Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

We will not being going through court for this, DP doesn't see the point, all the lies would just be dragged up again.

DP is spending today printing all texts and emails he's received from both of them, he's going to put them together in a file. He's also taking the threatening ones to the police station.

He's desperate for the police to take this seriously, he's so concerned if this behaviour is ignored, with no consequences, she will be extremely dangerous when she's older.

She's his daughter and he only wants the best for her, getting her help is all he can do right now.

I've just read through this.
You need therapy too, I know dp will start but this is awful and you need a safe place to sort your emotions.

I'd start the process for (can't remember the name) where dsd and ex are banned from your address. Non mol??

I'd also look to move. Even if you're renting, and renting out your place. You and your children deserve peace.

I'd also stop involving gm in all this. I'd block dsd on her phone, and stop arranging visitation at her house. It's not fair on her either.

Sorry the last few messages didn't show

That's okay, I know there's a lot of messages to go through.

We never wanted DGM involved, but she was desperate to see her GD, she was organising to see her, but SD was demanding that DP go too.

We are definitely moving asap.

I definitely will be going back to therapy, the whole situation has definitely triggered my CPTSD.

It's horrible all round, DGM is actually relived she doesn't have to see GD anymore, she's so upset she feels that way, but she can't cope with the person she's become.

We are all still so worried about her and the person she is becoming, but all we can do is hope she accepts help.

I agree there’s no point getting a court order because all it will do is say DD needs to be made available for contact but at 12yo she can’t be forced to go if she herself is refusing to.

I do think your DP is doing the right thing in stepping back for a bit because forcing the issue will not move the situation any further forward, probably backwards if anything.

Best wishes for a positive outcome eventually

Sorry for late reply. Yes she still comes. It's been nowhere near to the level of your issues, but she comes now, but refuses to stay more than one night (saturday). Of course this means hubby wants to see her on the Friday (which he's supposed to as he's got a court order in place - his request), but it means 2 x 45 mins journeys Friday to see her, same Saturday to pick her up, same sunday to drop her off. Mum wouldn't dream of meeting half way. I've been a single mum myself and always shared everything as much as poss with my DS's dad (now adult child, the son not the dad ha ha). I have no time for her and it shows, she's just entitled and lazy and spoiled. Same as you, she demands new phones/tech etc, not in exchange for seeing us, but it's like she would refuse to come unless she had treats etc or some incentive for her. Her incentive should just be to see her dad and nothing else! Can't abide the little madam right now...my mascara walked somewhere after her latest visit yet DH will not hear of her having took it. Cause the only kids with problems are anyone but her, and if there is an issue, there's always an excuse.

@wickedstepmothfker
That's sounds really difficult, I'm sorry you are going through it too.

I'm sorry your DH is not more supportive, it's so important for children to have boundaries but also punishment for wrongdoings. Not excuses, I dread to think what my SD will be like as an adult, I'm sure you worry too.

Thank you

We just refuse put ourselves into a situation where these lies can be dragged up again. As hard as it is, it is for the best.

I'm now feeling for the girls grandmother too. How incredibly sad for her, as well.

If the step dad had any sense at all, he should get out. I'm stunned that he's still there.

Seriously the following you around and ramming into you is harrassment. you might also need to record stuff and report it to the police. Both of them need to know actions have consequences. no wonder SD is acting like this if Mum is behaving like it

@saraclara I feel awful for her too, she went from having 2 grandchildren who she doted on, and now not seeing either. DSS mum won't allow it as she's not 'family'

@wickedstepmothfker
Police are now involved due to the threats getting worse, I did talk about the harassment I receive from mum too.

I do r think you should leave. Your SD needs urgent help. Can her mum and your DP work together to get her it?
It must surely be awkward at her mums house if she has falsely accused her step father of sexual abuse?

If you leave she will find something else to use against your DP unless she gets some help. So it would be pointless to ruin your lives like that.

Why in the name of holy mother of fuck has the police not been called? At the very least she will have a wake up call that at 12 she cannot give out VIOLENT threats? Remember Jamie Bulger's killers were children..but of course no one's kid is that bad right?

