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Original poster

Holidays and stepchildren

148 replies

JennyJungle · 28/10/2022 23:08

Just wondering how it works in everyone else’s house.. if you also have your own children together?

Do you always holiday together with your step kids? Or do you do some holidays with them and some without?

We normally take our kids (we have 2) out of school to go abroad for a week as it’s a lot cheaper.

However DSD mum has said she doesn’t want her to miss any school next year as it’s the start of her GCSE stuff.

I still want to take our kids abroad next year but it means DSD missing out. We can’t afford to go in the school holidays as the prices shoot up.

It’s not a option for dad to not come as our youngest is severely disabled and it would be extremely hard work with only one of us there.

DSD is already going on holiday with her mum at Xmas abroad in a couple of months.

If we went abroad and she didn’t come we would still go camping in the school holidays so she would still get a holiday with us but just not abroad.

Do many other families do holidays with/without your step children?

OP posts:
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BungleandGeorge · 29/10/2022 12:17

Yousee · 29/10/2022 12:11

Or take your children yourself with a relative
And there it is. Why should the younger kids get to live life as if their parents are still together when we could easily pretend they have the same disadvantage as their elder sibling?

It is merely an option, an option enjoyed by many. Along with the option to pay more for a year or go somewhere cheaper.

perhaps op doesn’t realise how detrimental holidays in gcse years are given her own children are younger. Our school had a policy on this, it’s really not appropriate whether the kid is top set or not. Children are still trying to catch up post covid, there’s no slack in the system for a holiday

HotCoffee22 · 29/10/2022 12:18

If she was your actual child you wouldn't consider it, so I don't know why it is okay because she is a SD.

My DSS’ Mum also likes to holiday with her younger children and not DSS. I don’t agree with what you’ve said. It can be easier to stick to age groups.

BungleandGeorge · 29/10/2022 12:24

@JennyJungle i think it’s great that you include your sd every year and are interested in other opinions. Some posters on here are more interested in petty point scoring and dividing families. Honestly these 2 years are really important and schools are very tough on holidays. The mum isn’t being difficult for the sake of it, it is needed. You could also speak to the sd and say she’ll miss a year but can decide on a special trip post gcse. She’ll finish early that year so you can book something cheaper and let her decide destination? Or speak to her about choices?

MzHz · 29/10/2022 12:26

We had our holidays including SDC used as weapons against us all by the sdc mother. The sdc revelled in being absolutely appallingly rude and difficult and effectively stood us up on a fully booked and paid for holiday days before departure

totally blew up in their faces when the holiday turned out to show just how stressful taking them was for everyone. We’ve never taken them again. They get plenty of travel with their mother, paid for by DH anyway as it goes, so all good.

We’d never travel with them again. Their mother can’t help herself and ruins everything for everyone.

Original poster
JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 12:27

I think many would understand that I do not have relatives that are banging down my door to go away on holiday with a disabled child when they can go away without him and have a far more relaxing break! 😂😂

Going with his dad ensures we both have time to relax while the other is on watch with him!

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 29/10/2022 12:27

JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 12:16

I’m looking for all opinions which is why I asked on here. Thanks for yours.

Show quote history

You are very welcome.
Your DSD is at a very tricky age, what you do now will probably make or break the relationship with her. GCSEs these days are tough going, and she needs family support. I think your dh should be around to support his child, and not be swanning off with his new family for a holiday without her. Sorry.

MeridianB · 29/10/2022 12:37

what you do now will probably make or break the relationship with her.

Over the location of one holiday this year, out of the two DSD is having? Seriously?

Kissingfrogs25 · 29/10/2022 12:39

Yes seriously. I think SD is likely to feel very unsupported and hurt.

vivainsomnia · 29/10/2022 12:42

I would have thought that a week away camping with the whole family plus the potential of fines would be as much or even more than all going on a cheaper holiday abroad during holiday time.

HotCoffee22 · 29/10/2022 12:43

MeridianB · 29/10/2022 12:37

what you do now will probably make or break the relationship with her.

Over the location of one holiday this year, out of the two DSD is having? Seriously?

Also think OP should be conscious of how her own DC feel. “Sorry we’re not going away DSD’s mum said no” and also reframed for other situations is going to breed resentment.

Original poster
JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 12:45

vivainsomnia · 29/10/2022 12:42

I would have thought that a week away camping with the whole family plus the potential of fines would be as much or even more than all going on a cheaper holiday abroad during holiday time.

It’s not. I know the owners of the campsite and we get it cheap and I won’t get a fine from my sons school. They have always authorised holidays.

