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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Leaving a child with step-parent overnight: what's the law?

214 replies

OneMoreNameForMe · 29/09/2022 14:32

Hello,

If the parents of a child are separated, and both parents have re-married, what are the rules on leaving their child with one of their step-parents overnight (without the bio parent there)?

My friend is in this situation. Her child is being left overnight with stepmother as it's dad's night, but he's away. Friend has offered to have her child those nights, but dad won't agree.

Any advice/ guidance?

OP posts:
Summerholidays2022 · 29/09/2022 16:52

If the father can’t look after the child and the mother can the child should be with their mum if they prefer

Sirzy · 29/09/2022 16:52

Child sulking about not being allowed on an iPad doesn’t make anything illegal or even wrong!

i actually think the fact that she isn’t willing to give in to be seen as the “nice step mum” is a good sign!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/09/2022 16:53

Sirzy · 29/09/2022 16:52

Child sulking about not being allowed on an iPad doesn’t make anything illegal or even wrong!

i actually think the fact that she isn’t willing to give in to be seen as the “nice step mum” is a good sign!

I agree, she is parenting!

JOFFCV · 29/09/2022 16:55

Summerholidays2022 · 29/09/2022 16:52

If the father can’t look after the child and the mother can the child should be with their mum if they prefer

I agree. The Father is not losing out as he is not there.

justusandmoo · 29/09/2022 16:57

Seems I'm on my own with this one but if my ExH is away my daughter always come to me and works the same the other way around. She's close to both her step parents but the default for us is always the other biological parent.

Different if I'm just working late or on a night out but overnights she'd always go to the other parent. Never considered doing it differently tbh 🤔

EllaPaella · 29/09/2022 17:11

I would have thought that it was in the child's best interests to stay at home with it's own mother if the father was away and not able to spend time with them. But this so often comes down to selfish parents- Dad doesn't want to negotiate, compromise or have any flexibility so insists child stays at his house even when he's not there. At the very least give the poor kid the choice where they'd rather be.

LMB0716 · 29/09/2022 17:12

It seems like sometimes step parents can’t win. If the question was about the dad working while having the child, everyone would say it’s on his time so his responsibility to sort child care. He’s done that but somehow it’s still wrong.
I have a step daughter, we’ve had her 50/50 since she was 2 (my husband without me before that) and if he is working (works shifts including nights) she just stays with me. It wouldn’t even cross her mother’s mind to complain. And I would never send her home to her Mam because her dad is at work. Over the years this has helped to create an unbreakable bond between us. She can come to me for anything, tell me anything, and is always welcome here any time. We’ve had girly nights, cinema trips, I took her to her first ever concert, I took her prom dress shopping and whatever else she needs.
In the beginning, yes she would have preferred to be her her Mam. Yes she stropped over the I pad, didn’t like her earlier curfew and moaned about my cooking because she only wanted chips. But over time we became close, and it has meant of both parents were unavailable she’s always had an extra person to step in who she is more than happy to be left with.
There is nothing wrong with having extra people to love a child, your friend should allow that relationship to develop.

SpringCalling · 29/09/2022 17:18

I always give DD's dad first choice to have her if I will be out, but TBH I'm not sure it did her good for a few years. She never had babysitters and so was quite wary of being anywhere other than her mum or dads house. Although she wanted to do sleepovers earlier, it wasn't until she was 10 that she felt able to. I know SM in dads house is different, but I do think allowing her to experience others looking after her is helpful.

missbipolar · 29/09/2022 17:22

It's up to the parent who has the child at the time who looks after the child.

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 29/09/2022 17:25

I disagree with majority too. Child should be with biological parent. Child wants it, mother wants it. Seems uncompromising bordering on controlling of the Dad to keep them apart and insist child is in the care of a step mother.

IMO Parenting should be done by parents not girlfriends boyfriends new partners etc.

liveforsummer · 29/09/2022 17:25

Definitely no law - at least he's leaving someone responsible in charge while he's away. My ex makes a fuss about never swapping weekends as he misses his dc too much then spends his contact time in bed all day or leaves them alone while he goes out to work 🙃

liveforsummer · 29/09/2022 17:27

Also in the case of the OP perhaps dad and SM are trying to build a stronger bond between dc so have decided on that grounds for them to spend some quality time while dads away

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 17:29

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 29/09/2022 17:25

I disagree with majority too. Child should be with biological parent. Child wants it, mother wants it. Seems uncompromising bordering on controlling of the Dad to keep them apart and insist child is in the care of a step mother.

IMO Parenting should be done by parents not girlfriends boyfriends new partners etc.

Op said the parents had both remarried. So it’s not a girlfriend or new partner.

fluffinsalad · 29/09/2022 17:32

The child should go back to the mother. I dont care about titles that are won through marriage.

If the Childs father is not about and the child wants to go home to its mother and the mother agrees then that should happen.

