Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

I didn't say it to dsc. I said to dh the term "over sensitive" was victim blaming (my ex used to call me this when he was emotionally abusing me) and the term "snitching" was something bullies used to jeep on bullying their victim.

That was unacceptable to dh.

A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences.

Well this is bullshit. He should have given a consequence for the first offence. If this is how he deals with it, always next time, next time, no wonder his kid is a little shit.

He doesn't need to be defended against basic, common, sibling arguments

For goodness sake

Why is this so hard for you to understand

You need therapy to deal with the underlying reasons for this which are pretty clear

You feel guilt about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, and are now over defending him to make yourself feel better.

You will ruin your marriage over this, if I was your DH and you treated my child the way you have admitted you've done on here I'd be gone for the sake of DSC

How would you feel if your DH had interacted with your DS in the way that you interacted with DSS? Remembering that DSS, although he might like to present a tough front, is just a child too...

Do you think that the way you interacted with DSS was appropriate for someone in a semi-parental role towards a child?

There is very little that is not fixable so you can probably sort this out, but you need to acknowledge what has gone wrong first. It sounds to me like, in your haste to defend your DS, you have forgotten that DSS is also a child who needs the adults around him to take a balanced and proportionate approach rather than demonising him.

Wow. Harsh. Maybe something I need to hear.

It's hard for me to understand, genuinely. Because of all the reasons I have outlined in this thread.

Because of all the trauma ove experienced I don't fully understand quite honestly. So if dsc hits dc or calls him a name should I ignore this? I've never had a harsh word with dsc, even when the hit happened. Even today I didn't. It was between me and dh.

I admit I am a fuck up. I just want to make it better. Then I confuse myself and think...am I putting my dc in a bad situation with dh and dsc

I am all over the place

All I said was...did you call ds skinny? He said yes. I said but do you remember us asking you not to do that? He said no. Dh reminded dsc that we had had the conversation months ago.

That was it.

Is there something wrong with that interaction?

So if dsc hits dc or calls him a name should I ignore this?
You're still laying all the blame on dsc! What is happening in the run up to this, you acknowledge ds is provoking and annoying ds, but don't seem willing to do anything about it?

Also please tell me what way I treated dsc that warrants my dh leaving me

I do. I always ask what happened in the run up. What did you do,sis you do or say something to provile dsc. He tells me his side but then dsc won't snitch so I don't know the other side of the story.

Also please tell me what way I treated dsc that warrants my dh leaving me ask your dh, he did actually leave with dsc and go to his parents? I think you and dh need a good time to sit down, no kids present and have a good frank discussion about how often the boys spend time together as it just sounds so stressful and there's new baby amongst all this too.

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

Due to your experience honestly, in your shoes I'd remove myself totally from this issue and let your DH take a lead on all sibling related drama

You are simply incapable of understanding or being objective

He is at least seemingly objective from what you have put here - able to tell his DC off for their bad behaviour and will be a lot more capable of managing this fairly.

It's been asked before but what would you do if both kids were yours? It seems very easy for you to take your sons side. But when your youngest is older and this starts with them, how will you cope?

Do you know what I said to my middle child who came to me whining about his sister hitting him because he called her a name?

Are you bleeding?

No

Are you hurt?

No

Then as I didn't see it, you'll just have to be nicer to your sister if that's what triggered the hit

Calling someone skinny and the odd thump is normal sibling behaviour, it doesn't need to be moderated by you or your DH.

Your son is going to be called a lot worse when he goes up to secondary in a year. And I really fear for both of you when that happens

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

It's not how you treat DSC

It's the environment you have created which will be detrimental to this child

Honestly if I was your DH I'd have left in this situation. My child wouldn't continually be scapegoated because your child is a wind up merchant who snitched when the heat got too much

Everyone. I appreciate your input. I can see where I've gone wrong. I have cptsd and I struggle with things sometimes. I've had therapies over the last 3 years but I get things wrong still because I'm human. I don't knwonhow to make this better but I'm going to bed knowing I've done wrong and i am a fuck up and I've possibly damaged my marriage and i am hating myself all over again after I thought I was over all that self hate shit. I am doing my usual thing of catastrophising. I'd better get some sleep because baby is going to wake in a couple of hours.

