Leaving a child with step-parent overnight: what's the law?

[OneMoreNameForMe]

Hello,

If the parents of a child are separated, and both parents have re-married, what are the rules on leaving their child with one of their step-parents overnight (without the bio parent there)?

My friend is in this situation. Her child is being left overnight with stepmother as it's dad's night, but he's away. Friend has offered to have her child those nights, but dad won't agree.

Any advice/ guidance?

Unless she thinks the step mom is abusive, the Dad has the right to leave his child with whomever he sees fit when it's his time.

If the Dad expected to drop the kid back whenever he was out of the house and expected the Mom to just have him he'd be ripped apart for not sorting his own childcare. He has. End of.

If Mom is unhappy with the custody arrangement she needs to take it to court

Pretty sure in my CAO it states that if one of us cannot care for DC then the other gets first refusal.

All I was saying was if the Father was out and the child wanted to be with their Mother then I would not take it upon myself to override what they wanted.

If Mum had plans I would have happily had SC.

@JOFFCV you sound lovely

His girlfriend is babysitting whilst his wife sits at home alone or whilst dad has alone time with his wife. Bit odd getting his gf to babysit when he's married.

Wife, sorry, is babysitting. Not girlfriend. Does it matter?

False equivalence. The Father will be away, she's asking for time that he's not using.

This woman already facilitates the Father as he has 50:50 usually.

Is this a new work pattern?
If not the time to really discuss the nights away was when the contact was agreed.

@itwasntmetho she wanted to go prom dress shopping in a group with her friends and her biological mother was working that day so couldn’t go. Her mam asked me to take her. I would never try to replace her mother, but it’s always nice to have another adult who loves the child to step in when needed, like an auntie as you suggested. She has lived in my house 3/4 days a week for the last 14 years, I think it’s important to foster a relationship for the early stages, otherwise it would be a most unpleasant place to live.

I love that you used this phrase @ZeroFuchsGiven it took me back

Seems strange to have 50/50 if Dad isn't available 2/7 nights. I can't imagine insisting my DD stay at home if I wasn't there, cared for by someone else, because it was ''my time'' particularly when she'd expressed preferring to be with Dad. What on earth would forcing her to stay with someone else achieve other than to enforce my territorial right to ''my time''... I can't imagine ever being so petty and selfish.

@OneMoreNameForMe there's no law one way or the other, this is one of those things the courts would expect adults to behave rationally and reasonably about.. sadly, not always the case. Some parents perceive a divorced child's life being akin to a cake that gets cut into 2 portions. God forbid the other parent gets a crumb more than their entitlement, better the rest goes to waste.. 🙄

I think it's normal for the Mum to want her child home if biological Dad is unavailable. Especially if DD is young and wants to stay with a parent. I don't think it's anti step parent - it just makes sense if the child wants to stay home 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah, of course she is 😉

Yes, some strange responses on this thread.

I hope not that was one of the reasons my dss was removed from his mums care

With us the DdMs dad would ask me first if he couldn't be around on his night with them. If I couldn't do it he would make his own provision (over which obviously I had no say). Worked well for us.

@Sellorkeep your situation is exactly what would happen if we asked DSSMs mum to have them on one of our nights for any reason. Further than that, when I have them on my own if he has to go away for work once in a blue moon, she then kicks up and says he is showing he doesn't want them/can't cope with them, and has on occasion refused to send them for our next allotted nights on that basis. (She is happy to take the huge amount of child support she receives, enabled by the job he does which requires him to go away for a night maybe 3 times a year however).
We have a joint lives with order. She doesn't even have any more legal responsibility for them than DP does- a fact which she can't get her head around.

It's an ongoing nightmare and for no other reason than she decided she didn't want DP in their lives and does everything she can to attempt to erase him. Fortunately she didn't get as far as she wanted with this in court-but she breaks the court order frequently so it will end up back there. I just don't understand the mentality of it.

For the purposes of the thread in these types of situations it's easier and better for the step mum or whoever to look after the kids and maintain the routine. If it's more amicable as in my own divorce then the 'bio' parent (hate that term) should be given first refusal I think-but in those circumstances it's just an easy conversation and no bother either way.

