Leaving a child with step-parent overnight: what's the law?

[OneMoreNameForMe]

Hello,

If the parents of a child are separated, and both parents have re-married, what are the rules on leaving their child with one of their step-parents overnight (without the bio parent there)?

My friend is in this situation. Her child is being left overnight with stepmother as it's dad's night, but he's away. Friend has offered to have her child those nights, but dad won't agree.

Any advice/ guidance?

Why would you marry a man you trusted so little as to ever be aline with your son?

Agreed! Appalling!

I’m a stepmum and my DH is a stepdad to my kids so I can see both sides. Luckily we are all quite amicable so in this situation we would just be flexible and do what suits everyone best. For eg- I had to go away for work, I told exH that I was away but the kids were welcome to stay at my house with DH or go to him, whatever he/they preferred. In the end they did one night of each- no drama.

I wouldn’t have a problem with DC being with a stepparent overnight and I wouldn’t have a problem looking after my own SC over night without DH here (and often have). The parents just need to talk amicably about what works for everyone- if the child has expressed a preference I would just do that.

How is it that people keep missing that sm isn't dads girlfriend but his wife

The child wants to be with her mum. Mum is available. Dad is, seemingly very regularly, unavailable. It's not somehow different becasue dad is married. It's still a child being kept from spending time with their parent. It's still a child being forced to spend time with someone they'd rather not. And whilst I get, as parents, we frequently force our children to do things they'd rather not (like go to school), in this situation, there is absolutely no need for that to be the case.

And in answer to the question, if mum were regularly leaving a child with a step parent and dad was available to have the child and the child was expressing the preference, yes, I would say exactly the same.

@TimBoothseyes @Catfordthefifth

Why the need to jump on everything with "aha but is it fair on the father what about the mother"...

If it's time where one parent is unavailable - this is for significant time, not like a coffee with a friend - and the other parent and child would rather be together, then why not let them be? It makes no sense to me.

When DS' dad left I was v much primary care giver, toddler lived with me, but his dad would spend a couple of evenings a week with him. Those days were set, but if I was out I would another evening I would 100% offer that to him as additional time, because why wouldn't I? Good for child, good for parent.

Exactly this

Child maintenance aside, are their other implications of not being 50/50 in terms legal decisions etc? I can understand Dad not wanting to lose equal custody. And it's insidious isn't it. He's with Mom 7 days then Dad 7 days; then Mom 7 days×and Dad 1 then Mom 2 and Dad 4; then it's too much tooing and frooing so now it's Mom 10 days and Dad 4. Suddenly that's his main home and Dad's someone he sees every few weeks.

That wasn't what I was getting at. People keep referring to sm as the gf which is vastly different to wife (someone who has legally joined the family unit therefore it's in the child's best interest to have a good relationship with)

If the spit is amicable sure- would happily have Dc if her dad wasn't available, and I certainly don't think sm has to spend time with Dc as babysitting. But if that's what her dad wanted and sm was agreement while heartily, I wouldn't say anything. His time, is relationship with her will be impacted not mine. It's not my seeds to sow and reap.

That said this type of question is rarely asked by people who have a amicable split so the above seems unlikely to apply iMO.

It really is best that actually people accept the family unit is now two and the other house you can't control, and it will only make people lose the will to live to keep trying to control another house. I say that as a mum who's been there done that.
It's one of the downsides of splitting up.

step mum as a title has no legal status whatsoever when it comes to someone else's children. You're kidding yourself with that one.

His time, is relationship with her will be impacted not mine. It's not my seeds to sow and reap

On an everyother weekend basis, fine. On a 50/50 basis where the child is left with the step mum every week (which seems to be what the OP is saying), that's very different.

You think that a child having a main home is something to be prevented?

@Givenuptotally the thing is when you split as much as parents you try to minimise the splits impact it has one.

