Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

[SomeSortOfName]

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

I find it weird that you find it weird if I'm completely honest.

I think that’s unfair.

My last comment ^ was in relation to @Tillsforthrills ’s last post - I thought I’d quoted it.

Every relationship has different dynamics. My DH would be fine with that as it would be me going on a trip with my friend and hanging out with our kids. The only thing that makes this at all different is that it is Disneyland and people get weird about its. Whenever it's bought up on here it's so divisive

I’d imagine she went into it imagining that the man she has children with would treat his children equally. Not that everything would always revolve around his older children.

i bet she never managed she’d fin herself in a situation where she is the only parent who advocates for her children.

If he was treating his DC equally @CharlieAndTooManyCharacters wouldn’t they all be going to Disney together, which is his argument

Which he can do.

How is a mother taking her only child to Disney, HIM treating his kids unequally? He's not going.

If he does that then his shared DC with OP is going to grow up thinking he doesn't love them as much as his other children. How is that in anyway acceptable? OP is allowed to not treat the DSC as her own as they are not.

No. He doesn’t want to take them to Disney. He either wants the OP not to go (because of the SC) or take them for him. It seems.

but, a key point, is that the SC have been already with their mum. Issues of ‘equality’ in a blended family are rarely simple.

Yup. He's not taking them to Disney though is he. He wants his other child's mum to organise it all becuase he's lazy. If he had wanted to take DSC to Disneyland he has had YEARS to sort it out but hasn't.

If DH isn't going then it's all perfectly reasonable.

I think the underlying logic is that an SM and her children are subsumed within ‘the household’. They matter less than the unit as a whole.

It doesn’t work the same way with the SC. Their mum can do whatever she likes and the SM’s household cannot differentiate based on this. Unless, of course, it advantages the SC over the other children.

YANBU.

Has anyone thought for a second that maybe the older step kids wouldn't want to go to Disney land with the small children ? Mine wouldn't. We do separate activities based on age for all the kids DSC and DC alike. DSD wouldn't want to go to pepper pig land but my Dd would. Neither are wrong ?

Mum can take kids to Disney land and that's fine, why can't step mum take her kids to Disneyland (without DH and fiancé it through her own money) and not fine ? And suddenly a moral failing ?

How have we managed to moralise Disneyland this much ? I really don't get it.

How have we managed to moralise Disneyland this much ? I really don't get it. disneyland is like the ultimate bone of contention with some people. It's weird.

Again, he isn’t complaining that she’s booked a holiday with her friend and the kids without checking in with him. Unlike many on this thread he doesn’t seem to have a problem with that. He’s complaining that she’s booked this particular holiday with her friend and kids instead of with him and step kids. If he was so keen why didn’t he organise a holiday himself then?

@Ontomatopea I really don't get it tbh. I think it's all those Disney adverts projecting family feels.

I just don't know how people can say it's unfair to DSC if DH isn't going. DH hasn't financially paid for it. Op is willing to do Disney all of them together at another time (since DH has suddenly had a change of heart re Disney all of a sudden)

*I’d say he has every right to make them a priority, especially as he’s realising his wife is intent on putting their DC first and priority over DSC.

The wife was silly not to realise what she was getting herself into, no one forced her to marry him.*

Nope try giving the OP's posts another read. This has come about because her husband prioritises the SC over their shared child and she's had enough.

And genuinely why shouldn't she prioritise her own child? He's her responsibility. The SC have two parents who prioritise them, does her son not deserve the same? You know to 'be fair'.

Yeah I mean the advertising clearly works but it's almost like a sacred pilgrimage the way some people take it.

And yes I completely agree I don't get how it can be considered remotely unfair given all the offers of going another time etc

I took my DC to the zoo when my DSC were here. They didn't give a shit.

I’d say he has every right to make them a priority, especially as he’s realising his wife is intent on putting their DC first and priority over DSC.

He’s playing a very dangerous game if he starts prioritising his oldest just because OP plans her life around her small child. What you are suggesting would make him a deadbeat towards his youngest.

The wife was silly not to realise what she was getting herself into, no one forced her to marry him.

Nobody forced him to have children with two different women and what dynamic that would bring in to his life. He was silly to think his second wife would revolve her life around his older children in the same way her life revolves around their shared child. If you have children with two different people you need to be prepared for those children not having identical lives. If he wasn’t prepared for that he should have stayed single. He can’t have it all ways.

i think you just need to say to your dh that he needs to stop sulking, as you dont need permission from him to live your life and go away with a friend for a few days. You havent arranged anything that would inconvenience him, and you are not obliged to take his children to disneyland and you dont appreciate his attempt at a guilt trip

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!
Anyway it’s a daft comparison for what it’s worth.

Of course you wouldn’t expect the MUM (bio mum is very insulting and there’s no need to add another label to a mother) to take her dc’s step siblings away, that’s a ridiculous way of looking at things.
Step parents make a decision to include themselves in the lives of their dsc’s, it doesn’t happen the other way round.