Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

My concern with this would be that she might start screaming/crying about being abused by her dad or something. Then all the other people around will see is a distressed child.

Sorry you're going through this OP, it sounds horrendous.

I'm so happy things are sorted for you now

My DP is on the verge of one I think, he's constantly shaking, he's having regular panic attacks, not eating and barely sleeping. It's awful to see.

I will mention to DP about doing it in public and see what he says.

@Whichwhatnow
That is my concern too. She's known for making a scene.

Honestly I think the first meeting with a therapist there may be the better option tbh.

@stepmumnamechange you sound like a lovely person and it's awful you're going through this. If you live in a small town then there's always a chance you'll bump into her and you'll get abuse regardless of if you're with her dp. Granted separating from him may mean she gets bored with you as she'll see it as mission accomplished. But it still seems really unfair to end a good relationship over this. I think your dp needs your support. If she carries on like this indefinitely it will probably end in no contact anyway, there's only so much of this nonsense anyone can take.

She's started again.

It's like she dangles a carrot to DP regarding seeing her.

She's sent a message basically saying, I have no regrets about what I've said and I won't be talking about it. You still have a decision to make and you can tell me tomorrow.

That's basically it summarised. I think she will call off meeting DP tomorrow.

I think I could probably chose a plan c.

It's going to continue, so I'd like to sell up and move away. I can't live in this town with or without DP with this going on.

There used to be a very wise MNer who gave lots of advice in the teenager section.
Much of the time she advised parents to detach from vile behaviour and protect yourselves in order to still live a meaningful life that’s not completely taken over by an irrational child.

Even if it’s found that the dd has had some trauma that’s caused all of this mess, it’s not going to help her to be allowed full control and no normal boundaries at all, and for their own sake the adults around her must be allowed to protect their health in order to be there for her.

In this case I think your dp needs to back off for his own sanity. Take some time out, be there if his dd needs him, but ultimately detach from the issue to protect himself. Expect her to manipulate, make plans and back out, whilst knowing that he can’t be hurt by this behaviour.

It’s not easy, but it sounds like your dp is so knocked by this, and for whatever reason DSD is toying with him.

I think I’d be setting very firm boundaries and sticking to them 100%
Things like - he will not be splitting up from you, she can make and change plans but this will not affect dp’s boundaries one bit, she can play him as much as she likes, but this will not gain her anything at all - no pandering to manipulation at all.

Perhaps DP should just take control and call it off. Tell her he loves her and will be ready to be there for her when she is ready but that he will not tolerate abuse and isn't going to meet her until she is ready to talk.

That way it sets a clear boundary. If he meets her tomorrow she's going to be horrid. I would leave it a few weeks and let her start to calm down.

It’s not easy, but it sounds like your dp is so knocked by this, and for whatever reason DSD is toying with him.
The reason may well be that her mother is putting her up to it.

Yes, very good point.
All the more reason to detach and try to take out any emotions.

Imo your DP needs to take away the power of her deciding whether she wants to see him and reply along the lines that he would love to meet up but there is no decision to be made, so if she’s not ready to see him on that understanding then she will have to wait and see him when she is ready. As a child she’s not going be able to fully appreciate the longer-term consequences of her actions so it’s up to your DP as a responsible parent to take control and remove that age-inappropriate decision making process away from his DD.

My counsellor advised that as long as you are acting according to what you truly believe is the right thing to do then telling another person “this is what I offer… it’s up to you to decide whether you want to accept what I offer” is ok. I highlighted the “according to what you truly believe” part because it’s what differentiates this approach from a selfish “I’ll do what I want and you can like it or lump it” attitude ie it assumes you’ve already taken others’ wants and needs into account when stating your position. It’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

@stepmumnamechange honestly based on your most recent update I would say to DH to remove the meeting from the table.

