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Original poster

DS is refusing to come back after being told off

181 replies

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 08:49

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:11

Has DSS spoken to DH or is this all coming from mom?

thaegumathteth · 14/10/2022 11:12

Yes I was sure the younger ds had been doing something like throwing etc. Couldn't find original post.

Was your ds told off for that?

thaegumathteth · 14/10/2022 11:12

Or maybe told off is the wrong word - was he corrected?

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 11:14

I saw your previous thread.

I'm not at all surprised your DSS doesn't want to come back and if I was his mother I would support that decision he has made

You totally minimised the effect of the actions of your DS and the fact that you and your DH dropped the ball in terms of supervising all the children adequately.

This thread is disingenuous because without the backstory you're painting your DSS as bad and stroppy, and it's significantly more nuanced than that.

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:14

thaegumathteth · 14/10/2022 11:12

Yes I was sure the younger ds had been doing something like throwing etc. Couldn't find original post.

Was your ds told off for that?

He threw something that landed near the DSD I believe

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 11:19

SoupDragon · 14/10/2022 09:21

He could be embarrassed by his behaviour rather than straight sulking.

That's probably true, with a dash of hard done by!

Ten really isn't that old, and he thought your DS was going to hurt his sister.

I don't think he will say sorry to be honest, because I suspect he knows he shouldn't have threatened to hit him, but doesn't know what he should have done instead. His dad shouted at him, so as far as DS is concerned, if it happens again he either lets his sister get hurt, or gets shouted at!

That's why he needs to get back into the family life with nothing going wrong, and maybe for his dad to say "get me, leave the room, or take whatever he's throwing away".

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:21

dirtyasadustpanlid · 14/10/2022 11:08

Is this the one where the DSS (10) went to hit your 4 year old who was throwing things at his sisters face?

Here we go with the rewriting history.

Let me correct you before people who haven't seen that thread actually listen to such rubbish.

DS went into an autistic meltdown, he threw a toy indiscriminately which landed about a metre away from DSD who was completely unbothered.

DSS leapt up from the sofa, grabbed DS by his jumper and went to punch him in the head/face.

OH shouted at DSS not to hit him.

Ds was on the floor throwing himself about at this point. He then threw another car towards DS, the second car was probably aimed on purpose.

Nobody in this home condones DS throwing things. I have been working tirelessly to manage his problem with transitions to no avail, as have his special needs school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:23

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/10/2022 11:07

You have omitted the bit about your son throwing metal objects at DSS, which sparked the original confrontation.

tbf , I’m not surprised dSS just wants to avoid any more confrontations at your house. You said he was quiet and ‘ geeky’ , and you dismissed the hint that he was being bullied. So not a raging aggressor usually.

Just let him off this week. Let him come back when he feels he can cope with the family situation at your house. As the RC would say let him ‘avoid the occasion for offence’

I am well aware you won’t like this opinion.

Also no it wasn't metal, it was a small flimsy PLASTIC car from poundland. No metal on it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:23

Out of curiosity, when you removed DS from the situation, where did you go?

I'm just thinking if he got removed and taken to the park, for example, whereas DSS got told off and left at home, you can understand him feeling hard done by.

Foxesforme · 14/10/2022 11:25

SuperCamp · 14/10/2022 10:49

DSC mother has a new-ish partner that has moved in and they're having a baby. DSS referred to him as his step dad a couple of times which hurt OH a bit as he barely knows him yet, so OH feels like he's being replaced.

Is anyone considering that DSs feels he is being replaced? A higher need younger child that his father parents full time, and now a new baby for his Mum?

10 is a really emotional confusing age for a child, growing out of being a small kid etc.

I honestly don’t know what is best in terms of the weekend but as well as obviously making it clear that hitting us not ok, the adults also need to pay attention to what is behind this aggression. Many posts seem to assume that discipline is ‘either / or’ with support and sensitivity. It isn’t.

This. He's struggling. Not that you can condone his behaviour of course. But he could feel he's being replaced with younger step-siblings on both sides. And it sounds like there's been a period of rapid change on his mum's side. 10 is very young. I would stay mindful of that.

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:28

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/10/2022 11:07

You have omitted the bit about your son throwing metal objects at DSS, which sparked the original confrontation.

tbf , I’m not surprised dSS just wants to avoid any more confrontations at your house. You said he was quiet and ‘ geeky’ , and you dismissed the hint that he was being bullied. So not a raging aggressor usually.

Just let him off this week. Let him come back when he feels he can cope with the family situation at your house. As the RC would say let him ‘avoid the occasion for offence’

I am well aware you won’t like this opinion.

You are such a gaslighting liar 😂

You are referring to the part on the other thread where I was explaining OH's defensive response to what DSS did. HE said that DSS was more likely to be bullied than bully anyone else, because he's geeky just like HE was when he was young.

It was part of a speal coming from OH to highlight how DSS isn't the sort to bully somebody.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:29

Not that you can condone his behaviour of course.

Actually - I can understand what's happening.