If I flip this situation around and it's mum and she's leaving Dc with her new DH SD to work ect I can also see why she wouldn't suddenly be happily giving away 50/50 contact to dad.

Truth of the matter is we only have mums side of this. We don't know if he's away for all of the time that's his allotted contact because mum won't have a clear or unbiased view on it (let alone the Chinese whispers effect this info has come through a friendaka Op) sm could be looking after them after school until he's back at 6pm. Meaning sm is facilitating contact so her husband does get to see his kids at the end of day in the evening.

I wouldn't knock a mum for not working school friendly hours, I can't knock a dad for the same. I don't think that we have enough information to say either way because in blended families situations like this aren't so ok dads not here back to mum you go for various reasons

I speak as a sm and I want my DSC to feel welcome, i recognise she's not here to see me but if me watching her for a hour or so enables my DH to have contact in the evening and helps maintain their relationship, I will do it. I will also do it because I want a relationship with her and although not mum am another person whom belongs to this house we call home.

Ah yes let the mother pick and chose if she fancies having her child. And the SM just needs to make herself available for however the wind blows on that particular evening for the BM. That's a nice thought for the child, Mummy kept me last week but this week she can't/won't.

Or, both parents just accept that due to one or both of their actions the original family unit is separated and with that comes consequences. The most important thing for the children is to have routine and continuity. Time with both families and perhaps even half siblings is extremely important. Passing two and from parents based on the parents availability sends the wrong message. Clearly these parents can't agree as there is an order (assuming that based on fathers refusal). So negotiations will probably be inflamed and more detrimental than sticking to what's been agreed.

OP your friend needs to support her child with her relationship with the SM and only intervene if their is a genuine concern about the child's well being.

@roseheartfly erm no.

The bio parent whose contact time it is offer the other bio parent first refusal to have their child if they can't. If the other bio parent (regardless of sex) is unavailable then they arrange their own childcare.

This is about the child's needs and wants, when they are expressing a preference to be with their bio parent of alternatives why should both parents try and accommodate that.

Why get a court order stipulating you want xyz then regularly work away on that time?

Shock horror in this particular situation the Dad could ask the bio Mum to swap days and put the child first.

Perhaps the child finds 2 nights (likely 3 days) difficult without either bio parent. The way to them building a closer relationship with either step parent is by not forcing one time together.

Step parents are not permanent once the relationship breaks down, the relationship is dependent on the relationship of two adults surviving. One of those adults having committed to someone enough previously to have a child/ children with them.
my friends sister is getting married for a fourth time that’s two ‘step fathers’ come and gone and not family members any more. Some people marry fast and the op said her friends child is very young, I’m picturing pre school.
Real parents are permanent or at least stand a higher chance of being permanent.

They have agreed 5p/50so surely the child has two equal homes, as per their choice. Not one main home and one place they visit occasionally

@itwasntmetho not all situations are the same.

I know of children brought up solely by a former step-parent. In the case of younger children it is because neither parent are suitable, while in the case of older children it's their choice. It can also happen, like in my extended family, due to death of both parents the best carer who agreed to care worked out to be a former step-parent.

Someone I know never sees her former step-fathers, there as her own partner sees one of his former step-mothers regularly.

Then myself and other people I know end up having an ongoing relationship with a former step-parent due to half-siblings. There as other former step-parents step back completely once their children are teenagers. They allow them to sort out seeing their adult half-siblings without their involvement and outside their home.

You clearly didn't read my PP. I was given 80/20 custody of my DSD when her dad left us (we had 100% custody at the time), so neither of her parents where permanent, just little ole me, the unimportant SM.

