Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

I absolutely agree with this I have never thought dsc is an out and out bully. Its complex between the two personalities

@YellowPlumbob

The OP has already clarified it's her son who can dish out banter but can't take it

Just asked if they wanted a game of cards as a family and they said no as they are watching something.

God. I'm crying like a fucking baby in the toilet. How pathetic.

There are times he can take it, to be absolutely fair. But it has to be silly. If it's personal he gets upset. He never dishes out anything personal it's usually about their opposing football teams etc never anything about how they look or intellect or whatever

"Its unclear if its bullying or not. He has banter like this with his mates but my dc doesn't find it funny. Although he can give it out...he finds it hard to take it."

So they re both doing it, one takes it, the other one dishes it out then runs to Mum - whom he knows will get a reaction from and the other child get into trouble. The other child will suck it up as does not believe in telling tales.

One DC thumped the other as part of a dare - which they were both partaking in but one got upset and ran to Mum.

New baby in the mix and 2 unsettled DC. One the OPs DC wants more attention and the DSC wants more attention.

Seriously, this will blow over - both need to reign it in and one needs to stop telling tales if they have done as bad as the other.

If it’s personal he gets upset.

Most people would. And that’s what PPs have called out - the difference between banter and being mean. And how ‘it’s just a joke’ is used to make the recipient feel unreasonable.

I think your dh is being a bit of a knob OP. You're clearly upset and have been all day and he's not helping the situation. I'd also be crying right now too as I'm shit with the ambiguity of not knowing if things will be okay or not.

Can you have a bath/snuggle up in bed with a book/plan something fun to do with your ds?

In the morning I'd say something like - both of us have our feelings running all over the place. Can we make a time to have a chat and listen to each other and make a plan to go forward with.

I fucking hate this shit.

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

((((HUG))))

here's what I think (FWIW)

Dry your tears. Wash your face. It WILL all be OK. Trust in that. You & DH will be fine, you'll work through this. But not tonight. You don't need THE ANSWER tonight, you just need to trust that you all love each other and it will be ok.

Put DS to bed, reassure him it's not his fault, he must keep talking to you & then read to him until he's tired enough to go to sleep or left to read to himself.

make yourself a nice hot chocolate or cup of tea -ask DH & DSC if they want one. Ho & sit with them
& watch what they're watching or read a book or whatever, just BE.

then go to bed with DH & cuddle, do NOT talk about today. Just be together & reconnect, you're both hurting from
tiday, but you love each other, just be together.

don't panic
don't try to fix everything tonight or tomorrow, just let things settle a bit.

it WILL all be ok
xx

So your dc winds up dsc is intense and annoys him, as acknowledged by you
Takes parts in dares, then runs and complains to you, can give it out but doesn't like it back, and runs and complains to you, you intensely tell off dsc and are unhappy with dh defending his child?
Why does ds not want this time together to stop? Will he lose his entertainment of getting dsc into trouble? Have seen that in sibling groups, definite golden child/black sheep dynamic made harder by blended family issues.

I’m thinking that as your dsc gets older and is becoming a teenager he needs more space and privacy and probably wants to be less involved. I have a same age dc and he is great with his younger sibling, but often wants to do his own thing and I am firm that he can shut his door and have time and space to himself without being bothered by younger ones. He’s very kind to younger dc but I think it’s because he is allowed boundaries and time alone. Your dc sounds potentially relentless for an introverted boy hitting puberty.

In dc defence, the director thing...my nephew was the one who told. The dare was never agreed on, dsc made up the rule after he punched ds. Also jot there is a huge size difference. My ds is wearing size age 8 to 9 and dsc is wearing adult clothing and size 7 shoes

Your issue is you're always 'in defense of Ds' mode

This will ruin your relationship if you carry on
If it hasn't already

I just looked at your last thread to see what advice I gave and the situation there as from memory, it seemed like there must have been a big escalation.

I'm confused, on that thread you said it was your son who was completely against snitching. But on this one that it's your step-son that is against snitching.

You also said that your step-son was a gentle giant type and they usually got on very well and the punch issue was a one-off.

So it seems things have really got worse between them in the past few weeks. Why do you think that is?

I'm sorry you're upset. I think your past experiences and pregnancy hormones are exacerbating this, and you're feeling bad now for probably losing it too much with DSC.

I do agree though that if he was told several times to stop calling your DS "skinny" because DS doesn't like it, then DSC should have packed it in or at least apologised immediately for forgetting.

He has banter like this with his mates but my dc doesn't find it funny. Although he can give it out...he finds it hard to take it.

• this stood out to me and I am wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye but the both of you can't see it as it is becoming an us vs them situation and you are both becoming defensive and trying to stand up for your respective DC.

