Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

That sounds awful. No advice but bumping for you.

That sounds horrific.

I agree with your DP though; I don't think you should leave. a) if you do he is totally isolated and loses his main source of support b) it sends out a very worrying message to DSD, who sounds rather unbalanced, that if she makes threats she gets her own way. That cannot be a good life lesson for her.

I would continue to grey rock and support your DP as far as you are able. Perhaps he could see DSD in the community rather than at your home?

I'm so sorry, this is horrific

I don't think you should leave, for many reasons. Apart from anything else, it wouldn't solve anything. This angry, mixed-up child doesn't need to be given the message that she can control adults' relationships by lashing out. The chances are high that this will go the way it did last time - she will fall out with her mother and look for an escape, recant everything she's said about you/DP and her mother will come under fire again. The girl needs prolonged, dedicated therapy, and for the adults around her to be calm, firm and consistent, not for everyone to buy into the manufactured drama and allow it to blow the family apart.

FWIW I think your approach - stepping back from personal involvement with DSD, supporting your DP and keeping your own family stable - has been the right one. I'd keep going with that. I can't imagine how stressful this must all be.

How about not being so supremely unpleasant?

FFS.

Firstly with regards to step son, your DP should look into taking this to the family court for access to his son. She cannot simply stop him seeing his child.

You don’t need a solicitor for this - you can find everything you need online.

IF she contests it and says child isn’t his, then he can push for DNA test to prove either way. If he wishes.

Just because she’s a cunt doesn’t mean she gets to dictate the terms of everyone’s lives. He needs to take this to court. And don’t do the whole “he can’t afford it” because you can do without a solicitor, easily.

With regards to step daughter - I wouldn’t leave and I would encourage your DP to stay in contact with her as much as he can but also reaffirming that he is the parent and he won’t respond to blackmail or threats.
He can try and keep the lines of communication open but he can’t force her to see him.

She sounds very messed up, what a shame.

Goodness. How supportive of you 🙄

Sorry just re read to see the DSD mum had a DNA test - take it your partner has seen the results via an official means? As in, he has access to a copy?

In order to get results she would have had to have access to your partners DNA or the supposed father.

if you haven’t seen proof, I would take it with a massive pinch of salt

I really hope C stands for what I think it does @ZeroFuchsGiven 🤭

Oh op how awful for you all. I have no advice but just wanted to send you good wishes, I hope you can resolve this.

Something is going on with that poor child to make all this happen. Goodness knows what but the best her family can do is proper family therapy and good boundaries. And those include not just instantly reacting to what she says.

Your DH needs to see her regularly and consistently without you there. But don't move.

And he needs to get a DNA test for DSS.

Excuse me?
My main focus is my children. It always has been, that's why I've stayed out of it! However, my DP does need support too.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, to clarify, DSS isn't DPS, we have seen proof. She found one of the men she cheated with and got his DNA, it all came out of the blue completely.

I want nothing at all to do with the situation, I will not be seeing DSD again. I haven't seen her since, DP has been trying to see DSD since it all happened, but it's always been met with an excuse or a demand, he's begged to see her, it's been awful. The times he has seen her, it's been at his DMs, which has been awful for DPs mum, as DSD has made up a lot of stories about her too. She also likes to cause drama when she's there.

DPs mum is quite elderly, she is a devoted nan and has spoilt her GCs so much, now she's not allowed to see DSS and DSD is evil to her.

I just can't quite believe what has happened, it's like a bomb has gone off. She absolutely will not see him until he meets her demand.

I have no idea what is wrong with her, to be honest, I don't think it's mental health related, neither does her therapist. She just craves attention, good or bad. DSD is refusing to go to therapy now too.

If she gets her way, you get to see her, DGM has had a lot of demands, unfortunately she has done them, for example, DSD said she wanted a phone, trip to theme park, laptop, clothes etc. only if she's given them would she visit.

She's asked for lots from DP too. Clothes, bike, ps5 (just examples) he doesn't have the money to be able to do that, I'm the higher earner. And absolutely no chance am I buying things like that, just so she'll see DP.

Her mum has bought her a brand new iPhone and lots of other things too. Her mum messaged DP and said I should be doing the same.

It all feels like a bad dream.

I have never read anything so awful, my heart truly goes out to you, and things like this just make me sooo angry. We had something similar where SD told her Mum and step dad firstly that we emparted a routine on her she didn't like and had house rules (God forbid), in a bid to stop coming to our house on a weekend...just because we live rurally and it's boring. When that didn't work she accused her dad of hitting her (he's never touched her)...enter a whole shebang of counsellors and social workers etc...all whilst she got treated with kid gloves. It was all a lie, and she has never been called to account for her actions, nor explain why or have consequences. No one seemed to see the danger that she could throw out lies that could ruin people's lives just so she can get what she wanted.

It's for this reason you need to stay strong and do NOT give in by leaving. This is what she wants. Like everyone has said, this is not a life lesson she should be learning as this just teaches her she can throw a wobbler and get her own way. How's that going to work in a work environment? You need strength right now, as does your partner. Please please don't let her ruin your relationship.

@wickedstepmothfker

This is my issue, she has had no reprimands for her behaviour. None at all. Her mum has just bought her everything she wants and everyone now just tiptoes around and worships her. It's horrible to see.

My DP has begged me not to leave, he thinks she'll just come up with something else if I do go anyway.

But on my part, I love my DP, he is the most incredible man. But I don't know if I can live like this, it's never ending. I'm struggling to cope with it all. And I really don't like altercations, but DSDs mum loves them. And everytime DSD makes up another story she's after my blood.

@Googlecanthelpme

We went to a solicitor as soon as she said that about DSS, we wanted proof but also DP wanted to be able to keep a relationship.

We received proof and DP was also advised he would get nowhere in court. Which has left him shellshocked.

@wickedstepmothfker

Sorry, I meant to add to my comment, do you have a relationship with DSD now?

I have the "it's her or me" T-shirt unfortunately OP, and that was followed with a very public torrent of abuse on social media. This was nearly 3 years ago and that point I went full Nacho.

Your DH has to have a relationship with his daughter, and I encourage that with my DH. It took him 6 months to be able to speak to her but now they meet regularly, always away from our home and always with him making ALL the effort. But she would have to crawl over broken glass begging up our front path before we let her in our home.

If you keep encouraging your DH to maintain any level of contact, you stay out of it and eventually that's the MOST she gets for her threats that's the best you can hope for.

@Dollyparton3 I'm so sorry you've been through this too.

DP wants a relationship and does keep trying, but until she gets what she wants she won't see him.

I don't ever want to see her again, nor will I ever have her around my kids, in my opinion, she's dangerous.

How did you cope with it?

How old is DSD?

She massively wants complete control doesn't she?

Incredibly sad.

She's 12. Doesn't act like a 12 year old though.
She's the same age as my DS and the difference in maturity is huge!

The fact her Mum gives her no boundaries is probably making her hugely insecure and fuelling the demand behaviour.

It's just shitty all around.

DP has just had another message, I need to leave by Friday or their relationship is over.

Really can't take much more. I don't even know what to say anymore.