Page 5 | DS is refusing to come back after being told off

Whatodonow · 2022-10-14T07:49:11+00:00

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion. So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face. There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc. Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to. OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all. So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty. At a bit of loss now.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 12:51

Firstly, I think it is completely disingenuous to post about this again without giving the full back story. The fact you got "piled on" the last time was warranted.

This poor 10 year old reacted like a 10 year old child when his brother was having a bad meltdown and throwing things at his sister.

So for those who were denied the full story, this is it.

My DS can be incredibly challenging and you would never hear me pretend otherwise but what happened this evening has really upset me. DS is severely autistic, has LD's and suspected ADHD. His level of understanding is more comparable to a very young toddler.
DSC are round today. I left all of them with OH (father to all of them) whilst I nipped to the shop. DS began having a meltdown when I got home as he struggles with transitions and gets upset when people come in and out as he automatically wants to go outside himself.
As I come in DS begins crying and throwing himself on the floor. He threw one of his car toys which landed near DSD but not at her. It landed about a metre away from where she was sitting. DSS (10) jumped up, grabbed DS by the jumper and raised his fist ready to thump him in the face.
OH shouted for him to stop right there and don't you dare punch him, so he didn't, but he certainly intended to.
When DSS (10) went back to sit down DS (4) then threw another toy which landed near him this time. OH made DS apologise for throwing the toy. No apology forthcoming from DSS for going to thump DS.
Admittedly, DS is my weakness. I'm incredibly protective of him as he's just so vulnerable so I want to know whether you think I'm being unreasonable so be absolutely furious about this.
I got DS shoes on and took him out the house to the greenery down the road where we're now sitting

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 12:52

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 12:49

What?

You're expecting a 10 year old to have the level of understanding and empathy of an adult.

If he feels unable to cope with being in your home, given what happened, then that seems to me to be a sensible choice.

There's nothing to indicate that it's a permanent decision.

It isn't about not wanting to be in this house it's about him not wanting to see his dad full stop.

If you're going to come on here talking rubbish then atleast read the posts you're replying to.

OP posts:

wherearetheturrets · 14/10/2022 12:56

Accidentally pressed send too soon -

Of course ops dss has the right to feel safe and not go somewhere where he doesn't - I don't know how bad these situations are for op etc, but we all have the right to keep ourselves safe. But it is not okay that dss went to punch ds in the face. Punching someone in the face is not self defence, it is an attack.

I'm sorry I'm not commenting on your current question op, I was just so shocked by some of the responses!

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 12:56

Ohh and how rude you were with anyone who DARED dosagree with you.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 12:56

to disagree with you

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 12:56

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 12:51

Firstly, I think it is completely disingenuous to post about this again without giving the full back story. The fact you got "piled on" the last time was warranted.

This poor 10 year old reacted like a 10 year old child when his brother was having a bad meltdown and throwing things at his sister.

So for those who were denied the full story, this is it.

My DS can be incredibly challenging and you would never hear me pretend otherwise but what happened this evening has really upset me. DS is severely autistic, has LD's and suspected ADHD. His level of understanding is more comparable to a very young toddler.
DSC are round today. I left all of them with OH (father to all of them) whilst I nipped to the shop. DS began having a meltdown when I got home as he struggles with transitions and gets upset when people come in and out as he automatically wants to go outside himself.
As I come in DS begins crying and throwing himself on the floor. He threw one of his car toys which landed near DSD but not at her. It landed about a metre away from where she was sitting. DSS (10) jumped up, grabbed DS by the jumper and raised his fist ready to thump him in the face.
OH shouted for him to stop right there and don't you dare punch him, so he didn't, but he certainly intended to.
When DSS (10) went back to sit down DS (4) then threw another toy which landed near him this time. OH made DS apologise for throwing the toy. No apology forthcoming from DSS for going to thump DS.
Admittedly, DS is my weakness. I'm incredibly protective of him as he's just so vulnerable so I want to know whether you think I'm being unreasonable so be absolutely furious about this.
I got DS shoes on and took him out the house to the greenery down the road where we're now sitting

Thank you for going to the trouble of finding the other post, copying the text and pasting it here. Bonus points for your use of italics.

I stand by every word I said on that thread. What DSS did was completely unacceptable. You do not go around going to punch disabled 4 year old WHATEVER THEY HAVE DONE.

Never.

This thread is about moving on from what happened and DSS not wanting to see his dad. If you want to re hash the old one go and do it on there.

OP posts:

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 12:57

I have read the posts.

You've painted such a picture here by avoiding telling the back story this thread has ended up with a 10 year old being slated.

He has choices. You have choices. Your DH has choices.

Maybe all of you need to reflect on your behaviour. But the most of the blame for this situation sits with the adults who didn't manage the situation adequately.

And let's not forget your DH who went off on one with you. Throwing things around and being quite aggressive. Don't you think your DSS knows that's what he's like?

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 12:58

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 12:56

Ohh and how rude you were with anyone who DARED dosagree with you.

I match the energy I receive.

If somebody comes onto a thread of mine where I'm being perfectly civil to all on there, and starts being an idiot, I'll speak to them as such.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 12:59

wherearetheturrets · 14/10/2022 12:51

I'm quite shocked by some of the comments here, though admittedly I didn't see the original thread..

I don't expect a 10 year old to have the maturity or control that an adult does, but i sure as hell expect them to know it's not okay to punch a small child in the face!!!

I know quite a few 10 years olds and literally NOT ONE would think it was okay to punch a 4 year old in the face, even if it was self defence! Funnily enough my just turned 11 year old got bitten by an autistic boy at school last week (I believe he is 4/5 years old) and, with his teeth sunk into her arm, didn't react violently towards him because she knows that you don't physically hurt small children!

