Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

I'm so sorry for you both @stepmumnamechange

Very, very unusually for me, I couldn't sleep for a bit last night because I was thinking of this thread.

This sounds really obvious, but 12yrs old is still very young. I wonder if at the bottom of all this, she wishes her parents were still a couple?
Might explain why she's targeting you and step dad?
I stand by what I said upthread.... at the bottom of this is a very unhappy little girl.
I'm not excusing or justifying her or minimising her behaviour at all.

Also, re your update, pps were right. They said if your DH didn't give into her blackmail that wouldn't be the end of the story, and this is already proving to be the case.

And, p.s.
It all sounds like a power struggle

*i recognize the emotional blackmail & triangulation in your descriptions. I respond very firmly when she is acting that way. I remind her I am here for her and love her but that I will not accept her behaviour. My loving her does not entitle her to speak to me however she wants or to be hurtful. When she is ready to engage without behaving this way, I will drop everything.

I take a ''take it or leave it'' stance with her (which kills me to do and leaves me feeling extreme guilt afterwards) BUT it takes the power struggle out of the equation. I AM THE PARENT and she needs to know it*

This is good advice.

Personally, whilst the list of questions need addressing at some point, I'd be inclined to listen first.
Having a boundary and maintaining it has brought DSD round from never speaking to him again to asking for a meeting.
Keep calm, don't respond to ultimatums and listen carefully.

OP this last message from her is very positive - well done to you and your DP in this terrible situation. A friend of mine had something similar but even worse (I know it is hard to see how this could be worse!) and it was an awful situation for her so I really to empathise with you. My only suggestion is that your DP perhaps doesn't try and do everything in one conversation, but focuses on the fact that he loves her, and reinforcing acceptable boundaries. It may be too much for her to go into everything in one go, and it sounds like the details might be better in therapy. Beware that she may choose this conversation to play out the drama with your DP and his mother e.g. once she has them in the same room, trying to get back control etc with ultimatums. I really hope it goes as well as it can, and is the start of trying to rebuild their relationship.

@Rogue1001MNer I'm so sorry it's kept you awake.

Just to clarify some points.

DSD doesn't want her mum and dad together, in her words, she loves that they aren't together, as she gets more presents at Christmas and birthdays.

They've been apart since she was 6 months old, so it's her normal if that makes sense.

My DP wants to call SS again, he's going to wait until after they've spoken. We are trying every way possible to get her help.

We are desperate for this to stop, we need to be able to focus on DSS too, but with this going on, it's becoming difficult, as she's messaging DSS very nasty messages too. Because of this it's making things worse with DSS mum, because she blames DP as it's his daughter. It's all just a huge mess.

In regards to questions about my children, when she moved in, we told them she just wanted to have some time with us, like she has had with her mum.
She was quite nasty to my DD, so she was never left alone with any of my children. At no point at all.

One of the days her mum came round screaming, I grabbed them and ran out of the back gate. I then sat them down and explained that DSD mum was a bit upset as DSD didn't want to live with her at the moment. But that it wasn't okay to do what she did, I asked them if they were okay to go back to the house, once I knew that she'd gone and they said yes.

With all the other stuff with her, my children have been kept completely out of it, if her mum started messaging threats, we would all go out. Just incase she came round.

The only thing that has upset them, is not being able to see DSS.

My children will always come first, if it becomes apparent that they are aware or getting upset over DSDs actions, we will be leaving straight away. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I wouldn't keep my kids here, they've been through so much with their dad, I would never ever let anything hurt them again.

I hate to suggest this, but perhaps recommend to DP to have his phone recording / videoing at all times.

She’s made a false allegation once already. Her attempts at emotional blackmail have failed, so I’d be wary of any escalation etc.

His mum will be there as a witness, otherwise he definitely would.

DSD may not know why she told those lies about her SD.

I would approach it more "you are clearly hurting very much to tell that lie even if it just got out of hand/you didn't think it through. What was going on then that you either wanted to hurt your Mum, or stay with me or that was just making you feel so awful"

The thing I worry about, if he asks her questions like that, it opens it up for her to tell more lies.
She can come up with a lie so quickly and as you've seen, they are very dangerous.

Asking her why she told the lie, or what her mum did etc, she'll just fire back with some dangerous excuse.

It's such a shitty situation, so bloody fed up!

I could have wrote a lot of this about my SS unfortunately. He's a few years older but has been behaving like this for several years now. He told DH that if he ever wanted a relationship with him he would have to leave me. DH declined and hasn't seen him for a while now. I did the same as you in that I was convinced we needed to separate but we have a house and children of our own together so it's not just SS who's feelings are important. It also would have sent a terrible message to a child that he gets to call the shots on adults relationships like that. He continues to be abusive everytime DH tries to contact him but he's been told he knows where DH is if he changes his mind and it's been left at that. It's had a massive affect on DH but ultimately SS made his choice and we can only hope he changes his mind as he matures. I say we, but I mean for DH's sake. I will never have anything to do with the child again and he will never be welcome in our home or near our children again for the same reasons that you mentioned. Our shared children are still fairly young and don't know who he is. That is unlikely to change.

I see some of your more recent updates have sounded more promising so I hope it all works out for the best when your DH sees her. Sounds like you're in for a bumpy ride though so I wish you all the best!

