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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holidays and stepchildren

148 replies

JennyJungle · 28/10/2022 23:08

Just wondering how it works in everyone else’s house.. if you also have your own children together?

Do you always holiday together with your step kids? Or do you do some holidays with them and some without?

We normally take our kids (we have 2) out of school to go abroad for a week as it’s a lot cheaper.

However DSD mum has said she doesn’t want her to miss any school next year as it’s the start of her GCSE stuff.

I still want to take our kids abroad next year but it means DSD missing out. We can’t afford to go in the school holidays as the prices shoot up.

It’s not a option for dad to not come as our youngest is severely disabled and it would be extremely hard work with only one of us there.

DSD is already going on holiday with her mum at Xmas abroad in a couple of months.

If we went abroad and she didn’t come we would still go camping in the school holidays so she would still get a holiday with us but just not abroad.

Do many other families do holidays with/without your step children?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sadiewt · 02/11/2022 20:41

overthehill7 · 29/10/2022 22:46

I would plan the holiday, make sure that DSD is invited and very much included. If her mum doesn't agree and let her go then I would go on the holiday without DSD and respect the mums wishes.
As long as she is invited and included there is nothing more you can do

I wouldn't do this. 1. The invitation is disingenuous as you know it's at a time she can't come 2. If she does want to come that makes her mum the bad guy for insisting on something very sensible and usual - no holidays in term time during key school years
If you go you need to be honest that you're going ahead with a plan that doesn't involve her

overthehill7 · 03/11/2022 07:09

@sadiewt
But it isn't disingenuous if she is invited?
Why should the dad and step mum be the "bad guy" when it's the mum that has made the decision for her not to go with them. They aren't leaving her out and not inviting her, so she will be aware of the truth. The mum has her reasons and can then explain this to her.

HeckyPeck · 03/11/2022 22:11

overthehill7 · 29/10/2022 22:46

Same here.

It sounds like your son massively benefits from the holidays. You need your DH there to help care for him.

DSD is still getting an abroad holiday.

No one's losing out here.

But if you don't go, your children miss out on their abroad holiday because of a decision an adult unrelated to them made. That's not fair at all.

HeckyPeck · 03/11/2022 22:14

sadiewt · 02/11/2022 20:41

Show quote history

But if it was up to OP and her DH, DSD would be able to go. Why should they have to lie and pretend they are the ones who don't want her to go?

If the bad guy means the one blocking the holiday, then it is Mum.

overthehill7 · 04/11/2022 08:48

@HeckyPeck completely agree 👏🏼

Navigatingthroughlife · 04/11/2022 08:52

I think it also depends on the age gap. My dad and step mum take my little brother to Florida every year took me once and never took my brother however we do have a 17 year and 19 year age gap from my little brother so never felt my nose pushed out. Saying that if I was say 16 and my little brother was 10-11 I probably would feel a bit put out.

lookluv · 04/11/2022 13:46

Mum is not blocking the holiday - she is abiding by the current rules which fine BOTH parents if the child goes on holiday in term time.

OP and DF have chosen a time for their holiday which excludes the SD - the timing is the issue not the mother. The mother would let her go if not in term time - in exam years.

The situation has been created by OP and her DP - not by the mother.

Madamecastafiore · 04/11/2022 14:07

If they're getting a holiday abroad with their other parent by all means take your out of school and take them without the SC.

Why should your kids not get a holiday abroad but the SC get one? This way they both get one and a holiday in this country.

HeckyPeck · 04/11/2022 22:33

lookluv · 04/11/2022 13:46

Mum is not blocking the holiday - she is abiding by the current rules which fine BOTH parents if the child goes on holiday in term time.

OP and DF have chosen a time for their holiday which excludes the SD - the timing is the issue not the mother. The mother would let her go if not in term time - in exam years.

The situation has been created by OP and her DP - not by the mother.

I'm not saying she's wrong or right to say no, but the fact of the matter is that it is the mum saying no so she is the one blocking the holiday.

No reason for OP and her DH to lie to DSD and sat they're the ones that aren't letting her go.

No need for OPs children to miss out on their abroad holiday when both their parents are happy for them to be out of school.

It sounds like DSD has had abroad holidays each year up until her exam years. It wouldn't be equal to deny her silblings the same.

11MonthsDifference · 05/11/2022 14:41

I can't imagine taking just my own two and not my step daughter, my step daughter is 8. Could you not go in the September after exams leaving plenty of time for her to catch up with missed studies over the whole of the following school year.

It must be difficult for you as you don't want your children to miss out on a summer holiday either. I appreciate the comments to go camping with all of them instead but camping doesn't give much of a break to the parents if this is also important which I'd imagine it is as you have a severely disabled child.

I guess you will be in the situation in the future where your own are in their GCSE period and you'll probably want to think about what your views will be during this time. If you limit your holidays to school time only for cost reasons there will be times when their education has to take priority.

