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Original poster

Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

294 replies

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 12:55

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

OP posts:
Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:42

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 08:16

I’d argue that he’s failed his wife by choosing to be consumed by divorced dad guilt and making it always about the SC as the main priority.

Show quote history

So him wanting to be a decent parent and treat all his kids equally is ‘divorced dad guilt’ .…… erm ok 🙄

Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:45

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 08:38

I’d imagine she went into it imagining that the man she has children with would treat his children equally. Not that everything would always revolve around his older children.

i bet she never managed she’d fin herself in a situation where she is the only parent who advocates for her children.

Show quote history

Isn’t that what he’s trying to do, treat all his kids equally? hence why he’s pissed off

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 01/08/2022 14:49

@Blueswedeshoes So him wanting to be a decent parent and treat all his kids equally is ‘divorced dad guilt’ .…… erm ok

So when it was previously suggested to go away to Disney as a family dad didn't want to go and treat all his kids.

When Sm says she's going to to take her Dc away to Disneyland alone, pay for it herself from her own money ect

Suddenly it's all different from dad and there's no reason for that massive change in gear. Totally not guilt prompted at all. Yup dad of the year right here. 😆

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2022 15:12

Of course you wouldn’t expect the MUM (bio mum is very insulting and there’s no need to add another label to a mother) to take her dc’s step siblings away, that’s a ridiculous way of looking at things.

Its not a ridiculous way of looking at things. When op takes her child somewhere, it is exactly the same as dsc’s mum taking her children somewhere. OP doesn’t owe dsc a trip to Disney Land just as much as dsc’s mum doesn’t owe OP’s child a trip to Disney Land. If the father isn’t involved in the trip, then she can plan accordingly.
OP is going away with her friend and their small children for two nights. She should be able to do nice things like this just as much as dsc’s mum can. Why should OP alter the whole dynamics of her trip by taking much older children that aren’t hers?
The father is the one who should be concentrating on both children. If he wants both of his children to go to Disney Land, then he needs to take them both. He could get planning a family holiday.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 15:17

Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:42

So him wanting to be a decent parent and treat all his kids equally is ‘divorced dad guilt’ .…… erm ok 🙄

Show quote history

Having everything revolve around the SC is not equality. It’s preferential treatment of some of his kids, driven by divorced dad guilt.

They have different mothers - his children’s lives will not ever be identical.

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2022 15:23

Forgot to add..
He could get planning a family holiday instead of trying to trample all over OP’s plans with her friend and their similar aged children.
OP’s trip isn’t a family holiday. It’s really strange that it’s being seen that way. Dsc aren’t hard done by here.

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 16:04

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!
Anyway it’s a daft comparison for what it’s worth.

No, we wouldn't. That's the point.

Many of us don't feel that being married to someone makes a difference in this scenario.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 16:07

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 16:04

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!
Anyway it’s a daft comparison for what it’s worth.

No, we wouldn't. That's the point.

Many of us don't feel that being married to someone makes a difference in this scenario.

I certainly wouldn’t feel that my neighbour should centre all aspects of her life around my child because she decided to put up with STBXH. It’s not her job to take my son to Disneyland, even if she’s taking her kids.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:25

Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:27

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!
Anyway it’s a daft comparison for what it’s worth.

Show quote history

No I wouldn't. If the neighbour was paying and taking their kids with my (ex) DH in this scenario. I really wouldn't think any more of it. I probably wouldn't even know about it and if I did I 100% wouldn't think anything of it. I wouldn't expect her to spend a penny of her money or even a second of her time on my DC.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:25

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 16:04

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!
Anyway it’s a daft comparison for what it’s worth.

No, we wouldn't. That's the point.

Many of us don't feel that being married to someone makes a difference in this scenario.

Yes exactly. It's not a daft comparison it's pretty much exactly the same to me.

Stop1t · 01/08/2022 16:26

Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:45

Isn’t that what he’s trying to do, treat all his kids equally? hence why he’s pissed off

Show quote history

If he's not going, how is it him treating them unequally?

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2022 17:00

I’m sure you’d have a different attitude if your neighbour was now married to and had dc’s with the father of your kids!

