Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

Is DSD seeing a therapist? That should be the priority here.

It would also help immensely if her parents were on the same page although I appreciate that is beyond your control. I’d suggest your DP tells DSDs mum that he is happy to pay for a therapist and that he wants DSD to understand that love is not transactional or proved by material items, that he’d like to establish some ground rules and put boundaries in place so that DSD knows that the adults are in control and she can feel safe and secure. Then he could send the mum a list of his boundaries and house rules.

It’s up to her if she chooses to have similar but at least she knows what his are. Then he needs to be consistent and loving. If she won’t visit then send chatty messages to keep the connection, not begging to see her - she can’t cope with that level of power.

Good idea for you to stay out of the way, she needs one on one time with her dad. This will not be a quick fix, she is clearly having a tough time. Mum and dad should also seek their own professional support or group support from people going through similar and focus on their own well-being. Good luck with it all

@stepmumnamechange oh for the love of holy hell.

This is the worst thing I have read on here before and I have read some crackers.

I'm so so sorry op. I'm going to echo the others though you really cannot leave. Your DH is right she will come up with something else.

Legally speaking she knows that at her age these lies could destroy someone.

She's put a time limit on it to "force his hand" but ultimately if you give in what message are you sending this girl and what type of adult will she become if someone doesn't hold her to account.

If my child made up lies on this level and said no I'm not going to counselling I would be picking them up and putting them in the car and making them go.

She's clearly a very confused young girl.

But op I feel so sorry for you and I know your supporting everyone else but just want to ask who's supporting you ?

I feel for you OP! It was a bit easier in our case as DSD is now 22, she was 19/20 when the shit hit the fan. So we've been able to take it with pinch of salt that says "you're an adult, now learn about actions and consequences" I have a DSS as well, he's 18 and a total sweetheart. It means that DH lives separate lives, one here at weekends with DSS and another with DSD when she graces him with her presence.

She definitely gets FOMO a lot but refuses to speak about the events that got her to this and will never ever apologise. DSS has a number of friends in what was her old circle at ours and they were horrified with the way she treated
me, particularly because being child free myself I went the extra mile all the time for both of them and I'm very close with my nieces and nephews who are all the same age. (DSD went fully on the campaign trail to carry favour and it failed in a second)

It's definitely a situation you should Greg rock as much as you can and there's nothing you can do to fix that sort of attitude. On reflection the issue in our case is that DSD has always had a queen bee mentality, her mum alienated the kids from their dad and DSD grew up to be a master manipulator. On this occasion DH stuck firmly to his guns and she lost out and continues to do so. We wouldn't for one second allow her to think that threats get you results.

This is textbook. We also had "I'm your child for fucks sake but you behave like she's more important. You're genuinely blinded by her behaviour, I've been in your life longer than her and if you don't leave her you'll lose me forever". This was after DSD had picked up DH after years of no contact because he stepped in and tried to parent her when her mum let her go off the rails years earlier" my crime? Telling her to listen to her dad when we were planning Xmas when the 5 tiers kicked in with elderly relatives coming and she was posting on social media at house parties.

@Rainbowqueeen
Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately mum is loving the situation, calls DSD her best friend and treats her like it, it's not a mother/ daughter relationship at all. She's over the moon DSD is behaving like this towards DP.

DP spoke to her about 6 months ago, asking if they could both talk to DSD together to try and get her to continue therapy. And also to parent her together, as he thought with mum going through what we are, then they could get on the same page and sort her out.
Mum refused. She said she will not punish DSD and everything she said about her step dad has been forgiven and forgotten and that this is DPS problem.

Something is going in with DSD and I think your partner has to focus on her at least for a while until he stabilises the situation.

Did you move into his house? Would you and your children realistically have somewhere to go?

Blending can't work and since DSD is only 12 she needs her Dad. I fear that your relationship with partner will be in trouble if he is forced to choose you. There was a post about an adult daughter who is NC with Dad since teen years and the consensus was the Dad should have put the SM first.

If you did move could you both continue to see each other just not with the dc?

Gosh this is horrendous.

I really couldn’t deal with the stress.

I would end it and get out of there I’m afraid to say.

the child is going to be a constant source of stress that I just couldn’t see would be worth the hassle

false allegations of a sexual nature are abhorrent and she could make them towards anyone of you in that household next time!

