Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

@stepmumnamechange I think then in that case it's a case of you didn't break it, so you can't fix it. Mum doesn't want to fix it and dad can't. It's the very worst part of sp imo. Other peoples parenting fuck ups do you rarely get a front row seat to watch it all play out and then get blamed for the damage to boot.

Children if they aren't called up on lying escalate trying to find the boundary. Unlike others I don't think you are calling your dsd evil, I think your response quite measured actually.

However as much as I know you want to you can't fix this. Victims of bad things do sometimes turn into perpetrators unless the cycle is broken.

I'm sorry your dealing with this. And if things get worse or you need to vent (the support thread is always bouncing around the board) and usually has some very sensible head on it.

The hard bit is now which is DH holding to his guns. Please be kind to yourself op. Xx

Thank you so much for all your messages, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It's been so lovely just to be able to get it off my chest. But I've also taken away great advice, thank you for being so kind.
I was actually worried about posting, as I know sometimes step mums are jumped on.

Thank you again

Thank you to all who've offered advice. Truly means a lot ❤️

This

How old is DSS? And how is he coping with being told that his dad isn't his dad and he can't see him any more? And how is your DP with that?

I get that the whole situation with DSD is scary and unpredictable and I don't blame you for focusing on that for this thread. But it seems like this boy is a forgotten victim.

Children if they aren't called up on lying escalate trying to find the boundary. Unlike others I don't think you are calling your dsd evil, I think your response quite measured actually.

I agree. Some posters have been harsh on a small child. OP has been measured and reasonable. Very hard in the circumstances!

I would agree with disclosing it to the safeguarding lead at school. She could have a personality disorder. Your DP needs to get advice from professionals - which school can access if they know there are SEMH concerns. It also means if she is acting out at school they know the context. I’d also be concerned about her acting older than her years and a target for abuse or exploitation. She would be easy prey for someone to groom her. I have a child with disability /sen and knowing when you need outside help and are out of your depth is a sign of a good and caring parent and your dp shouldn’t feel bad he can’t fix this it sounds like it is going to take a lot of unpicking by professionals to understand what the underlying issues are here. If she won’t let him in her life then she needs adults at school to be keeping a close eye on her.

I don't have advice, but I've read this in horror.

I'm so sorry.

I agree with the "I love you and I'll always be here for you" approach from her dad
I think you're right to have stepped back.

And I think that the awful and extreme behaviour by the DSD is pointing to a damaged, scared, angry little girl.
And despite how horrendously she has behaved and is continuing to do, I feel sorry for her and think she needs help.

This is an absolutely horrific situation, and I'm so sorry

My only opinion @stepmumnamechange is that a 12 year old should not get to call the shots in your relationship. She has already shown herself capable of lying or at least creating immense drama. I don’t know how old your own kids are but having raised two girls, 12 is definitely the drama age generally. She is trying out her own power and as heartbreaking as it is her dad can’t raise to the bait. Unfortunately she could carry on like this for years, but if you both stay calm with solid boundaries she will eventually recognize that you are a safe place.

I can understand how you don’t want to see her again. It sounds like you all need some space and time for the dust to settle. When my eldest turned 12 she was furiously angry with me for a year and I could do nothing right. I really thought her teenager years were going to be hell. But then she suddenly just calmed down again! It was weird but I put it down to hormones!

Parents aren’t supposed to be friends to our kids, we are there to keep kids safe and help them mature and able to be independent. Behaving like the adults you are is your best response. I have always stayed out of family drama on my husband’s side because there are a few women in particular that love to stir the pot and always “aren’t talking” to someone. I just don’t engage.

Don’t let your healthy relationship with your DP be affected or dictated to by a teen girl. It’s not ultimately what she wants (although she thinks she does). It would be terrifying and depressing for her if her dad was weak enough to cave to her tantrum throwing.

I would just step back and wait for her to come to you. He should tell her he is always here for her but not while she is behaving like this. She needs to know it’s unacceptable.

DSS is definitely not forgotten, he has actually been the main focus. I just needed advice on this problem, as we are already dealing with DSS situation. We are seeking legal help. But the issues with DSD are ones I needed help with.

Your SD is obviously a very damaged child & her mum is doing her a huge disservice.

That said, a 12 y.o. can be allowed to emotionally blackmail her DF in that manner.
I thik he needs to take a huge step back for the greater good & realise that there is no quick fix. Continue to text regularly something along the lines of...."I love you & would love to see you. Always here for you & would love to spend time with you when you are ready to do so"

Zero mention of her behaviour or of you or anything else. Just the same theme ever time, loves her, misses her & would love to see her again when she is ready.

