Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

The other benefit of separate weekends - even if only for a while - is that you and DH both get much more of a chance to spend quality 1:2 and 1:1 time with your DCs. For DH, this sounds especially needed if there are issues at school.

Perhaps have one weekend a month together still?

I would speak to DSC about the rules at this home is that we tell the truth and it isn't snitching. That you don't want him taking the blame for reacting when provoked anymore than your DC being bullied - that having siblings is difficult and they both need help to have the best loving, kind and fun relationship as possible.

Yes that's me

Unfortunately if we move the weekends it will have to be permanent. I mean...it would be me asking my ex to move weekends as he is usually the more accommodating of the exs, but there's no way he will agree to swap and then swap them back after a time. He's not that accommodating!!

Good point about not getting involved if I didn't witness it. Its just hard to navigate when one child is okay with snitching amd the other isn't.

So even if it was my dc provoking it...dsc wouldn't tell

I would speak to DSC about the rules at this home is that we tell the truth and it isn't snitching. That you don't want him taking the blame for reacting when provoked anymore than your DC being bullied - that having siblings is difficult and they both need help to have the best loving, kind and fun relationship as possible

This is a good approach. Although I think that a while with them on different weekends might not go amiss. Maybe both children need a bit more time without the other one around to get their parents attention a bit more.
My DH has 2 older children too and had a steadfast rule of not getting involved in petty arguments.

Would your ex agree to a 1 weekend swap? So everyone gets a weekend with you but without their step sibling. See how it is and maybe appreciate each other more for a little break or discover separate suits them?

They sound like they love each other sometimes like brothers they fight. I had an awful brother as a child and he would love to wind me up and cause me to react. Ds and dd love each other for the most part ds has asd and can react badly sometimes but dd is known for winding him up aswell.

That’s a good idea.

Although even that may be tricky to arrange when it affects two other households.

This is a good idea. I will offer this up when we have our chat and hopefully ex will oblige

It never occurred to me that dc might be trying to get a reaction out of dsc

If telling dsc off is to benefit your dc then imo you speak out...

Yes I agree. And as much as I hate doing it, I always will

I think changing the kids schedule so they don't overlap is an excellent idea.

When the new baby comes there's going to be even more changes for them to face, but it'll mean that each child gets some proper one-on-one time with their parent before this happens and hopefully after too.

Essentially you got to choose to live with your DH, but both your DC and DSC dont really get a say and it sounds like at the moment they don't enjoy living with each other - would you want to live the next 6-8 years with someone who wound you up/bullied you?

I did have a bit more of if I didn't witness/hear something I didn't punish - obviously this was from when they were small though.

Also sometimes they come telling tales for empathy and attention.

There's definitely something wrong with me. I can't stop crying. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. Went out just me and dc to have a good time and I couldn't stop the tears. Now my dc feels bad and tk blame and I keep telling him not to but oh my god I can't stop the tears. Why has this effected me so badly

My dc is just so intense. Always has been. I love him so much but its so overwhelming

I do understand why my dsc would be snappy with him, if I'm perfectly honest. It's non stop.

If you can’t get temporary flexibility on weekends, could you and DC go and stay somewhere for one of your weekends? With your parents or friends or camping? Just to mix things up? DH then gets his DC alone for a weekend, too.

Asking your child to change their whole personality to accommodate your partner's child's poor behaviour is a complete nonstarter. I would put that to him and ask him if he can see how completely illogical and unreasonable that is.

Being a stepparent can be really hard. I'm sorry you're going though this but it sounds to me you've been doing a cracking job so far. I think you need to give yourself more credit for the things that go right.

We made the decision to change the weekends around but somehow myself and dh have got into a huge argument about it and he has now gone with dsc to his parents for the night. It got quite heated because I stood up for dc and asked dsc outright if he called dc skinny. My manner was quite heated because I've asked dsc not to call ds skinny yet he continues to.

Dh said there are things I've said this evening that he isn't sure he can move past. I don't even knownwhat theyvare but I asked him to leave as I was getting very angry. I am shaking writing this.

Our family that I love is splitting up and I feel like I'm grieving but not only that, dh doesn't like that i am actively speaking up for dc. I have been beside myself all afternoon and he said itbwasnt the best time to talk (he was right) but I insisted and now it's all gone to shit.

Op lovely have you been to see a councillor re the stuff you suffered as a child. Often as adults we repeat childhood trauma cycles as a way to right the wrongs we suffered as a child.

It's in your power to break the cycle and I won't lie it sucks balls. But it means that this cycle will not repeat again and also make you aware of triggers so you can see what's a trauma response or something that needs to be fixed.

Sounds like a lots going on. Babies and hormones, tricky ages with DSC and Dc and lots of feelings for everyone.

Maybe find DSC a therapist for them to have a outlet for the drama thats going down. Sometimes kids act out, as a way to display the feelings they can't talk about. Create a safe space for him sounds like he needs it..

Your doing a good job op 💐 teens and pre teens are hell on earth but they come out the other side.

I have had 3 years of therapy and have changed my life around because of it. But yes, this is a trigger because my own mum never stood up for me with my bullying sibling.

Dh kept putting it on dc, saying we need to teach him how to be resilient. I agreed with him ut got pissed off that it's all been put on my dc, and not focussing on why my dc is getting upset. When dc said he was upset at being called skinny, dh was making out it was no big deal in the context, that dc was the lightest person in the house so he would get the blow up bed

I'm waffling now sorry

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears maybe then it sounds like your DSC has trouble understanding emotions or letting his out.

Maybe you and DH could put - slightly different way - that both children could to learn something from the other. Being empathetic to another's emotions are a skill (you could frame it as DSC could be Dc protector) and it's ok to show emotions.

And DSC doesn't need to take everything to heart because DSC doesn't mean to make him sad, he was reacting/hit out because he was sad but felt he couldn't say it out loud.

Get them to learn to communicate with each other effectively is a skill that will help both progress in later life.

Sometimes the younger one senses they are becoming less important to the older one and actually provoke things to get attention - even negative attention and fighting is better than being ignored.

Omg this is such a wise observation. We are experiencing this very phenomenon with our 14 and 10 year old boys, who always used to be super close. Now they bicker a lot, and objectively speaking they are absolutely equally at fault. The younger one is outrageously provoking, the elder one is bossy and overreacts.

I do wonder if the blended family is a red herring here. The dymanics between them is shifting as they enter a new phase of their lives, and they are having to renegotiate their relationship.

I fear its too late for that

I wanted to talk about it as a family again but dh said he didn't think it would change anything and that changing weekends is the way to go.

I got really really emotional and angry and heated. I am devastated that we will all be split up. I thought we were happy.

And now dh who is usually supportive and caring has become defensive. We both have. Seems we are at loggerheads and I don't quite know what to do