DS is refusing to come back after being told off

[Whatodonow]

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

DSD is coming yes although she's at an age now where she'd prefer to see her friends at the weekend, OH is worried that DSS making this stand might encourage DSD to think she doesn't need to come either.

I don't think that'll happen im sure it'll all blow over but it's uncharacteristic of DSS to not want to come so he's catastrophising a bit.

There has been plenty of times in the past where DSS has had to be told off, ditto my DS and DSD. I don't get why this occasion is so different.

I am wondering whether this shift in behaviour has anything to do with the situation at their mums, new father figure (I use that term loosely as he barely knows him) and a new baby on the way.

Leave him to it, your DH could say he will be at pick up to collect DSD, if DSS changes his mind, if not his wishes will be respected. Then go to the museum and have fun.

I had this with my eldest, and she threw a strop over something she had done and been told off for. We were all going to visit a museum exhibition that weekend and she refused, so we all went without her, had immense fun and I docked the ticket price from her pocket money. She only did it the once, and now years later, she desperately wishes she could be a part of family activities (she's away at university now), and thinks she was an utter brat when younger and is embarrassed by some of her shenanigans.

Don't let it become a big deal, say it's a shame and leave him to it. I am willing to bet mum is going to want a break soon and will at some point tell him off herself for something.

It may be that your step son is feeling very upset and vulnerable at the moment.
His mum has a new partner and is expecting a new baby.

You and his father have another child.

His parents split up.

To whom does he belong?
what is his place?
Does anyone love him or want him?

He is only 10.

He lashed out in a bad dangerous way.
To whatever the reason was, he now may feel ashamed.

He feels unloved and unlovable.

There are probably more undercurrents if hurt and pain here than meet the eye.

Might there be any chance of family therapy?

Please don’t see this little boy as being just the bad, sulking, bullying brat. That could be scape-goating.

Behaviour is communication.

There has been plenty of times in the past where DSS has had to be told off, ditto my DS and DSD. I don't get why this occasion is so different’
’DSC mother has a new-ish partner that has moved in and they're having a baby. DSS referred to him as his step dad a couple of times’

I’d say that your DSS may be feeling very unsettled. He has a new man living in his house who is having a new baby with his mother. Calling him his step dad doesn’t mean he adores him. It’s part of adjusting to the new situation and trying to finding a place for himself in it.

Do what you’ve been doing. Try to be consistent. Tell him you love him, you’re sorry he isn’t coming and you’ll see him next time.

Can't your DH involve his ex in this a bit more. Would it be possible for them to get together and talk to the boy together?

OP We're in dangerous territory atm as it very nearly slipped (back) into Disney parenting, OH offering DSS special treatment IE just the two of them go and do something together

Your OH should be trying to give special treatment to DSS and should be trying to do something special with just him. That isn't Disney parenting. It's normal parenting. He NEEDS to do it with ALL his kids though.

The longer the split the harder it is to resolve.

It also sets the boy up for being bad and just running back to his mum who panders to him probably because she knows her domestic situation is challenging for him and she’s over compensating (it’ll no be like that when he goes to hit HER baby though….).

Id suggest if the boy doesn’t want to stay it’s fine but he needs to tell dad that. Himself. In person or on the phone. So dad can be all calm and friendly as though no issue ever arose and say ‘that’s ok son you don’t have to come if you don’t want to but I love you and I thought we’d be doing our usual Friday stuff together on PlayStation’ (or whatever). (No drama. No fancy promises of exciting stuff which will teach the boy running back to mum makes dad spend money on me/take me places ergo it’s good to piss him off as I get stuff I like.)

Anyway, after the loving convo, the boy realises dads not angry and his house is normal and it’s probably be fine to go back, and potentially changes his mind. No drama or reference to what happened as it’s over and done with.

It would be good if he had someone to talk to. It’s hard for children to adapt to change but they are resilient and he will.

Your OH should be trying to give special treatment to DSS and should be trying to do something special with just him. That isn't Disney parenting. It's normal parenting. He NEEDS to do it with ALL his kids though.

I knew somebody would say something like this, I should have clarified here like I did in my other thread, he does do things 1-1 with him (and DSD)

What I was referring to was him doing that in direct response to what he did to DS. All that would do is teach him that if he hits his brother he gets more alone time with dad rather than working through an issue.

Has DSS recognised and apologised for HIS behaviour?

No apology forthcoming when he was here no. I assume he realises what he did was wrong though.

I think it's more complicated than sulking. I wonder if he's also a bit ashamed that he went to hot a vulnerable child. He does sound as if he's got big feelings that he's struggling with.
I'm torn on saying give him some space for the weekend against insisting he comes and Dad spends some time with him - not to apologise, but to help move things on. It's not rewarding him for poor behaviour, but part of the dynamics of blended families.

