Step daughter as bridesmaid

[weddingissues99]

Hi,

Just after a little advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being a bit of a cow.

Getting married in Dec to DP. I'll try and keep as vague as possible as DSD is on Mumsnet also.

I didn't really want a harem of bridesmaids, simply my oldest friend to be MOH and two nieces (both under 8) to be little bridesmaids/flower girls. We are also trying to keep costs low and the flower girls will just have quite basic childrens dresses.

DP sort of assumed today that I will be asking his DD to be a bridesmaid and if I'm honest I'm very thrown by it, she's an adult herself with her own children but quite princess like and I know it will throw off the balance on the day getting ready and leading up to it (MOH is extremely relaxed and happy to wear whatever - likely an ASOS dress under £50).

I'm sort of hoping I ask and she doesn't fancy it? Is this normal to expect a grown up step child to do? I sort of thought it was the "brides side" who would be in the bridal party or am I just being a bit nasty?

I think if she ends up being involved in the groom’s party, it may make it more obvious that you didn’t want her as a bridesmaid.

I think you should pick whoever you want as a bridesmaid, but could you maybe have her do a reading during the ceremony or even during the speeches? Then you could approach DP and say ‘I’d love for her to be involved in the wedding and I thought she could do a reading, so we don’t put too much pressure on her, if she has small children.’

I’ve never been to a wedding when someone has “done a reading”.
when does the reading take place and what kind of reading is it.

I can't think of any wedding I have been to without a reading, or more than one.
In a Church service at least one of them is usually from the bible, but there are often secular ones too. In secular ceremonies that are often - but not always - poems.

I think the bride gets to choose the bridesmaids and the groom gets to choose the best man/usher.

I think, for ongoing family harmony, I would get your Fiance to say to her that you were going to ask her to be a bridesmaid but that actually he really wants her by his side as best woman and would she mind saying no to you - he's sure you will understand.

His choice re grooms party her choice re bride's party

As she is an adult I would treat her like one don't bother making complicated scenarios and pretending you were going to ask her. She can stand with her dad or be a guest. The day isn't about her.

It never entered my head to ask my adult DSD to be my bridesmaid.

Just say to him that you’ll think she’ll be too busy with her own children and leave it at that

I'm so surprised by these replies! I think it would be weird to have her as a bridesmaid (as she is an adult) the groom wouldn't have a brother in law as best man would he? I always think adult bridesmaids should be the brides side and the children could be from either side. I wouldn't ask OP - she will probably not want to but feel she has to haha.

I think it’s fine not to have her.

can you give her another role - usher?

This

Why doesn’t your fiancé involve as as an usher, best man etc ? It seems weird that he doesn’t plan to ask her but expects you to do so.

Does he have a history of expecting her to do is emotional labour ? Does he expect you to entertain his family , send gifts etc rather than him doing it?

expecting you to do his emotional labour

Could you ask her to do a reading in church instead?

Sorry yabu. Of course his dd should be asked and the grandchildren should be bridesmaids/pageboys even if they are being carried. It's about uniting two families. The dsd can have a cheap dress too - plenty of options online for £30-50

The fact you didn't even consider her is actually more worrying - have you not grasped that when you marry someone with children even adult ones they have to be considered family too

This is entirely subjective. To many, bridesmaids are on the brides side and are the people they are closest to. Your way is not the only way.

It's not worrying at all.

And they maybe be family but even legally they are not considered 100% family.

I most definitely consider her family, even without the marriage - but for example I have a sister I am not particularly close to her and will not be asking her to be a BM.

It honestly hadn't crossed my mind at all to ask an adult DSD as I just felt traditionally the bridal party was the brides choice. And I just wanted the little ones to sprinkle some flowers (wouldn't be in a bridesmaids outfit just something pretty and simple) and then my best friend to help and assist me on the day.

I am just torn between wanting to keep the peace and just ask her, but then also knowing this will change the whole vibe on the morning and lead up to the day and just wanting to be able to enjoy it.

Would it be possible to have a chat with DSD, OP? Just a coffee and a chance to say, "I've asked two little ones to be flower girls but I wanted to check if you had strong feelings about being part of the bridal party?"

I am a sc and I couldn't think of anything worse than being asked to be a bridesmaid for my dsm. I most certainly wouldn't expect it.

I think it's fair enough to not have her as a bridesmaid. Asking her to do a reading seems like the perfect option to include her though.

You shouldn't need to keep the peace OP, this simple explanation is more than enough. You have a sister and a DS who aren't being included for Christ's sake, it's obviously not a snub.

There should be absolutely no problem with you having your closest friend to help you on the day, that's what the bridal party is for.