Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

I guess what I'm asking is....am I being over dramatic about this

Imo your dc can be as sensitive as is their right. Dsc need to stop being bullies. And dh needs to stop making excuses for his dc's rotten behaviour.

There is a power dynamic at play the DSC is 2 years older and bullying a younger child is never ok.

That's what i thought.

Sh never usually defends hos dc in this way. I think my suggestion of swapping weekends threw him. He adores us all being together...and so do I. Its heartbreaking that its come to this.

I just spoke to dc and asked if they would like to swap weekends. The answer was that they wanted to keep things as they are.

Saying that your DC is sensitive is a form of victim blaming and I would be having none of that.
If the older child cannot control themselves enough to stop picking on the younger one, I'd agree it would be better to rearrange the time the children are with you so they spend less time together. I wouldn't be willing to let my child be upset either.

Has this started to happen more due to new baby? Is dsc OK at secondary school?

If these were both your own children how would you respond?

Thank you for the validation

Yes to victim blaming.

Just seen your update.
If the kids want to keep it as it is, then they both need to work at not falling out.

I don't think you're wrong as such but also sensitive dc can be annoying and hard work. It's hard as a parent with non sensitive dc (mine are grown up now) to always be having to dampen down their personalities for the sensitive ones as you feel like you're stopping them being themselves so I can see your DHs pov.

Why don't you help your dc become more resilient and dh helps his dc dampen down a bit?

Possibly got worse since new baby yes.

I think dsc might have a hard time at secondary school but will never "snitch" on anyone. I also think has a hard time at mum's house but I try and keep.out of those dramatics (another thread)

I said in front of all of them today that I hated the term snitch. Dh said its just the way of the world. I said not in my world

This makes so much sense.

Please tell.me how I can make dc more resilient??

Some people are sensitive. I feel oversensitive is not really a fair term to use. But equally some people are bullys.

That's positive though, suggests they do actually like each other.

I would read both "How to talk so Kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" and then "Siblings without rivalry".

There is a lot going on for particularly DSC and they need the skills and space to be able to express the good, bag & ugly without it coming out in bullying.

Perhaps you could make a could sounding board and comforter for the school and other home life shit? Not to mention new baby that gets to live full time in one home with both parents.

The vast majority of the time they get on very well. I think thats why when something does happen it seems very...big.

To answer someone upthread...I've no idea how I'd react if they were both my own children. I think somehow it'd be easier because I feel very awkward speaking to my dsc, like its not my place to give a telling off

Ive actually got both those books in anticipation, bought them years ago...but never needed to use them before now!!

Some good suggestions here. Difficult though if you have one child who is sensitive and one who tends to bully others!

Not sure if this has been picked up but I was shocked that you said your dsc had punched your dc and although your dh had spoken sternly to him, said that if it happened again there would be consequences. He punched him! There should have been consequences straightaway!

Sounds to me like your kid is fine to be sensitive but it's awful that he lives with a bully.
But the dsc sounds unhappy. Don't they say that a bully is projecting the shit he is getting in his own life. I would, with dh, talk to the dsc properly, get out of him what's going on at school, what's going on at his mum's and try to sort those things out. And let him know very firmly, that he is not to take his frustrations out on his younger step sibling.

I think you're right to object to 'snitching' too. It's the way bullies get away with bullying.
How to deal with the situation at home. I think that maybe, you sit down with the whole family and talk about this. Set some rules and consequences.
I also think that your DH needs to address what's happening to the DSC at school and not brush it off as being that's how it is.
My DD was on the receiving end of low level bullying from boys in yr 7 and 8 and was a total snitch and stood up for herself. The school were very good at dealing with it and the boys involved were dealt with. They give her a wide berth now because they know she won't let them get away with it.

I had two brothers who would fight all the time. You say they get on well most of the time it does suggest very much like typical sibling behaviour. How would you manage if if both boys were yours? There seems to be his and your son which is making the situation worse. My youngest just smacked his sister this morning he was told and punished accordingly. It makes me wonder however if your sensitive son is maybe provoking him for a reaction. My own brother was very clever and sneaky and would do the same and it would be me in trouble not him. Becareful not to make dsc the escape goat.

The punch thing was apparently something to do with a dare. It was hard getting anything out of dsc because of refusal to be a snitch. So I only ever get to hear one side of the story.

And that's the problem with trying to get any information from dsc. He just will not snitch. I don't knownwhere he got the notion from because dh doesn't go on about not being a snitch.

Its funny because dc will gwt upset and ask me or dh to deal with it, and before it's even been dealt with properly sometimes they are back to being best friends. That's why dh says I should leave it be sometimes.

I just spoke to dh and he says we should just have different weekends. It was my dc that said keep the way it is, I haven't spoke to dsc about it yet. Maybe dsc wants to have seperate weekends.

This evening when we are all together again we will sit and talk

Woah I never thought of this! That's why I love MN. Really makes you think sometimes. Thank you. I am under no illusion that any child is an angel and while I would hope dc isn't provoking the situation, I wouldn't rule it out.

In fact, I think that's what dh was hinting at earlier.

I just really don't want it to be an us vs them situation, and I feel.thats the way its going. I feel so, so sad.

I was about to post the same. This sounds like typical sibling issues with a 2 year age gap. I also think it will resolve itself as by 13/14 the older one will natually lose interest in the younger one and seek out their own friends / space more. Sometimes the younger one senses they are becoming less important to the older one and actually provoke things to get attention - even negative attention and fighting is better than being ignored. My DS2 used to do this to DS1 deliberately wind him up to get his attention. I always took the view if i didnt see or hear what happened I would not side with one child over the other.
That doesnt mean you cant call out the behaviour - the fighting - but dont jump to conclusions about who is at fault if you didnt witness it. It isnt always the older one bullying the younger one. I guess the level of adult supervision / input has understandably gone down with the new baby - are you expecting them to entertain themselves more? My DC are close now as young adults but fought like crazy at that age if left unsupervised for long. I would get your DH to take them out more and keep them occupied / tire them out - having 3 is tricky for everyone not least because the adults are now outnumbered.

You are the adult, I think you need to have a few months of seperate weekends and let them both chill out a bit. Maybe by Christmas they will have missed each other and fight less.

On the topic of older versus younger - I had 5 stepsisters, 4 of which were older. It is a fucking nightmare. I was so happy when they weren't there! But I'd never have told anyone that.

OP did you post about this situation before, when the boys were at your mother’s?