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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

294 replies

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 12:55

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 02/08/2022 20:26

**Of course HE should take his younger ones somewhere

funinthesun19 · 02/08/2022 20:32

Father: Parent to both.
He should plan trips so that all of his children get to go somewhere with him. No ifs, no but “OP did this, etc…”

Stepmum: Parent to one.
She can plan trips with just her dc and doesn’t automatically have to take dsc. A lovely thoughtful thing to do of course if she chooses to take dsc somewhere on her own without her husband, but completely optional and not to be expected.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 02/08/2022 20:42

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 20:24

I’m going to bow out now as I don’t want to be drawn into an argument.

What I will say though is that when people become step parents, they are (or at least should be) taking on the children of their spouses.

I believe that step parents should understand that they CHOOSE to be a part of their partners lives, and if their partners have children, then they are CHOOSING to become part of their lives too.
Children have no choice in the matter at all.

I’m not saying that being a step parent isn’t hard, because it probably is. But, in my opinion, if you marry a man/woman with children, then you should be prepared to accept them as part of your family. If you can’t do that, then walk away.

Where have they not been accepted as part of the family? Acceptance does not mean they become the absolute priority.

I accept my husband's children are part of my family, he accepts mine are part of his yet next week we're going away with just our children (and funnily enough my best friend, her husband and two youngest). My stepchildren are with their mum having a holiday, mine are working. None of the older children feel hard done by or that me/my husband should be sat around at home waiting for them to be available. Why? Because none of them are ever othered or prioritised above the others.

The OP hasn't said she won't accept her stepchildren, that she expects her husband to prioritise her own, she'd just like to take her child away with her friend.

BloodyEmails · 02/08/2022 20:58

it seems to be ok for SOME NOT ALL step parents to pick and choose when their dsc’s are excluded, but woe be tide their husbands if THEIR children don’t get treated exactly the same.

Well yes because THEIR children are also his. Why should he not treat all of HIS children exactly the same? The situation is not at all comparable.

HotDogKetchup · 02/08/2022 21:03

it seems to be ok for SOME NOT ALL step parents to pick and choose when their dsc’s are excluded, but woe be tide their husbands if THEIR children don’t get treated exactly the same.

do you struggle with comprehension? One parent has three children - one has one. Two children has another mother.

So not all “parents” play an equal role to all children.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 02/08/2022 21:06

I don't usually say this because I think mums and step children add colour to the board and a few posters who aren't step parents have come and detailed this post. Not all mums and stepchildren come in and tell sp what to do with 0 lived experience and make vast sweeping judgement statements that they have no idea on.

It's boring tbh.

CharlotteByrde · 02/08/2022 21:15

Amazed by all those women who wouldn't book a two night break away with a friend without feeling they had to tell their spouses first. Yes, probably best to mention it at some point but if you can afford it and you're paying for it yourself and you really want to go, why the need to ask permission? Is it not equally respectful to let them know AFTER you've booked?

Blueswedeshoes · 03/08/2022 05:02

funinthesun19 · 02/08/2022 20:32

Father: Parent to both.
He should plan trips so that all of his children get to go somewhere with him. No ifs, no but “OP did this, etc…”

Stepmum: Parent to one.
She can plan trips with just her dc and doesn’t automatically have to take dsc. A lovely thoughtful thing to do of course if she chooses to take dsc somewhere on her own without her husband, but completely optional and not to be expected.

I’m not saying she should take them on her own.

Blueswedeshoes · 03/08/2022 05:08

BloodyEmails · 02/08/2022 20:58

it seems to be ok for SOME NOT ALL step parents to pick and choose when their dsc’s are excluded, but woe be tide their husbands if THEIR children don’t get treated exactly the same.

Well yes because THEIR children are also his. Why should he not treat all of HIS children exactly the same? The situation is not at all comparable.

As I’ve said before, the OP has married a man with kids, so I think it would’ve been fairer if she’d considered that her dsc’s might like to go on a trip like that with their younger sibling and their father. They are now a family unit.

Blueswedeshoes · 03/08/2022 05:19

HotDogKetchup · 02/08/2022 21:03

it seems to be ok for SOME NOT ALL step parents to pick and choose when their dsc’s are excluded, but woe be tide their husbands if THEIR children don’t get treated exactly the same.

do you struggle with comprehension? One parent has three children - one has one. Two children has another mother.

So not all “parents” play an equal role to all children.

Any need for you to be so nasty? No I don’t ‘struggle with comprehension’ thank you.

But it seems to me that you clearly don’t understand that a step parent should take into consideration ALL children in their new family unit. That’s my opinion.

I’m definitely not coming back to this thread now, I don’t want to argue with people like you who clearly can’t accept that other people have different opinions to you, and nit pick every single sentence when someone doesn’t agree with the OP.

RedWingBoots · 03/08/2022 05:56

@Blueswedeshoes she doesn't need to take in consideration all children in her family otherwise she will be asking to take nephews, nieces and child cousins with her.