Thank you ❤️

I'm reaching out here for support, as I have no where to turn. No family or anything else. I grew up without family and I've had to leave where I'm from due to DV.

I'm the same with my children, if they'd made up these lies,they would be punished and forced into therapy. She knows exactly what she's saying.
She accused her step dad of something sexual, she gave a day and a time, she really put a lot of information into It, to make it more believable. Her poor step dad was broken, he was at the other end of the country when the 'incident' took place.

She hasn't said sorry. Not once. To anyone.

I do feel like just packing my kids up and leaving, I don't want too, but I can't cope with it. It's so hard seeing my DP so upset, but it's devastating to have lies told about me too. She's making me out to be an evil person, just like my ex use to do. I can't live through that again

Step daughter sounds totally messed up . Tbh I don't think you should leave I think you and your DP should let her be and let the dust settle . I'm sure she'll row with her mum and be back to you . She sounds very manipulative and I'm not sure how her mum would react to her making allegations about her partner or even how he feels about it . I'd give her a very wide birth until she understands the seriousness of what she's done .

We both own the property we are in. Both put in equal money.

I would lose a lot by leaving. So would DP.

DP is struggling as he can't parent her, nor can he see her. He's offered to pick her up and go somewhere nice, go to her DGM, go out for tea, he's offered all sorts. Everything is no.

It's terrifying. She won't be able to make any more accusations about me, as she'll never be near me or my kids ever again. But apart from DP and myself, no one seems to take it seriously, how bad these accusations are.

It is so stressful and you're right, thats my worry, it's going to continue for years.

DPs mum is friends with stepdads mum, he was absolutely broken about the accusations she made about him. He had a nervous breakdown and nearly lost his job.

He's not happy now, but just seems to get on with it, he works away a lot. But I know he doesn't want to be near DSD alone, which is understandable.

Wow, this is horrendous for you. I agree that the SD shouldn't be allowed to call the shots. She sounds seriously messed up and her mother seems to be pandering to her. Your DP won't be doing any of you any favours if he gives in to this blackmail.

I hope it all works out for you.

I don’t think you should leave.
I think for now your dp needs to back off a little, be clear in writing that he loves DSD and will always be there for her, but that the lies and expectations of expensive gifts to bribe her to visit are not acceptable.

The mother is doing her daughter no favours at all, and I’m sure one day DSD will appreciate having a parent who has some normal boundaries, instead of being hell bent in encouraging really quite disturbing behaviour.

My goodness. I’m so sorry this is happening to you all, like a bloody car crash in the middle of all your lives.

I don’t really know what to say about DSD apart from she needs serious help. And also maybe you and your partner could go to counselling together to try to get through this and save your relationship? You say you love him - don’t give up on him and the two of you. Although I do understand how horrendously stressful it must be.

About DSS though - he will I’m sure be missing his dad horribly. Is your DH’s name on the birth certificate? If they were legally married at the time I thought that meant he always had legal responsibility for any children of the marriage? I think this has to be looked at again - this is not in the best interests of DSS to rip him away from the only dad he’s ever known, surely! I can’t believe a family court wouldn’t give him access??!!

I agree with all of this. Once my DH messaged DSD and said words to the effect of "I have no idea what will make you happy but I'm not going to turn the world on it's arse to try and find out, you need to work that out for yourself" the minute he stood firm and stopped calling her she had to do some cold hard thinking and our threats simmered down slowly.

If you leave her to sweat in her own juices it will make her work it out. But adults need to stand firm on being orchestrated by a child

Don't let her win. It's not going to her any psychological favours in the long term. Having a happy and stable Dad will help. I'd be tempted to get her Dad to say he's sorry about how's she's feeling. He loves her and he and you will be there for her when she is ready. Once those sort of words are said take a big step back and focus on your happiness with your DP. This isn't your fault OP. You've done the best with cards you've been dealt.

I've managed to find DP a therapist, who he will be seeing on Thursday, I think he needs to concentrate on himself and his emotions right now, I did say to DP I would like relationship therapy at some point.

Regarding DSS, they weren't married when he was born, they married a little after.

DSS mum is already applying to the court to have DPs name removed and the correct name added to the birth certificate. We are now getting a second opinion regarding DSS, I can't believe for one second that family court would take a dad away from his son. He may not be his biological child, but he's raised him. And I'm DPs eyes, it's changed nothing.