He shouldn't get drawn into anything else. It must be breaking his heart but he needs to deesclate it as it's his little girl's only chance. Feeding her anger or jumping to her demands will only do more damage in the long run.

I think your Dp should apply to the court to see his daughter and both of you take a step back whilst the process happens.

The DSD and her Mum sound like they are loving the drama.
Begging is getting you nowhere.
Keep your integrity. Take a step back and be there for this poor child when her mum gets bored of the silence.

We have spoken to school, we have kept them updated throughout.

To be honest I would seriously consider leaving your DP. He could be the nicest guy on earth but he has two seriously dramatic ex ‘situations’ and two quite highly volatile family issues, and two damaged kids. This will not improve overnight and these will be issues forever.

I think it’s just too much if you have your own kids, maybe manageable just if you didn’t. But I honestly don’t think you can protect your own kids in this situation, the drama is so stressful it has to impact on you and your families stability. It just has to no matter how hard you try to not let it.

At the very, very least I would be moving out and having a much more casual relationship with DP, from afar. You need to distance yourself and your kids. Especially if you were in an abusive situation. You all need normality and stability.

I've put all my money into our house, we both have. It wouldn't be as easy as just leaving.

Honestly if we weren't living together, I would have finished the relationship. But as it is, it's more difficult. I don't want to leave DP and thankfully, my kids have no idea this is all going on. They know DSD was naughty, but they don't know anything beyond that. I keep my kids very very protected in that respect.

I think I do need to take some time to really think about it all though, I really respect what you're saying. And I obviously know this isn't going to just stop, I could be looking at a lifetime of this.

Thank you for this.

My kids are 11, 9 and 6. Thankfully they know nothing of the situation.

I won't ever have a relationship with DSD again, that's a definite. It will always be in the back of my mind that she will be able to make accusations about me, so it's easier all round if i stay completely out of it all. She's not my child, I don't need to have a relationship with her.

I actually really feel bad for you and your DP.

I can't believe his DS wasn't his how horrible of this women.

Is your DSD getting counselling as it seems she needs it. Those lies can destroy people she did it to her SF and to you now. Do you think she wants her parents back together?

BTW you sound such a lovely person too. Please stay strong by his side sounds like he needs you..

I don't think it's mental health related, neither does her therapist. She just craves attention, good or bad

This absolutely does not make sense! Don't believe a word of it.

If it is true, what about your own kids? They must be living though this drama too. I assume they were in the house too when the girl lived with you? And they haven't be affected with all this extreme drama going on?

She sounds severely traumatized. This is not normal behavior for a 12 year old. Absolutely you should not leave. If your DP hands her that kind of power - the power to dictate whether he is in a relationship or not - mark my words it will make her worse.

She is seeking control and manipulating everyone around her to get it. You, your DP, her mother, her step father - you are all pawns. She will keep rotating between you until you unite and stop enabling her.

In terms of responding to her texts and communicating with her in general, look up non-violent communication. Its a type of communication designed to be used with very traumatized children who act out in similar ways to your DSD.

My DD has trauma, and while she presents differently to your DSD in that she doesn't lie or make false accusations but she emotionally manipulates and verbally attacks me in horrible ways when she is very triggered. She triangulates a lot (playing people off one another).

I recognize the emotional blackmail & triangulation in your descriptions. I respond very firmly when she is acting that way. I remind her I am here for her and love her but that I will not accept her behaviour. My loving her does not entitle her to speak to me however she wants or to be hurtful. When she is ready to engage without behaving this way, I will drop everything.

I take a ''take it or leave it'' stance with her (which kills me to do and leaves me feeling extreme guilt afterwards) BUT it takes the power struggle out of the equation. I AM THE PARENT and she needs to know it.

This is easy for me to say I know, but I thnk both you and your partner just need to step back from this now. He has sent a message clearly telling her that he will always be there for her - and now it must be up to her to take up the offer.

I strongly suspect that it will only be a matter of time before she falls out with her mum again, and she goes back to dad for a sympathetic ear.

What she absolutely needs to learn is that life is not a soap opera. She is trying to dramatically dictate the life of all of the adults in her life. If your partner gives into her now she will never learn that what she is doing is wrong on so many levels.

This may come across a little harsh and some posters may flame me for this, but the child has undergone therapy with a psychiatrist- the psychiatrist has said the child doesn't have any underlying issues and nobody knows why she's acted the way that she has, SS included. The school has also been consulted and said the same.