Simply saying " that's a shame you feel that way but there's no choice to be made and i won't be blackmailed. I think until you can be adult and accountable for your actions that's lead to this, I think a little space and distance is needed.

I love you and always will. When you can speak to me like a adult and without sending abuse, we can reconnect"

Honestly though op your partner needs to be the one to say actually your behaviours not acceptable and I'm not going to jump every time you say I don't wanna see you. Mum will be encouraging her soon enough to talk to your DH when this girl turns on her.

Op though get some counselling for you asap. She maybe damaged she maybe hurt but she isn't allowed to hurt others just because.

@KitchenFleur

That is good advice, I'll show my DP when he comes back, he's gone for a walk to try and clear his head.

@justgettingthroughtheday

The worry is, this has been going on for a year, she's not calmed down. In fact she's gotten worse. We hoped she'd calm down by now, but every single week it's something new. I've had so much abuse thrown at me, so has DP. But this feels so much worse now.

@Liorae wouldn't surprise me at all! She is a nasty cow!

@DebussytoaDiscoBeat

At the minute, my DP has no idea what is the right thing to do.

His opinion is, she's been truly vile, he was broken-hearted when she made the claims about her stepdad, felt he failed her etc. To then find out it's lies and now to switch it up to abusing me, he's just completely at a loss.
He said she should be punished, phone removed, loss of privileges and therapy for 6 months, until she can earn her privileges back. That is what he thinks should happen.

However, he has no control over that, so for now, he wants to tell her how much she's hurt, not just him but everyone. He wants things to go back to how they were, he wants his daughter back.

Or she has learnt that she can easily manipulate both her parents and their partners and she enjoys the feeling of doing it as she has no boundaries.

I have no advice to give and others have done so brilliantly. But it does sound as though a good part of this is the DSD's mother. Both the mothers. We talk a lot on MN about men who say they have crazy exes, but in this case it sounds as though that's not far off the truth. She may have MH problems, she may have a personality disorder, she may have an undiagnosed neurodiversity, she may have all, she may have none but something is disrupting her behaviour and development. She may just grow out of it if you and her Dad ride it out in a non-reactionary manner. Most therapists aren't trained or legally allowed to make a mental health or neurodiversity diagnosis, although many of them do or are the gatekeepers. They are trained to treat them. Some aren't very effective at that either, and they've got to be the right fit for the problem and the person. So I'd take that verdict with a pinch of salt.

The more I read your updates the more convinced I am becoming that the issue here is your DSD's relationship with her Mother.

The mother's behaviour (as you describe it) is erratic, irrational and frankly bizarre. If this is how she behaves in public, one can only imagine her behaviour worse in private. I really urge you to involve social services. The social worker who worked with my DD was able to get to her in a way no therapist was. She was trained in dealing with trauma and the very difficult behaviour this can result in. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't got involved.

Asking her ''why'' she did all this is fruitless - I can guarantee she has no clue. She is a very angry traumatised child. Likely has some kind of attachment issue (with her mother). Your DP and possibly her step father along with yourself are ''safe'' adults - she can project on you all she wants and deep down she knows that you will not reject her (having boundaries is not rejection). She is acting out because she cannot tolerate how she feels - it's all a child this age knows how to. She is frightened and her emotions are more than she can tolerate / contain - she therefore pushes them away and opts for anger instead. She is hurting those around her to avoid her hurt. Worth noting this can go either way - anger (externalizing) or anxiety (internalizing) or a combo of both. My DD swings between the 2 but mostly anxiety.

Your DSD needs to explore all this in therapy, possibly coupled with family therapy. Unless she willingly does this the therapy will not help -she will use it in the same way she uses people around her.