I hope you do all manage to get a holiday.

Original poster

JennyJungle · 09/11/2022 13:15

Thanks everyone.

We have spoke to DSDs mum again and she’s adamant she doesn’t want her out of school which is fine so we have decided to go ahead and book a holiday without dsd this time.

Ultimately I don’t see why my kids should miss out or wait an extra year on another woman's say so. We have now booked the hotel & flights.

DSD will still get a lovely Xmas trip abroad with her mum and she can come camping with us again in the summer hols so she’s still getting a holiday with us/her dad.

I think this is the fairest way, everyone is getting a holiday.

OP posts:

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 09/11/2022 13:17

Your life must be full of challenges with a severely disabled child. Of course you must go on your holiday.

Original poster

JennyJungle · 09/11/2022 14:35

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 09/11/2022 13:17

Your life must be full of challenges with a severely disabled child. Of course you must go on your holiday.

Thanks… it really can be.

We are all very excited to be getting some sun, sea & beach next year!

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 09/11/2022 15:03

Depends.
Always invited, but if their mum doesn't want them to come or would miss out on contact, we would still go. Not fair for resident children to miss out when stepchildren would probably go on holiday with their mum sometimes anyway.

overthehill7 · 10/11/2022 18:41

That's great. I hope you all have a lovely time!

MumRuns77 · 18/06/2023 14:31

I’m really surprised that so many people think this is not ok. I think it’s completely fine.

My DP often takes his older kids overseas (India, Thailand…) without me and our DS because DS is too young for that kind of trip and DP really wanted to teach the older kids how fun backpacking can be (they tend to do luxury holidays with their Mum and it was important to DP for them to understand other ways to holiday).

Funnily enough my DP has never been on holiday with just me and DS. But I hope he will once the older kids have left home.

76evie · 23/08/2023 02:21

JennyJungle · 09/11/2022 13:15

Thanks everyone.

We have spoke to DSDs mum again and she’s adamant she doesn’t want her out of school which is fine so we have decided to go ahead and book a holiday without dsd this time.

Ultimately I don’t see why my kids should miss out or wait an extra year on another woman's say so. We have now booked the hotel & flights.

DSD will still get a lovely Xmas trip abroad with her mum and she can come camping with us again in the summer hols so she’s still getting a holiday with us/her dad.

I think this is the fairest way, everyone is getting a holiday.

Good for you, I think that’s fair all round. DSD gets a holiday with mum (abroad) and one with Dad (uk). Your two children get two holidays also, one abroad and one U.K.

CrazyHamsterLady · 23/10/2023 22:16

We used to take the step kids with us when they were younger. However, we had the odd break with my girls (DH’s step-children) plus our joint son. His kids would be with their mum. Now the oldest 4 are late teens/early twenties, it’s just us and our own bio son as the oldest are too cool!

lookluv · 25/10/2023 00:10

Why do non resident families think it is the responsibility of the resident parent to make sure the child in question gets a holiday because the NRP family does not want / can not afford to take all the children away.

It is the same reasoning which says that the step child does not get a room to themselves / sleeps on a put you up because in their other home they have a bed.

It is not the responsibility of one parent to make up the equity because the other rhalf of the childs family can not or will not treat all the children fairly.

3DSCs - DP takes them away on his own all teens - I take any 2 away on my own to see my family overseas and we do a week away all together. No one gets left behind.

Millybob · 25/10/2023 00:15

Does a teenager even want to go on holiday with a severely-disabled younger child?

Sugarcube84 · 25/10/2023 21:45

We do a mixture ..coming up we have our honeymoon where dsc and my ds are staying behind as they have school and we are just taking our shared dc. DSC not bothered as they don’t fancy a cruise and my ds is looking forward to 2weeks with his dad. Then my ds and dsd have expensive school trips next summer and we are using the opportunity to have a cheap term time holiday with ds while they are away, he goes to primary next year so won’t be able to do it again.
We have a uk holiday planned for everyone
Then the following year a big family holiday inc family to a long haul destination to a location that dsc missed previously as their mum wouldn’t let them take time off primary school. We had no choice over dates as we’re attending a wedding. DSC have never been long haul so are very excited.

We’ve done the same in the past mix of holidays to different locations some with/some without everyone seems happy with the set up and luckily they all get taken away by their other parents as well.

Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2023 16:16

It's fine. DSD is getting a holiday and your DC will miss out if you don't go.

@Rascalsandradishes totally agree. OP, don’t let this be all about DSD.

MrsSunshine2b · 08/11/2023 13:23

We do. We have a big age gap (DD3 and SD14) so they have different interests anyway. We spent a week in Portugal in May outside the school holidays, we just took DD and did lots of toddler stuff that would have bored SD anyway. SD spent a week at Disneyland, 2 weeks in Malta, AND we did our own little "staycation" with her where we took her and her best friend to Alton Towers and other day trips. It's not fair for your BKs not to get a holiday.

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