@RandomMess i think recording the conversation (with SDs knowledge) would probably be a good idea even with a witness. Your DP's mother could be accused of not being independent.
If SD knows she is being recorded she might also be less likely to make more lies up as she will know they are on record and can be disproved.

Apologies, thought you said she’d be out.

Such a horrible situation, I hope it is reaching its end for you.

She was going to go out, as per DPs request, but I said it's probably better to have her there as a witness.

I will definitely get him to record it too, as per your advice. It's just added protection.

DP is back from the doctors, he's been put on medication, he's not happy about taking it, but I've pleaded with him too, he can't cope as it is and it's only going to get worse.

I think after the chat tomorrow, I will take a long hard think about what I need to do, especially in regards to my children too. If she's going to continue, or it's going to get worse, then I think we'll have no other option than to separate. I can't spend anymore time like this, it's been nearly a year and it's really getting on top of me. It's having a massive impact on my mental health too. But I will see what happens tomorrow.

OP...I'm a bit concerned about this sudden turnaround with DSD. She didn't get the response she wanted to the goodbye forever and now wants to meet with her dad and grandma.

I hope she doesn't plan on an attack of some sort. I personally would meet in a public place. He can pay for a taxi to get her to the restaurant and of I'm being honest, he shouldn't take his mum.

I can't shake the feeling that she just ways to unleash at least a verbal attack on both of them. His mum definitely shouldn't have to deal with that.

I'd say make it a restaurant like Harvester and he needs to keep a close watch on her.

This is my opinion too.

I mentioned earlier in the thread, I have this feeling that something bad is going to happen, I thought it may have just been my CPTSD going haywire.

I don't want to get involved in it all, as I said it's between my DP and SD, he wants to do it this way and he wants his mum wants to be there to say her bit. He's agreed to record it all for protection, but I can't ask him to go to a restaurant.

Even if they did go to a restaurant, she'd have no problem with kicking off there, she does like an audience.

I don’t think your DP should ask any “why did you do…?” questions just yet because all it will do is make her clam up/get defensive/lie. His DD currently has a very prescriptive view of what her dad can do to “prove” he loves her so for him to not only refuse to do that but also ask her to justify her actions will I think reinforce her misguided belief that no one cares what she wants.

It’s fine for your DP to offer to sort therapy and to set boundaries such as “I won’t be separating from stepmumnamechange because I can love her without loving you less” etc but save the questioning for when she’s had a chance to breathe and step back from the drama she’s creating.

Op I salute you for putting your dc first but if the relationship with your dp is an otherwise good one it seems horribly unfair that you're thinking of ending it just because of one spiteful brat. If your dp is struggling now he will struggle a lot more without you surely? And it sends the message to her dsd that the worse she behaves the more likely she is to get her own way. I really feel a united front is the way here. Don't ruin all of our lives because of the actions of a kid acting up.

Your lives*

Would having someone else there help? Someone independent of the situation. Like her therapist or a family friend she respects?

Good advice Thankyou. DP have written down some notes.

My DP is incredible. But we live in a small town, there's always a risk of bumping into her and her mum, they like to cause drama, they think nothing of screaming at me.

I went out food shopping a couple of months ago, they followed me around ramming into my trolley with theirs.

The insults are truly hard to take, I do believe if I hadn't been through such an abusive relationship, I'd be able to handle this. But currently, it feels like I'm back in an abusive relationship. I'm constantly on edge, it's a horrible feeling.

I want to be with my DP, I love him so much. But if it carries on as bad as it is, then it will be a choice of staying with him and losing and damaging myself, or leaving and getting away from it all, but losing mg DP. It's a horrible choice to have to make.

I just wish it would stop. I'm really not the person she makes me out to be which makes it so hard to hear.

She doesn't respect anyone at all.

DP has an auntie who DSD was close too, really respected her. Around 4-5 months ago, both met up with DSD for a chat, it was horrendous. She was so rude and nasty to DPs auntie and she hadn't even said anything. She's now burnt her bridges with her.

@stepmumnamechange I really do feel for you, my DH and I went through a challenging time with my DSC when they were 12, nothing like your DSD is doing but the abuse/hostility was enough for me to decide to move out of our home for a couple of years (DSC hadn’t asked that I move out or I wouldn’t have done it). Things started getting better when DH’s response became much less “pleeease like me again” to “I love you and will be here for you whenever you’re ready but I’m not going to engage with these abusive messages any longer.” DSC’s a lovely adult now btw.

You might find the book “Say Goodbye to Crazy” helpful, it’s more geared around dealing with hostile exes but there is some very useful information on how to cope with/detach from other people’s behaviours that you can’t really influence or control.

Even if they did go to a restaurant, she'd have no problem with kicking off there, she does like an audience

True...But there would be independent witnesses to it.

Next thing she'll be making the same allegations against her dad as she did her stepdad. I mean she also implicated her mum, so why wouldn't she. She could well accuse her Grandma as well and even if it's later found out to be untrue...there's still so much stress through it all.

You said stepdad had a breakdown...I hope the same doesn't happen to your DP.. this child has serious problems and her dad not leaving you has annoyed her. She'll be working on revenge.