Whilst I do understand that there could be something that still hasn't come out, and that adults should be mindful of that, I think the OP is at a point where they've done their best to support this child, her and DP have gone down many avenues to see if she is troubled and whether that's what's causing this behaviour, but thus far, no issues have been raised and there's just no explanation for this carry on.

Abuse is very serious but when do we get to a point where we say that a child is just being, pardon my French, a little fucker?! Not all badly behaved kids are troubled and not all troubled kids are badly behaved.

I say this as I know a woman like this, who acted in a similar way whilst growing up - she is now one of the most manipulative, dangerous and nasty people I know. (I'm related to her so I know her inside out and have known her my whole life). There is zero abuse history or anything that made her like this, it's just 'in her' so to speak. On the surface she presents as your stereotypical working mum with a relatively 'perfect' life. Internally she's just a nasty twat who gets pleasure out of manipulating others. It does happen that there's no explanation for it.

I would most definitely not be leaving your DP, never let a child like this call the shots and never bend to her demands. I feel most for your DP in this, imagine your child behaving like this - it would unimaginably break my heart and I bet he's questioning himself over and over.

Her SD is mad for staying - I can't even comprehend what that poor man has been through.

Has your DP seen her properly since all was revealed not to be true? Because one thing I will say is that he's also a responsible for making her face consequences for how she behaved - I know mum just reinforces her behaviour but it's not solely on her to enforce punishment for what she done to that poor man. He's brave staying around her - I think you're doing the right thing by never wanting to be around her - what a dangerous child she is. I most definitely wouldn't want to be around her, nor would I want my kids around her. Ever.

Zero empathy for your DP losing his son is also quite alarming in those messages. It's like it's all a game to her.

Mum is a dick but it sounds like she's terrified of her and it's just easier for her to say yes.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP - I hope she piped down once your DP text back - she needs to understand that she's a child and isn't even close to being able to call the shots. Moving forward I'd encourage DP to stand strong, speak to an external body like the school and see if there's any support available for him - he may possibly find guidance as to how to move forward with his daughter.

Was DSS re-registered when your DP got married to his mum as a child of the marriage?

If so make sure your DP tells the solicitor he contacts.

It's impossible to know what we would all do in this situation. I think your DP needs to completely ignore the ultimatum.

Maybe reply to her that he would like to see her one evening a week, pick a day he can fix and then every week, the day before text her to see if she wants to meet.

Ignore everything abusive she sends in between. He needs to be consistent and very predictable in his responses and behaviour.

You need to make your own separate decisions, you might be protecting your children but who is protecting you?

I would also put some thought into what you would do if there is a point where she has to live with her dad.

Well, the drama continues.

Woke up this morning to another message, she wants to go out for tea tomorrow night, with DP and DGM.

My DP has replied, he said he will pick her up and they can go to DGM, he said they need to have a talk and afterwards he will get a McDonald's.

My DP has woken up with a whole new outlook, he's been reading your replies too and is very grateful. It's given him a bit of a push to stand up to this.
He's going to take her to his mums, he's asked his mum to go out for an hour whilst they talk, as he doesn't want DSD shouting with DGM there. (If she does) and he also doesn't want her to feel ganged up on.

He is going to say everything he should have said months ago.

• He wants to know why she has said what she said about SD.

• He wants to talk about the issues in school.

• He wants her to restart therapy, she really liked her therapist, we will be calling her today to see if she would be able to see her. (If she agrees of course)

• He wants to make it absolutely clear that he will not stand for this, he won't put up with stuff being said about me or DGM.

• He is going to tell her he loves her and is always here for her, but he can't keep going through this.

Last night DP was really restless, I woke up to him panting and grey, I was terrified! Turns out it was an awful panic attack. He's taken the day off work and is going to the doctors. He's barely functioning and can't eat or sleep. It's awful to see.

At the moment, I'm protecting myself and my kids. DP is trying to protect me too.

If it ever came to a point where she would have to live with us, (this has been discussed) DP would move into his mums with DSD and the house would be put up for sale, we would be going our separate ways. DP understands why, it's not so much for me, but I can never have my kids around her.

I have 2 DS and 1 DD, one day she could make a claim about one of my DS, or my DD could copy some of her awful behaviour. I can't risk that.

OP tell your DP if his daughter doesn't respond favourably to his words then he just needs to limit contact with her.

He should not make himself ill for anyone and that includes his own child.

His child has another parent who can cope with her, and that who she must live with until she decides to be less harmful to him.

I know and met parents of drug addicts who basically destroyed their parents lives. They limited contact because their children were sending them to an early grave.