SD living with us and I can’t cope.

User38271438373 · 2022-09-12T09:38:39+00:00

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together. Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on. I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day. I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more. is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

MichelleScarn · 12/09/2022 10:41

What would you say if he said the same about your own (not joint dc) that live with you?

BattenburgDonkey · 12/09/2022 10:43

Sounds like separating may be the only option as your DP is right. But what exactly is the problem? Do they argue now SD is there? Does she misbehave?

TwowaystoUrmston · 12/09/2022 10:44

Can you say a bit more about why you're finding it difficult OP? What's actually happening?

HailAdrian · 12/09/2022 10:45

He's right, he's lived with your kids long enough.

VioletToes · 12/09/2022 10:45

Well I suppose yanbu to feel stressed, but you had 3 DC, then had another 2 DC with someone that already has DC. What else was the likely outcome?

You say she's nice, so what is it about having her there that is the straw that's broken the camels back? Maybe work it out like that and you can look at ways to help make it better.

You can't send your SD away so it's about finding something that works for you and all your family.

I personally feel overrun with 2 DC, 6 would be the end of me for sure 🤐

IrmaGord · 12/09/2022 10:46

Yes, you are being ridiculous. As pp said, and you yourself have said, he's lived with and presumably looked after your children for years. If you can't deal with the number of children, you should have thought long and hard about adding two more to the ones you already had between you (and tbh, I don't know why you both didn't).

CampRedLeaf · 12/09/2022 10:47

What is it you find difficult about her being there in particular?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/09/2022 10:48

I"m not surprised life with 6 kids is stressful, but why is your SD getting the brunt if this?

You chose to have 5 kids, and you knew that your DP already had one. What did you think was going to happen?

LovingTheseAutumnSnippets · 12/09/2022 10:48

If you split, he’s got 3 of his own DC to deal with, whereas you will have 5.

YABVU. It’s ok for him to support your 3, but when it comes to his, it’s too much.

SummerHouse · 12/09/2022 10:51

So five children in the house and now you have six? Is that right? Are they all with you full time? I can see that there is a breaking point and you are at it.

I would divide the problem by six. Each child is a child you have to care for and everything that comes with it. It's really important that your SD doesn't feel she is the problem here. You just have too much on your plate.

I feel like splitting up is very drastic "solution" so I think you must be desperate and possibly depressed? Are there other problems in the relationship that mean you jump so quickly to this as the answer or is it just that you see no other way out?

I am so sorry that's a lot of questions and no solutions. It must be really hard for you.

Comeintomylife9 · 12/09/2022 10:52

If she is well behaved then what is the problem? I'd understand somewhat if she was a tearaway and making your life sheer hell.
Poor girl, hope she isn't picking up from you that she essentially isn't wanted.

klipwa · 12/09/2022 10:52

If you can't cope leave... but do you really think being a single parent of 5 is going to be less stressful than what you are doing now 🧐

lunar1 · 12/09/2022 10:53

Are all 6 still children or are any adults?

It's got to be har to him to hear, if he's had your three children living with him all this time, you had two more, but his dc makes life unbearable.

SD1978 · 12/09/2022 10:53

The dynamics are different when you're talking about a SC that lives permanently with you, versus one that visits EOW.... It sounds like you resent, from your post, looking after 'his' child for 2 hours a day, which is a bit shot, when he's looked after 'your' children in the family home for most likely more often without it being a yours or his situation. You need to change your attitude, she is a permanent part of the household, and should be treated the same as all the others. I'd assume it's a massive upheaval for her, at the age of 9, to be in a home suddenly with 5 other kids. This really seems more something you need to sort, not your husband

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 12/09/2022 10:53

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movingincircles · 12/09/2022 10:53

This situation is bound to take time to get used to.
I wouldn't be thinking of separating so soon, maybe give it time but your dh needs to be doing a bit more to support you emotionally as well if you're feeling overwhelmed 6 dc under one roof sounds exhausting.

