Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

So what am I supposed to do when dc asks for help or tells me something , do I just do nothing? Serous question I am at a loss I really am
Neither child is bad they are both great kids

I think my over reaction has caused all this and I'm so mad with myself

Even when we have repeatedly asked dsc not to call him that? When I called him out on ot he said he didn't remember us warning him not to call him that. Dh did back me up at that point

If it's petty and you didn't see it yes!

That's what most average parents do when one child comes to them to snitch that their sibling took their toy, or called them a mean name, or told them Santa wasn't real.

If it's something serious you investigate

The issue you have caused is that due to intervening before your child is used to this serve and return of snitching - mum steps in to defend me cycle.

He has learnt this behavior and you have enabled it

And now it's causing trouble in your marriage (no bloody wonder)

What are you going to do when your newest child starts telling on their older brother? If both were yours I suspect your reactions would be very different

I'd tell him not to tell-tale tbh OP. I'd also explain the difference between tale telling and when something actually needs to be told. This will help him make friends in school as well.

I don't think his behaviour is unusual at his age either. It's a lesson dc learn.

I can only repeat the advice I gave you last time.

You speak to both boys individually (or even together), get both sides and come to a conclusion and tell them both together, decide if a consequence needs to happen and make it happen.

This

Snitches get snitches is a very true saying when you get to secondary school and definitely won't earn your son many friends

Dc doesn't have these friendship issues at school, if that matters

I think I've been so vehemently against the notion of being a snitch because in my experience its used by bullies in order to keep bullying. What's the difference ebetween that and tell tale? Genuine question, I'm not bring facetious. My son stopped telling me about his abusive father after the ss got involved last time. I over heard his dad shouting at him "why the fuck have you told her I was asleep all day?! Next time you tell her I'll beat the shit out of you"

That's what my ds has to contend with and the reason Ia so protective of him

...this is true yes

My ex boyfriend and his children used to think that my DS was 'too sensitive'. In reality, he wasn't too sensitive, or even sensitive. He was just a normal little boy who had different childhood experiences and who had been brought up with a different parenting style. The 'over sensitive' comment was frequently used to gloss over him getting upset when the two older children would constantly make jibes at him which were always excused by their dad. This escalated into there being some sort of free pass for the children and even their dad to make snide jokes at my DC's expense, critique everything that he did, and belittle him - it was always 'just a joke' though. My DC slowly lost a lot of confidence and still lacks confidence in his appearance and his abilities now. The two older children, who had much more dominant personalities, would NEVER have accepted such 'jokes' at their expense any time they had tantrums or lost their shit over the slightest inconvenience. This wasn't them being 'sensitive' though, because everything that upset them was considered Very Important whereas my DC was the insignificant whipping boy. Never, ever, ever again would I allow anyone in this world to make my DC feel as if he is the bottom in a pecking order and looking back on this dynamic now I am utterly ashamed.

You need to teach your child what is an important thing to tell on and not.

This is what most children learn by themselves but some need to be taught.

Obviously abuse, violence etc. he needs to tell you about

His brother taking his controller and not giving it back - less so. Those are squabbles

Also you need to be better at responding to them, if he comes to you and snitches on a minor issue that's when you reinforce the notion of that not being something you'll action.

After a while he will learn what to go to you for and what to address himself

As tbh you are setting him up for misery once he hits secondary school

Maybe ask your ds to write down everything he would normally tell you over a weekend and then go through them all after and explain what is and what isn't needed

And maybe come uo with some funny things he could say back to learn where the line is between a joke and being mean. So a retort to being called skinny wouldn't be calling dss fat, but something like - don't be jealous of my skinniness, you're just jealous because xyz. You don't need to be told that dss called him skinny as your ds is equipped to handle it and give it back.

Its unclear if its bullying or not. He has banter like this with his mates but my dc doesn't find it funny. Although he can give it out...he finds it hard to take it.

Who is the 'he' here? The dsc? Who banters? Who gives it out but can't take it?