Mom and dad have both moved on and have whole new families. DSS feels like it's only him and DSD being left behind - because they're splitting their time and not really fully a part of either family. So, he feels like they have to have each other's backs as nobody else will, hence why he's so protective of his sister.

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:29

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:11

Has DSS spoken to DH or is this all coming from mom?

It's all coming from mum.

She said OH could call DSS and talk but then said he didn't want to speak to him.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:30

She said OH could call DSS and talk but then said he didn't want to speak to him.

I think she needs to tell DSS if he doesn't want to come he needs to tell dad

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 11:30

You can't expect a ten year old to act like an adult would.

You don't get that he's coping with a very autistic much younger sibling who he is expected to be understanding of at all times.

Kids can't and don't do that in the way that adults do.

You made excuses for your DS - he's yours and you see him as an infant due to his disabilities I get that - but your DSS simply won't see it the way you do.

Some time for everyone to cool down and regain equilibrium is probably very wise at this point.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 11:31

At 10 I wouldn't make him tell his dad either. I would step in and do that. I wouldn't at 13 but at 10, I would be that buffer for them.

Branleuse · 14/10/2022 11:32

I think let dss get on with it. He might feel that hes been too stressed with his brothers behaviour and cant deal with feeling like the bad guy. Even so, i dont think you were overreacting either. Anyone would have been upset about that surely.

Itll blow over.

Jackienory · 14/10/2022 11:33

CatchersAndDreams · 14/10/2022 09:00

I saw your thread and did agree with the general tone of the thread. I did think you were being a bit OTT with words such as assault etc.

On this thread I think your dh should let him crack on with his sulk. Have a lovely weekend without him. Mum will get tired of not having a weekend off soon enough and he'll be made to come back.

Don't pander to it. He was quite rightly told off.

How can you "make" him come back : shout at him some more, threaten him, stop him from seeing his friends, make him stand on the naughty step, don't talk to him ?.

My sister had a similar problem with her DSD. She was a bit older, 12. She was particularly objectionable which prompted her father to have a right ole go at her. That was it as far as she was concerned. He never saw her again after that, ever !. They tried everything to sort it out but the reality was they couldn't physically force her.

I bumped into her at Covent Garden Market the other day. She's grown into a striking young woman and just started at Imperal. We had coffee and a chat. I didn't mention her father and nor did she.

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:34

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:23

Out of curiosity, when you removed DS from the situation, where did you go?

I'm just thinking if he got removed and taken to the park, for example, whereas DSS got told off and left at home, you can understand him feeling hard done by.

I just took him down the road and we sat on a bench for a while until he'd calmed down enough to return home. Contrary to what some of these lot like to imply I never reward poor (throwing) behaviours from DS.

OP posts:
Foxesforme · 14/10/2022 11:34

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:29

Not that you can condone his behaviour of course.

Actually - I can understand what's happening.

Mom and dad have both moved on and have whole new families. DSS feels like it's only him and DSD being left behind - because they're splitting their time and not really fully a part of either family. So, he feels like they have to have each other's backs as nobody else will, hence why he's so protective of his sister.

Not sure why you quoted me like that? We basically made similar points 😂

Jackienory · 14/10/2022 11:35

Imperial, sorry typo.

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:35

@Foxesforme because I'm condoning his behaviour through 10 year old me eyes 👀

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 11:36

I can see why he feels - even now - that his response was entirely reasonable and rational

Louisa4987 · 14/10/2022 11:37

Probably not what you want to hear but this was how my DSS started the slippery slope to refusing to come to ours altogether. He was told off for bad behaviour (his was normally rudeness and violence towards his brother who isn't even half/step) and he began using it as excuses not to come which his mother loved because she enjoyed punishing DH. DSS hasn't visited us for a good few years now and has rewritten history about how DH and I were abusive and unpleasant towards him when actually he was quite an unpleasant young man and his father tried to parent him. He's now 16 and nastier than ever with real issues that his mother has enabled. DH continues to leave the door open for communication with him and DSS is always rude back. His mother palms him off anywhere and everywhere so she still gets child free nights every week and DH longs for his son back which is evidently never going to happen. There was nothing DH could do to parent him when his mother was happy for him to behave however he liked and actually quite relished the fact that DSS was badly behaved at our houseSad

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 11:37

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 11:30

You can't expect a ten year old to act like an adult would.

You don't get that he's coping with a very autistic much younger sibling who he is expected to be understanding of at all times.

Kids can't and don't do that in the way that adults do.

You made excuses for your DS - he's yours and you see him as an infant due to his disabilities I get that - but your DSS simply won't see it the way you do.

Some time for everyone to cool down and regain equilibrium is probably very wise at this point.

I don't know why people keep rehashing the same defence of DSS.

I'm aware he's only 10 and in a difficult position, I'm aware my DS can be an enormous pain. I don't want DSS to be further told off / punished / stay away / feel sad.

I want what happened to have a line drawn under it and for DSS to come home as he usually would.

OP posts: