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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DS is refusing to come back after being told off

181 replies

Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 08:49

I've name changed for this post as I got an absolute pile on when I spoke about the incident on the relationships board last week and I don't want any of those posters to follow me over here. Some of you will recall the discussion.

So in short DS (10) was told off by OH last week as he grabbed DS (4) and went to punch him in the head/face.

There wasn't really any consequences for it (I'm pointing that out so people know he isn't rebelling against an unfair punishment or anything like that) but OH did raise his voice at him (shouted don't you dare hit him) when he saw it happening and told him in no uncertain terms that he can't hit smaller disabled children, or anyone actually, that it was dangerous etc.

Fast forward to this weekend and DS is refusing to come back, his mum is saying she won't force him to come if he doesn't want to.

OH suggested he take him (DSS) out just the two of them if DSS doesn't want to be around DS or feels awkward coming here after the incident, DS is adamant he doesn't want to see him at all.

So WWYD in this situation? Should he be respecting DSS wishes? Do you think he should apologise for telling DSS off? I don't. All the children are treat the same and will be told off if they do something dangerous/naughty.

At a bit of loss now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 08:50

To correct an error - DSS is saying he doesn't want to see OH

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 14/10/2022 08:53

I'd say ok and let him stay with his mum this weekend.
He is sulking. Let him.

Cazziebo · 14/10/2022 08:54

No, he doesn't apologise for the telling off. Yes, he makes every effort to see him and perhaps just the two of them might be a good way to clear the air.

I found both of my DCs went through stages of not wanting to go with their dad - probably from age 10 onwards. I insisted they did - mainly because I needed the break! - but also because it was important to me they maintained a relationship.

YoSofi · 14/10/2022 08:55

Let him sulk. Do not pander to him, and definitely do not apologise - he cannot behave like that, and it’s a lesson he needs to learn quickly.

quietnightmare · 14/10/2022 08:56

Tough one. If you let him sulk this weekend does that mean to him he can sulk and get what he wants or do you force him to come and show him he can't sulk and get what he wants and faces his issues head on? Can you suggest a phone call with him to explain that what has happened has happened and it is time to move on and you all would love to see him this weekend

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 08:57

I do feel like it's a case of DSS just sulking and he'll probably be fine by next week, but OH is pretty cut up about it and feels like its the start of him not seeing his son anymore.

It sounds quite dramatic on his part but DSC mother has a new-ish partner that has moved in and they're having a baby. DSS referred to him as his step dad a couple of times which hurt OH a bit as he barely knows him yet, so OH feels like he's being replaced.

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria · 14/10/2022 08:58

No apology. DSS deserved more than just a raised voice.

Leave him to sulk.

Don't let DH run round after him trying to be Disney dad. Ignore the lad until he realises the error of his ways,

CatchersAndDreams · 14/10/2022 09:00

I saw your thread and did agree with the general tone of the thread. I did think you were being a bit OTT with words such as assault etc.

On this thread I think your dh should let him crack on with his sulk. Have a lovely weekend without him. Mum will get tired of not having a weekend off soon enough and he'll be made to come back.

Don't pander to it. He was quite rightly told off.

Isaidnoalready · 14/10/2022 09:00

I wouldn't pander to it tbh if I was the mum I would be reinforcing that you cannot hit younger children

How would she feel if he goes for the new baby she is having?

Actions have consequences send the message your disappointed you love him and hope to see him soon

SoupDragon · 14/10/2022 09:03

Does the mum know why he was told off?

i do think you (well, DH really) need to respect his wishes for now. However, don't give up and keep offering to meet him 1-1 to clear the air.

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 09:07

Yes the general tone on the thread was that I was overreacting. I was quite upset about it but I stayed completely out of it. I just removed DS from the house as tensions were obviously running high between them and I didn't want him to get hurt. I left the discipline to OH who was satisfied he'd dealt with it appropriately (posters agreed that he had)

We've had the week to get past it and get past it I have. I certainly don't want it to cause a divide like this. I want DSS here. Incident aside DS adores DSS.

At the same time I stand by the fact he needed to be told off for what he did. I have friends who would have been much more strict about something like that, their DC would have lost privileges or had devices taken away. DSS just got told off that's literally it.

He had no punishment here and definitely none at his mums. I don't know why he's dragging it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 09:07

SoupDragon · 14/10/2022 09:03

Does the mum know why he was told off?

i do think you (well, DH really) need to respect his wishes for now. However, don't give up and keep offering to meet him 1-1 to clear the air.