• I grew up with a sibling exactly like this. We would be having "banter" making jokes about eachother etc, sibling would always give it out, but somewhere down the line would get upset and go crying to mum despite him being the one that started it. This would be so infuriating as like you said, he can give it out but gets upset when someone says something back. I am wondering if this may have something to do with it? All starts off as a joke, your son gets upset, DSC gets in trouble?

Definitely my dsc is the jne against snitching, always was, I don't think I would have said it differently in my last thread I'm too tired to go back and check.

No idea why it's escalated. I think I over reacted today. I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of being worried about my dc and needing to defend him.

I spoke to ds before. We talked about his dad and why I get so defensive when I think he needs me. We talked about what is acceptable to report back and what isn't really necessary. He agrees maybe having different weekends is best. He got teary when talking about his dad and is adamant his dad doesn't hit him or call him names anymore. But who knows. My heart breaks for him. I need to stop being so defensive and I told him so, that heeds to learn how to look after himself.

We had a few games of cards and then joined dh and dsc watching TV. Didn't last long and I'm now in bed. Feeling so fucking sad and depressed. I feel I've failed them all

If dc can't depend on me to defend him...who has he got? No one.

But am I ruining him by always defending him? I don't know how else to be. He means everything to me and I'm trying to make up for the fact I can't defend him against his father

The tears won't stop

You have no idea how comforting this is to read. I pray that you're right.

What is ds doing to provoke and wind up dsc? How would you feel if Dh got 'quite heated' with him?
I don't think anyone would say don't defend dc, but what you are teaching him is he's untouchable at home. He can start the wind up, provoke dsc, probably be mean, and there's no comeback as he can cry and you'll come charging in and tell dsc off heatedly, whether he's in the wrong or not. This won't happen as he gets older and adults at school won't forgive him everything and be his defenders.

I'm sorry OP, you are obviously finding this difficult, but from your updates they both sound as bad as each other (which may actually not be that bad but just normal sibling interaction). If anything, I'm getting the sense that your DS is the more annoying one - he's happy to play with the 'big boys' when it suits him and dish out banter but runs to mummy as soon as he feels aggrieved and hard done by. It doesn't sound like DSS is deliberately targeting your DS or bullying him in order to upset your DS, although some aspects of his behaviour aren't very nice. It sounds like your DS is happy to be around DSS and entertained by him, but has trouble taking the rough of sibling interaction with the smooth. So he comes to you as soon as anything feels 'unfair' to fight his battles for him.

The problem with that of course is that it turns interacting with your DS into a very negative experience for DSS rather than a normal sibling-type relationship. He treats your DS like he would one of his friends, crosses the line occasionally and provokes this hugely over-the-top emotional reaction from you and gets into trouble from his dad, and ends up feeling like an awful person. But he still won't dob your son in by 'snitching'. The natural reaction of your DSS in this situation - always being painted the villain - would just be to want to withdraw from your DS and spend less time with him to avoid all the hassle. Before condemning your DSS, I'd have a chat with your DS about why, despite apparently being the 'victim' here, he still wants DSS to be there on his weekends to entertain him.

I don't know because dsc won't tell me what the provocation is. I only have dc side of the story.

I got heated when he wouldn't admit he kept calling dc skinny. I didn't shout or anything like that but my mouth went dry and I could feel myself getting hot.

As I've said a few times, I don't always get involved. Sometimes I tell him to sort it himself or I'll just offer up hugs. I just lost it today because I'm fucking tired, newborn sleep deprivation and injured foot. I can't handle it. I lost it.

Wait..... I got heated when he wouldn't admit he kept calling dc skinny. I didn't shout or anything like that but my mouth went dry and I could feel myself getting hot.

So you don't actually know if he did call ds 'skinny' he's saying he didn't and ds is saying he did and you were getting heated at him to get him to agree with ds?
I think a time out would be good for the boys.

You're right.

I'm at a fucking loss as to how to make this better. I accused dsc of bullying earlier, not outright, but the language I used. Dh said the things I said are basically unforgivable. Aside from asking if I need help with baby, we've ignored each other all night.

I feel foolish, devastated, confused

I'm at a fucking loss as to how to make this better. I accused dsc of bullying earlier, not outright, but the language I used. Dh said the things I said are basically unforgivable. what language did you use and say to.a 12yo?! And what's your ds doing while dsc is being treated like this?

No...he admitted to calling him skinny 2 days ago but wouldn't admit he called him skinny before. Said he didn't remember us telling him to stop. Even dh backed me up because we have had several conversations asking dsc to stop calling dc skinny.