Yes, you have been catastrophising, but it's perhaps understandable given what you've been through and that you're tired and sleep-deprived with a new baby. None of this warrants you being upset or crying in the bathroom. Both boys would have been better served by a bored, slightly irritated, "DSS, please remember you've been asked not to say that because it's hurtful", since the emotional upset caused is likely to have been worse for both of them than the original insult. I agree that some sleep and then an open and honest conversation with your DH is probably the way forward. And it's not all on you - maybe you need to be more objective and take more notice of your DS's behaviour, but your DH also needs to put consequences in place if DSS misbehaves (either by punching or repeated name-calling).

Thank you for your calming post. Although I am still in tears I do feel better so thanks x

It seems no one is as bothered by it as me. Every fucker is asleep except me, crying like a lunatic.

I wish I wasn't like this. I've had so much therapy I thought I was okay..I've also got the stress of work wanting me to go back to the office where that's the place I was assaulted. Everything is on top of me and I just want to scream

Sorry. Dsc has banter with his mates. Ds knows how to give the banter but he melts when someone gives it to him.

How does DS react to 'banter' from his schoolmates? Does he melt there too?

No he doesn't. Only with dsc. As far as I'm aware. Never had a problem with school friends.. dc is popular in school and has a solid set of friends

I feel for you OP but it does sound like your DS can dish it out until he decides DSC has gone too far. I don't think this is unusual.

But I think your reaction is.

*I didn't say it to dsc. I said to dh the term "over sensitive" was victim blaming (my ex used to call me this when he was emotionally abusing me) and the term "snitching" was something bullies used to jeep on bullying their victim.

That was unacceptable to dh.*

You haven't said anything unacceptable. So, this is the reason your DH has been punishing you all day? Taking DSC out and then watching a movie with him, just the two of them, whilst you've been crying and your DS has been feeling like the whole thing is his fault?

It sounds to me as if you're been trained into shutting up every time you feel the need to protect your son's best interests. Look at you now, you felt sure of yourself earlier that your son wasn't being treated nicely. And now your DH has rammed it into you that it's all just his over sensitivity and that 'snitching' is worse than bullying, and now that your son has had a pile on (on the step parenting thread so it was going to happen regardless of whatever you posted) you're completely doubting yourself and even beginning to think that your son has issues, that he's projecting, he's wrong to tell you when he's upset, it's about potential underlying needs...because it's easier to blame yourself and your son than challenge your DH who clearly thinks his son has done no wrong. One kid has been rewarded with a nice day and one kid has sat watching his mum in bits all day whilst blaming himself.

He's already got tics, he's been bed wetting, he's had to deal with abuse from his dad and now all of this. This is your son, don't let some man with his own priorities for his son (or strangers on the internet, on a part of a forum heavily geared against step parents and their children) bamboozle you into being complicit in making him the villain because it suits them.

Posting here has made me.so.confused.

One minute I think mt dc is being bullied the next I think I'm a bully then I'm told son is a PITA then I'm told he isn't, and we are being bullied

I wish I could sleep. Tomorrow is going to be hell. I will be looking after 3 children on my own, having had no sleep. I can head dh asleep downstairs. Everyone is asleep, no one cares except me. I'm an idiot.

Either way I feel like a terrible mother, step mother, wife, person.

Oh OP, you're in a state you poor thing.

Is your DH not sleeping in your joint bed tonight?

The important thing is what are your instincts telling you about DSC, DS and your DH. Don't sway in the wind depending on the advice here, try and keep hold of what you honestly feel. To do that though you have to be mindful of not projecting previous issues onto this situation.

Is it possible that you said more to DH than what you wrote here but can't remember because you were emotional at the time? Regardless, you need to have a forthright chat with him. Apologise for anything where you think you were out of line. But tell him how his comments made you feel. I'd say wait for tomorrow to talk but it sounds like you may not get a chance. Could you wake him up now maybe or will that go down badly?

My dc is sleeping in with me tonight, and dh is on the sofa. Dh likes sleeping on the sofa,.ita better for his back
I don't think it's a good idea I go talk to him now. I'm too emotional. Yes possibly I said things in the heat that I forget.
I don't know how I feel. I am so confused.

Not sure if it matters but actually this all kicked off because dcs best friend came over to stay. His mum just died. He stayed a couple of days. While dsc was not here, dc and best friend were so close. When dsc came, best friend dropped dc like a hot potato and both of them banned dc from dsc room, chucked him off the game etc. Ds was upset because best friend changes when dsc is around and they gang up on him. I heard best friend saying some nasty things to dc and I did ask him to stop being mean.

Yes, that does matter!! Lots of new info about the DSC's behaviour in your last post that you didn't include earlier today for some reason, or in your thread that was just a few weeks old. You're in drip-feeding territory now tbh.

Wishing you a good sleep.