I'd suggest your DP does not look to ''talk about it'' during this meeting but rather use the meeting as an opportunity to lay down boundaries. A long discussions is not needed. He must be prepared for her to kick and scream and reject him etc. He must be strong. Examples of stuff he could say (as long as he's willing to stand firm):

1. I will not be leaving stepmumnamechange. Not now or ever. Nothing you say or do will alter this. I will not be responding to any further suggestions I do.
2. I will not tolerate any further threats, or blackmail. I will not be responding to this type of message from you in future. This is not how people who love each other treat each other.
3. If you choose to not speak to me again that is your choice but know that it was your decision and not something I agree with.
4. You are of an age to make these choices and I cannot force you to see me. However, with choice comes responsibility.
5. I love you, I always will love you, but this stops now.
6. Now let's go and get a macdonalds.

''talking'' with a 12 year old in this state is akin to rationalizing with a toddler who absolutely must have the entire chocolate bar now. There is NO point. She needs to be parented - i.e. firm hand, clear boundaries.

If she decides she will never speak to your DP again, he must not plead. He must respectfully acknowledge her decision and communicate he accepts it. Then, he should periodically (like once a week) reach out to ask how she is, remind her he is there and loves her. IF she does not reply, so be it. He keeps going. He continues to engage with the school, attend parents evenings, plays etc.

In the long run, hard and harsh as the above sounds, it's what she needs. She will be forced to confront her own emotions. All your DP can do it make sure he is there when she is ready.

Parenting a child with any form of trauma is very hard.

I think this needs to to stop immediately because you are literally what I call ‘feeding the dragon’

i think he needs to take control, refuse to be blackmailed she has once again mentioned his ‘decision’ when he has told her he will not be making a decision

perhaps it is kinder to the child to withdraw contact for now then that way her mother might lose motivation for the emotional abuse she is projecting onto her child

Me and the kids have left for tonight.

She was getting really nasty, making violent threats to me etc. regardless of whether they are empty threats, I'm not living on edge tonight.

The kids have a day off school tomorrow anyway, so we are at a hotel, will take them somewhere nice tomorrow. I've told them it was a surprise I'd planned.

We didn't reply to any further messages, that's when the threats start, I know it's crazy I've been bullied out of my house by a 12 year old. But here we are.

Oh she's an absolute little fucker! I don't care if I get flamed for saying it. Damaged, troubled, yes - all possible but all be written off by the correct people.

I'm so sorry you've had to leave your house but telling your kids it was a surprise means they'll be all happy and excited, so hopefully you all have a nice time together about if the house for the night.

If she continues with violent threats to the point where you don't feel safe in your home, I'd report it personally. She will have no choice but to face consequences then and a stern talking to might shake her up. If it was an adult, they would be reported. She's 12 so is deemed as having criminal responsibility. I can hear the roars of "she's just a childddddd" from some mumsnetters already and I'm sorry! I know, I know! But if the law deems her responsible for her own actions then maybe it's about time she faced some repercussions, because fuck all else is working and she's getting worse.

Your patience is one of your most amazing qualities I'm sure!

This is terrible. Social services need to be told. It’s not acceptable for her to be sending threats even if she is 12 and especially if she has her mothers support to do it.

Honestly, he needs to cut her off. Say he won’t deal with her if there are threats/abuse/ demands. When she learns to behave, he’s there and always will be there. Responding to her is like feeding a monster at the moment.

@stepmumnamechange As I've followed this thread I have become more and more horrified by what I've read. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with @Amybelle88 As your partner's daughter has issued violent threats against you, especially with the history you have shared here, you should report it to the police and social services.

It sounds very much like her mum is involved in these messages and ultimatums. These don't sound like the texts of a 12 year old child.

I hope your children have a lovely day tomorrow. I am just astounded that a child can wield so much power and wish you and your partner all the best in this awful situation ♥️

@stepmumnamechange what has been saying ?

I'm so sorry you had to leave the house. She's clearly v damaged and you don't deserve this !

The messages were more and more violent as they went on.

The last one was she was going to 'come round and smash her fucking head in with a bat'

That was enough for me.

I want to call the police, I've had enough of her and her evil mother.