Op I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's horrendous. Your SD seems like a very unhappy child and has a lot of bad habits stemming I assume from her home life. Her mother isn't handling the situation well, and it's going to in the near future going to be disastrous in her life again, as she hasn't learned anything from how she treated her mother and step dad last time.

I wouldn't let her ruin your relationship. It's not easy but I would put a firm boundaries in place. SD is trying to be in control. This absolutely cannot happen. I agree you and your children at least for the coming years can't have a relationship with her. But you partner can. He needs to tell her every time that she lies that he loves her but that's not true and he won't act on lies. Every time she puts forward an ultimatum say I love you and I always want you in my life, there is a place for you and it will always be there and I don't need to destroy relationships with others to fit you in. You have a place always. Reassure her but keep the boundaries clear. Accept the reasonable reject the unreasonable.

She's not used to boundaries and she will kick off, but her threats will be empty and hollow, though ratched up in severity. It will take time, expect months even years but she will eventually cave. Keep reassuring her she is always welcome always loved and will always be missed. When anything unreasonable is said reject, refuse be firm.

This is what your husband needs to do, you for your own sanity need to step back. Thinking of you x

DP has asked me for help with what to write back to DSD. She's sent another nasty message, but DP hasn't replied yet. He's at a loss of what to say.

He is so angry and upset. As we have found out now that DGM has received the same messages from DSD, basically the same thing, if she doesn't cut me off then DSD wants nothing to do with her.

It feels like a ticking time bomb, I have CPTSD and I can't articulate very well the feeling I have, I feel like something big is coming and I'm so on edge. Anytime someone knocks at the door I start panicking.

Imo walk away. Your dc are also involved in this drama. They don't deserve you stressed about a situation nothing to do with you...
Dsd needs therapy. She won't ever get it with a dm like that.
Her df won't be able to parent her with a dm like that.
He needs to consider his own mh in this also. And ime a court rates sibling relationships very very highly indeed. Ime he has been ill advised he won't get contact with dss his or not.

Right. The facts of this situation are as following:

• DSD is emotionally unstable. Making false allegations is really serious. That sort of instability at 12 could indicate bigger problems in the longer term.

• It must have devastated DSD's Mum and scared her step father half to death to be under suspicion like that. It is much easier to blame you and dp for 'encouraging' her, by allowing DSD to stay at yours as soon as soon as she made allegations.

DSD's Mum doesn't trust either of you and is throwing everything she has behind her dd's attempts to blame you because it's easier for her to stay on dd's 'good side'.

I think your dp should tell dsd that he loves her, is here for her whenever she needs him, but he will not be allowing her to destroy his life in the way she nearly destroyed the lives of her Mother and Step Father.

@stepmumnamechange I think mumsnet a weird place where people feel that sp's need to apologise for existing and mum/or dad need to prove they will put DSC wants and needs first, at all costs to anyone else.
I understand needs but wants is different. This child clearly doesn't want her mum and sd together (that didn't work) so she's trying same tactic with you and dad

Some people also tell their children this and the children act accordingly and grow into adults thinking they have the right to say who their parent dates or doesn't.

Back in the real world most people will acknowledge you don't capitulate to emotional blackmail because it rarely ends and rarely ends well.
Even from the perspective of DSC you shouldn't enable this as it's to much power to give a child.

I personally think you have done the right thing stepping back. I'm a step kid and I would never have acted like this. It's not a step thing so much as a child that's mentally not very well, and has been shown no consequences for her actions.

If I was mums partner I would have run a fucking mile and I certainly wouldn't be with mum if she just brushed it under the carpet.

How has no one sat her down and gone - that's absolutely not ok.

Personal advice, get comfy for being described as the evil sm and let it wash over. I wouldn't it your self i financial ruin for what effectively is a temper tantrum by a confused young girl.

Dolly gave some good advice, ignore people who say you should leave because a 12 year old says so

@Littlepaws18 Thank you for that ❤️

Unfortunately, due to all of this, I will never feel safe with her again. I do not want any form of contact with her ever again, I need to protect my children.

I will show DP your message, as I think the message replies are really good, I really appreciate it. Thank you.

@stepmumnamechange what's the text she's sent ? Then we can try and help with wording xxx