Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

rushing to get out the door but wanted to thank you and quick question - how did you broach it with them? I am worried he will be very upset when I bring it up

also...did you go to the school or GP for diagnosis

I have a million questions for you, randommess!! Maybe I should start a new thread...

I would start a new thread. We went via GP. DD brought it up with me!

Which board is best to post on please? I'll leave you alone then, @randommess

Maybe the Neurodiverse Mumsnetter board within Special Needs?

Thank you x

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

Good to hear your updates.

Are you going to address your DH threats to leave when you have a row?

I think you are very hard on yourself, unnecessarily so I suggest. I can understand your anxiety if DH regularly brings out a threat to leave when you have asked him not to do so (make threats I mean). I would not brush this under the carpet.

I would also stop apologising - I think you overdid it a bit - and focus on your DS and what he needs. Good luck

The book "driven to distraction" has a lot of case studies in it that are helpful. Sometimes lists aren't great because almost everyone can say "well I got that", but the case study shows the degree and the cumulative effect.

When researching it for my DS I realised that I matched one of the case studies perfectly and a whole lot of things about me suddenly started to make a lot of sense.

Yes I most definitely will address the threats with dh. I'll wait until ds and dss are away with their other parents next week though.

No more apologies for this, absolutely. The first was a text, and so I needed to say it face to face too. Otherwise the tension was still there. I really did lose myself at one point, with rage. I was apoplectic. I needed to explain myself to dss especially, because he's never seen me like that. But yeah, apologies stop now. It would be nice to get an apology from dh for the threat but that remains to be seen.

I am definitely too hard on myself. Always have been. Tend to blame myself for everything. I've been through all this in therapy and I've been so much better but this week was a step backwards in my recovery. Thankfully I don't have the crippling anxiety anymore, and we spent the evening out as a family, all the bullshit gone and forgotten and we had a great time. I hope this episode has brought about good change...perhaps we will seperate the weekends which means more one on one time with each boy. The boys both have learned from this too and seem more relaxed. Dss has pointedly spent less time with ds but not in a nasty way he's just doing his own thing, and ds has accepted it in a way he's not done before. I also now realise my ds may have adhd, and I also realised I relied a lot on dss to hang out with ds ... making my life easier. Ds is FULL. ON. He is literally non stop. I actually feel for dss having to play with ds all the time, when actually dss is an introvert and enjoys his own company.

I will check out that book now. Always up for learning amd trying to improve. @ClaryFairchild when you realised about yourself in the case study, did it change anything for you? Or was it simply that you noticed?

Thanks all

That book (and a few others) have coping/managing techniques which I have been trying to put in place. So in that regards it's been helpful. I don't beat myself up about certain things, and try to put the positives of it to good use (the ability to hyper focus on something).

I'm not sure about getting a formal diagnosis and trying to get medication - I'd feel a bit lost without the million and one thoughts running around in my head!

It's helped me work out why I've done better in some jobs and not so well in others, and I am in a role that is really testing me - so I am now finally considering getting diagnosed and trying medication. First going to try a few other things and if they don't work it is my next step. (Have read that a good exercise routine helps with symptoms as do a few herbs. Can't hurt!)

The million and one thoughts inside my head. Oh how I'd love to rid myself of them. Have tried all the meditation and mindfulness and I can't stop them from coming and coming and coming. I dearly wish I could switch off.

Interesting though. I'd love to get to a point of not beating myself up. I always thought it wad down to my upbringing and consequent relationships but maybe...adhd. hmm.

Yes to hyper focusing!

It might not be ADHD OP. I have ADD and OCD and my OCD can present like how you've explained your feelings and thoughts in a relationship.

I never even considered OCD. A quick google on the NHS website...I think I have obsessive thoughts but I am not sure about the compulsions...I am a bit confused about whether I do or not. Can you help me - what did I post that made you think it might be OCD?

I have PTSD and ADD and what you describe is similar.

The beating yourself up becomes your safe place - weird but true.

Anything difficult at work or home means it churns over and over in my mind and I can't sleep etc.

I'm not a psychiatrist OP. My OCD can come out where I obsessively and compulsively think about certain words/phrases/actions from a partner and stay stuck in the emotional spin cycle where I can't control my emotions and unfortunately things like you did with your son seeing you upset etc is what I have done because my brain doesn't feel safe. So my brain compulsively goes through everything and over thinks it all.

My OCD is pretty much okay and I did exposure therapy years ago and managed to get a grip. But I read somewhere about relationship OCD being a subset of it and I tick all the boxes bar one. It's really annoying and I wish I had realised it earlier instead of escalating emotional responses when I was married.

Beating yourself up becomes your safe space @RandomMess yup! It's weirdly comforting, probably because you're in control.

I have been unofficially diagnosed with (complex)ptsd and tour post makes perfect sense

Yeah I obsess over whether I've done something to piss dh off. Even when he is acting normally, if I think I've said something I will obsess over it. Or if he's had a bad day at work, I will think he's pissed off with me until he reassures me.

And yes to escalating emotional responses. Once it's in my head, it gets bigger and bigger until it blows up.

Yup! I can't sleep, concentrate at work, I overshare to everyone trying to work out what to do, I write about, I keep it going and going and my emotional response to a situation is completely disproportionate and sometimes all in my head - not huge things but like you said about your dp having a bad day at work and you take it personally and get worried it's about you, that's what I do too. I'm pretty embarrassed about it as i really did overshare to everyone about my marriage problems.

I think step families bring it out a notch further as there are so many micro rejections that feel so personal!

Complex PTSD here as well, childhood related.

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug @RandomMess as you’re always so supportive of others on the SM board and no one would ever guess what you have overcome. 🌺

Yes to all of this!! Obsessing over the most small insignificant thing, until it becomes huge. Oversharing. Not being able to concentrate in anything else. All of what you say.

While I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same things...I have to admit it's comforting to know I'm not on my own amd someone understands. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. So many revelations for me on this thread.

Same. And also teen and adult relationships. Lots of assualt. Exposed to consistent abuse for almost 40 years, by those who claimed to love me. I have come so, so far. It sounds like you have to. And I completely agree with @MeridianB

Well I completely failed as a step parent in my first marriage sadly for DSD

It's easy to give advice far harder to walk the talk and truly change.