Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

That's it in a nutshell. I agree with you completely regarding DSDs mum.

She's just happy DSD isn't aiming it at her anymore. But it won't be long before she is again.

God that is a terrible situation for you and DP, I'm so sorry. I have had a similar situation in my family, except it was my own DD (aged 14 at the time) making allegations about my DB. Social services, police involved, DB could have lost his job and his own child. It utterly divided and destroyed my family. I knew the allegations weren't true (same reasons as you - the facts didn't match where people had been etc.) but tried to support her as whatever had happened, or whatever had caused her to say those things, had obviously deeply traumatised her.

5 years on, despite much counselling we are no closer to any admission of what "the truth" was, I haven't seen DB or my nephew in all that time, and doubt I ever will again. It's devastating. DD is still a troubled girl.

At least in your case DSD has confessed. Her difficult behaviour since then will be down to guilt and shame. Those are things which hopefully she can work through in time, though her mother may not support that. All you can do is show that you are both still there for her and love her. Give her space and don't be drawn into heated arguments about right and wrong. I think she will come back eventually.

First message:
I'm gonna give you till Friday to get rid of her otherwise I'm gone forever im your only kid now you've lost one kid don't lose another

Second message:
So you can read and not reply haha or has the ugly bitch nicked your fone. You need to reply to me before 8 don't Chuck away your only kid

These are copied and pasted.

That sounds seriously fucked up OP.

I think in your partners place, if he hasn't already done this, I would make an appointment with the school pastoral or safeguarding lead. I would go in, explain everything which has happened, and ask their advice. I would also ask the school to facilitate therapy for her in school time, with your DP paying for it.

I would reply to those message with "I love you from the bottom of my heart and I always will. When would be a good time to meet up to chat through how you're feeling?"

What a horrible situation, if I was you i’d have to leave. I know my DP would, my DS has made accusations which mean he will never be on his own with him, but nothing of that scale. My DS is autistic so he doesn’t view conversations in the same way as I do, he hears tone of voice differently.

Oh Christ she is bats op. I know she's only 12 but I think your dp should draw a hard line for his dd.

She is an abusive liar.

What does dp text back? He sounds as though he has been very passive in dealing with this. If he can't stand up to her, then you really would be better off without him.

They both sound unhinged. Parental alienation in play here op.

What a nasty nasty girl. I'd be washing my hands of her if I were you OP. Not so easy for your DP though.

she accused her step dad of something sexual, she gave a day and a time, she really put a lot of information into It, to make it more believable. Her poor step dad was broken, he was at the other end of the country when the 'incident' took place

Many children who have been abused make up stories...they're looking for help and intervention but can't tell the true story. It's extremely worrying that as 12 year old girl is able to give that much detail...and the adults around her are either just buying her off (her mother) or acting as if she is evil (you).

This. Plus the texts are not normal for a child that age.

Something has happened. Something serious.

That doesn't mean you have to lose your boundaries. But not starting from the position that she's a manipulative liar rather than a trauma-impacted little girl might help your DH.

wow!

absolutely disgusting message

dd

xxx will be staying in my life and I do not appreciate you making vile remarks about her.

if you want to see me I am happy to meet up with you. However you need to understand that I will not tolerate rude behaviour and or verbal abuse against myself or xxxx.

@stepmumnamechange

I would simply get DH to text back something like.

I love you, I always will but I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into leaving my partner.

He put something to that effect back. She hasn't read it yet.

She admitted nothing happened and told her therapist where she got the story from, some anime drama apparently.

She is never alone with her step dad, never has been, that's not intentional, it's just because of his work. She only goes to her nans outside of this.

SS were involved, she has to do quite a lot of work with them, she had a therapist and support from her vicar at the church. All of which have come to the same conclusion.

I was a victim of SA at a young age and a lot of abuse. I would never not take it seriously, or just brush it off as lies, which is why DP took it so seriously.

If you leave then she will just find something else to bully him over. She’s obviously desperate to be in control.
If DP doesn’t bite I would be surprised if she starts turning against her mother again.

She sounds like she hasn’t gotten over the divorce and desperately wants her parents partners gone.

Thank you. He basically put that he wouldn't be splitting up with me, told her I'd done nothing wrong and that we both love her. And he asked her if he could see her over the weekend.

They split when DSD was 6 months old. DP came home from work and found mum in bed with another man unfortunately.

So she's grown up with them being separated.

OP what a nightmare. Both my teenage daughters worry me a lot with very challenging behaviour, but I'm sitting here thinking 'at least they don't make up nasty stuff about other people'.

Please don't let this drive you away from your DP. You sound very level-headed; I hope you can find a way through.

One thing though - agree with PP who suggested that it seems likely something bad and major has actually happened to SD. Acting out due to trauma seems a more plausible explanation for her actions than her just turning into a fully-fledged sociopath at age 12.

I don't mean to suggest that it is up to you to work out what happened. But perhaps countenance that she may be more unwell than evil, for whatever reason. Wishing you and your DP strength.

My feeling for quite a while was worry that something had actually happened, as it didn't make sense. I told my DP, which is why we pressed ahead with therapy, I didn't care at that point what she said about me, I was just worried.

It's months later now and I have been proved wrong. SS put a referral through to CAHMS, due to her behaviour. There's a long waiting list, but we were happy to continue to pay for therapy.

The saddest part is, she actually finds it funny. It's a joke to her. She openly laughs about all of it. It's heartbreaking.

I really think your dp needs to set a precedent here. There is something very wrong with a 12 year old behaving this way but honestly, she sounds dangerous. Her stepdads life could have been ruined by her accusations. Were there any repercussions for her?

The last thing your dp should do is bow down to her. She's a brat. I would never usually say that about a child but this is really vile nasty behaviour and toxic for you and your own dc to be around.

He shouldn't be pandering to her, he should be bollocking her!

'Dd I will always love you but your behaviour and these threats are unacceptable. I will not be breaking up with xxxx just because you've demanded it. My door is open to you when you have decided to act reasonably.'

I can’t understand how the other guy has stayed with her mother tbh!!!

@stepmumnamechange keep us posted on what she responds?

I have to ask has DSD always been not very empathetic? To use the loss of your DP son and that situation is fairly cruel.

Has she always been like this ? Or was there a turning point ?

She responded some more awful messages, then said goodbye forever at the end.

For as long as I've known her, she's always lied, but white lies. Nothing major, just so and so has done this.

She claimed to be bullied at school, DP contacted the school, they said they would keep an eye, as nothing had been reported to them, turns out it was DSD who was the bully, she'd been sending threatening messages to a girl in her class.

I'm quite shocked her SD hasn't left to be honest, I know his mum wanted him too. I really do feel for him.

It's tricky, she just gets more nasty if he disagrees with her. And he can't punish her because she's not with us. And his mum won't cooperate.