Wrong. I wouldn’t expect her to treat my children to trips to DisneyLand when she makes plans to take her own child just because she is with my ex. You see I’m not a CF like that.
And I say all this as a mum/ RP/ exp. I just don’t expect another woman to revolve her life around my kids like she’s some sort of extension of their father. It’s both unrealistic and unreasonable.

fatandfurious2022 · 01/08/2022 18:32

The saddest part of these situations is the amount of people who think it is wrong for a mother to spend quality time with her child. In what world is that something you cannot do if you are in a blended family? I have a SC and my own child, I do things with them both but my child is my child, it's so very different. I work in a high pressure role so I can give my DC the best in life.

I appreciate DSC may feel left out but DC is not allowed to feel that way if DSC have an amazing experience with their mum that SM cannot afford with her DC. There will always be differences in a blended family and it's a matter of getting on board or getting off!

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:07

Blueswedeshoes · 01/08/2022 14:45

Isn’t that what he’s trying to do, treat all his kids equally? hence why he’s pissed off

Show quote history

He doesnt want to treat the kids equally at all. He hasnt arranged anything. He wants his current wife to take his children on a holiday he doesn't want to go on.

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:09

The father should take all his children on holidays. if he isnt going on the holiday, the mothers take their children.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 20:10

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:09

The father should take all his children on holidays. if he isnt going on the holiday, the mothers take their children.

It doesn't matter what the ex does. If dad doesn't take his kids on holiday ex can do whatever the fuck she wants either way. And so can OP.

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:20

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 20:10

It doesn't matter what the ex does. If dad doesn't take his kids on holiday ex can do whatever the fuck she wants either way. And so can OP.

Show quote history

Thats exactly what i said… If the father is going on holiday, he should take all his children. he is being ridiculous complaining another adult is going away without his child on a holiday he isnt going on.

The mothers take their own children on holiday and they have done. They are under no obligation at all to take someone else’s child when they go away as the lone adult. Why would they be?

op, does your dh often take his children on holiday? Before you got together?

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 21:13

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:20

Thats exactly what i said… If the father is going on holiday, he should take all his children. he is being ridiculous complaining another adult is going away without his child on a holiday he isnt going on.

The mothers take their own children on holiday and they have done. They are under no obligation at all to take someone else’s child when they go away as the lone adult. Why would they be?

op, does your dh often take his children on holiday? Before you got together?

Show quote history

Ah sorry misinterpreted it as if Dad doesn't take his kids the mother's takentbeir children. As in what the mums do doesn't have any link to what dad does

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 15:15

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 01/08/2022 14:49

@Blueswedeshoes So him wanting to be a decent parent and treat all his kids equally is ‘divorced dad guilt’ .…… erm ok

So when it was previously suggested to go away to Disney as a family dad didn't want to go and treat all his kids.

When Sm says she's going to to take her Dc away to Disneyland alone, pay for it herself from her own money ect

Suddenly it's all different from dad and there's no reason for that massive change in gear. Totally not guilt prompted at all. Yup dad of the year right here. 😆

I don’t think it was actually suggested to go away as a family. Yes, the OP’s DH has expressed disinterest in going to DLP, but as a pp said, it doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t have put his lack of interest for the place aside just so he could take all his kids with OP too.
The crux of it really is that he probably feels that the OP has acted a bit underhandedly by arranging and booking a holiday without talking to him about it first. In other words, he likely feels that the OP doesn’t want to go somewhere like that anyway with his other kids, and that’s why she’s booked it behind his back.

(OP has said that she wouldn’t go out of her way to arrange a family trip there, but she has gone out of her way to sort her own holiday out)

I do get that the OP has every right to go away alone with her own child and her friends, but, I still think that by not saying first of all to her DH that either they all book as a family (with his kids too) to go to DLP, or she’ll book the holiday for her own dc and go with a friend instead, she’s been unfair.

The OP hasn’t given him any opportunity to either agree to go or not, and once again, yes the OP has every right to go with her own child, but she’s sending a clear message to both her DH and her dsc’s that she’ll happily exclude them. That’s my opinion.

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 15:20

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 15:17

Having everything revolve around the SC is not equality. It’s preferential treatment of some of his kids, driven by divorced dad guilt.

They have different mothers - his children’s lives will not ever be identical.