A step-parent has as much parental responsibility to those relations as to any step-children e.g. none.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 03/08/2022 07:23

As I’ve said before, the OP has married a man with kids, so I think it would’ve been fairer if she’d considered that her dsc’s might like to go on a trip like that with their younger sibling and their father. They are now a family unit.

They can. As she's said, many times she'd be happy for them all to go as a family. She also wants this trip with her friend and their toddlers, what's wrong with doing both?

Another point no one considers when using the poor neglected stepchildren to beat stepmums over the head with, what about their mum? If Disney is so special they can't possibly miss out then surely it stands to reason it's their own mum who would want that experience with them. Especially as the dad in this scenario isn't actually bothered about Disney.

aSofaNearYou · 03/08/2022 08:03

But it seems to me that you clearly don’t understand that a step parent should take into consideration ALL children in their new family unit. That’s my opinion.

Because despite saying it's just your opinion you keep presenting this as a fact that people just "don't understand".

There's nothing to understand. I can "consider" that the step children might like to go to DLP without coming to the conclusion that therefore I can't go on a separate occasion with a long term friend that has nothing to do with them. I'm not preventing them from going, I'm just going myself on that occasion and not taking them. They can still go, it should not mean I can't go with my friend separately.

Runningincircles · 03/08/2022 11:05

It is fine. He needs to get over it.
The DSC do things with their mother that your DC does not get to do. It would be unfair on your DC if he never got to do anything separately with you.
I bet he never moans about ex taking them anywhere.

funinthesun19 · 03/08/2022 15:51

I’m not saying she should take them on her own.

But this trip is her going on her own and you seem to think she should take them with her.

Ontomatopea · 03/08/2022 16:33

But it seems to me that you clearly don’t understand that a step parent should take into consideration ALL children in their new family unit. That’s my opinion yes exactly your opinion. In many other people's opinions they don't have to.

DuchessDarty · 03/08/2022 16:42

…a few posters who aren't step parents have come and detailed this post.

Who are these few posters who have “detailed” (presume you mean ‘derailed’) this thread?

How do you know they’re not step-parents?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 03/08/2022 16:49

Apologies all I seemed to done a typo 'derailed' sigh.

@DuchessDarty 👋🏻 and by reading what they have posted.

DuchessDarty · 03/08/2022 17:16

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I wasn't picking you up on the typo more copying your wording and clarifying you meant what I think you meant, just in case you meant a word I hadn't thought of as autocorrect can be odd like that.

I don't see anyone on this thread who is obviously not a stepmother (going by what they write and not assumption) derailing this thread which is why I'm asking.

As for the current argument discussion about whether a stepparent needs to take into consideration all the children in the family unit: agree @Blueswedeshoes they should but I also believe that considering them does not and should not automatically mean including them. i.e. way up if there's any objective detriment for D(S)C not to be included and then crack on appropriately.

That's the way I've step-parented and have done so for about 20 years now.

In the OP's case, as their Dad isn't going, I don't think there's a detriment in the DSC not going on a specific toddler trip.

DuchessDarty · 03/08/2022 17:20

And to correct my own inevitable typo Wink by 'way up' I obviously mean 'weigh up'.

funinthesun19 · 03/08/2022 17:30

In the OP's case, as their Dad isn't going, I don't think there's a detriment in the DSC not going on a specific toddler trip.

I agree with this. It does feel like there is a blanket “dsc should go” thought process no matter what the circumstances are.
In this case the trip is about two friends taking their toddlers away for a couple of days. Nothing at all against dsc whatsoever. Just two mums wanting to do something nice together with their children.

MissMaple82 · 03/08/2022 17:42

No, I completely agree with him. He's got more than 1 child!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 03/08/2022 18:04

MissMaple82 · 03/08/2022 17:42

No, I completely agree with him. He's got more than 1 child!

Sure of course he does.

But he's not going, he's not paid for it (it's not come from joint finances) and as op has mentioned several times hasn't shown any sign of wanting to go before. She's also willing to go as a family holiday later on.

I get maybe op should have mentioned it (just about) from that angle. Not as a "can I go to Disney" but as "I'm going to take Dc to Disney with x friend"

As pps have mentioned you can consider your DSC (as you should) but that doesn't mean it will always run in their favour.
My Dd asks to eat sweets all day, she would love it. However its a no for me.

I wouldn't care if DH wants to take a solo trip for DSC without me and without Dd (his stepchild) or DC (our shared child) and financed it himself. Why would I care ? I would like oh that's nice and moved on.

If I was really antsy about going as one massive family group then I would go about planning and financing it. Which he hasn't.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 03/08/2022 18:05

On the not mentioning topic, even with that angle - I don't think it's something that's a massive transgression imo.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 03/08/2022 18:07

MissMaple82 · 03/08/2022 17:42

No, I completely agree with him. He's got more than 1 child!

Yes he does, OP doesn't. If he'd like to arrange a trip for all of his children he's more than welcome.