I'm sorry you and your child went through this and I am glad you're out of it.

Fortunately for us we are always so supportive and bigging up both boys. We encourage and are enthusiastic about all their endeavours, even though we know they will probably be short lived!

I do think I've made a big hoo ha but at the same time I am.hlad dc knows he can come to me. I agree I need to teach him the difference between what is acceptable to tell on and what isn't. I was never taught this and its new territory. I need to learn to control my emotions because I get so incredibly hurt when he comes to me with these things. And it's damaging my good relationship with dsc.

I'm glad I started this thread. I can see how my dc could be difficult to deal with as an older sibling. I find him difficult at times. He has high need for interaction and is full on. But he is a good kid. Dsc in the other hand is more of an introvert and likes time on his own.

I feel terrible for making this into a huge thing.

Dsc and dh are back from visiting his parents. Apparently they aren't staying. But I am in a different room to them I am at a loss as what to say I find it so embarrassing after my outburst

We have had many conversations like this! And ds is usually very funny and quick but when he feels hurt by something he just clams up. He doesn't remember the clever retorts we talked about

Sorry. Dsc has banter with his mates. Ds knows how to give the banter but he melts when someone gives it to him.

This is bloody heartbreaking, OP. And incredibly relevant to your response to this. Your son mustn’t ever think he can’t tell you things.

There is a huge difference between real bullying (like the name calling) which should be dealt with and then day-to-day sibling irritations and spats, which can be resolved between the children. But I can see how the awful experiences that you and DS have been through have made it much harder to navigate these things. Maybe you can talk it through with DS and reset some boundaries together, so he knows when you will step in and when he should try to resolve something or brush it off.

I don’t think talk of ‘snitches’ is helpful in this context. Not for an 8yo child with an abusive father.

Your DC shouldn’t have to be resilient in his own home, ffs. Commenting on people’s bodies is bang out of order, particularly at this age.

I would get asking your ex to swap, pronto. Keep them away from each other. And if DH or DSC moans, tough shit.

Am crying again, thank you for the validation. My poor boy has been through so much. I think what he doesn't tell me about his father he makes up for with his step sibling. I will always tell him to tell me stuff.

Could your dc have adhd by any chance? If so they may have rsd rejection sensitivity disorder. They will be sensitive always but their emotions will sometimes show much stronger than how upset they actually are.

Or maybe the DSC is mean and a wind up merchant who can give it but can’t take being pulled up on his shitty behaviour. Bit wild to pluck ADHD out of this.

I have two teen DDs, they both know where the line is, they both know that a joke is only funny if the subject is laughing, they both know that I will come down on them like a tonne of bricks if they even use the word “snitch” because I will not have my children forced into silence by anyone, not even their siblings. Children who are afraid to speak out about something that is bothering them will never happen in my home.

Hugs for you. Against this background, the desire to protect DS from anyone being mean must be second nature. I can’t totally see that. And also, even small spats could be triggering for him and/or you.

Have you/DS had any counselling? You don’t have to try fix all this on your own.

I don’t think talk of ‘snitches’ is helpful in this context. Not for an 8yo child with an abusive father.

fyi this child is (now) 10yo

Sometimes I do think...

Not all teenagers know the line. They're developing just as much as the ten year old and deserve not to be demonised or labeled as a bully in their home too.

The dh is happy to seperate them (better then putting it all on the OP).

Or they need to work together to keep both boys happy. The OPs ds says he's happy but the dss isn't. He doesn't want to keep entertaining an annoying ten year old, that's perfectly okay.

I can totally sympathise with all in this situation but there's a lot more to it than dss is a bully.

I have had counselling. I got ds a mentor at school but she deemed him as fine so it only lasted a term.

Dc has had issues with facial and body tiks most of his life. He has also only recently stopped night time bed wetting but still has accidents at times. He is on meds for that. I've tried telling the school / ss it could be anxiety related but...nothing.