Show quote history

It has nothing to do with everything revolving around his elder dc”s at all.

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 15:24

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 16:07

I certainly wouldn’t feel that my neighbour should centre all aspects of her life around my child because she decided to put up with STBXH. It’s not her job to take my son to Disneyland, even if she’s taking her kids.

Show quote history

I never said the OP should take her dsc’s. However, I think she should’ve given her dh the opportunity to go as a family with her and all the kids before booking for only her and her little one.

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 15:31

LilyMarshall · 01/08/2022 20:20

Thats exactly what i said… If the father is going on holiday, he should take all his children. he is being ridiculous complaining another adult is going away without his child on a holiday he isnt going on.

The mothers take their own children on holiday and they have done. They are under no obligation at all to take someone else’s child when they go away as the lone adult. Why would they be?

op, does your dh often take his children on holiday? Before you got together?

Show quote history

The dsc’s mother is no longer in a family unit with OP’s DH, so obviously there’s no need for her to discuss holidays and she’s obviously going to be taking her kids away without their dad there isn’t she,
The OP IS in a family unit with her now DH, so really she should be taking into consideration how her dsc’s may feel if they’re not invited on a trip such as DLP, even with their dad.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2022 15:38

I do get that the OP has every right to go away alone with her own child and her friends, but, I still think that by not saying first of all to her DH that either they all book as a family (with his kids too) to go to DLP, or she’ll book the holiday for her own dc and go with a friend instead, she’s been unfair.

The OP hasn’t given him any opportunity to either agree to go or not, and once again, yes the OP has every right to go with her own child, but she’s sending a clear message to both her DH and her dsc’s that she’ll happily exclude them. That’s my opinion.

You know, as a step parent, I’m forever having to tell friends that we can’t do things on proposed dates because we have DSC that weekend. It’s actually quite hard to maintain friendships as a result, given most people work during the week. It’s one of the “sacrifices” of being a step parent that’s often overlooked.

OP should be able to go on a trip with her friend without it being assumed that she should really prefer to go with DH and his kids instead, and only entertain her friend failing that option. It’s not unfair of her to genuinely prefer to do that, especially if, like me, her ability to maintain friendships is already strained by being a step mother.

Blueswedeshoes · 02/08/2022 16:18

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2022 15:38

I do get that the OP has every right to go away alone with her own child and her friends, but, I still think that by not saying first of all to her DH that either they all book as a family (with his kids too) to go to DLP, or she’ll book the holiday for her own dc and go with a friend instead, she’s been unfair.

The OP hasn’t given him any opportunity to either agree to go or not, and once again, yes the OP has every right to go with her own child, but she’s sending a clear message to both her DH and her dsc’s that she’ll happily exclude them. That’s my opinion.

You know, as a step parent, I’m forever having to tell friends that we can’t do things on proposed dates because we have DSC that weekend. It’s actually quite hard to maintain friendships as a result, given most people work during the week. It’s one of the “sacrifices” of being a step parent that’s often overlooked.

OP should be able to go on a trip with her friend without it being assumed that she should really prefer to go with DH and his kids instead, and only entertain her friend failing that option. It’s not unfair of her to genuinely prefer to do that, especially if, like me, her ability to maintain friendships is already strained by being a step mother.

Re not being able to see friends because you have dsc’s on certain weekends, that’s the same for anyone with dc’s really. Many people can’t do things because they’ve got no one to have the kids for them.
If your DH lived with his kids full time it’d be the same scenario. So although you’re feeling as if you’re having to sacrifice your time, your DH isn’t sacrificing his as they’re his kids.

And I do think that anyone who chooses to walk into a family unit (man or woman) should consider all the children involved in that unit, and not just their own.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2022 16:28

@Blueswedeshoes Not really, the things I would do with my friends could be done with our own child there, but we live a long way away from my friends (again to be close to DSC) and they cannot come to stay without needing the space DSC sleeps in. They could otherwise come. It doesn't make any difference if it's a sacrifice for my DP or not, it's a sacrifice for me, that's happening specifically because of my DSC. I expect DP to be accommodating of my friendships outside of that, knowing the many times I have had to say no for the sake of him and his kids. I don't expect him to feel it's unfair of me to not always prefer to do things with him and DSC, and refuse my friends.