I May from my daughters school but I won’t know until it’s done. Her holidays were authorised while at primary.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 29/10/2022 13:04

JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 12:27

I think many would understand that I do not have relatives that are banging down my door to go away on holiday with a disabled child when they can go away without him and have a far more relaxing break! 😂😂

Going with his dad ensures we both have time to relax while the other is on watch with him!

People make suggestions because you asked for opinions and nobody actually knows you or your family, or what your sons needs are. I know plenty of grandparents who help out with Sen children. Nobody knows how much you pay for a camping trip.
you were very lucky not to get fined by primary . If it’s 10 sessions or more missed most schools have to pass you to the LA for a fine. Secondary schools usually take a fairly dim view of holidays in term time and they generally tell the gcse students how important school is at that stage

was the purpose of your post to consider alternatives or just to get approval for leaving the sd?

BungleandGeorge · 29/10/2022 13:06

School websites will have an attendance policy which will tell you if holidays are allowed

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 13:31

Kissingfrogs25 · 29/10/2022 12:39

Yes seriously. I think SD is likely to feel very unsupported and hurt.

So its best to hurt DC by saying no you can't have a holiday this year as some random person unrelated to you has said no?

Original poster
JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 13:35

BungleandGeorge · 29/10/2022 13:04

People make suggestions because you asked for opinions and nobody actually knows you or your family, or what your sons needs are. I know plenty of grandparents who help out with Sen children. Nobody knows how much you pay for a camping trip.
you were very lucky not to get fined by primary . If it’s 10 sessions or more missed most schools have to pass you to the LA for a fine. Secondary schools usually take a fairly dim view of holidays in term time and they generally tell the gcse students how important school is at that stage

was the purpose of your post to consider alternatives or just to get approval for leaving the sd?

Show quote history

My question I asked was how other families split holidays with step kids….. many have said they do and would holiday without SD and I’m not being unfair in this circumstances and many have said they wouldn’t.

It was good to see there is no normal.

I also simply pointed out holidaying with relatives isn’t a option. I didn’t ask for alternative ideas on how I could work my holiday such as leaving my OH behind and inviting relatives instead. Thats a bonkers idea. My kids don’t get a holiday with their dad because SD might not be able to come? I don’t think so. That’s not up for discussion. It’s vital he comes anyway.

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 29/10/2022 14:06

Just leave her at home, that was the answer you were looking for.

Ajayjay · 29/10/2022 15:05

We've never had a family holiday without SD/SS (no joint children).
Every couple of years OH takes his 2 for a weekend away and I take my DD.
I'm not ruling out never going away without them though, we may go one year when they go with their mum.

lookluv · 29/10/2022 15:23

"My kids don’t get a holiday with their dad because SD might not be able to come? I don’t think so. That’s not up for discussion. It’s vital he comes anyway."

But it is OK that his other child does not get a holiday with him because that is not vital.

Original poster
JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 15:30

lookluv · 29/10/2022 15:23

"My kids don’t get a holiday with their dad because SD might not be able to come? I don’t think so. That’s not up for discussion. It’s vital he comes anyway."

But it is OK that his other child does not get a holiday with him because that is not vital.

Not in the same sense no.

It’s vital he comes due to our sons disability.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 29/10/2022 15:31

As your step is going away with her mum this seems fine (however I hate parents taking kids out of school for holidays).
My stepkids came with us a couple times but as there was a 13 and 15 year difference in ages it didn't really work on any level. My husband did go away with just them once or twice though. We went away with our kids most years. Stepkids also went away with their mother (who did not remarry).

overthehill7 · 29/10/2022 22:46

I would plan the holiday, make sure that DSD is invited and very much included. If her mum doesn't agree and let her go then I would go on the holiday without DSD and respect the mums wishes.
As long as she is invited and included there is nothing more you can do

Frankola · 01/11/2022 09:06

When my SD was small she outright refused to go on holiday with us as she didn't want to spend a lot of time away from her mum. We accepted this but made it clear we would be going even if she didn't come, and off we went.

She's joined us for the odd weekend away but always refused bigger holidays. She also preferred to stay home when her mum went away once she was old enough. She now goes with her mates.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 01/11/2022 09:16

OP i think its fine as she will be coming on holiday with you in the summer anyway, and she gets her holiday with her mum.

Blendiful · 01/11/2022 09:50

If there is an age gap that much, then I think it's fine. DSD gets a holiday with their mum and if you don't go in term time your children miss out completely. This is just the nature of blended families IMO.

weekendninja · 01/11/2022 13:25

We have had holidays without my DSC. Gave them the option but DM refused. My DC won't miss out due to another's inflexibility.

In your case DSD is having a holiday with their DM - just like yours will.

Plus the camping idea sounds like she will still get holiday time with her DF.

Book what suits you and enjoy.