ValerieDoonican · 12/09/2022 10:56

6 kids is a lot - you should probably get some tips from people with massive families. My guess is things have just passed some kind of "desktop processor has no more capacity" tipping point and rhings will just jave to become more ordwred and systematic, older kids will need to do more (which is often a good thing anyway).

Ykur dh needs to atep up with the mental load and it is crucial you are fully on the same page. Him not doing that would be grounds to consider separating.

And for your sanity it might be worth going back to work and buying in more help( - that you and dh manage jointly, it not just help for you) even if you are no better off - even potentially if you are slightly out of pocket. Its cheaper than divorce!

lunar1 · 12/09/2022 10:56

I would think really carefully about what the actual problems are. Does your DH need to do more at home? When you talk to him I think it's really important to stress that it's the entire situation rather than just his child.

Singling out 1 child from 6 as the reasons for the problems really isn't fair on her.

MichelleScarn · 12/09/2022 10:56

Did she never stay with you before this? Am assuming you'll expect him and his dc to move out?

Original poster

User38271438373 · 12/09/2022 10:57

SummerHouse · 12/09/2022 10:51

So five children in the house and now you have six? Is that right? Are they all with you full time? I can see that there is a breaking point and you are at it.

I would divide the problem by six. Each child is a child you have to care for and everything that comes with it. It's really important that your SD doesn't feel she is the problem here. You just have too much on your plate.

I feel like splitting up is very drastic "solution" so I think you must be desperate and possibly depressed? Are there other problems in the relationship that mean you jump so quickly to this as the answer or is it just that you see no other way out?

I am so sorry that's a lot of questions and no solutions. It must be really hard for you.

Yes now six and I do feel depressed. I just haven’t got the capacity to care for another child and feel I’m spreading myself too thinly. There is more bickering now and the younger ones are much more excitable. SD needs a lot of attention and I just feel utterly despondent with it all.

OP posts:

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 12/09/2022 10:59

I wouldn't be so quick to consider separation. Being a single parent of 5 kids, vs being a 2 parent household with 6 kids does not sound like an easier number! Especially if it's only 2 hours a day where you have to care for your step child single handedly.

deedledeedledum · 12/09/2022 10:59

You need to reframe this OP. Something like this: I was struggling with 5 DC living at home. We now have 6 and I'm not coping. The issue is not SD. The issue is you can't cope with 6DC. She may have been the straw that broke the camel's back but the last straw is not the problem. It's all the combined straws on the camel's back. Take this blame off SD. You need to look at the whole situation to come up with a solution. You think splitting would make things easier? So living with 5 DC without your dp's daily input is easier than 6 with his input? I think not.

MichelleScarn · 12/09/2022 11:01

What will you do if you do separate and your own kids then start needing 'more attention ' or do so without you separating. This poor girl, significant change in her life and she's being seen as the problem

RudsyFarmer · 12/09/2022 11:03

Living with other people’s children as a man is a totally different experience than parenting them as a woman. Im sure the OP is responsible for her SD during this time in a completely different way than her husband is with her children.

OP how many children are still in the home? All of them or some of them?

LosingTheWill2022 · 12/09/2022 11:07

deedledeedledum · 12/09/2022 10:59

You need to reframe this OP. Something like this: I was struggling with 5 DC living at home. We now have 6 and I'm not coping. The issue is not SD. The issue is you can't cope with 6DC. She may have been the straw that broke the camel's back but the last straw is not the problem. It's all the combined straws on the camel's back. Take this blame off SD. You need to look at the whole situation to come up with a solution. You think splitting would make things easier? So living with 5 DC without your dp's daily input is easier than 6 with his input? I think not.

This is excellent advice.
I'm sure there are many families who feel the impact of of an addition (birth) child - the dynamic of the family changes etc. etc Splitting up would not be first option in that situation.
Reframing it to "how do we cope as a 6-child family" as opposed to "how do I cope with DSD living with us" is vital.
What changed 6 months ago that resulted in your dsd coming to live with you? Maybe that needs addressing as part of the process.