You know I find these comments from certain regulars saying that mum should have DC (because she wants them) and shouldn't be with sm because dads working incredibly ironic given on another historic thread these same posters said Sm should babysit DSC, it was their home , obviously disliked her sc and was actively pushing them out because mum didn't want them on her night and dad was working and couldn't take them.

It seems it's down to how mum feels depends on variation of which way people side 😵‍💫

My response is the same if sm is happy to have them there's no law to stop dad from leaving Dc with mum or anyone actually. If mum wants them then personally I would just let her have them. However if mum didn't want dsc and sm also didn't want to babysit, it would be down to the parents (both mum and dad) to agree on suitable childcare.

You know I find these comments from certain regulars saying that mum should have DC (because she wants them) and shouldn't be with sm because dads working incredibly ironic given on another historic thread these same posters said Sm should babysit DSC

equally, step mums have a chorus of 'it's not your problem' if a favour relating to babysitting is sometimes needed by dad (let alone mum). So there is huge irony there that suddenly step mums think they should be looking after their step children.

It is a pretty shit outcome for any child that they are not allowed to spend time with a parent when a parent is available to spend that time with them.

This is wilfully misinterpreting the issue.

Iirc in the other thread SM was refusing to look after the child while the child was staying at hers and the child’s Dad (and Mum) were at work.

In this thread Mum is free and wants the child but Dad and SM are refusing to hand over because it’s Dad’s time even though he’s away.

SM being less than helpful in both cases but in different ways.

And yes, if Dad is not there, it IS how Mum feels that counts.

@Thereisnolight I'm sorry I have to disagree it's about the children and their needs, not mums. Mum can't dictate what dad does on his time (baring abuse/court involvement ect) and the courts back this odd theory that mum and dads have equal power to each other this up because it's not about mum or dad wants, it's about the children best interest

Mum cannot dictate whether (or in this case not) a step parent looks after her Dc because she is has no power over dad.

If sm doesn't want to look after DSC on mums time and mum can't have them and neither can dad. It defaults back to the parents who have legal responsibility to find suitable childcare.

But thank you for proving my point with the last paragraph.

I say this as a mum with a Dd who has a SM. I wouldn't never expect sm to have my Dd on my time but then I don't view sm as subhuman or a unpaid servant 🤷🏼‍♀️

In this thread, the mum doesn’t want SM to look after the child, she wants to look after the child herself. So does the child. SM is opposing this. How is this in the child’s best interests? How is this impinging upon the SM?

The OP specifically says "Friend has offered to have her child those nights, but dad won't agree." But yeah let's just blame the SM anyway for being awkward because it's always the SM's fault isn't it 🙄

@Thereisnolight I'm not saying it's about sm. I said it was ironic certain posters has said the exact opposite of they preached in reverse thread.

Op has asked what legal ramification there is and simply there is none. Courts don't take into consideration young children's views as they can be influenced by either parent and children can't make a informed choice until they are older.

That said if it's on dads time well he is able to leave them with whomever he sees fit because otherwise, some people would use access to the children as a way of preventing their ex moving on (this applies to both genders for the record) . I do wonder if mum would have a issue if DSc were being left in childcare ? (Paid for by dad)

Now since you have seen a fair amount of my posts you know actually that I believe contact time is for dad to spend time with their children and unless extreme circumstances it's their time and sm is surplus to requirement. So if sm had asked I would say exactly that, but it wasn't sm it was "friend" of mum.

It is better in blended families that people get to terms with two things.

1. The family unit is now split into two family units, mum and dads and neither has control over the other. It's better for the children of both sides come to terms with that quickly.

1. The only people who have parental rights are mum and dad and they are equal to each other in every sense of the manner. There is no moral ground to be lost if anyone (including sm/sd) saying I don't want to take care of DSC if mum/dad isn't there.

I deeply despise anyone who tries to use children as a weapon, to control their ex partner in any shape or form (and that happens from both mums and dads alike in different ways) either way is diabolical.