If you have proof of her threats, get the police involved

My situation is nowhere near to yours, reading your issues and the messages made me want to cry. I have no idea what goes on in DH's head - he has 4 kids (3 to one person, the youngest to another), and we have 8 grandkids between us, yet for some reason his youngest child is prioritised above everyone else (even the younger grandkids).

There is always an excuse - he reckons she was regularly 'seeing abuse' (she wasn't). The problem is he used to be in the police, and now works in the social care industry he's the 'expert' on troubled kids and I'm not. I've been a single mum, and yet despite him being a weekend dad for all his kids (and not seeing his older ones for a few years) since his eldest was about 12, he apparently knows better how to bring a kid up than me (full time single mum).

@warofthemonstertrucks

I told DP I wouldn't be leaving, but only if we can move out if this town. He has agreed and completely understands my reasons. So we are moving asap.

@wickedstepmothfker

The police were called last night. I hope it may shock her into seeing how wrong it is, but deep down I know it won't make a difference

I think that's the right call.

Sorry you have had to go through this. We have a crazy situation with dh's ex wife and that's stressful enough but it's nowhere near as bad as this. Your DP must be in bits and I know how awful that is to witness as well as the effect it must be having on you. Look after each other and try to detach if you can. For now at least.

Tbh I'm glad she didn't meet with her dad and DGM. She only had bad intentions. This child is trouble...Good job you called the police.

The threats ramped up because he didn't agree to leave you. The girl is a whole other level of crazy and her mum is just as bad.

She said stepdad will adopt her to try and upset her dad. After the allegations, he'd be a fool to do that. I bet he hasn't even heard of this adoption idea.

This child will continue with this...her mum will probably get fed up of her on the end and she'll continue seeking attention and end up in a string of crap and /or abusive relationships, because of her issues....craving attention.

She's a living nightmare.

She said stepdad will adopt her to try and upset her dad. After the allegations, he'd be a fool to do that. I bet he hasn't even heard of this adoption idea.

Her dad would also have to agree to give her up.

So another reason it won't be happening.

I would appreciate any advice here.
Please forgive me with the lack of abbreviations, I’m totally new to this.
My husbands teenage children, my step children, live with their mum. We have shared care over Christmas time and throughout the year.
I have children from a previous relationship, youngest being 7, the rest are teenagers. Their dad is absent and has been for 4 years.
We are and always have been very equal when it comes to all children. My issue is when it comes to Christmas gifts. We buy all of them gifts that amount to the same value, but then the step children go home to mum and get very spoilt, having been spent lots and lots on them. My children don’t get extra, as their dad is absent.
I feel this is really unfair as all the children get along really well and the step children speak about what they’ve also got of their mum.
I am really trying to bring my children up fairly and treat them all the same under my roof, I just feel really bad that mine don’t have a second parent to receive extra from and they really notice this. It reminds them that their dad has left them.
When I say spoilt of their mum, I’m talking over £1k each.
I wish I didn’t feel like this, I’m trying really hard to just ignore it. It’s a competition I’m not willing to participate in, I just feel bad for my youngest.

I'm really sorry about your children not seeing their Dad - that must be so hard for them (and you!)

Unfortunately, you can't tell a mother what they can and can't spend on their children - your children's situation is not her problem or her business and she's entitled to buy what she sees fit.

I totally understand how this must be hard for your kids to see, but it's a bit of a difficult situation whereby you just can't go asking her to hold back because it's not fair on your children.

I'm sure your children understand the situation more than you realise - I'll be honest I don't really have a good solution, either - I know some mums on here will, though - the advice you find on mumsnet is often fantastic.

Thank you for your message. I don’t want to ever tell their mum what and how to do it.
I did have a solution that maybe my children get slightly more spent on them, especially the youngest, as it is still magical for her, I do receive child benefit for her, I tried to use that angle, but my husband, and very understandably, said no it wouldn’t be fair. I understood this and agreed.
Suppose I just have to suck it up

Bear in mind too that we pay child maintenance every month too, to their mum, my children don’t get anything in terms of maintenance

Again, that's not her fault, child maintenance is what your husband should be paying for his kids well, maintenance.

I'm not 100% sure that I agree with it not being fair - just as she is their mother, you are theirs, if you see what I mean x