas that will work, do let me know.

OP don't let one nasty troll get to you. There's always one. Best to ignore.

Op please don't listen to the previous person. Clearly is looking to take a rise !

@hourbyhour101 @chocolateasaltyballs22