DS is refusing to come back after being told off

[Whatodonow]

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

*change anything

Again, I don't agree with characterizing Op's DSS as ''violent'' and I don't agree that he's being ''allowed'' to be violent. It's incredibly disingenuous to frame this situation in such a reductive way, demonizing a child who is evidently struggling. A 10 year old also does not have the level of self regulation you seem to think is 'standard'. Least of all in the context OP has described. You also assume this child doesn't know what he did was wrong. His reaction tells me he very much does know it was wrong.

Op's DSS reminds me of a boy in my DD's class in primary school. Lovely little boy, soft as you like. When he was 8 he was sweetly dancing with my DD at her birthday disco having brought her flowers. They both were obsessed with their pet cats at the time. He was a model student, quiet boy who enjoyed sport and had immaculate manners. Then his Dad left his Mum for a ''exotic'' dancer he'd met. He had a new house, new ''Mum'' and ''sister''. Then his gran died. Then the exotic dancer fell pregnant. Then his Dad enrolled the ''sister'' into his school. This child's life had turned upside down. The sweet little boy I'd known for 7 years, wouldn't hurt a fly, little gentleman, was going around hitting boys at school, starting fights, he became extremely disruptive in class, lashing out - throwing things at the teacher and other students. Was this boy ''violent'' or ''bad'' - NO. This boy was overwhelmed by everything that happened in his life. He couldn't cope. He was 10 but did not have the emotional language to express what he was feeling and how difficult he was finding it. His behaviour said everything for him.

The school responded by punishing him, detentions, suspensions etc. Many of the parents were horrified at his behaviour, wanting their kids to be kept away from him. His Mum was distraught. His Mum took out of the school in the end and she moved out of the village they lived in (where the Dad had moved the exotic dancer into their former family home). His new school took a more understanding approach.

Fast forward to now - he is head boy in his school and doing very well. He's had a lot of help from his Mum and Mum's family, and he's come through it. I'm glad he was met with care, love and understanding not vilification and judgement. It's no doubt what got him through that very difficult period of his life. He and DD keep in touch on one of those social media apps. They mostly talk about their cats..

I’d let him sulk it out this weekend, let the message that he can’t hit his younger half sibling sink in. Then pick it up again the next time he’s due to visit.

Again, I don't agree with characterizing Op's DSS as ''violent'' and I don't agree that he's being ''allowed'' to be violent. It's incredibly disingenuous to frame this situation in such a reductive way, demonizing a child who is evidently struggling. A 10 year old also does not have the level of self regulation you seem to think is 'standard'. Least of all in the context OP has described. You also assume this child doesn't know what he did was wrong. His reaction tells me he very much does know it was wrong.

None of this is what I've said. I haven't labelled him as a violent delinquent or written him off as a person, as you seem to think, I've described this behaviour as violent, which hitting inherently is. And I've questioned the logic many on here have put forward that a 10 year old does not know not to hit children significantly younger than them because they are "not adults". I believe most do and this is well within what should be expected of children of this age. I don't believe their lack of emotional regulation goes so far that this is not knowledge they should have in their mind.

I'm not saying he doesn't know it was wrong. I'm disagreeing with other posters saying at his age, he shouldn't know it was wrong.

Technically by law your DSS did assault your DS. He is 10 which means he is legally an age of criminal responsibility however most kids fight but it’s just to make a point to people saying you were being OTT. You’re a protective mother of a young child with autism and it wouldn’t be normal for mumma bear to not come out!

In relation to this post, let the DSS sulk he’ll get over it. Maybe dad has never shouted at him like that before and he’s throwing his toys out the pram? discipline from parents shape a child for the future otherwise they become entitled brats. They need to know when their actions are wrong otherwise dad could be having the school on the phone because DSS has hit a child in school and DSS wouldn’t actually be in the wrong as he’s never been corrected on this behaviour. Try not to worry about it!

Your DSS is clearly upset.
what he needs to hear is that his Dad still loves him and will always love him.
his behaviour was bad, he was rightly told off, but now it’s time to move on.
i think he’s feeling very insecure and needs to be reassured that he is still loved.

Navigatingthroughlife · Today 09:15
Technically by law your DSS did assault your DS. He is 10 which means he is legally an age

No he didn’t. Apparently he was going to but OP’s DH stopped him.

DS went into an autistic meltdown, he threw a toy indiscriminately which landed about a metre away from DSD who was completely unbothered.

DSS leapt up from the sofa, grabbed DS by his jumper and went to punch him in the head/face.

OH shouted at DSS not to hit him.

Ds was on the floor throwing himself about at this point. He then threw another car towards DS, the second car was probably aimed on purpose.

So he “went to punch him in the head/face”.

”OH shouted at DSS not to hit him.”

OP’s stepson never did hit her son.

Definition states apprehend immediate unlawful violence so yes he did. As I said siblings fight regardless and it is one of them thing. But for people giving OP a bashing by technically by law that’s the case.

Definition states apprehend immediate unlawful violence so yes he did. As I said siblings fight regardless and it is one of them thing. But for people giving OP a bashing by technically by law that’s the case.

