Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears Asking ds to change who he fundamentally is in response to the way dsc behaves is wrong. Ds shouldn't have to toughen up. Will he have to put weight on next because dsc said he's skinny?

I would be extremely upset with DH if he can't understand that.

Why is the DS ok as he is but DSC's personality needs to change according to some PPs. It isn't clear if DSC has a dominant personality or is actually a bully.
Especially as OP says her DS' behaviour can be difficult.

I say this as someone who was bullied relentlessly for age 8-15 - so I dislike bullies. I am also very laidback so no dominant personality here

Oh I do understand this!

it can often seem like this.

you sound like a really caring stepmum and mum so I think really the buck on this needs to stop with your DP. Does DSCs Mum support you or does she undermine you? This can make all the difference when dealing with SCs poor behaviour.

Have you been able to get underneath any of what is going on with your DSC to cause the behaviour? Is he like that with other children or just your DC?

I agree and I am furious.

We have tried to sort this so many times we are both sick of it and done talking.

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears it's never to late.

Everyone's probably highly emotional. I suspect (although please say if I'm wrong), that DH has somewhat shut down and it's become a non topic in the face of "too much emotion" (I'm not saying your too emotional, it just might be DH is like DSC in this regard. Maybe just leave it for a little bit. He may need to think of the logistics of doing this in his own head.

Go have a bath and try to relax. Just table it for the moment and bring it up when everything is a bit calmer.

Somethings just need time as infuriating as it is.

Why do you have to let your DC know you have their back

You should be objective, as should your DH

The issue is based on your past you're not able to be objective and fall to defending the sensitive child every time

Which will only add fuel to the fire

Your DH is then compensating for this by now doing the same for his child, having their back regardless of fault.

You need to somewhat step back and be far more objective

Siblings fight, they argue, and having an overly sensitive child in the mix is frustrating for others too.

At their ages unless there is serious risk of harm you should really just leave them to it.

Its unclear if its bullying or not. He has banter like this with his mates but my dc doesn't find it funny. Although he can give it out...he finds it hard to take it.

That's why maybe it's beyond talking now. We will not get to the bottom of it and maybe its best we split them up.

I am so sad

Dcs dad is a bully. I've had him in court for hitting dc, but the ss and judge didn't deem it bad enough and sent him back. Pair this with my own childhood and there's your reason.

But I agree with what you are saying. I let it get to me too much and this is why it's escalated today

This is odd since your child is the one up for snitching it's pretty likely he is also being sneaky in other ways too

It's not up to your DH to make unilateral decisions about what happens in the family. Just refuse to make the change until it's been discussed and agreed upon as a family. Say it is not up to the two of you to make DS more resilient, especially when it's not so clear cut and sounds like DSS is being a bit of a bully. It's also not on for DH to essentially bully you for standing up for your child and make threats about breaking up the family.

Please stand your ground. If DH wants to walk, let him know that's his choice but he'd better be damn sure before he starts throwing those kinds of words around. Let him know your boundaries and where they are clearly. I know it's upsetting and between the baby and the counseling you may be in a fragile state right now. I really feel for what you're going through. Please don't let DH and DSS walk all over you and DS. Will he be telling you next you need to be more resilient? DS is only ten, there's still time to build resilience in a healthy, supportive way.

Does your DH accept any blame for his DS? I think you were right to call it out. Persistent name-calling is bullying. And this was happening in your son’s home, where he’s supposed to feel safe. What did DSS say when you asked him if he kept calling DS skinny?

If the roles were reversed and your DS was needling his, I suspect he’d look to you to resolve it. So I don’t see why he’s taken it all so badly.

I think you need to consider is this normal sibling squabbling or something more? I think sitting them down and talk to them explaining how this needs to stop and they need to come to you with disagreements. I'm sure it's not completely one sided. Explain if they can't get along then access weekend will have to change.

I'm so exhausted

I think its normal sibling squabbling if I'm honest but then again I didn't have a good experience with my sibling, it was horrendous. So how do I know. But my ds will sometimes be disappointed when he asks if dsc is around and I say no. He loves playing with dsc. But dsc doesn't always want to play which is where thr trouble starts most of the time.

What @Annieisalright said. Sorry OP as I know you're feeling pretty shit.

Park this discussion with dp for another day, have a bath and try to relax.

What has the the DSC's mother got to do with this?

I think you're being rather provocative asking if she "undermines" you and other wording.

If you read all the posts from the OP, you'll see that is is not simply a case of SC's "poor behaviour", which in this case amounts to him punching the OP's DS once and taking the piss out of him.

This is a key detail:

Its unclear if its bullying or not. He has banter like this with his mates but my dc doesn't find it funny. Although he can give it out...he finds it hard to take it.

So her DS can give it out. And we know from the OP that her step-son doesn't like to snitch at all. So it's entirely possibly the OP's DS is winding up his step-brother but the step-son CAN take it, unlike the OP's son, and isn't bringing it to anyone's attention.

It's a difficult situation for the OP and her DP but it's not clear that there's one child fully to blame.

I am conflicted because I know I should butt out and leave them tk its and for the most part I do. But its getting ridiculous and my dc asked me to help. He had a bully for a father and no one else gives a shut like I do and I can't just ignore when he asks for help. My mum ignored me and I was bullied mercilessly.

But maybe it is time I took a step back

Although after all that's been said tonight I fear ita too late

Of course he will ask for your help

As mummy has swooped in before and he wants that again

Most snitch children will do this, as they wind up and then snitch to mummy/daddy for help and support

You just need to repeat 'I didn't see it so am not getting involved'

And if you did see it you can then try and make an objective decision on which party was wrong

Some posters are vehemently telllong me I am right to stick up for dc and some are saying I should leave them to it

So confused and tired.

I think you overreact possibly because your ds does. A massive issue over one sibling calling the other skinny is an overreaction.

Most of those posts were before your updates about your child's behaviour tbh

I suppose a small silver lining here for you is that your mother at least didn't ignore your son when he said your step-son punched him.

Is your DS sensitive at school too?

Maybe it would be better for dss to have a break from your ds. I imagine it's quite an annoying situation to be in being around your ds and always getting told off and getting into trouble. Neither of them should have to change their personalities (they won't be able to anyway) and it's probably really fustrating for your dh that your son is the good one and his one is the bad one when it's really not as straight cut as that.

I do think it's normal sibling behaviour but it's impacting you all and not worth the stress. I do imagine though that your son will lose out more in this scenario unfortunately as it sounds like he really likes dss and will feel quite left out when he's not home and dss is.

IF your DS is sparking the trouble then running for help, then you can address this. But name calling is not a trivial thing for many children. DS asked DSC to stop but it’s carried on and that’s unacceptable.

This isn’t about apportioning blame 100% to one child or another. There may well be things that OP needs to help her son avoid doing. But that doesn’t make name-calling OK.

Do you have siblings?