Step daughter as bridesmaid

[weddingissues99]

Hi,

Just after a little advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being a bit of a cow.

Getting married in Dec to DP. I'll try and keep as vague as possible as DSD is on Mumsnet also.

I didn't really want a harem of bridesmaids, simply my oldest friend to be MOH and two nieces (both under 8) to be little bridesmaids/flower girls. We are also trying to keep costs low and the flower girls will just have quite basic childrens dresses.

DP sort of assumed today that I will be asking his DD to be a bridesmaid and if I'm honest I'm very thrown by it, she's an adult herself with her own children but quite princess like and I know it will throw off the balance on the day getting ready and leading up to it (MOH is extremely relaxed and happy to wear whatever - likely an ASOS dress under £50).

I'm sort of hoping I ask and she doesn't fancy it? Is this normal to expect a grown up step child to do? I sort of thought it was the "brides side" who would be in the bridal party or am I just being a bit nasty?

Your wedding, your decision.

She’s not 10 years old, she’s a grown woman for godsake. Personally I wouldn’t do it. And don’t be emotionally blackmailed into it by anyone.

As many others have said, it's entirely your decision .

I have 3 adult SC and when now DH and I got married a few years back, I had DSD's little ones as flower girls plus our DD as bridesmaid.

DS gave me away and DSS was best man, and the two DSDs were our witnesses.

That way everyone had a role. But that because of how our relationship is - yours may well be different so as I have said above, it ls your decision.

Congratulations btw

I think, once you have children of your own, you are no longer in the running for the bridesmaid role (maid, note!) Your children are, but either you are Matron of Honour (as the bride's best friend) or you are occupied with helping your little girl perform the role, or you drop in for a few minutes as witness.

Could you ask her to do a reading instead. Something to include her in the wedding but not specifically for you as bridesmaid. I think having an adult woman who you aren't close to as bm would be awkward.

If the step daughter is an adult with her own husband and young children then she would more than likely find it annoying to be asked. I'm sure she'd much rather attend as a guest with the rest of her family. I would ask her to do a reading or/and be a witness on marriage certificate.

I understand not wanting to have her as a bridesmaid but if you and husband to be can include her or her kids in your day somehow it would probably be appreciated. Even if it’s something minor as pp said, getting her a corsage or similar so she feels included.

Speaking from experience of not being invited to my dads wedding, registry office but her kids (teens) attended. I’m still angry about it and if I had my way she wouldn’t be coming to my wedding next year but I don’t have the balls 😅

Don't do this if you don't want to OP. My best friend adult MOH was a huge help on my wedding morning. I'd have been a anxious wreck without her there.

I think going on about her being excluded and 'for family harmony' etc.. is odd. She's an adult woman with a partner and children, not an 8 year old. I can't imagine wanting to do this if I were her nor expecting to! I'd just want to turn up with my family like everyone else.

I think it’s fine not to ask her (and I’m often critical of mumsnet SMs). She’s an adult, not a child. Might be nice, as pps have suggested, to ask her to do a reading?

THEIR wedding

The bride usually decides the bridal party though. If it's that important, the groom, her father, can ask her to be part of his party can't he?

Honestly I find it weird that anyone would think it's necessary to even consider asking her.
A child SC I'd definitely expect it - but as an adult I'd think it was odd.
A close family member has just got married - his ex wife remarried last year - neither of them have had their adult children as bridesmaids or groomsmen etc. They just attended as guests which feels normal.
The ex wife had her best friend from forever as a MOH and the new wife did the same. I think they would both have invited grandchildren/step grandchildren had there been any.
I agree that a reading is a nice gesture but otherwise I'm sure she would be surprised to be asked to be a bridesmaid and might feel she has to say yes to make you happy!

If she was a child, I would say 100%. But she’s not. You’re having a MOH and 2 small children. She’s not fitting into that.
I think it’s weird to ask her unless you were very close and she was your MOH.

Maybe offer to get cute outfits for her babies (how old?) and they can be sort of flower girl/boy

Could she not do a reading instead? I dont think you're being unreasonable not to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but if your partner wants her to be then perhaps a defined role might meet in the middle.

When you have a 2nd marriage, there is more the sense that you can make up your own roles. So it could be really sweet to have the young DGSC in a flower-loaded buggy/cart, being pushed up the aisle by the young nieces. That means their Mum needs to stand near the door to pop them in and settle them - and off they go for their big moment. No need for her to be in the dressing rooms with the other bridesmaids if you don't want that. Anyway, practicalities, ages etc will be all important here.

I really not sure if I can advise here because when I do I think of my DSD and she would rather have stakes in her eyes than to have all eyes on her as bridesmaid and she's 13.

When DH and I got married she begged me to get mum and dad on board with not forcing her to be a bridesmaid. That was a awkward conversation I can tell you as her mother was more excited the prospect than anyone to see DSD in a dress.

Went on for months the begging, pleading and cajoling until I basically said look DSD really doesn't want to and I won't force her into it.

Can you offer a reading ? Corsage from flowers used by bridesmaids ?

I bloody hate weddings, especially as the bride. Me and DSD went and hid in a side room for ages until we are spotted. I'm surprised I have done it twice tbh.

Only ask her if you want to. It's your wedding..

If your DP doesn’t feel obligated to include your son why should you include his daughter?

Id personally want my son involved (can he walk you down the aisle?) and perhaps ask her to do a reading? She may not want to if she has babies in the audience.

I was forced to have my husband’s daughter as BM. She asked her dad if she could be his BM and he had to explain he wasn’t the bride. I was forced to have her when it was truly the last thing I wanted.

She purposefully ruined the photos she was in by scowling in all of them which spoiled some lovely pics with my nieces who I wanted as BMs. One of the many reasons I went NC with her. I suspect her crazy mother was behind the idea.

If you can avoid it OP I would.

Could she not have a different role in the wedding, if you're happy with your wedding party set up?

She could do a reading, or be a witness and sign the certificate?

If she's a bit of a princess and you think she would say yes when you don't want to ask her, do not ask her for the sake of it as it will stick in your mind long after the wedding!

If I was you I would have DSD and your DS sign the certificate as your witnesses.

If she was a child I would say you need to ask her but an adult? No. As someone mentioned it would be nice to ask her to do a reading. Or maybe your partner could ask her to be an usher?

This is a great suggestion.

And why isn't she your DH's best "man"

Judging by MN being an adult bridesmaid with small children and all the logistics that go with both is unbearably stressful.

Take her for coffee or a glass of wine and simply say to her that you are going to ask your best friend to be MOH. You had assumed that it would be a massive hassle to be a BM with two babies to take care of even if her DH is a god, and you had only planned for one BM. You don't want to upset anyone so if it's something she'd like to do then she would be very welcome. You had thought that she might like to do a reading or sing/play if so inclined.
Show her a pic of a dress you like at a suitable price point and say this is what you would like your MOH to wear.
There isn't a sane adult woman in the land who will express an interest. If she does you have bigger problems than this ! 😂

It's fine not to have her.
You have your friend and the others are younger kids.

She'll be busy with her kids anyway

Don't ask... as she may feel obliged to agree.

She's a adult, she's hardly going to feel left out because you're having a couple of under 8's as bridesmaids/ flower girls, with no role for her.
Surely she won't expect to join in!