Yes it was all explained to her when DSC went back to her house afterwards.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 14/10/2022 09:08

Isaidnoalready · 14/10/2022 09:00

I wouldn't pander to it tbh if I was the mum I would be reinforcing that you cannot hit younger children

How would she feel if he goes for the new baby she is having?

Actions have consequences send the message your disappointed you love him and hope to see him soon

This. Pandering to him wouldn’t be helpful. He doesn’t deserve an apology?! Learning actions have consequences is an important life lesson.

RudsyFarmer · 14/10/2022 09:10

I agree he is sulking. If he’s mother was helpful she’d back up his fathers admonishment and tell him he has to go. And absolutely no he shouldn’t apologise. Violence is never acceptable.

lisaJN1986 · 14/10/2022 09:10

Leave the lad to strop. Tell him and his Mum 'oh what a shame we are off to a theme park this weekend but never mind the boy will have to miss out if he doesn't want to come'
Tell your DH not to worry. The Mum will want a break soon enough and her new man will get sick of the kid being there every single weekend and will want him to go to his Dads house, especially when his new baby arrives.
Your stepson will inevitably eventually fall out with the new stepdad and ask to live at yours permenantly anyway so enjoy a nice weekend without him and your DS can look forward to a punch free weekend too.

RudsyFarmer · 14/10/2022 09:10

*his

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 09:16

I agree he's sulking.

It was the type of incident that could happen with siblings too, and they get told off. The difference is that they can't brood as long because family life goes on!

I think he should see his dad, even if it's a day trip this weekend. You want to get back to normal as soon as possible.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 09:18

Actually, could you do something like go to the zoo?

Something where you can all be there but occasionally split up, there's a bit more space etc. And he decided at the end whether to go back to mum's or home with you.

SoupDragon · 14/10/2022 09:21

He could be embarrassed by his behaviour rather than straight sulking.

Original poster
Whatodonow · 14/10/2022 09:23

We're actually scheduled to go to a science museum, something planned weeks ago with DSS in mind as he loves that stuff. Absolutely loves it. He isn't budging.

We're in dangerous territory atm as it very nearly slipped (back) into Disney parenting, OH offering DSS special treatment IE just the two of them go and do something together.

That's not how you deal with an issue like this is it? Frustratingly I'm equally as complicit as I was all for him going out with DSS to do something together without the others if it meant OH would see him.

DSS has got everybody wrapped round his finger at the minute. OH is fretting, I'm concerned, DSS mum seems to be encouraging the strop.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2022 09:25

Is DSD still coming? Let DSS have a sulk. Don’t offer fancy alternatives like days out, that risks setting a precedent. I don’t think I commented on the last thread but I did read it all and was completely on your side. All of the children are equally important so one’s strop over being pulled up on unacceptable behaviour shouldn’t set a different tone where his wants come above anyone else’s needs - not least being safe.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2022 09:26

X post on your update. Hold firm. And remind DH in pretty clear terms that he’s on a path to letting all the DC down by taking this weak line.

Justtobeclear · 14/10/2022 09:30

We’ve had this a few times and now we just leave him to it. It maybe a different situation here as his mum encourages him to refuse to see his dad - they have very different parenting styles and DSS (nearly 10) is an only child when with his mum so he gets a very different lifestyle there. He eventually came back when he realises that he is going to miss out on something or his mum has said no to him! DH used to try but there was always so much drama around it. Now he just says I will be at pick up from school/mums house at the agreed times/days and will wait for 15minutes. If you don’t want to come then that’s up to you but I won’t force you. It has only happened once since we started and he still got in the car at the next pick up.

focuspocus · 14/10/2022 09:31

I remember the thread and didn't understand the pile on. A 10 year old was about to properly punch a 4 year old which he would have done had he not been stopped. I just cannot imagine any ten year old I know behaving that way to a much younger child. That's quite scary. I don't think you or your DH have done anything wrong but it is a very tough situation to be in. DSS could do this every time he's not happy with being told off or stopped from doing something he wants. Will DSD come without her brother?

RadicalFern · 14/10/2022 09:33

Your poor OH, I can understand why he’s having such a rough time. I’d tell him that he’s a good dad to have told his son off, and is a good dad now to not pander to the sulk. His most important job to do if he loves his son is to raise him right, even when that’s hard, and not to let the boy grow up thinking that he can just do whatever he wants.

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