DS is refusing to come back after being told off

[Whatodonow]

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

DSS mother needs to explain to her son that he can't throw things etc it is out of order no matter how he is feeling. And she needs to encourage her son to go and see his father and stepmother and sibling. All of you need to work together in this one.

^I thought DH barely told DSS off? And you left so did DSS even know that he was in proper trouble?

How did the rest of that weekend go? Atmosphere, did DH tell him off again, or business as usual like it never happened?^

Hold on, I thought the whole point of the initial post was that DSS was barely told off?

As he wasn’t, it makes no sense to me that he isn’t coming due to being told off?

As asked, how did the rest of the weekend go?

I remember the original thread. And your DS(4) was throwing metal cars at your DSDs face. This is when your DSS stepped in to protect her?

I don't blame DSS to be honest. And I feel like your behaviour may alienate your DH and his children.

I wouldn't want to visit your house either. It doesn't sound safe or fun. And you don't sound like you like the step children very much- they probably know this.

You want what you want. And that's grand. You're entitled to want that.

DSS doesn't want the same as you. And he's entitled to that too.

I think you need to almost ignore this...

If he doesn't want to come then that's fine, his sister can come (if I've read that right), and you continue to go to the science museum as planned.

You have completely made that up.

Let him sulk, he will soon realise that is nearly Christmas and staying away might jepordise his Christmas present

Have I? @Aconitum

I'm sure that's what the previous thread was about!!

My bad!

So DSC were due to go back to their mothers house the evening that this all occurred so unfortunately it was left as a bit of a cliff hanger.

They come weds-fri one week, the next week fri-sun. Rinse and repeat. This week its supposed to be Fri-Sun.

I gave DSS a hug as he left as I always do when he comes to me for one.

OH told me that he apologised to DSS on the way home for shouting at him. (Which he was then going to do again when his ex said DSS didn't want to see him.

Whilst I wanted to discuss the incident later that eve with OH I was satisfied it had been dealt with and that would be it. There was never any question of him not coming back. It's his home.

I felt that as far as DSS was concerned it had happened and was over and that would be that.

Nobody expected this today.

Here we go another one talking bullshit.

He threw a flimsy plastic poundland car which landed approx 1m away from a completely unbothered DSD. He wasn't aiming that car at anybody.

Nobody here suggested that it's appropriate to throw things. You won't find anybody more sick of it than I am. I was upset because DSS reaction was totally OTT.

He should definitely not apologise for telling him off, that was the right thing to do.

I'd be feeling disappointed in the mum for not doing more to encourage the child to come. Not forcing him to come is fine if there isn't a good relationship, but he's refusing to come because he was told off by his dad for doing something wrong, so the mum is basically saying he can behave however he wants and being told off is wrong.

The dad should go to the child's house and actually see him in person just to say hello, have a hug, ask how his week has been going. If he still doesn't want to come then drop it this weekend but go back to normal arrangements afterwards.

To be fair you didn't correct anyone on the other thread when it was assumed to be metal cars.

Sorry yes, I read the cars were metal on your last thread!

Ignore me and apologies 🙂

They come weds-fri one week, the next week fri-sun. Rinse and repeat. This week its supposed to be Fri-Sun.

Can DH leave work early and collect them from school?

Thanks for explaining that OP.

Seriously from his impulsive action/the event to not wanting to come screams that he isn’t coping with having a disabled sibling + his changing home life.

He shouldn’t have gone for DS, I’m not saying that was excusable, it wasn’t.

BUT

I think you said DSS is the reserved sort? It’s possible he bubbled over saw red and shocked himself.

As adults we are advised to walk away for a bit when our DC get under our skin. Is he trying to remove himself?

I think the way forward is to explore what’s bothering him. I think some PP on other threads gave links for advice/help. Maybe NSPCC?

This is DH job to lead on this btw, you have enough on your plate.

I wonder if you realise exactly how ridiculous you sound.

A disabled 4 year old threw a car that went near his step sister. His much bigger brother would have punched him in the face if not prevented. And you post in favour of the bully.

Give your head several wobbles and stop being so daft.

On the other thread OP said DSS has a space away from her son when he has meltdowns. But DSS chooses to stay and watch.

@PurpleWisteria I'm not blaming the disabled 4 year old.

Nor am I blaming the 10 year old DSS.

I don't need to go away and give my head several wobbles thanks very much

I meant removing himself by not coming for contact.

Who knows why he doesn’t leave the room, maybe he is fascinated, taking notes as to how to calm his brother down, finds it funny, concerned for his brother, frozen in space, doesn’t want to miss his show, is waiting for DS to be removed

or maybe because he is 10 it doesn’t occur to him in the heat of the moment to remove himself.

asking him might be an opener into his feelings about the situation actually.

You most definitely do.

I definitely don't.

You are determined to ascribe adult behaviour to a 10 year old.

That's not fair.

Clearly it didn't come across to him as the hardly told off you paint it.

🤯

he’s ten, he knows his behaviour will get him favourable treatment and his parents running around after him trying to pacify him and offer him incentives.

kids of ten know how to play their parents. My three year old will try it on.

it’s on the child’s best interest to know he is loved, but bad behaviour will not be tolerated. I would step back and let him come or not. His mum will definitely be wanting a break from him soon enough.

What?

You're expecting a 10 year old to have the level of understanding and empathy of an adult.

If he feels unable to cope with being in your home, given what happened, then that seems to me to be a sensible choice.

There's nothing to indicate that it's a permanent decision.

I'm quite shocked by some of the comments here, though admittedly I didn't see the original thread..

I don't expect a 10 year old to have the maturity or control that an adult does, but i sure as hell expect them to know it's not okay to punch a small child in the face!!!

I know quite a few 10 years olds and literally NOT ONE would think it was okay to punch a 4 year old in the face, even if it was self defence! Funnily enough my just turned 11 year old got bitten by an autistic boy at school last week (I believe he is 4/5 years old) and, with his teeth sunk into her arm, didn't react violently towards him because she knows that you don't physically hurt small children!