Sounds like the father loves to play the control game.

fluffinsalad · 29/09/2022 17:33

liveforsummer · 29/09/2022 17:27

Also in the case of the OP perhaps dad and SM are trying to build a stronger bond between dc so have decided on that grounds for them to spend some quality time while dads away

So its being forced. Yay that sounds like fun.

liveforsummer · 29/09/2022 17:36

Not forced but he done s of it. Child is just a little more reluctant because last time he wasn't allowed free use of his iPad. Not forced just a preference by a child who isn't old enough to make those decisions for themselves yet

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/09/2022 17:36

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 29/09/2022 17:25

I disagree with majority too. Child should be with biological parent. Child wants it, mother wants it. Seems uncompromising bordering on controlling of the Dad to keep them apart and insist child is in the care of a step mother.

IMO Parenting should be done by parents not girlfriends boyfriends new partners etc.

Don’t most parents use some form of childcare- after school/before school care, nanny helping with school pick ups, childcare swopping with friends. isn’t children occasionally being cared for by a safe and familiar other adult fairly normal/standard?

it’s a nice aim to always have a child, especially a small one, with their biological parent. But insistence on having the child with a biological parent, over such a minimal amount of time with someone else , may well cause more issues (arguments about contact time, insisting mum gives the child to dad if she wants to have someone else watch them etc) that cause more harm than a night at dads with his girlfriend/wife.

Kattekit · 29/09/2022 17:47

Only if every time the child’s mum is going to leave the child she gives Dad first choice to be with him as opposed to anyone else.

At a guess that’ll be no chance and it’s only different because it’s stepmum.

What if it was gran or Aunt? I’m guessing it would be ok then.

It’s not just dads new partner they are married and stepmum will be playing a part in the child’s life, if she refused she’d be a monster! It’s so hard to be a step parent

RedWingBoots · 29/09/2022 17:49

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 29/09/2022 17:25

I disagree with majority too. Child should be with biological parent. Child wants it, mother wants it. Seems uncompromising bordering on controlling of the Dad to keep them apart and insist child is in the care of a step mother.

IMO Parenting should be done by parents not girlfriends boyfriends new partners etc.

So you disagree with the Family Court then.

SeasonFinale · 29/09/2022 17:53

Child is now apparently no longer quite young but old enough to say she wants to stay with her mum and can be in a strop about not being allowed on the ipad.

Is the care also 50/50 and Mum wants to redress this so she can claim maintenance from the father?

I still take the view that during the father's contact time it is up to him how he arranges for his child to be cared for whether that is by his wife, the child's stepmother and when it is the mother's time the it's up to her. The child expressing a preference due to screen time is irrelevant and if the mother really is seeking to find out "what the law is" then perhaps the child would be better off with the father full time.

gogohmm · 29/09/2022 17:54

No rules and your friend is being unreasonable. A custody agreement is in place, unless there's safeguarding reasonable the dd can stay with her stepmother, many kids do usually due to work.

It's in the child's best interests to have a good relationship with all 4 adults in her life and for those adults to be amicable, she has got many years of this ahead, why make it more difficult.

Ours are adults now , but im here with dsd, she chose to live with us. Im the one home

RedWingBoots · 29/09/2022 17:55

@JOFFCV I'm a step-mother and was a step-child who was looked after by one of my step-mothers.

My step-mother, like any step-parent, had no legal responsibility to care for me if she didn't want to. She chose to to help my parents out.

You chose to help your DH out, but unlike him and your SC's mother it wasn't your legal responsibility to take care of your SC. (Obviously once you are taking care of them then you are responsible for them.)

Oh and the original question was on the legalities of a step-parent choosing to look after their step-child when their parent wasn't bust.

mantequilla · 29/09/2022 17:55

missbipolar · 29/09/2022 17:22

It's up to the parent who has the child at the time who looks after the child.

I agree with this.

itwasntmetho · 29/09/2022 17:57

I've never seen a thread on here where there is as much forced bonding between a child and their Mum's new husband as I see between child and Dad's new wife.

Why can't step Mothers be a nice person in the family like aunty figures, why do they need "unbreakable bonds" and prom dress shopping?

As a side I remember my friend being quite upset that her ex's wife took her daughter prom dress shopping.

If I have plans I ask my childs Father first before anyone else.
In terms of rules though if the Dad is away for the weekend or something then no she does not have to hand her child over to the Dad's wife, because Mum has PR, Dad's wife doesn't unless that has been legally given and that isn't something that could have happened behind her back. I probably wouldn't cause a scene by turning up to collect the child tough if Dad is collecting spending time with and then heading off.

justusandmoo · 29/09/2022 17:59

gogohmm · 29/09/2022 17:54

No rules and your friend is being unreasonable. A custody agreement is in place, unless there's safeguarding reasonable the dd can stay with her stepmother, many kids do usually due to work.

It's in the child's best interests to have a good relationship with all 4 adults in her life and for those adults to be amicable, she has got many years of this ahead, why make it more difficult.

Ours are adults now , but im here with dsd, she chose to live with us. Im the one home

Even if the child openly says that they want to be with their mum? I don't think I could ever force my step daughters to stay with me when they are saying this and I love them dearly!

By the same logic I'd hate to think of my daughter wanting to be with me if her Dad isn't around and being told no .