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Original poster

Step daughter as bridesmaid

108 replies

weddingissues99 · 01/08/2022 17:31

Hi,

Just after a little advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being a bit of a cow.

Getting married in Dec to DP. I'll try and keep as vague as possible as DSD is on Mumsnet also.

I didn't really want a harem of bridesmaids, simply my oldest friend to be MOH and two nieces (both under 8) to be little bridesmaids/flower girls. We are also trying to keep costs low and the flower girls will just have quite basic childrens dresses.

DP sort of assumed today that I will be asking his DD to be a bridesmaid and if I'm honest I'm very thrown by it, she's an adult herself with her own children but quite princess like and I know it will throw off the balance on the day getting ready and leading up to it (MOH is extremely relaxed and happy to wear whatever - likely an ASOS dress under £50).

I'm sort of hoping I ask and she doesn't fancy it? Is this normal to expect a grown up step child to do? I sort of thought it was the "brides side" who would be in the bridal party or am I just being a bit nasty?

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MrsMontyD · 01/08/2022 19:15

I would assume if she's got babies she wouldn't also want to be tied up being a bridesmaid. I would ask her to do a reading, then she's involved and centre stage, but only for a short time.

Bridesmaids are definitely your domain but it's the sort of thing that can cause long term resentment, I would speak to her directly about it.

frazzledasarock · 01/08/2022 19:29

It’s up to you. I think you need to point out to your partner that you’re not expecting him to make your DS his best man he can’t demand you ask his DD to be your bridesmaid.

if your DP wants his DD in the wedding party he can ask her to be his best woman.

I’d understand if she was a kid but wanting to be a bridesmaid with the dress etc. But not for an adult. She probably hasn’t even thought about it.

MeridianB · 01/08/2022 19:30

How long have you known her, OP? If it’s a very long time my answer may be different. But assuming it’s 5 years…

I think as she is older, her children are too young to be FGs and will need her, plus your own son is not an usher, it is fine to not ask.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 19:38

No you're good. I think it's better for her to be in the groom's party.

Riapia · 01/08/2022 19:39

I’ve never been to a wedding when someone has “done a reading”.
when does the reading take place and what kind of reading is it.

Musicalmistress · 01/08/2022 19:40

Does he only have one DC? Perhaps she could do a reading to be part of the ceremony?

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 19:41

Riapia · 01/08/2022 19:39

I’ve never been to a wedding when someone has “done a reading”.
when does the reading take place and what kind of reading is it.

Ah it happens at lots of civil ceremonies I've been to. Often a poem or something.

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/08/2022 19:42

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 01/08/2022 18:26

Isn't your DP going to ask her to be his 'best woman'? If she is more likely to be a supportive, pleasurable part of his day, this would be a good option. She could always wear a bridesmaid style dress but wouldn't have to match.

I agree with this.

CornishGem1975 · 01/08/2022 19:44

You what @Riapia? What type of weddings had you been to? All weddings I've been to whether church or civil have had readings. What a bizarre comment.

Anyhow....

I had my SD as bridesmaid but she was 8. Adult? I don't think I would have asked her.

Ted27 · 01/08/2022 19:45

I have done a reading at two weddings, one civil, one church, both poems

Needtogetoffmyphone · 01/08/2022 19:47

Could she sign the register if the bridesmaids are young? I did that at SIL ‘a second wedding as our daughter (bridesmaid) was too young.
think long term - include her somehow

Riapia · 01/08/2022 19:56

CornishGem1975 · 01/08/2022 19:44

You what @Riapia? What type of weddings had you been to? All weddings I've been to whether church or civil have had readings. What a bizarre comment.

Anyhow....

I had my SD as bridesmaid but she was 8. Adult? I don't think I would have asked her.

Ah well I obviously don’t mix with the better classes.

Phos · 01/08/2022 19:58

You're not obliged to have her. Especially as you're only having one adult bridesmaid and she's your best friend, I don't find it weird. For example, when I got married I did not ask my husband's sister, nor was I a bridesmaid for her when she got married.

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 19:58

Riapia · 01/08/2022 19:39

I’ve never been to a wedding when someone has “done a reading”.
when does the reading take place and what kind of reading is it.

Have to admit I haven't either. Speeches at the reception is all I can think of.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/08/2022 19:59

If she has very young children he really won't be available to to the bridesmaid stuff.

I'd suggest she do a reading so she can be involved but still have the fun of a being guest.

BarrelOfOtters2 · 01/08/2022 19:59

I’d include her.I did this….really it’s all or none.

BarrelOfOtters2 · 01/08/2022 20:00

And I’m glad I did.

easyday · 01/08/2022 20:03

I had my sister as maid of honour and two little kids.
If his daughter was a child I'd ask her. But an adult with kids? No.

MrsMontyD · 01/08/2022 20:03

Lubdeness · 01/08/2022 18:12

Could she do a reading? At least be included in some way.

Dh was best man at a wedding and I was given a corsage to denote being part of the wedding party. It was the groom's Mum who suggested that, so that husbands and wives were all decorated with a simple button hole or corsage. It was really lovely.

That's really old school but still a really nice touch, I remember family weddings when a huge tray of button holes and corsages would arrive and men (always men) would be despatched to drop them off with all immediate family members who lived close by or taken to the church with pins. We did it at my wedding, aunties, uncles etc.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 01/08/2022 20:06

We very much did our own thing at our wedding, my DH walked down the aisle before I did with his three late teen kids and our DD - it was a lovely way to include them. I didn't have bridesmaids but got ready with my besties (called them by best women) but they didn't have an official role. Payed for my DSD to have her hair done on the morning at a local hairdressers so she felt pampered and we paid for her dress and it was in the colour theme (ie for us something green) but not a bridesmaid dress. Not suggesting you copy any of these but just to say there are lots of ways to include people without making them bridesmaid.

GreenClock · 01/08/2022 20:08

Don’t ask her in the hope that she will decline. She may well say “yes” - she has a partner who can watch the children, so they won’t be a limiting factor.

Your fiancé needs to ask her to read a poem, sign the register, or be his Best Woman.

Berthatydfil · 01/08/2022 20:16

No adult bridesmaids only flower girls or no bridesmaids at all

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 20:18

Berthatydfil · 01/08/2022 20:16

No adult bridesmaids only flower girls or no bridesmaids at all

Why shouldn't she have her oldest friend as a BM?

Forestgate · 01/08/2022 20:19

Why don't you ask her kids instead?

Phos · 01/08/2022 20:26

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 19:58

Have to admit I haven't either. Speeches at the reception is all I can think of.

Show quote history

I thought it was quite a common thing. People often ask a friend or family member to read a poem or something from the Bible (if a religious wedding)

I did one at a wedding once. It was one that was read at one of the weddings in four weddings and a funeral, had to stop myself copying the way the actor did it.

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