DS is refusing to come back after being told off

[Whatodonow]

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

@Whatodonow I'm not understanding what outcome you are looking for? If it's wide consensus your DSS is ''bad'' then I really don't think you will get this as this situation is far more complex than the incident itself - the incident is a symptom of the family situation & dynamics. This isn't about whether your DSS was wrong or whether you are unreasonable, or whether DSS visits or not. It is about finding the right solution for your family moving forwards, all members of the family.

No one disagrees that your DSS was wrong. He got told off, and that should have been the end of it. If he is uncomfortable coming now, fine let him feel as he needs to feel. Posters have tried to highlight the difficulties of your situation for all members of the family - not just your DS. It has also been highlighted that in your house all children are not treated equally - I'm not saying there isn't good reason for some differences but it does feel like you excuse all your DS's behavior as if inevitable and therefore must be accepted without question. This is incredibly difficult for your DSS and DSD. Your DSS and DSD also have a lot of change in their other home with Mum having another baby. You understand how over-stimulation impacts your DS, its important to also understand that all children have limits and different things are difficult for different children. While your DS's needs are evidently the major focus in the family, the needs of the other children must be tended to. Coping with a sibling with significant needs is difficult. Acknowledging how difficult it is for your DSS and DSD, with empathy & compassion will go a long way. A ''we're in this together'' approach as opposed to an us / them situation - which does come through with your posts I'm afraid.

All children, even those with significant needs have to learn to self-regulate - your DS included. He will not be able to continue to throw things indiscriminately or lash out- that is dangerous and someone will get hurt. If your DS is not supported to ''diffuse'' he will have a very hard time in the future - as he gets older stronger etc. This will become very difficult for you as well - how will you restrain a teenage boy? I say this knowing how my Mum's cousin (severely autistic, with profound learning difficulties, never went past a mental age of ~3-4 but physically strong as an ox) had to go into a special home when he was a teen as his Mum simply couldn't handle/manage him anymore, he frequently smashed up the house, windows, furniture and and lashed out at her - she got hurt frequently and I'm not talking a little bruise. It broke her heart into 2.

If you're looking for a cast iron guarantee this will never happen then the only solution is for you and your DP as parents to ensure the children are supervised 100% of the time and you ensure situations are diffused before they reach the stage were one or more child snaps. You seem to expect a 10 year old to have all the skills to manage this situation without ever making a mistake or snapping, it's far too much to expect of a 10 year old who is just a child himself.

Sorry I have not had time to read the whole thread so this point may have already been made. Your oh and his ex are the parents and need to set clear boundaries here. Ds/s is not in charge. Over time this will prove really beneficial but it can be hard to do. My exhusband initially thought the children could just move between houses as and when they wanted to. They were 3 and 5! Absolutely not! The mother should drop him off as per usual. Then there does need to be discussion to listen and understand etc

So many non step parents on here who just want to stick the knife in. I wonder why? Are you all ex wives? Or do you live in fear of your husbands running off and your children becoming step children? Its fascinating to watch. There are a few posters on here, spilling their bile and all I picture are very sad women who jump on an OP due to their own insecurities. Turn away from your phone/tablet and look around at your own lives. Somethings not right if this is how you get your kicks. Pouncing on a stranger on the Internet. Sad. Everyone can see you.
Anyway Whatodonow back to you. Just leave your dss for now. Let him sulk. Go out and enjoy your day making sure he knows he's welcome if he changes his mind. He's probably embarrassed that he went for a little boy and he wont know how to handle that. He will come round im sure! You and your dh need to stand together on this, you seem to be making this a bigger deal than it is due to being super aware of the changes going on in dss's life. Pandering to him will do him no favours in the long run.

I agree with this.

Mmm.
Why are YOU posting?
The words “pandering to” tell me all I need to know about how you treat your stepchildren.

There are various posters that come in shades unhelpful. I have to say I think @jemimapuddlepluck might have hit a nerve with some.

I use the term pandering when my mum gives my Dd 3 ice lolly's in one day. She does not need 3 ice lollies in one day and frankly makes her a nightmare later on. The negative implication is on my mum not on my Dd. Same for the below. The negative is on the dad iMO

Interesting though that certain posters would view it that way 😏