Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

[SomeSortOfName]

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

Not John… being!

No. I'm with your DH and find this weird tbh.

I do think holidays should be discussed/mentioned to a partner before booking. I can see where your partner is cominģ from with this even though you had decided that particular holiday wasn't going to include your step child.

So is he now willing to go to Disneyland and take all of the children, or does he just think that nobody should go?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to take your child, it’s not like your step children are missing out on a family holiday. I do think you have to prepare yourself for them being a bit disappointed though.

This is a brilliant way to defeat him.
Since it is just you and your child going with a friend and YOU paid...
Next time he raises the issue You agree with him
Him. I still think it is unfair about your Disney Trip.
You. Do you know hunny I have been thinking and I agree with you, I think You should treat your children and book a trip with them so you can spend one on one time with them!
Him, oh...umm.... but I can't afford it.
You. Well you have time to plan and save. I think it is really nice you want this time alone with your children. Making memories at Disney.
Him. Umm but I thought we could all go.
You. No hunney, that is so sweet of you, but this should be your special thing with your two, the age difference would mean different rides. So I will bow out and let you have this one.....

Having taken stepkids to Disney and bitterly regret it I’m with you.
Just go. He’s being an arse.

Hmm, I wouldn’t booked something like Disney with my daughter (also toddler) and not include my DSD (also large age gap). Wouldn’t even consider it if I’m honest.

But her DHs issue is NOT that she booked a 2 day break without telling him, he wouldn’t have cared if she booked 2 days camping near home, so it’s not the principle of having booked without checking that he’s bothered about, this is a red herring. He’s complaining because of the “poor DSC”.

It's bizarre hon would book it without even talking to him about it first

OP, you say you’ve ‘talked loads before’ about you and your friend taking your toddlers away to DLP, and it seems you’ve never discussed your plan with your DH, or you would’ve known his reaction surely?

Did you purposely not discuss it with him because you deliberately didn’t want to include your dsc’s in the possibility of you all going as a family?

Even if your husband wasn't going and you were going with a friend with similar aged children to your own?

Will your child never be allowed experiences without their older sibling?

What about if it was 'just' Alton Towers (CBeebies World) for 2 nights?

She's already said, more than once, she's happy for them all to go as a family.

But including husbands and older SC would massively change the dynamic of the trip OP has been planning with her friend and their toddlers. Why can't they do both if it bothers her husband so much?

YABVU

Oh I hate this sort if attitude. Let him book his own trip to Disney with DSC and then ask when he's taking DC.

Yes but it’s not Alton Towers. It’s Disneyland!

When you take on step children you have to think about it very carefully and make sure you’re prepared for it. Yes you can go away with your own toddler but you didn’t even discuss the fact that it’s Disneyland. It’s hurtful to the other children.

Does the concept of household money not matter anymore or am I just old fashioned.

all of our money is pooled, we don’t need to ask each other for the little things but we wouldn’t just book a holiday without telling the other person, not just because we would talk about them first but we wouldn’t take that much from the household finances by ourself without communicating

Disneyland is not the only nice thing in the world or the best possible experience for all
children. Disney’s marketing people have really achieved something in making it so
in people’s minds.

maybe the OP simply does not want the trip to revolve round the SC. Everything does, apparently. That’s really not that uncommon in stepfamilies. For all the people banging on about ‘equality’ in MN, it can far too easily become a situation where everything is organised entirely around the SC and everyone else is just an afterthought or prop in facilitating their fun. Especially when their father has the attitude the OP outlines in her husband.

For all the people going on about stepmothers’ responsibility to the SC, people seem far less interested in the children’s father’s responsibility to all his children. In fact, people actually defend him prioritising only his older children because they are ‘poor kids who don’t live with him
all the time.

Thing is, after a while of being treated as the second class family and having her own relationships with her children curtailed because of the SC, many women will decide that they are utterly fed up and are just going to do what they want with their children regardless. Everyone is always desperate to paint them as evil SMs who got what they wanted (their kids) and now want rid of the SC but that is unfair. The problem is the father who drives this dynamic and creates a situation where this wife feels she has to counteract the prevailing dynamic and make sure someone has her children’s interests at heart. And her interests too.

Household money is not always a straightforward concept in a blended family.

The ‘household’ income is already reduced because of child maintenance for the SC. That’s just a given, but it may be several hundreds of pounds that’s ringfenced for the benefit of another household. If it’s more than the CMS rate, it’s unlikely that the SM is allowed to say it should be reduced. That would be unacceptable.

The starting point is often an imbalance power situation where some financial decisions are not joint. But, somehow, the woman is expected to treat all her resources as ‘family resources’ when her husbands are treated differently.

And she may find herself in situations where her money/assets are used in ways she gets not say over (and sometimes in ways determined by the ex). The expectation is that she pays but the SC’s parents decide. Yet, at the same time, she cannot make decisions for her children without being told she must consider the SC. With money she contribute to the household. It’s subsumption as household money disempowers her.

There are lots of reasons why ‘family money’ might not be so straightforward. But let’s all act confused and pretend it’s all just one equally shared pool unless you’re some dreadful cow.

Of course any adult can appreciate Disneyland is not the be all and end all. Of course people can understand your reasoning.

It takes a certain type of person, to stop with all the talk of ‘rights and responsibilities’ of each parent and consider the children for once.

Technically of course the OP is within her ‘rights’ but is it morally right? It would take a special type of step mother to see this.

The father has in a sense failed his children by choosing a wife with this mindset towards his DC.

Why is step mum expected to take step kids on all holidays, is the step kids bio mum also expected to take OPs kids away on all their family holidays?? These threads always seem really imbalanced.

I’d argue that he’s failed his wife by choosing to be consumed by divorced dad guilt and making it always about the SC as the main priority.

@HairyKitty DH’s stepdad went on holiday with his stepkids (DH and his brother). Probably helped finance them too, although they were camping type holidays not Disney. Stepdads probably have less choice on this matter

Where are the posters on this thread saying the step mum should take the DSC away without the father?

If the Op takes the SC with the father that’ll be because they are married/in a relationship and live together. That’s not comparable to the ex taking the OP’s children on holiday with her.

I’d say he has every right to make them a priority, especially as he’s realising his wife is intent on putting their DC first and priority over DSC.

The wife was silly not to realise what she was getting herself into, no one forced her to marry him.

Yes its morally right. Just as it is morally right for my neighbour to take her kids to Disney land and not mine