It's this one

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4650375-dss-10-went-to-thump-ds-4-and-disabled

Please do have a read. It is utter lunacy.

OP posts:

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 13:00

Actions have consequences.

This is a consequence.

You don't like it.

Your DSS didn't like the consequence of being told off for his action. This is a consequence of that for him.

It's on your DH to sort it with his son. He may have to step back for a while. He may have to be much more present in dealing with the maladaptive behaviour your DS exhibits. He may have to take his son out on his own and rebuild that relationship. Or it may be that all he can do right now is keep contact at a distance via email, text or letter for now because that's all his son wants.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 13:04

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 12:58

I match the energy I receive.

If somebody comes onto a thread of mine where I'm being perfectly civil to all on there, and starts being an idiot, I'll speak to them as such.

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Ha ha! You were FAR from civil, telling people to piss off because they did not agree with you. People can read for themselves now anyway :)

Isaidnoalready · 14/10/2022 13:07

You were absolutely piled on in the last thread and I suspect you will be again so before you hide this thread (because I bloody would) I have some advice

Don't let your husband beg plead and bribe the child to return in my personal experience this leads to the child feeling contempt for that parent not respect

Clear calm boundaries we all know what happened we all know what went wrong we will work harder as a family to stop it happening again line drawn it is OVER none of this daddy told me off bullshit he made the wrong choice (as did ds) no-one hates him your no locking him in the basement it's a new day

Really on the scale of things it wasn't even that dramatic child one has meltdown child two reacts badly dad was a fucking dickhead wouldn't even make an interesting eastenders episode ffs

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:08

Look whatever happened on the last thread, or in fact this one, it is plain to see that DSS is not coping with something. Having a severely autistic sibling in one home and a new 'step-dad' and pregnant mother in his other home is LOT to cope with emotionally for a 10 year old.

Why are his parents not focusing on how to support him?! His behaviour shows he is not ok.

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:10

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 13:04

Ha ha! You were FAR from civil, telling people to piss off because they did not agree with you. People can read for themselves now anyway :)

Show quote history

OP posts:

Isaidnoalready · 14/10/2022 13:10

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:08

Look whatever happened on the last thread, or in fact this one, it is plain to see that DSS is not coping with something. Having a severely autistic sibling in one home and a new 'step-dad' and pregnant mother in his other home is LOT to cope with emotionally for a 10 year old.

Why are his parents not focusing on how to support him?! His behaviour shows he is not ok.

If you read the last thread dad is a bit of a dick op seems to be the only one concerned about the children and getting upset about this and she is being battered by everyone

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:11

Oh OP. You're not helping yourself.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 13:12

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:10

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😂You're a mad scone.

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:13

@Isaidnoalready exactly - hence my question around why they're not stepping up. What's going on that they're blind to their son? As the stepparent the OP can only do so much unfortunately.

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:14

Hmm 'blind to' is not a great phrase. But DSS's parents are just not seeing or hearing his emotional needs

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:14

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:11

Oh OP. You're not helping yourself.

😂

I just have no good will left in me to engage with these people who just keep coming out with the same old crap they said on the last thread. That is all I hear when I read such comments.

I'm filtering to the sensible comments and taking notes of them. I wanted some perspective and advice on how to handle a child refusing contact, not a bunch of keyboard warriors wanting to reignite a dead argument.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:16

BrioLover · 14/10/2022 13:13

@Isaidnoalready exactly - hence my question around why they're not stepping up. What's going on that they're blind to their son? As the stepparent the OP can only do so much unfortunately.

Yup my hands are tied, it's crap because I care and I don't want DSS to be unhappy.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2022 13:17

The responses you got on your last thread (and creeping in on this one were batshit) - the amount of people deliberately misreading things to say that your DS threw the car straight at DSD's face and they'd have done exactly the same as DSS so his behaviour was fine and justified. Not only was that clearly not what you said happened, grabbing a 4 year old to punch them is still not remotely the right way to react. Nuts.

Your DH should not apologise, and he needs to be careful not to reward this behaviour out of fear DSS will not come again. He should take him out and talk to him about how he's coping with all the changes in his life etc. But I wouldn't take him somewhere overly fun, just maybe to a cafe or for a walk, somewhere they can talk that isn't a "treat".

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:18

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 13:12

😂You're a mad scone.

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If you can't beat them join them 💃

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 13:20

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2022 13:17

The responses you got on your last thread (and creeping in on this one were batshit) - the amount of people deliberately misreading things to say that your DS threw the car straight at DSD's face and they'd have done exactly the same as DSS so his behaviour was fine and justified. Not only was that clearly not what you said happened, grabbing a 4 year old to punch them is still not remotely the right way to react. Nuts.

Your DH should not apologise, and he needs to be careful not to reward this behaviour out of fear DSS will not come again. He should take him out and talk to him about how he's coping with all the changes in his life etc. But I wouldn't take him somewhere overly fun, just maybe to a cafe or for a walk, somewhere they can talk that isn't a "treat".

It's bonkers isn't it? I felt like I needed bloody therapy after all of that.

I agree with you and think that's exactly what needs to happen, hopefully next week DSS is more open to it.

OP posts:

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 13:23

It isn't about not wanting to be in this house it's about him not wanting to see his dad full stop.

He shouted at him, and he doesn't want to be shouted at again.

You said in the last thread you weren't going to bring it up with your DH again because you didn't want him to shout.

It's exactly the same thing — whether the shouting at was justified or not, you don't put yourself in a place out will happen again. For you, that was not discussing. For DSS (who's younger and less experienced), it's not being around his dad.

It's not good, but it isn't irrational.