Definitely don’t apologise for the telling off - like someone else said leave the invitation open for him to join you but don’t pander to him. What he would have done to your son is extremely violent and worrying. He only stopped because your DH shouted at him. I think you need to take a form but fair stance with him - if you’ve moved past what he did tell him it won’t be discussed again but you don’t expect to see a repeat of it. He might be too embarrassed to come back and not know how to slot back in

All this, keep it low drama and the lines of communication open. Leave the door open “let me know if you change your mind about this weekend”. So DSS doesn’t feel like he’s painted himself into a corner

Instinct tells me Mum will change her tune if there’s a similar incident with the new baby at any point. Obviously she will think and say it’s different but it won’t be!

But big no to the Disney Dad route as it rarely ends well. He shouldn’t have threatened a sibling, he got reprimanded for it (rightly so and l as a child most likely would have got a punishment for it), now he’s annoyed for being told off and is sulking / stropping. No one made him threaten a child much younger than him, he ultimately chose to do that. I know siblings are annoying (mind certainly are!) but he can’t threaten people when they annoy him. He’s 10 so he knows that kind of thing isn’t acceptable. What’s the alternative? None of his bad behaviour is ever reprimanded?! But his siblings bad behaviour is?!?!

Good question. It’s quite telling that he hasn’t apologised

I do think you need to remember he's only 10. Siblings do fight and that's normal. Honestly I think you were a bit dramatic in your previous post about it and I think you're getting over involved now. Leave OH to decide what to do.

Also, sometimes you need to look at the root of a problem. It's not rewarding bad behaviour or Disney parenting to recognise when a kid is vulnerable and struggling and needs a bit extra support and care. It's, parenting.

You run the real risk of thinking that DSS is all grown up. He isn't.

I thought DH barely told DSS off? And you left so did DSS even know that he was in proper trouble?

How did the rest of that weekend go? Atmosphere, did DH tell him off again, or business as usual like it never happened?

considering what happened, is it possible that DS acted out of frustration and shocked himself?

Maybe he just isn’t coping with your DS needs, most kids cannot understand or vocalise their emotions worries easily.
Maybe he is worried new baby will be the same so he gets no reprieve at mums?

I’m not excusing what happened DSS was in the wrong.
I’m trying to understand what happened and effects.

Only once that’s been clarified can DH/Mum move to resolve.

DSC mother has a new-ish partner that has moved in and they're having a baby. DSS referred to him as his step dad a couple of times which hurt OH a bit as he barely knows him yet, so OH feels like he's being replaced.

Is anyone considering that DSs feels he is being replaced? A higher need younger child that his father parents full time, and now a new baby for his Mum?

10 is a really emotional confusing age for a child, growing out of being a small kid etc.

I honestly don’t know what is best in terms of the weekend but as well as obviously making it clear that hitting us not ok, the adults also need to pay attention to what is behind this aggression. Many posts seem to assume that discipline is ‘either / or’ with support and sensitivity. It isn’t.

This is an excellent post and made me rethink my earlier comment.

@SuperCamp I’d struggle with that level of change/disruption as an adult with control over my life which DSS doesn’t really have - bar not coming which isn’t good.

As you say what’s behind the behaviour/aggression? Does he need help to understand his feelings and coping mechanisms for dealing with it?

TBH I’m wondering if DH should spend a low key day/weekend with DSS - something calm like just watching telly but a space to have a chat.

It might seem like I'm overly involved as I'm posting about it but I actually don't get involved in these things IRL. I stay out of telling off DSC, always have.

I removed DS from the situation when it happened and took him out to give both boys some space.

I have considered that DSS could be feeling insecure about the new baby, new partner etc aswell as having a high needs sibling. I agree with those who've said that this is something that needs resolving rather than allowing it to drag on.

I'm not angry with DSS, I was upset at the time but kept that to myself. I want him here as much as OH does.

Child contact arrangements are for the child’s benefit not the parents . If a child old enough to understand says they don’t want to go , they shouldn’t have to go. So where does that leave DH ? Well he just plays the long game I think , he calls DSS and says ‘we’re going to the (zoo, cinema , museum ?) this weekend and then Pizza Hut , are you coming? And if he declines leave him to it . He’ll soon get FOMO and want in on weekends again. If he begs or pleads it’ll create a power struggle and DS will use it as a stick to beat his dad with. ‘Give me my own way or else I’ll not come over’. Will lead nowhere good in the teenage years.

You have omitted the bit about your son throwing metal objects at DSS, which sparked the original confrontation.

tbf , I’m not surprised dSS just wants to avoid any more confrontations at your house. You said he was quiet and ‘ geeky’ , and you dismissed the hint that he was being bullied. So not a raging aggressor usually.

Just let him off this week. Let him come back when he feels he can cope with the family situation at your house. As the RC would say let him ‘avoid the occasion for offence’

I am well aware you won’t like this opinion.

Is this the one where the DSS (10) went to hit your 4 year old who was throwing things at his sisters face?

Sorry, I meant at his sister. I don’t get these useless and confusing abbreviations.

Leave him to sulk. He'll get over it pretty quickly.

Probably as soon as he hears about all the nice thinks you have been doing and eating while he's been sulking. 🙂