For goodness sake.

As if the police are going to get involved in a ten year old nearly but not hitting his brother.

Is everything ok at home for him? He has a new step dad and sibling on the way. That’s a big change for a child. If his behaviour was out of character then something else could be happening at home or school and it’s worth asking. Also, he has to apologise too and realise why he got told off.
some other replies on here are quite petty, especially towards a child

@BananaBlue this!!!

It’s a fact. Of course she’s not going to the police and this is about moving on however too many people are giving this OP a bashing for getting defensive over this situation. The OP is not in the wrong and I’m sure any of you who are parents would get defensive if your partners child went to hit your child with special needs. I feel too many people are being unnecessarily rude to the OP she literally asking how to move forward and being still continue to bash her. I’m sure the purpose of this is to offer advice and help not bash people.

This child’s parents have split and now have new partners and new younger children.
He must feel stressed by that.
What he needs is time occasionally with his Dad without an attention-seeking younger sibling around.
It is not Disney parenting. It’s just time between him and his Dad whom he doesn’t live with. Very natural. Can never understand why some new partners have such difficulty and jealousy with this.

Although you say you’re considering him having alone time with his Dad - so good for you and I think you would be right!

This thread is huge so my post may get lost. I have a thought that i haven't seen anyone mention.

I have one autistic ds and one NT DS.

Sometimes my NT boy gets hacked off with DS1's behaviours. We try to empathise and agree that sometimes it is annoying/frustrating to deal with yet another meltdown. We make it clear that ds1 can't help it but that we understand it's challenging as a sibling to deal with.

Maybe he's just fed up of having an autistic sibling. We find parenting ds1 takes every ounce of our energy so I can imagine it's the same for ds2

Sounds like maybe everyone overreacted. Your oh was right to tell him off but I am guessing there is some residual resentment that your ds is for good reason being treated differently. I would leave it for this weekend. Your dss will come round. But I think maybe his dad does need to spend a bit of time with him to work out how he feels about all the changes.

I'm hardly surprised DSS is acting like this.

In the last thread he had everyone labelling him a violent thug, his dad shouted at him while (in his eyes) his brother got away with being aggressive again.

Parents who come on here struggling with autistic and severely disabled children get nothing but kindness, support and empathy. But when a 10yo is struggling, then get called all the names under the sun and shouted at.

Nobody on your previous thread said that how DS behaved was acceptable. What they did say is that he's clearly struggling and needs some empathy from the adults in his life, not to be vilified because he lost his temper and lashed out.

I suspect he's feeling very powerless and scared and overwhelmed. He's only ten and his life is changing rapidly.

OP - I was on your other thread. Your DSS on that one went to hit your DS but was shouted at by your DP who was getting food out of the oven and your DS ( high needs ) was having a tantrum and threw something at your DSD.

Suddenly now he has grabbed him - you got people to call this child a thug, criminal but you were also told this is a 10 yr old struggling with 2 families that have moved on, both parents had more DCS and the old ones feel they are not welcome in either place.

He is not a thug, he did not assault your DS and he got told off by his DF. If you had your way he would have never entered the house again - something you quite clearly would have liked.

Siblings fight all the time - my DSs half sibling is 7 years younger than the eldest and he sure knows and has done since a toddler how to pull the faces, wind them up and then play innocent and the elders ones take some fairly serious provocation and hits.

The kid is sulking - normal behaviour for a child in trouble. Just goes on longer in a blended family. LEt him have his sulk this weekend and next week it is business as usual.

I find your posting on two threads with different nuances quite unsettling and all trying to justify your feelings about how your DSS is bad etc.

It happened he got told off, enough and let the kid sulk and move on in his time - without you winding the drama up and getting people on here to call him a criminal. He DID NOT hit his brother.

I followed your previous thread at the time but didn't post as others had said what I wanted to say and you were feeling sensitive and defensive.

But now you're asking again. So this is my advice FWIW.

It's not automatically Disney Parenting for your DP to take his son out on his own. Sometimes, doing that is good parenting.

For all you know while they're out one on one, your DP may be able to calmly raise a conversation about the incident last week or your DSS may pro-actively open up to your DP about it. They may be able to have a calm, organic talk about it in a way they couldn't if at home. I'd be doing that if I was your DP.

So in answer to your question, I think DP should see DSS one-on-one for now and I wouldn't force him to come. He may be sulking. He may feel ashamed. He may feel that it's just too painful to come to a place where most of the parenting energy has, by necessity, got to go to one child more than the others, and yet he's not allowed to express his anger about it.

He's ten and he's struggling. I'd support your DP in giving your DSS the space and one-on-one time he needs right now, not what you think he deserves.

What in the ever loving fuck are you talking about?

My version of events hasn't changed whatsoever.

DSS grabbed DS with one hand and raised the other in a clenched fist and went to punch him.

🤯

To clarify, DSS already does get ample 1-1 time with his dad. I know that isn't disney parenting.

Yes, this. Let him sulk. Perhaps it’ll enter his head that he won’t get his way through sulking and his behaviour isn’t acceptable