Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

@stepmumnamechange people who are this level of unkind are not worth your time or attention.

Tbh I thought maybe DSD mum might have found the thread and started commenting.

If that's a risk you can ask mn to take the post down. I'm well aware that abusers can and do haunt their victims. So do whatever you need to to feel safe.

Regardless of what you do, if ever you need a vent the support chat on the board is bouncing around.

The situation sounds bloody horrific and anyone with a sensible brain wouldn't think badly of you or your DH and the actions you have had to take.

You are strong, you can do this- don't let the barstards get you down xxx

Thank you so much for your support.

I will not be taking the thread down, it's been my therapy, I've been coming onto it multiple times a day, I just re read comments and I can't tell you how much it's helping me.

I have no support system in place, writing it all down and having people listen has been such a great help. I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, then I come on here and everything just gets a little lighter.

I can't possibly put into words how much everyone's comments mean to me. I couldn't have ever imagined how much it would help.

Mumsnet is an amazing place, full of amazing supportive people. And I'm so grateful.

Sorry if this reply is all jumbled 😂 I'm feel very emotional today.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone. ❤️

Teens vary so much in their behaviour and emotional regulation due to all sort of weird brain shit going on at this age, their executive function and rationality goes out the window.

It's tragic when they don't have secure stable parenting to weather the storm, give them boundaries and keep them and those around safe during it.

It's heart breaking your DSD is in this state but that isn't down to you and DH.

The only DC that I know made false CSA allegations was eventually diagnosed with ASD with a PDA profile. She came across as very immature yet acted in other ways like a 16/17 year old and was violent to her Mum make all sort of threats. Not a good outcome for her sadly ending up in a residential unit.

I hope you can get a fresh start elsewhere as you understandable very traumatised due to this and past events.

OP please don't be disheartened by one person's ignorance. It's not a simple case of fighting for custody and turning your SD around. It's so much more complex than that. Her behaviour stems from the environment she had lived in for so long, to change this behaviour without her wanting too is just going to be like dragging a boulder up a cliff face. And at what cost?! So far trying to support her make sound decisions has put your children, your husband, you, step father all in positions where allegations have been falsely made, threats of violence and harm. And if that's not enough, you have also a difficult part with you ex which you and your children will takes years to get over. And if that's not enough, your husband is grieving the loss of a son!

Im not blaming the SD, she's a victim of her upbringing and is making choices based on disturbing role models. This is not your responsibility and although it is your husband's, he has repeatedly tried to keep his daughter safe and each time the repercussions have stepped up in severity. This isn't a situation that is going to heal anytime soon, but there is hope for all of you, don't ever lose sight of that. You now have sn opportunity to start afresh, build a life in a new place make memories and find home and good times with the family.

As for your SD you have started the ball rolling for her by involving the police. Hopefully social workers will intervene again, the early intervention team are excellent. My husband and I had difficulties with my SS, his mother being a huge part of his behaviour being in decline. The early intervention team worked with all family members, it was completely child centred and they homed in on exactly what was wrong and intervened in a very productive way. As a result he is in a much better place, has a healthier mindset and value system. His mum had the support she needed to facilitate this and his dad too.

In time your husband maybe able to reestablish a relationship with his daughter, but it can be in a controlled way (ie on neutral grounds). And you and your children don't need to be apart of that.

Remember how far you have come, remember the impossible challenges in life you have already survived, you can do it again. And as for your SD she is now in a position where the right professional people can help her, she can come back from this but as with everything it takes time. Thinking of you x

I really hope that's not how SD ends up.

I keep my fingers crossed that realisation hits and she accepts the help. I want nothing more than for her to be helped. If she continues, I'm worried for her future.

I'm not disheartened by what @Naunet said, I just found it shocking.

I am really hoping she engages in the help, SS is involved and are keeping us updated, they are currently seeing her in school rather than in her home environment. She's not engaging at all though. I'm not entirely sure what the next steps will be if she continues the way she is. No one can force her to engage, she's apparently posting some troubling videos to tiktok.

It's difficult as DP has been told not to contact her, he's struggling because he can't parent or help her.

We have a meeting with SS on Wednesday, I'm hoping DPs mind can be put at rest, he thinks if she refuses to engage in help, that she'll just be left to do as she pleases.

I've taken myself completely out of it, I'm here if DP needs me, but I'm now focusing all my efforts on my DC, Christmas is a tough time for my eldest due to some horrible memories, so he needs me more right now.

I can't thank you enough for your lovely message. I'm so grateful for all the support

@stepmumnamechange dare I ask what she's posting on tiktock ? I fucking hate that platform I really do

Tbh for anyone to post was was posted after reading your posts makes me despair for the human race. I know mn isn't always known for its kindness but this thread baring that post, even pp who I have considered to be fairly tough on sp in general have supported what the majority of people have been saying and been kind.

How is your son doing ? Have you got any support in place to support others ?

I'm just so bloody sorry love I really am xxx

Up to now, I've been told about 3 recordings, it was actually a school mum that told me.

One was removed for violence, it was a video saying what she wanted to do to me.

One is impersonating me, just being nasty as I have a speech impediment.

At the last one is her ripping pictures of me and my kids.

DP banned her from tiktok when she was here, as she posted a tiktok in her bra. Her mum at that point agreed with the ban. But she's obviously okay with her being back on it.

I'm not too bothered to be honest, my kids aren't on it and neither am I, so it doesn't directly affect me. They've all been reported and SS have been made aware.

@hourbyhour101

Sorry I forgot to add, my son is doing okay, he has a fantastic therapist. Every year is the same around this time, I've got lots planned with the kids to take his mind off it all.

My kids in general have been brilliant. I have spoken to my son about what is going on, as we've had a the police here a few times. (Police trigger him)

He's glad she's gone, which upset me a little. As I didn't realise she effected him so much.

Christ, what a read that was. You've really been through hell.

I was a very unpleasant child and completely off the rails, infact I could see my 13-14 year old self in your posts about DSD which is both sad and embarrassing.

What sorted me out? A few months in a secure unit (prison for kids) unfortunately. It was the short sharp shock that I needed and knocked me down a peg or two. I was that adamant I would never go back I turned my life around immediately.

Your DSD is probably a long way off from something like that happening if the threats against you was the first time she's had any involvement by the police but if she carries on the way she is then it's inevitable.

I wish you the best.

Oh OP you poor thing.

Initially reading your posts it sounded like my situation - a SD who will go to any lengths to be in control - but yours just didn't stop.

Sadly my DP is no longer in touch with his daughter as he stopped giving in to the demands. Like you, I stepped away and focused on my own child but wish SD the best.

I really hope things improve for you.

The tiktok stuff is vile. I think something similar may have gone on here - I was completely bald from cancer treatment and had gained an enormous amount of weight and I caught the other daughter covertly filming me. I was too heartsick to even tackle it.

Do whatever you need to draw boundaries around yourself and your children. I don't think you should leave the relationship. You're entitled to happiness too.

I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're better now?

Does SD still contact her dad even with NC?

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through similar.

I really hope SD doesn't end up in prison

I'm so glad you've managed to sort yourself out, it must have been really difficult, you should be very proud of yourself

@stepmumnamechange how you doing lovely ?

Glad to hear your sons got a outlet ?

Had the situation simmered down !

Happy new year everyone.

Thought I'd come on and give a run down of the latest events.

Everything went quiet after we found out about the tiktok videos, we informed the social worker and also the police.

However, I had this horrible feeling I couldn't shake, I just knew something was going to happen around Christmas. It sent my mental health spiralling, unfortunately I was correct.
Christmas morning DP woke to lots of missed calls from an unknown number, we just tried enjoying the morning with the kids, as we were going to BIL for Christmas dinner.
Whilst we were at BIL, SD called BIL, he left the room and answered, thinking she just wanted to say thanks for her Christmas money. That was not the case, BIL ended the call telling her to never contact him again. I have no idea what was said and I don't want too. But BIL is the quietest loveliest man, for him to react it must have been bad.

Anyway, we set off home quite late, arrive to find our front room window had been smashed. I was terrified that we had been broken into. We weren't. It was SD, we checked the security camera and her lovely mum was with her too.
Obviously we had to call the police once more.

I'm currently packing up the house, I've spent the last few days securing somewhere to go, we've found an air b&b we can stay in for 3 months, should tide us over whilst we find a permanent home.

This year has been truly awful. My children are terrified to come to the house, they've been at MIL whist we've been packing, none of us have slept in the house since.

I have always tried to give SD the benefit of the doubt, tried to never feel anger towards her as she's a child. That's not the case anymore, what she has done, not just to me and DP, but my children, it's unforgivable. It's evil.

Thankfully, she'll no longer be able to get to myself or my kids, ever again. I'll support DP in whatever he wants to do. But I'm done.

DP is obviously heart broken, he's a shadow of his former self.

New year and new start hopefully. Praying for a better year!

I'm so sorry to hear your update @stepmumnamechange . Wishing you a change in fortune for 2023

Hopefully the police throw the book at them. Dsd is old enough to face the consequences of her actions.
Glad you and dh have each other op. Hopefully your dc will feel safe at the temporary accommodation..

I’m so sorry.

This is my hope too. She's had enough chances and enough forgiveness. It's done her no good at all. She isn't going to change or learn unless she gets punished.

What a cow, both her and her darling mother. And I've never said that before about a child.

How could her mother take her there to do that ? Ffs ! They are both bloody mad.

I'm so so sorry. That's just dreadful. I hope they through the book at her mother too.
I'm so sorry about your home and how you have had to leave so suddenly.
I wish I had adequate words of advice or support but this is beyond crazy. I'm so sorry. Please take care and be kind to yourselves. None of you caused this. Keep reminding yourself of that and focus on your children.