Yes I did and it wasn’t relevant. You are one person, yours is one experience.
My response was to all of the people saying this is not dads gf it’s a wife.
in many relationships people can marry very fast and the marriage doesn’t guarantee longevity.
A child doesn’t become up for grabs and their parents suddenly become unsuitable just because a parent re married. That spare mum or dad isn’t a need or all children would be allocated spare parents just in case someone found their parent not suitable. I’d question whether anyone pushing for enforced separation of a child and their actual parent for the sake of that separation rather that the sake of the child being with their other parent had the child’s interests at heart.
i couldn’t imagine going away for two days and nights and denying my child the option of being with their dad when the child and dad are both asking for that. It feels petty.
i actually broke up with someone last year because he spoke about his ex in the way the mother here has been spoken about as if she was on a power trip every time she asserted herself above he’s mother or sister where their daughter was concerned, this guy was even up for me looking after the child over her mother!
it wasn’t an attractive trait to see someone so controlling that his main concern was “it’s not her time” before his dd, he tried to bring me on in the conversation like my word would have been more valid that of his dd or her mum 😮 tried to surround himself with people who agree with him like that proves her wrong.
He was lovely to me, still making an impression on me he didn’t realise how ugly his controlling behaviour made him. 🚩🚩🚩

Yes I did and it wasn’t relevant. You are one person, yours is one experience.
My response was to all of the people saying this is not dads gf it’s a wife.
in many relationships people can marry very fast and the marriage doesn’t guarantee longevity.

If you take words out of context you often get wrong end of stick.

My point I said about people purposely mislabeling sm as gf rather than a wife was made because it is meant to diminish the need for people to develop a bond with sp. Rightly or wrongly they now are a family unit inclusive of the DSC and if they are to live in one home together it's probably best they don't live as strangers and get on.

How many times is it echoed on here to step parents "this is DSC home, they are your family" and "clearly you hate your DSC"

That's not to say that sm or sp is a replacement mum or dad, or that the child needs a extra mum or dad although as pp stated it does happen due to circumstances.

Also of course people understand that marriages don't last - this is the step parenting board most people wouldn't be here if the first marriage hadnt failed. That's not to say that the first marriage was rushed all any subsequent are (because it would be offensive to suggest that to anyone).

But just because a former marriage doesn't work, doesn't mean people should say ah no point you spending time with your sp because the marriage isn't likely to last.. it's that type of thinking that puts children in loyalty bind because they don't believe they have the right to like sp if their parent is uttering oh well dads marriage won't last so don't worry about her.

Tbh again I don't know why you mentioned your ex tbh. I certainly wouldn't find a man who speaks badly about his ex attractive, as I have my own eye and ears and brain I like to make choices independently. That said no one has more "claim" over a child regardless of title and as a mother I know the more people who love my Dc the better.

I think it's boils down to if the first marriage split was amicable. If it was, you don't often find people saying "my time" but then on the flip side you don't see people trying to control what goes down in the others house either.

@OneMoreNameForMe

The dad away no need for the DC to be with the SM.

Nothing worse than being left with SP when your meant to be having time with your DF.

The DF needs to be there so should say it's cancelled. Sad for her DC but he needs to not be away. He needs to find time for his DC the SM won't fill his place.

@OneMoreNameForMe

Best DC left with mum if shared care he shouldn't be away leaving that DC with his DW.
As a BM would say no and keep DC home. Shared care and your not there ridiculous.

@RandomMess @Ithurtbad we don't know exactly what In happening in dad's home.

We have a second hand account from the mother via a small child.

My own child and other small children I know who have/had a wide vocabulary early, aren't good at stating facts and aren't aware of time.

(I've just spent the entire summer pointing out that even though it is light at 7pm it isn't the middle of the afternoon like my DD thinks.)

So we have no idea whether Dad is away for 2 hours or 20 hours.

And to be fair if the OP poses questions like that then dad will turn around and tell his ex to f off and keep her nose out of his household's business. And unfortunately for the child's mother the Courts will ignore her about this.

Contact/custody is for the child to be with mum or dad, so if mum or dad isn't there, then the child should be with the other parent.

So neither parent should work if it's their "time" with the child? How does that work in school holidays then?